​Flori

Yearnation resident #1

[florientius]

you know and i know that after hollanov gets outed, every hockey player who is not a raging homophobe has a quiet night, thinking about the squalor they used to spew on the ice: calling everyone a cocksucker, gay, f**got, fairy and whatever else they could come up with. just being homophobic af, not bc they have big feelings against gay people, but bc thats the usual insult in the league.

so they have a quiet night reflecting on their behaviour, and all of them come to the conclusion that they have to ask for forgiveness and say sorry. but bc they are hickey players, they are not thinking, oh i should post something on socials or say something in an interview. no, "i should say sorry to hollander. if the patron saint of hockey is gay, then its an okay thing to be actually".

so for the first few people, shane and ilya are like, tf? why are you saying sorry to us? (shane, probs: why are u apologising only to me and not my husband also?) so they are like this the whole time, but shane is a cutiepie, so he tells him that he personally forgives, but maybe he caused some damage to others so he cannot say thisnin their name also. he cannot absolv him of all of his sins.

and then it keeps happening! after a while, ilya accepts it like, yeah. he is hickey jesus, he wont die for ur sins, but he forgives u. chop chop we have places to do, things to be.

ofc after a while shane kinda puts it together and his media training kicks in and he is like, yes, confess your sins and ill say it wasnt okay, but be better. i dont want to be gay jesus, please lets get this over with quickly. see my huge smile? it means i forgive. go away.

ilya is still a bit amused.

and then by the 100th confession, shane is like yes. im a nobody to you but i forgive you anyway. totally normal thing to do. this is kinda funny for the 100th time. for your forgiveness you have to do bagskates before your next ten practices, amd suicides after. now run along and leave me and my husband alone.

ilya is just done with this. they find them everywhere. its not even funny anymore.

[academicblorbo]

Everyone: omg Hollander leash your dog, Ilya is barking at opponent hockey players again

Shane Enabler Hollander: ok so Ilyusha this player has had zero assists in the entire season, he got drafted last, and finally - and this is crucial - he once scored a goal in his own team's net

Ilya Heart Eyes Rozanov: thank you my ShaneWiki this is valuable data, off I go

[bambicoded]

[florientius]

in another universe myshane makes sure they have evidence of no wrong doing. like, shane had time to think about this, and his beautiful anxious mind came up with the plan, to have evidence if they are caught visiting each others hotel rooms.

so the first time myshane goes to ilyas hotel room, he brings cards with himself. (he usually brings them to every roadie to play with hayden, so its a perf "evidence" to use.) after they blow each other, they take selfies with cards scattered on a hotelroom table - just two straight bros hanging out together. the next time there are drinks on the table and two nintendo 3ds. the next time after ilya brings cards against humanity. and so on and so forth.

it sadly never got any use, bc hayden mf pike sent a video without proofwatching it first - his idiocy knows no bounds. that is why myilya starts to stir the shit, so he can share the pictures. he posts:

ask me nicely and ill show never before seen hollander pictures

so of course every one is like ??? first, but then the whole internet starts to beg. and then ilya answers the most unhinged ones

daddy feed us pls

yes my daughter

ilya, ill name my firstborn after you

name it after shane

let us see more cunty pics of shane, mr rozanov. these pics are so good

👍🏻

am i tripping or these are all old af? im screaming crying throwing up they were friends

are still friends

and shane is just... enough is enough.

no need to ask me

ilyas answer:

no need to ask me

you went too far. lets stop this

[waldemarstr]

Have we considered that between Ilya Slavanov and Mr. Autism 3000 this is probably how they look to the outside world even when they're as happy as can be 😭

[mapetitefeedeslilas]

Post-outing Shane loving every time someone shovel-talks him, more or less menacingly, or compliments him for bagging someone as wonderful as Ilya, especially after he's had everyone before more or less judging negatively his choice upon finding out.

