So every one hundred posts, I throw in a little something about me. I do throw in some between the cracks but every milestone is given special weighting to mark the occasion. So if you don't want to read personal stuff and have no interest, that's fine you can skim right past this, in fact I will put a cut line to save you time. Post 400, goes now:
So as many of you know and many more don't know, speech has always been the one aspect of my life that terrified me. The one part of my life that I could never understand or control. A huge mystery and an even bigger weight on my shoulders.
I always knew I was a little different. The way I think about things, the way I react to other things and the means by which I pursue certain things, all different. But there's something a little more different about me. I suffer from a stammer.
Stammering, or stuttering as it's called in the US, is a speech impediment. Brought to fame recently by the Oscar Award-winning film 'The King's Speech', starring Colin Firth, stammering has benefited from a vast array of press and awareness this year. But it is certainly not something new or hidden and I, for one, have always had to deal with it.
I have stammered as long as I can remember. For some people there are significant milestones which may make a stammer worse, a death in the family, a harrowing event. But for others, it's just a fact of life. And that was true of myself. It's always been there. Sometimes it got worse, sometimes it was manageable. But always there. School was a nightmare, naturally. Primary was not too bad, as kids you are far less self-conscious and I was pretty vocal about my speech and others were very receptive.
In secondary school, it got progressively worse every single year. The thought of speaking in front of class was crippling. Reading out something that is right in front of you and all you have to do is say it was terrifying. The simplest things like introducing myself, recounting my phone number, making phone calls and asking questions became my most feared and oppressive situations. Which, for most, are the most basic and mandatory circumstances we go through in life.
For stammerers, we have feared words, sounds and situations. Sounds for me, constantly change. For a while it was 'S' sounds, usually a hard 'P' sound was extra hard because that's the first letter of my name and more recently, 'W' sounds were causing a little anxiety. Words were the same. Sometimes I could say 'em, other times it was impossible. My course was always quite hard to say. Journalism. As was my housing area, Waterunder. Situations, however, were always the same. High-pressure, anxious situations like speaking in school and making and receiving calls were so frightening that I often avoided the latter completely. No one can explain why these things inhibit a stammerer's speech, but they do.
I've been through therapies now and then in my teen years. Once, while in 4th year of secondary I went on a bout of speech therapy which was a short-term fix, but without putting in the hard work and without the confidence, self-acceptance and the drive to see results, it completely went back to square one. When University came, the problems worsened until eventually I couldn't even stand up in front of my class and read out my work or make a presentation. After a bad break-up, some awful feared situations creeping up on me in school and work and a period of seriously low confidence, I was at my rock bottom. Hating life, avoiding living. There was a serious amount of time where I constantly asked 'Why am I even alive, why am I bothering? If I cannot speak or communicate how I feel and trying to do so causes me such grief, well that's not a life worth living'.
To every problem, there is a solution. And mine was finding The McGuire Programme. This phenomenal course changed my life. A whole new way of breathing, self-accepting and controlling your stammer has made my life a much happier place. The course is intensive and feels like a rehab without contact with the outside world, family, friends, constant supervision but let me tell you it works and I don't think it would work any other way. It's hard work and it's paying off. I'm so glad I discovered it.
I completed my first course in February 2011 in Belfast. By the end of the week I approached 101 people on the street, made a speech in front of busy Belfast city and made another closing speech to the entire course and visiting families. My refresher (Second) course was at the beginning of May in Cork City. I plan to do 3 more courses this year (Galway, Bournemouth and Dublin). My life is an amazingly happier place now that i've been granted control back and to say whatever I want to say.
So thank you for listening.
