#menace ilya rozanov

[randomfandomthought156]

Through a wild, unavoidable and Bizarre set of circumstances, Ilya Rozanov is outed as a Bisexual man. Before he has an entire line of hopeful suitors throwing themselves at the Canadian tire center, he announces that he is spoken for. Actually, very very spoken for (as seen by him showing up to practice Mauled.)

The Internet then looks for who could possibly have the Great Ilya Rozanov locked down? Which is great news for Ilya Rozanov, who comes to work looking Mauled™ everytime someone makes a wrong guess. It is not great news for Anybody Else.

Svetlana Vetrova! Someone cries before she posts herself kissing Rose Landry with a middle finger towards the camera.

Cliff Marlow! Comes the next call as the man denies vehemently. Ultimately leading to a Twitter post citing 'please stop saying Roz and I are a thing his actual boyfriend will kill me'

Victor StSimon! Some try again only to be met with a similar answer.

Troy Barret! Some try enthusiastically, only to get lambasted publicly by The Ottawa Centaurs official acount.

Carter Vaughn! Was the next try only to get the reply of, 'do y'all want me to get turned into paste on the ice? Hell no'

Scott hunter? Some say without much conviction. They get flamed by both Scott and Kip Hunter-Grady for their effort

Hayden pike? Comes an even weaker call. They get blasted by Rozanov himself. 'you cannot be my fan anymore if you think my beautiful солнышко is fucking Pike.' This person was until recently a Shayden shipper, but no one makes any connections there.

Meanwhile Shane Hollander, whenever he's spotted in the background of other's social media during this debacle is seen to be Seething™

[wavewillow123]

Im obsessed with judgy arrogant hollanov. We know Ilya's a massive chirper, hes being recognized as the most punchable player in the league, he's nitpicking everything you try to hide and twisting it like a knife. Shane's the same type of arrogant asshole, just historically quieter about it. The other side of Ilya's coin. He may chirp rarely but when he does it cuts to the bone and leaves no prisoners, its everything you fail to admit is wrong with your play laid bare, sliced to pieces without ever bleeding but you swear you ache. After they get outed and Shane joins Ilya in Ottawa, he gets to loosen the reigns a little bit. He's a little sharper, a little meaner. A goddamn nightmare in the shape of years honed discipline and he or his husband do not give a single fuck about who you think you are, on the ice or otherwise, because you will never hope to match them.

They are the best of the best. It's Ilya (Hollander-)Rozanov, the Russian menace. It's THE Shane Hollander(-Rozanov), hockey robot with hockey IQ never before seen. The only person that can hold a candle to them is each other. And they fucking know it. They were meant to be alone at the top and instead found each other. It makes everyone else small on comparison.

Like just picture them together at a gala or award ceremony, surrounded by other hockey players and yet set apart from everyone around them. Theyre dressed in their tailored suits, Rolexes on wrists, drinks in hand, pressed shoulder to shoulder with glinting wedding rings flashing everytime one of them gestures to the other. Every once in a while they talk quietly together, heads tilted towards the other like no one else is in the room, speaking in a mix of russian/english/french that only comes from the intimacy of knowing each other better than they know themselves. Youll never know what they said but you know its about you from the way their eyes follow you for just a moment too long. They're holding court like they're kings made for it. Looking down their noses at everyone around them. Maybe not even intentionally. They just are that good. Their greatness seems to leak out their pores, a blinding light that has rookies squinting and veterans turning away, except for when they choke on their awe.

Just give me ignorantly arrogant Hollanov. Give me the best of the best. Give me a league that fucking knows it.

[florientius]

in another universe myshane makes sure they have evidence of no wrong doing. like, shane had time to think about this, and his beautiful anxious mind came up with the plan, to have evidence if they are caught visiting each others hotel rooms.

so the first time myshane goes to ilyas hotel room, he brings cards with himself. (he usually brings them to every roadie to play with hayden, so its a perf "evidence" to use.) after they blow each other, they take selfies with cards scattered on a hotelroom table - just two straight bros hanging out together. the next time there are drinks on the table and two nintendo 3ds. the next time after ilya brings cards against humanity. and so on and so forth.

it sadly never got any use, bc hayden mf pike sent a video without proofwatching it first - his idiocy knows no bounds. that is why myilya starts to stir the shit, so he can share the pictures. he posts:

ask me nicely and ill show never before seen hollander pictures

so of course every one is like ??? first, but then the whole internet starts to beg. and then ilya answers the most unhinged ones

daddy feed us pls

yes my daughter

ilya, ill name my firstborn after you

name it after shane

let us see more cunty pics of shane, mr rozanov. these pics are so good

👍🏻

am i tripping or these are all old af? im screaming crying throwing up they were friends

are still friends

and shane is just... enough is enough.

no need to ask me

ilyas answer:

no need to ask me

you went too far. lets stop this

[scriptiodaemon]

i love this dynamics so fucking much 😭😭😭

Ilya Rozanov's Book Club

[randomfandomthought156]

Inspired by a tiktok, i saw and then lost.

For a Pr thing, new rookies of the year are introduced to the reining champion team by the commissioner.

Due to some scheduling error, (neither party actually wanted to deal with each other.) the introduction was happening in the champions home rink. The champions happen to be The Centaurs.

R**er Cr*wel develops a permanent twitch in his eye remembering he has to introduce the new players to the team he has the least control over.

The Centaurs hear the news and start cackling like supervillains. They're the Gayest Team™. They're gonna keep that title thank you. They're gonna double down. They're gonna fruit it up and Cr*wel is gonna have to deal with it.

Bood and Dykstra greet the rookies holding hands. They keep holding hands the entire time they're there. They're not in the same line. This makes training... Inconvenient. None of the centaurs mention it.

Lapointe and Holmberg are arguing why one of them left the bed sooner than the other wanted (it's like you don't even care about me!)

Wayatt and Chouinard are flirting like they're not well known wife guys

The couples have their tounge down their partner's throat the whole time.

Two of the touring rookies come out before the end of the tour. (The 1st and 2nd pick mayhaps 👀) The rest are questioning is being gay what makes you better at hockey.

Roger cr*wel found dead in Ottawa etc etc

[randomfandomthought156]

Say what you will about Ilya Rozanov, the man runs a propaganda like nobody's business.

Proof: I'm calling Rozanov my son and Hunter Peepaw in my head despite knowing they have a three year age gap.

I'm saying Hayden pike is eh~ as a player despite??? He's??? Playing the front line????

Hat's off king run your propaganda, I hope you have more lies to tell in unrivaled

[randomfandomthought156]

Reading Role model and I gotta ask, is this evil bisexual motherfucker (with all the love in my heart) a psychic??? What the hell man? Do I think Troy was subtle in any capacity? No. But they were in Harris's office. I'd think the man with the worst socmed presence was just trying to clean up his image. Did he go hmmm.... You're a Debbie downer, just like my boyfriend, you must be gay? Or, hmmm D*las Cunt was calling you a homophobic slur? Probably cause you are gay?

[bisexualrussianchaosdemon]

just got called a lizard 🦎 by my younger sibling. is this what it feels like to be scott hunter when ilya rozanov is chirping at u. what the hell