Svetlana squaring him up and down promising his ashes will never be recovered if he hurts Ilyushka? Perfectly understandable, he wholeheartedly agrees with the sentiment

Marleau slapping him on the shoulder "Legendary pull, Hollzy! You'll take care of my guy, right?"? New friend unlocked, a delightful goldmine of embarrassing stories and anecdotes about his husband.

Attentive Hazy, with his all knowing goalie-eyes, smiling kindly "you two are a goalie's worst nightmare and the absolute perfect match"? Might even go easy on him during training. But like only once...for half the session.

Sweet baby faced Luca stuttering all embarrassed his congratulations for his engagement with his amazing Cap and childhood idol, and admitting he always thought they'd make a good match? Where are the adult-adoption papers?

[penandinkprincess]

laughing about the idea of ilya over time being able to predict when shane is going to be brainstorming late into the night and then waking him up about something. shane has A Specific Look when this is going to happen, and ilya knows that even fucking him stupid isn't going to save him from being shaken awake at 3 am to have rapid-fire english happen at him.

someone at dinner is talking about the complexities of funeral arrangements and how hard it is to organize everything when already grieving and ilya sees The Look happening on shane's face at his side and is then just

knowing he's going to get woken up at fuck o'clock tonight to talk about the fully-detailed options of cremation versus burial shane is going to run past him.

the only preparation he can do is to wear his wedding ring to bed so when he wakes up he remembers that he loves this man even when he's yanking him out of a rem cycle to take him through a verbal powerpoint.

[florientius]

the Look™ :: 🤨 (he is already thinking about why he did not think about this sooner.)

homotron9000 activated anxious_thoughts protocol

[hollanoveau]

top mic’d up moments compilation: cliff marleau edition

“slow down slow down SLOW DOWN JESUS”

“don’t you ever talk about my mother again i’m so fuckin’ serious dog keep that shit OUT of your mouth”

*laughing so hard he snorts*

“hey have you guys seen my mouthguard. oh haha it’s in my mouth my bad”

*quietly singing fergalicious to himself on the bench while staring at the jumbotron*

“hey roz! roz! dude, look, look at this trick - bro you are NOT even looking. okay, no, it’s cool, you want me dead, it’s fine”

“huh? fight? nah dude, i don’t - fuck man come on i have a date tomorrow don’t fuckin’ -“ *loud scuffling noises*

*laughing so hard he snorts*

*falls on his ass* “whoops”

*falls on his ass again* “whoops fuck”

“how do you think they get the little prizes inside the kinder eggs. carmichael. hey carmichael. CARMICHAEL. HOW DO YOU THINK -“

*quietly singing glamorous by fergie to himself (he misspells “glamorous”*

[florientius]

im gonna fold this into a very tiny square, and put it in my pocket. i need you to know that this is part of my understanding of the universe now. this is a fact ill take to the grave. ty

[florientius]

alternatively: shane comes out to his parents. no mention of boyfriend. so best momager and agent of all time yuna hollander asks around, does some sleuthing, goes undercover online and surveys the land for the most successful queer hockey player other than her son. imagine her surprise when she discovers from multiple sources that ilya rozanov might be gay. she arranges ads and promotions and sponsors for shane and ilya to do jointly. she hopes they hit it off and get together - only the best for her baby ofc - and she not so subtly asks after ilya from shane when they have a joint thing or an event where they meet. she is hoping, manifesting, praying and buying spells on etsy to have the two best hockey players in her family.

meanwhile every time shane and ilya meet up they fuck nasty, and ofc shane does not understand why his mom suddenly become a bears fan...

