#mbar

[gopissbepis]

I went to an addiction recovery meeting last night. I was drunk and high but like at least I've started the process. At the next meeting I will have been sober for at least 5 days (I've still got two spliffs left I'm not letting it go to waste let's be real). Going to the meetings gives me some kind of accountability and because it's done through the Buddhist centre it's done with so much love and kindness, there is no (outward) judgement and I'm doing it with a friend who I usually smoke with so that's removing an obstacle and allowing us to be able to take this valued friendship with us on our sobriety journeys.

I'd be lying if I said I'm not nervous about what's to come. I've used drugs/drink as a way of coping for so long that I really am scared to see how I'll react when something next goes wrong and I'm terrified that I'm gonna reach out for ket again. That's a path I really don't wanna go back down and the weed has been helping me stay away from the good shit but without that I know I'm gonna feel so fucking tempted. But it's time to be brave and be strong and just fucking do it. I've done it before and I know I can do it again. And I'm gonna help my mate get there too, so I'm also excited to see where this takes us and I feel relieved that I'm finally doing what I know is right.

[jediciri]

I don’t know if chapter 4 of ‘My Blood Alone Remains’ will go out today, but it shall definitely be up tomorrow if not. 

 Sorry for the delay and thank you for being patient 💚

 (enjoy this gif of the two loves in the meantime)  🔥❄️

[pabifaye]

À l'ombre #touba #instagram #roadtrip#road #transport #transporteur#roadtrip#road #chevres #goat #children #africa #senegal #instagram #mbar #africa #african #pabifaye#lifestyle https://www.instagram.com/p/BvrVSBaB_7r/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1a3s4u088p5z1

[jediciri]

My Blood Alone Remains announcement

I joined the game of thrones fandom to share my love with others of this story and these characters and whilst that has happened, I have also been given hate. 

I’m of half a mind to orphan My Blood Alone Remains. The comments are either creepy or mean with the odd ‘good chapter’ thrown in. (I do delete the creepy / mean ones & try not to let them get to me but it’s tiring having to shift through them all)

I’ve turned off anon comments and put comment moderation on but it’s still very hard and tiring to shift through nasty or creepy comments. I’m going on a hiatus with this story until I feel comfortable enough to continue it.

Thank you so much if you do read it and give kudos and hits and bookmarks and subscriptions. They mean the world to me. 

[gopissbepis]

being sober literally isn't that bad

ok yea I'm irritable af but that's just cos of the withdrawal and hopefully the worst has passed now + yea I've been having hideous night sweats and haven't slept for more than a couple hours solidly since I quit but y'know what - I feel proud of myself for being strong and ACTUALLY quitting. The first day was by far the worst but having the motivation to stay away from the shit and seeing the benefits almost instantly from getting my shit together is more addictive than any drug could possibly be. I have so much more energy and motivation to do the things that I want and need to do - nothing feels quite so much of a chore as what it used to and I'm excited to get up and out whereas before I was happy just to chill and smoke and not a lot else. Me and my girl are spending more quality time together and I feel like I'm being a better mum because I'm more present now. The house is back up straight bcos again, I've got the energy and motivation back. The brain fog is gone - I actually remember things I've got to do and conversations I've had with people. I just feel so much better in myself.

I don't ever want to be an addict again. I don't think I really realised quite how significantly it was impacting me but now that I'm away from it, the thought of staying like that forever actually terrifies me. From here on out I'll be forever wearing the badge of ex-addict. I'm never fucking going back.

[gopissbepis]

✨confession time✨

I've been fucking my ex agaaain (everyone is shocked I know no one ever saw this coming lmao) even tho I've been seeing just the absolutely loveliest guy (haven't slept with him since I started shagging the ex again cos fuck that just feels dirty. Felt bad even kissing him ngl...) I haven't told him but things are kind of fizzling out and those lovely feelings and all the excitement has just gone bc I couldn't just work on the fact that the sex was not great and decided to hop back on my ex's cock instead 🙃 I feel guilty af in case I've hurt his feelings and kinda stupid for ruining what could've been a good thing for something that I know is going nowhere...

also sniffed 3 grams of 🐴 and a gram.of ❄️ but we'll discuss that later

[gopissbepis]

managed almost three days with no weed at all, and another two with 1/2 spliffs a day but I'm starting to fall back in to bad habits agaaaaaain. I bought a little to smoke when Charlie's here (only) and wasn't smoking til 6pm but I've just not stuck to it. The temptation is there and it's a LOT. I have the determination and the incentive but the willpower is wearing off lol. But the more I'm smoking the more I'm seeing the negative effects of it arising - I'm so irritable when I'm not stoned, I'm easily triggered and BAD at holding it back. I'm less motivated to do anything at all, and it's making me feel stuck again - I can't think of things that I want to do and even when I do think of something, I just don't rly want to do it...

On the upside, I haven't been drinking at all. Although I'm going to the pub on Friday for a few hours. As long as I only have a couple, I'm good with that.

[gopissbepis]

I'm actually sick of smoking weed. All it does is make me sleepy and hungry like wtf good is that.