I know I've talked about this on here but I have major back problems. I broke my back in 2011 and had a major back surgery which absolutely fucked my shit for, well, forever it looks like.
The first surgery was meant to be a fusion of my L4 and L5 (the two vertebrae I broke) along with accompanying metal to help stabilize this fusion and my spine while I healed. They went in the front and back to place the metal and bone graphs in. A lot went wrong. What we know for sure is that 1.) They cut my spinal cord, 2.) He set my spine at a really extreme angle. A normal lower back curvature is around 20-33 but he gave me an actual 60 degree angle, and 3.) He didnt ever receive training to place to metal in my spine that he did which caused him to put the screws in at really funky angles.
The biggest problem with this surgery was how little of it was actually documented. It was meant to be a 6 hour surgery and turned into 12. I had to receive a blood transfusion of 6 GODDAMN LITTERS. That is my entire blood volume for my size. Their explanation? "Shes a bleeder!" I have no idea to this day what really happened and what other damage they caused me.
I spent a year having to learn how to walk again because of that fucker, all the while him telling me everyone heals differently and it was just a lot on my bones and that I needed time. So he moves hospitals leaving me without a doc for 6 months while I search and find my current surgeon. New guy takes one look at my CT, MRI, and xrays and was like "What the FUCK" and spent the my next 3 surgeries with him repairing the absolute clusterfuck of a mess that was my back. He redid my fusion, in the process fusing from L4 all the way down including my pelvis so it no longer opens or has movement like normal. Hey gave me two laminectomies to free up my nerves due to extreme nerve pain down my legs. He got rid of that which was honestly a saving grace cause if he hadn't I would have for SURE killed myself. Ultimately, he referred me to the MAYO clinic in Minnesota which is a huge hitech hospital where they did my last surgery to try and help.
That was a year ago. I'm still in 8/10 levels of bone pain every goddamn day. I went to my usual neurosurgeon again today asking what else there is, if anything, that he or anyone can do. He tells me that he's sorry but that I am, simply put, a product of crooked people and failed surgery. He said that we will never really know what they did to me but that I have permanent nerve damage in my bones and spinal cord and that I am officially diagnosed as a handicapped individual.
I cant sue the guy cause the time for that thing was way passed by the time we found out everything he did wrong. That mother fucker is out there still practicing. If you live in California, NEVER SEE Dr. Samer Ghostine of UC Riverside. Hes a liar and a monster who destroyed my body and was perfectly content with doing so.
I'm 25. I kept thinking that I wasnt going to be in this state forever and that I wasnt really handicapped. I never wanted to admit it. I know it doesnt make me less than. Of course it doesnt. But I had dreams. I had goals. And for the first time since this all happened I feel like I've been robbed. I've always always wanted to work. Like since I was kid I've wanted to be an artist and add diversity to the world. Its literally the only thing I ever saw myself doing. I dont know how to see that anymore. At least not in this moment. I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of this. I'm just struggling. I dont know where to go from here. I'm angry and I dont want to loose my "it's all good" attitude but fuck man I dont know how to look at this right now with that view