[florientius]

the famous art thief ilya rozanov gains his name - the russian menace - in the "industry" with stealing ivan the terrible and his son ivan. they dont know how he looks. who he is. just a name - the russian menace, bc true to who he is, he left a nice little msg for the museum.

obviously the russians are like 🤺never ever come back here, whoever you are, you r not welcome🤺

so then our boy rozy goes on a bender and snatches vermeer, renoir, segantini, serov and anything that strikes his fancy.

after he parties his heart out, he goes to america, bc he wants flaming june -- and surprise surprise, he gets it.

shane hollander, the senior conservator at the national gallery of canada (in ottawa) is called in to help solve the russian menace heists. why? bc the russian menace claims to have stolen a dozen or so artworks, and they need someone to approve or deny his claim. all of the stolen artwork has a fake copy left at the scene of the crime, and frustratingly, they only know it was a crime bc our dear ilya tells them. so they need hollander, the very best at his job to help them out. the only problem? hollander is an art conservator by day, and an art thief by night.

they are rivals in this universe too! shane only steals for profit, never for what he likes. BUT! shane need rozy's help to steal something from his workplace bc obv HE cannot lift anything from there.

they make an alliance. 💕

they taunt each other when their roads are crossed bc yeah, shane joins the team that follows rozanov around the world. and when they are enemies by day, they have funny banters, bc shane sees him in museum and goes up to him to talk, or he sees him in a cafe and goes to have a chat.

at night... they fuck about it! 🥺

when they work thru their situationship, and flip into serious relationship, shane goes to russia and steals not for profit for the first but not the last time. he steals a faberge egg, and he proposes with that! art nerd ilya spontaneously combusts and fucks the living daylight out of shane. shane tells the team that he is retiring and he doesnt want to catch the russian menace anymore.

they live in ottawa and shane is still an art restorer bc he likes doing it, and ilya is a househusband, but they have a houskeeper and a gardener and poolboy and what not. so after he is bored out of his mind, he gets his certifications and starts to coach hockey for kindergarteners. they plan their holidays so they can still steal artworks that they like. they are still art thieves, just not full time.

and they lived happily ever after.

[florientius]

imagine a bit more daring shane who is not signing new sponsors for a while and doing less and less ads with his sponsorships expiring... (he told his mom to just Trust™ him) and when the last one expires, he takes a centaur ilya to the kingfisher and tounges the living daylight out of him. thats their coming out. and he retires his golden boy image with this as well, bc even tho canada is a kinda progressive country, their golden boy cannot be gay - or so shane thinks.

his image is actually retired a week later when shane 'no longer under immense pressure to be perfect' golden boy who went to his newly announced boyfriends game with his parents, starts to cuss out the ref who (maybe possibly bc of homophobic reasons) gave ilya an unfair panalty.

shane in front of everyone and his parents (and several people who is videoing him with their phones) starts to very liberally use the word fuck when he destroyes that ref, and the family friendly canadian golden boy, ottawas own shane hollander is no longer as family friendly as he was before.

obv hayden has a hundred or so heart attacks. hes fucking devastated that the world now knows about ilya, so he cannot try to set shane up with others. bc hes a fucking coward and he knows hes doing a bad thing, and he wont do it now that people would know hes a fuckass friend. ilya loooooves to rub it under haydens nose that hes with shane. his every post has somethign along the lines of "my forever best friend and best boyfriend ever shane" or some shit. he is ragebaiting hayden, and obv hayden comments under every post that HeS My BeSt FrIeNd, GeT yOuR oWn or some shit like that

[shallswrites]

I hate Hayden pike so much and your take is so, so amazing and also would you like to marry me op bc you're 100% correct and amazing send tweet

[florientius]

you are so right, fuck hayden pike. he takes out his #hurtfeelings on ilya. he cannot and will not even entertain any bad feelings for shane, bc he has a massive fat crush on him he wont admit to, so he feels hurt bc he wasnt told abt ilya and bc he wasnt told shane is gay and he is disappointed bc deep down he is like 'i could have had a chance' and his shame bc he does indeed love jackie all culminate in hating ilya, bc he cannot resent jackie for him not getting a chance with shane and he cannot hate his friend shane rn bc he came out to him and told him a secret so he puts every negative feeling he has onto ilya and i could flay him alive for that. i literally would burn him alive, like suffer more bitch ilya has suffered enough. even a morsel of the things ilya experiences would send hayden to the fucking morgue. where he belongs.

