remember when i wanted to do regular update posts? yeah, me too.
i am. not in a good place.
everyday is a fight and everday i get more and more frustrated with myself.
and i know i should be positive, i gotta be patient with myself and love myself a little more but let’s be real, even writing this feels fake as fuck.
i hate myself.
i hate that i hate myself. i’m trying so damn hard not to hate myself this much but i’m just so frustrated with my progress, which is practically non-existent.
when i say practically i should look at what i’ve already done but
i’m not satisfied. and not the kind where you can draw energy out of it to motivate yourself to change something.
i feel like i’m wasting everything. time has no meaning anymore and all that crap but the months pass and i do not get shit done.
i had a talk with my friend and i was opening myself up to her, which is great for me by the way because i have to practice that, and i told her some shit that has been in my head for ages but hadn’t realised it.
and i said some stuff that made everything a little clearer when it comes to my behaviours and
it’s not good. it’s not bad either. what is the lie, hah.
i’m just continuing to stand in the way of myself.
she told me i was strong for still standing and fighting but honstely i don’t feel strong. i’m not proud of that. i should be. but it feels more like why me.
why do i have to fight this fight for so long. what did i do to be punished like that.
but apparently i’m not a quitter. which sucks
because it means i’m going to continue to balance the tightrope between depression and living.
i’m exhausted.
i just want to get shit done
i want to be sure of myself
want want want
change needs action
i just gotta start doing something
anything
fuck.
i just can’t fucking focus on anything. my concentration is shit.
just please, give me a break, universe. just a little one. a tiny one.
but positivity right. feels like ash in my mouth at this point.