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Tonight has been fucking super lucky. My girlfriend has been learning hypnosis and under the watchful eye of my other partner tranced me and made me feel like such a wonderfully dumb doll, and now Im falling asleep in a vc with them and its amazing. Im loving the life rn. This is it. I've almost made it
Next week. Im going to the Cafe and getting E next week. I am getting paid in 6 days and I will buy E. I will no longer wait. I will have the money. I will not wait for my doctor to send me to another doctor who may send me to another and so on. I will start E using the help of my friends on E and research I will conduct with the help of others. I will start E and be happier. I will start E and hate myself less. This is going to happen. I will do this. I have waited long enough. I deserve the body I want. I will start E.
I dont like these mornings. The rain, the lightning, the sadness. I dont mind the first two, but... i need to stop hurting myself. I saw my brother again recently, and his wife and I got into it. They're borderline Christofacists, and yet I keep letting them into my life. I hung out with a man from work yesterday, and until this week I thought he was dumb and just needed to be educated... but he's a malicious ableist for the sake of it.
I... why can't I find anyone good anymore? Why does every hello lead to hanging around monsters? Is it cause of my family? Am i so used to it I can't get away? It feels like I'm gonna puke thinking on it.
I went through my messages recently to clear out the old dead ones... and do many of those people are terrible terrible people... how could I stomach to hang around them? Was I just as bad? Am I still just as bad? I wanna say no but denial helps no one of its going against facts...
I... i want more queer friends that are actually queer, and on the queer side of life. I need more good people. I need more friends irl. I need... i need a life i dont barely stomach in a good day.
But right now... i just need support.
Its nearly silent outside these 8 panes of glass and pounds of steel. Its 12°F outside. Frost covered my truck when I came out here to go get a late night snack. I'm sick, and my bed doesnt feel like a safe enough space rn, so Im reverting. I used to do this when I was alone. I dont live in that same old town tho, I cant park in the same spot and eat a sandwich prepared by the same grumpy hands, but I can still sit in my truck and hear my old music and savor the similar flavors of comfort. And to think... all this from a simple cold. Life truly is wonderous, isnt it? And arent we the blessed to freeze in mother nature's soft cold embrace.
One day, the frost will set back in closer to November, and the snow will fall on the horizon before the year ends, and in those days I shall clad myself in armours of pelt and padding and trudge to a stone so flat and so open to her sky and I shall lay there and sleep. To feel her cold reach in from under me, pulling me into her, to see her skys shift and sway, to feel her slow bitter whispers at my nose before I sink into her words and sleep until I am whole.
Man, fuck this app. Im here for memes, horny shit, and friends. Yet I like one post months ago like, "Maybe children shouldn't be property of their parents" and now my feed is 90% suffering and somehow also, "Hey btw you're a giant fucking racist bigot homophobe if you dont actively scalp the heads of white people for reparations," "Yeah, youre abusive to everyone you meet you just cant see it and you're just hurting everyone around you."
And while the racist one just annoys me cause I know Im not racist and actively try to keep myself in check about that, I do have huge issues with the second kind. Just outright blaming someone as though they are already a monster and just can't see the damage fucking hurts as a kid who grew up being blamed for everything. Im learning now my parents were narcissists, but that doesnt undo years and years of being told I'm the one at fault, that I'm the problem, that asking for money for the book fair makes me abusive. I already have enough thoughts that I'm being emotionally abusive when I'm being bratty with my partner and say, "nuh uh, I'm not gonna tell you" as a joke, and fully plan on telling them. I dont need more and more and more insecurity shoved at me.
Im hurting myself. I have grim interests. I look too deeply into them and they trouble parts of me. It makes sleep hard.
I had a beautiful day recently and wanna to recreate that happiness... and in doing so made me only feel like more of a failure.
It's brought evil dreams of abusive parents dead naming me, shaming me, my own mind calling me lazy and weak and stupid.
I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Is that even possible?
Im hurting myself. I have grim interests. I look too deeply into them and they trouble parts of me. It makes sleep hard.
I had a beautiful day recently and wanna to recreate that happiness... and in doing so made me only feel like more of a failure.
It's brought evil dreams of abusive parents dead naming me, shaming me, my own mind calling me lazy and weak and stupid.
I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Is that even possible?
I think if all my girlfriends held me at once I'd instantly pass out into the nicest sleep ever