[shallswrites]

Literally his 4 year old twin daughters show more maturity than Hayden fucking Pike. Idk. Usually im a best friend defender. Like, in Harry Potter verse, when Hermione starts dating the guy who called her racial slurs and her friends get a little wacky about it, im like, babe, theyre RIGHT. Here though, Pike is actively homophobic for NO reason. Like, zero. And it literally blows my mind!! Especially in book verse, where Pike and Shane are rookies together. In either verse, honestly! It's just so freaking crazy. Like, Ilya very clearly is NOT the villain of anyone's story. He's, at max, annoying? But when there are duds like fucking Dallas Kent out there, you pick Ilya Rozanov to get all up in your feels about??? Like, bitch your jealousy is being shouted from the fucking rooftops here man. And, as much as I hate it from Ilya's pov, its worse to me from Shane's. Like, Shane has literally every friendship he's built over the last ten years stripped away from him. And instead of giving him unconditionally support, you half-ass it and give him very CONDITIONAL support. The condition being, well, if you only dated someone I picked for you, none of this would've happened. Everyone would've accepted your gayness and sexuality and shit and continued to support you. (Obviously not true but Hayden gaslights the shit out of shane on this and nothing will convince me otherwise.) So shane is desperately tring to cling to the one friendship he has left in his life, and it's this traitorous asshole who holds his affection and loyalty on a string. And just so "happens" to be the one who outs them. Please. Such bullshit. There's nothing that can convince me that he wasn't outing shane on purpose to punish him for daring to date Ilya over whatever fucking barista or whoever he picked out. Hayden just wanted to force shane into a generic, palatable gay mold and was jealous as shit to realize that he had found himself an equal. A true partner. Gahhhh. I hate him so much. Just TLG in general is so horrifying. It's like a fucking nightmare. My personal nightmare, and HR Shane's too. I just hope season 2 strays from the source material bc TLG is a fucking tragedy. Like, Shakespearean.

[florientius]

oh, TLG is a shakespearean tragedy, and thats exactly why id like them not straying from it. like, unrivaled will be soooo much better if they suffer before? im a slut for hurt comfort, angst with HEA amd shit. so if they make my favs suffer first is the cherry on top for me.

and i hope in unrivaled when shane is in ottawa and gets unconditional support and love from his teammates he will see how fucking awful hayden 🤮 was and kick his ass all the way to hell 🤭 and before he goes no contact with hayden 🤮 (but not jackie ☺️ or the kids!) shane gets to went his sweet little soul to hayden 🤮 and make him so ashamed he hides in a fucking cave in russia or something. and before he goes ilya drop kick him or something. im dreaming of the day i can read that hayden 🤮 officially is banned from shanes life

[florientius]

imagine a bit more daring shane who is not signing new sponsors for a while and doing less and less ads with his sponsorships expiring... (he told his mom to just Trust™ him) and when the last one expires, he takes a centaur ilya to the kingfisher and tounges the living daylight out of him. thats their coming out. and he retires his golden boy image with this as well, bc even tho canada is a kinda progressive country, their golden boy cannot be gay - or so shane thinks.

his image is actually retired a week later when shane 'no longer under immense pressure to be perfect' golden boy who went to his newly announced boyfriends game with his parents, starts to cuss out the ref who (maybe possibly bc of homophobic reasons) gave ilya an unfair panalty.

shane in front of everyone and his parents (and several people who is videoing him with their phones) starts to very liberally use the word fuck when he destroyes that ref, and the family friendly canadian golden boy, ottawas own shane hollander is no longer as family friendly as he was before.

obv hayden has a hundred or so heart attacks. hes fucking devastated that the world now knows about ilya, so he cannot try to set shane up with others. bc hes a fucking coward and he knows hes doing a bad thing, and he wont do it now that people would know hes a fuckass friend. ilya loooooves to rub it under haydens nose that hes with shane. his every post has somethign along the lines of "my forever best friend and best boyfriend ever shane" or some shit. he is ragebaiting hayden, and obv hayden comments under every post that HeS My BeSt FrIeNd, GeT yOuR oWn or some shit like that

