with all the pregnancy talk i keep coming back to the idea of how funny it would be if the other parent is golem
specifically im latching onto the idea of robert getting hold of an unstable magic item and in a right-time-right-place scenario, has golem absorb it. primarily with the idea of siphoning the magic but theyre surprised when it just.. stabilises instead. so now golem kinda has 2 souls, which is neat.
somewhere between 10 seconds and 10 months later, depending on where in the timeline they are, they get the surprise of a lifetime when the second soul spits itself out of golem's body right into robert's arms. just a tiny mud baby who imprints on robert immediately.
i think it'd be the most chill co-parenting situation ever, and robert gets to sit with his beefy boy on one side and a bucket of mud baby on the other
In lore, a Golem is created by a Rabbi/Wizard (both job titles required) using a mixture of mud, clay, and Abbrahamic magic rituals. The most important being the inscribing of one of the names of god onto or placed inside the creation with paper, and writing the word "emet/truth/אֱמֶת" on the body (usually the forehead). The second part is a safety feature for the creator to use if the golem malfunctions/rebels - just scrape off a particle and the "Truth" button becomes a "Dead" button.
There's a lot of stories of golems being created to protect their community, or to act as servants. The latter being ill-advised, as a golem forced to perform menial tasks will get really freaking mad at their creator for bringing them to life just to do chores.
Bruno in this case, was most likely created either on accident, or by a creator who had no idea what he was going to do with an actual construct of earth.
Bruno loves his wizard-dad, but he still feels weird about being created without any specific purpose in mind. Probably why he got into enough trouble to end up in the Phoenix Program.
One day, Bruno gets a letter from his wizard dad that he's taken on a new apprentice, and wants him to meet them. Apparently this student has been cutting corners trying to create their own earthen construct, and Wizard Dad thinks meeting Bruno would set him on the straight on narrow. Bruno isn't sure if there's an insult hidden in there. Either way, Bruno asks the Z-Team if they wanna meet his creator. Visi, Waterboy, and Robert agree to go, with Malevola politely declining so to not scare the old rabbi. The rest of the Z-Team agree to watch the Baby Kaiju while Bruno is gone.
Bruno's dad is a tiny ancient Jewish man who looks like a stiff breeze could knock him over. He talks quickly and sharply, puttering around a cramped alchemy lab, while Bruno responds in regular calm clear baritone.
The apprentice makes their appearance soon after, covering in red clay and ink stains. They're young for a sorcerer, barely in their twenties. And they look frustrated.
Wizard Dad: "You want to make a golem, do you boy? Well, meet my Bruno! I may not have planned for him, but I followed the process to the letter! You can't be skipping steps just because you're impatient!"
Apprentice: "But sir! I nearly got it this time!"
Wizard Dad: "Nearly!? Nearly, nearly destroyed my whole facking lab!"
(*the Z-Teamers present watch the argument with growing awkwardness*)
Robert: "Is it always like this when you visit?"
Bruno, shrugs: "Dad's always big on safety."
The gang are curious how the apprentice messed up so badly, and Wizard Dad shows them the crafting room where it happened.
A large pile of adobe bricks lie in the centre of the room, the form reduced down to what appears to be legs.
Wizard Dad, glaring at Apprentice: "And I assume someone will be cleaning this up?"
Apprentice: (*grumbles, picking up a broom*)
Herman: "I can- will help!" (*goes to assist by spraying/moping up the clay dust*)
Most of the visit goes normally. Wizard Dad shows them to his living quarters and makes them tea. Bruno shares stories from his job at SDN, and photos of his adoptive Kaiju child.
Wizard Dad: "You're a good boy, Bruno. The old golems protected the people, and you've made it your career to protect so many."
Bruno: "Thanks dad."
Wizard: "Now, when are you introducing me to my granddaughter? I don't care she's a giant Kai-whatchamacallit. Bring her down so she can have her first Rosh Hashanah with her saba!"
Bruno: "Will do."
Visi, looking down: "Why is the floor wet?"
(*all of them look down, seeing water slowly seep under the doorway to the laboratory area*)
Robert, realising: "We left Waterboy in there..."
It's actually what you think happened.
Herman was helping with the clean-up, when the apprentice decided to give his cheatsy method another go by drawing sigils on multiple smaller clay figures.
The little clay figures decide to run amok like gremlins. Herman is frantically trying to blast them away with his water as they continue to reform and sling mud around.
Wizard Dad, furious: "YOU PUTZ!!! You didn't give any of them a purpose! Now all their spirits are running wild!"
Apprentice: "It's not my fault! HE-" (*points at Herman*) "-produces magic water! His animated them prematurely!"
Herman, panicking: "I didn't know I could do this- that!"
Bruno, being climbed on by tiny golems: "Let's chill. Just find the emet on them and wipe it."
Apprentice, looks nervously: "I uh... didn't give them one."
Wizard Dad: "You WHAT!?"
Apprentice: "I thought I could save time by putting it on later!"
Wizard Dad: "Once this is over, you are SO getting detention!"
Containment procedures include, sweeping the mud gremlins with brooms, shovels, water (regular, not Herman-sourced, that heals them), into a roaring kiln. It takes a while since the little guys are pretty slippery, and aren't afraid to play dirty. ("Why are they like this?" "Toddlers! Same from human to earth spirit!")
Once the final muddy imp is trapped in the kiln, the Wizard stokes the fire - turning them all to useless half-baked clay.
Herman: "That doesn't- that doesn't kill them, right?"
Wizard Dad: "Nah. The earth spirit within just hops back right into mother earth. No point sticking around when you can't move."
Robert, covered in mud, sighs tiredly: "Well, that's been my exercise for the day..." (*inspects ruined shirt, sees something odd*) "Hey, whats this?"
(*they look over to see a layer of mud on Robert's skin, moving curiously. There appears to be a scrap of paper within*)
Bruno: "Oh hey, thats my mud."
Wizard Dad: "Catch it! It's got one of the spells! It could-"
Baby Earth Spirit: (*suddenly disappears into Robert's body, the paper smouldering as it falls to the ground*)
Wizard Dad, confused: "Do that? Hmm. Normally, they just turn themselves into gremlins again."
Robert, silently panicking: "Or...?"
Wizard Dad, pondering: "Or... they make themselves into bigger monsters, wreak havoc across the land, jump into someone's body so the spirit can be reborn as a human..."
(*whole room pauses, staring at Robert*)
Robert: "Crap."
Bruno: "Wait... that was my mud... Did I just knock up Robert?"
Lil earth spirit wanted to be born. There was a spell to make it live. And there was a perfectly good human parent to "bake" in.
Robert is... not entirely pleased with this development. Bruno's dad is fretting over "more grandchildren!?" while the construct himself is just looking at Robert with fascination.
The resulting child looks human - light brown skin, ruddy hair, Robert's freckles etc, but her body composition is that of wet clay. They name her "Hazel".
And yes, the co-parenting is very chill. Hazel and the baby kaiju Pebble see eachother as sisters.