[shallswrites]

I hate Hayden pike so much and your take is so, so amazing and also would you like to marry me op bc you're 100% correct and amazing send tweet

[florientius]

you are so right, fuck hayden pike. he takes out his #hurtfeelings on ilya. he cannot and will not even entertain any bad feelings for shane, bc he has a massive fat crush on him he wont admit to, so he feels hurt bc he wasnt told abt ilya and bc he wasnt told shane is gay and he is disappointed bc deep down he is like 'i could have had a chance' and his shame bc he does indeed love jackie all culminate in hating ilya, bc he cannot resent jackie for him not getting a chance with shane and he cannot hate his friend shane rn bc he came out to him and told him a secret so he puts every negative feeling he has onto ilya and i could flay him alive for that. i literally would burn him alive, like suffer more bitch ilya has suffered enough. even a morsel of the things ilya experiences would send hayden to the fucking morgue. where he belongs.

[florientius]

after their coming out, #myilya is living his best and simultaneously worst life. everyone is congratulating him, telling him that pulling hollander is a masterclass in finesse. everyone is a 100% understanding and standing behind him in his "decision". the progressive kind of players all say the same thing: everyone is a bit gay for hollander. or better yet: if i could, i would. hes not wrong for locking hollander down.

and ilya is first and foremost happy that everyone loves shane. and secondly, he is jelous that everyone loves shane. he wants to fight them all. he would fight god for him. apparently everyone finds his man hot. oh yay... oh nay.

it even becomes a meme! wags start it by doing a fuck marry kill thingy on tiktok or ig, and at first its the boston wags with "marry ilya 🥰, FUCK HOLLANDER (for taking him from us) 🤬, kill hunter 🥰" but then it escalates to "marry connors 😍, FUCK HOLLANDER (shouting with full chest) 🥵, kill pike 😇"

and after a bunch of wags did this, the players themselves have to do it for their teams social media team. and they are all "i guess fuck hollander... holy shit he has the goods (ass) 🥵" or "yeah, fuck hollander! its unfair that rozanov has took him off the market literally the second he hit it. 🥴 everybody wants a piece of that"

meanwhile #myshane gets messages like "HIM!?" "serously, hIMM?!" "what am i missing?" "give me a chance, i can be so much better than rozanov" "what do you see in him?"

and shane is FUMING. his baby is the most kindest, sweetest and cutest man ever, and he is always so attentive and just genuinely a good person. and ilya is fucking hot. shane has to clench his teeth so hard every times this comes up, and ilya had to confiscate shanes phone when he wanted to post "why are all these clowns messaging me, when i have my prince charming? please get help or delete my number" or some shit like that. he is seconds away from a joker type of crash out.

[florientius]

#myshane is socially awkward, and does not recognize when someone is flirting with him. so when the sun, the moon and every star align and he for some reason is in a social setting, he is BOMBARDED with women. they flock to him and try to lock down canadas golden boy. and hes polite and respectful, and so when they come up to him, acting like they just noticed who it is, not like theyve been eyeing him for close to 10 minutes, looking for the best time to attach him, like

oh, you are shane hollander!

yes, hi. how are you? may i ask, who am i speaking with?

oh, im linda! and i am a 100 percent better now that we are talking!

huh, yeah. is everything alright? is just, you implied your night wasnt the best so far, sorry. i had to ask.

oh yes. yes. thank you. my night is actually fantastic bc i am speaking with shane hollander. would you believe it?

oh, you are? must be nice. i personally wouldnt believe it, but it might just be me. so what do you do for a living, linda? i assume you know what i do for work, so...

nice of you to ask. i am a beautician here in montreal. i actually started my own business this year!

and do you like what you do? is it fulfilling?

hmmm, it is, but i can think of something else that can be quite... filling.

yeah? that must be nice! i mean, i dont know what id do without hockey, but it must be nice to have some options if being a beautician doesnt work out. i dont mean to jinx it!i hope everything works out the best for you!

wow, okay. wow. thank you.

yeah, anyway. i kinda have to go, but i hope everything works out for your business!

oh, wait! actually... can i give you my number?

oh, sure. of course!

linda gives him her number, shane saves it as "Linda, beautician, MTL", then sends it to his mom with a txt "can you check if linda beauty is an okay business to support? if yes, ill forward her number to the wags"

and yuna, having been accustomed to receiving random numbers during the year with similar requests is just, "yeah, honey. ill be on it" and she gets three more numbers by the end of the night.

and shanes phone is FULL of "Nikki, accountant, LA" and "Georgina, teacher, COL" and a few "Tom, bartender, DAL"...

after they announce the irina foundation but before the fanmail incident, ilya witnesses a moment like this, and then he goes through shanes phone, and hes just so amazed! so fucking fond of this little cute baby kitten. his bf has HUNDREDS of these. he dutifully deletes them and tells shane that he shouldnt clutter his contacts, bc only important people should be there.

and while he is amazed, ilya feels really fucking lucky, bc if shane had any attraction at all towards women, ilya thinks he would have so much more bullshit to fight to be with shane.

[advice-to-a-discarded-gay-boy]

I will never understand how people can interpret Shane as the “woman”, when Ilya Rozanov is right there casually being the most eldest daughter-coded character to ever exist.

He is holding his entire family together with his hands and never once receives acknowledgment, only criticism for his perceived failures.

He has assumed a nearly parental role for his father as his dementia worsens. It seems he has acted as a guardian to his older brother for a long time. And it is not a stretch to say that he was the one taking care of his mother towards the end.

He is silently carrying the weight and expectations of an entire country on his back. A country that would cast him aside if he dared to step out from behind the perfect mask he has constructed for others’ benefit.

He is angry but not allowed to yell. He is hurting but must suffer in silence. He is literally reduced to being a pretty face at his father’s side during galas and social events. He is explicitly told to listen and not speak.

He is so much his mother’s son that he has become her.

He has been forced behind every barrier and lie that has been used for decades to keep women down.

It is a tragedy and assault against his character and complexity to dismiss how he has been forced for his entire life to simultaneously act as the epitome of masculinity while fulfilling every role left empty by the loss of his mother.

He achieved the final form of the eldest daughter: forced mothering of people you never asked to depend on you and who have never tried once to support you in turn, or even acknowledge all that you do for them.

I don’t see how it is possible to critically examine Ilya’s relationship with his family and it’s impact on his character without bringing in the conflicting roles he is expected to fulfill, most of all the ones society and his family tell him he shouldn’t be fulfilling because they are “women’s roles” and then force him to fulfill any way.

I know Shane also carries a lot of pressure from his family, but as someone who both comes from supportive parents with very high expectations and is an only child, this reads to me a lot more like an only child expected to carry parent’s wishes and dream’s for his future (which is a role that exists largely separate from gender from what I’ve seen). In comparison to the expectations on Ilya to literally support his family’s mental and physical well being along with that of their image, a role which, sadly, tends to fall to women, specifically the eldest daughters.

Shane has so much character when he isn’t being boxed in as the heteronormative nagging wife or the stereotypical stressed daughter, because it just doesn’t work for his story line. Conversely, given the country he was raised in and the early loss of his mother, it does promote deeper exploration of Ilya’s character to see how conflicting gender roles, specifically that of star athlete son vs. responsible eldest daughter create further conflict between him and his remaining family.

Don’t map storylines onto character just because they fit stereotypes of bottom=woman, Asian man=effeminate, or man who has non-monogamous consensual sex=irresponsible. It’s misogynistic, racist, slut-shaming, and overall weird. It flattens their characters into archetypes when they could be so much more than that.

[penandinkprincess]

I know in my heart that shane is the type of person who would never bring up essential personal details until they are immediately relevant and then would also be so understated about them

he and ilya are hanging out in the yard and some bees are buzzing around because some watermelon juice spilled on the ground earlier and shane suggests they go inside or rinse the juice off the patio and ilya teases him about being scared of little bees and shane SO nonchalantly just, "no, but i am allergic and you don't know where my epipen is"

and ilya

[penandinkprincess]

reblogging with my own tags because i'm also CACKLING imagining the implications of this not being specific to ilya, either. they're having a barbeque at hayden and jackie's house and hayden is good-naturedly encouraging shane to try a piece of coffee cake or something and ilya just goes, "no, bad for you"

and hayden IMMEDIATELY is on the defensive because what? you get to tell him what to eat now? where do you get o-

"no, bad for him because it has walnuts in it, pike. you want him to die? this is what you want?"

"what are you talking about?"

shane: "i'm allergic"

"??? since WHEN??"

"since always??"

"you've eaten over at my house HOW many times?? and never brought this up? the fuck, dude?"

"jackie knows"

"WHY DOES JACKIE KNOW AND I DON'T"

[penandinkprincess]

yuna and david dialing IN to "if you don't freak out, they won't freak out" during shane's formative years to the unintended and unfortunate side effect of ending up in situations like bb!shane going *calm tug tug on david's shirt* "yeah buddy?" *big inhale that audibly wheezes as his throat starts swelling shut*

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of ilya on instagram accidentally pressing like while DEEP in allergy mommy blogging territory and natalie from That Allergy Mama DMing him to be like "hi, my husband wants me to tell you he says hi and that he's a big fan and also that call against you against san francisco was bullshit." "hello, husband of natalie. also do you have any suggestions for substituting peanuts in this recipe?"

shane at the other end of the couch after thirty minutes of ilya not looking up is just ??? who the FUCK are you texting down there??? and ilya still without looking up just, "many many sexy women who are crying because i am married now. they are very upset." as if his ass isn't diligently taking notes from a married mother of four on a good allergy-friendly pad thai recipe because shane mentioned in passing that it smelled good the last time ilya ordered some and now ilya wants to find out how to make some he can try.

[penandinkprincess]

he gets filmed for a what i eat in a day/day in the life type video and is so used to thinking about substitutes at this point that he doesn't even think about it when he mentions them in passing. they keep an allergy friendly household so the stuff he mentions is compliant, but it's paired with comments like, "and then i add some wowbutter, which is soybeans and not peanuts. we also sometimes have sunflower seed butter, but the texture for this is better with the wowbutter. i have also tried this, what is it called-shane: the gross paste with beans" *shane, offscreen from the living room*: "chickpea butter?" "yes, this." "it's nasty" "yes, not good. their jar says it is, but it is not. anyway-"

and it truly IS casual for him because this is just how he thinks now, but everyone else just ??? allergy friendly homemaker ilya rozanov??? since when??

[penandinkprincess]

A. the idea of ilya being lowkey stressed about shane surprising him and potentially being exposed to allergens is so fucking funny. ilya who ends up also keeping an allergy-friendly household PURELY because it's just less stressful that way. meanwhile the motherfucker WITH the allergies is SO fucking casual about it that it wouldn't even occur to him to ask ilya to do that.

B. when they're pushing the friendship cover, ilya gets nudge nudge jokes about trying to copy what hollander's doing, and he's not going to share information shane didn't greenlight to get out, so he just plays along. and now there's like. at least three other players lowkey accidentally following an allergy diet because they don't know it's an allergy diet. why do hollander and now rozanov not eat tree nuts? unclear, but they're also the best two players in the entire industry so it's worth a shot to copy them.

C. people being so afraid of ilya's wrath if shane has an allergic reaction to something at their house is KILLING ME. shane just fucking. STANDS near a plate of peanut butter cookies on the table in the backyard during a barbeque and four different people are immediately there shoving him away because they will NOT answer to rozanov about this. they will NOT die over cookies. who is the IDIOT who brought PEANUT BUTTER COOKI-

[penandinkprincess]

@lucky-santangelo ilya only getting five seconds of feeling smug and holier than thou before shane puts him on blast is KILLING me XD

@shanetism the idea of ilya finding out how many times he could have potentially killed shane over the years from not knowing this VERY IMPORTANT THING ABOUT HIM and shane's life flashing before HIS eyes is so funny. also the idea that shane was going to show him the fucking WELL at the cottage and just not mention the drawer his epipen is in and ilya being so ??!!! HOLLANDER ?!?! PRIORITIES ?!?!

[penandinkprincess]

shane groaning SO loud when ilya first breaks out the allergy cards because GOD ilya it's NOT that serious this is embarass-

oh? is this more or less embarassing than having allergic reaction in the middle of a restaurant and needing your epipen? hm? shut up and take the fucking shiny cards, hollander.

and riFUCKINGp to the restaurant that lied about not using peanut oil in their fryer as an angry, stressed ilya is stuck in a hospital lobby with wifi and a lot of energy that has nowhere to go until he's allowed to be back with his husband. you're DONE FOR.

also ilya being lowkey SO fucking frustrated at shane having allergies AND refusing to eat fast food, especially when they're on the road so often and ilya eats allergy-free when they're together. hollander, pick a struggle. you know what will not kill you? mcmuffin. she loves you. look at her allergen list. she is safe. this organic artisinal breakfast wrap from this tiny cafe cannot say the same. she does not love you like mcmuffin. she probably whores around with peanuts.

[penandinkprincess]

GOD the psychic damage ilya takes the day he finds out body products can have allergens in them. his body wash company is getting a SCATHING email about fucking around with their formula when there are PEOPLE with ALLERGIES who RELY ON-

and shane meanwhile is just, "i can take some meds and just be itchy for a little bit. it's seriously not a big deal." "you are covered in bumps! it could have been worse. they should have to give warnings if they are going to fuck around with things like this." "you seriously have to calm down. it's not going to stop me from play-" "shane i cannot overstate how much i need you to not talk about hockey to me right now."

[penandinkprincess]

MAN

shane growing up who always got, "oh, you poor thing" from well-intentioned adults as a kid and then, "damn, i could NEVER live like that" from same-age peers when older whenever he had to explain his allergies, and it was both annoying and also felt like failing at something when he had to decline a piece of birthday cake or a slice of pizza because it wasn't safe for him.

but if he frames it as a performance diet, then suddenly! admiration! he gets some teasing obviously, but there's also an air of "good for you, man" that lands a lot easier than pity.

this does, unfortunately, mean that he just develops a habit of just never saying ANYTHING when not directly asked lmao.

[penandinkprincess]

@riddlemaster101

i feel like shane would reliably tell medical people because this is a Rule for medical settings so yes of course he'll go into detail

for everyone else though??? cackling about people who have known him for literally fifteen years finding out about potentially deadly allergies ONLY because ilya is fucking interrogating the waiter at the restaurant. shane of Before just would have probably declined going and used his diet as an excuse because he didn't want to have it be A Whole Thing. now he has a husband to "he said no pickles" his allergies on his behalf, so he's straight chilling. 🤣

[wendydarling95]

Can we also talk about the Yuna and David of it all?

David spots them at the cottage and they go over, Shane's cottage is obviously allergen free and the shopping he did is all safe for him. Yuna and David know to cook safely, the chicken parm is all good and fine but they say "the croutons aren't safe for you, but you don't like those anyway" just in passing as a matter of habit and Ilya who JUST learned about bananas and latex and bees is like "oh wow! More allergies?? I need a list. Haha" and then they have the meal and the panic attack and they become boyfriends. Before they leave Yuna makes him a copy of her list of all the known allergens and Shane's common reactions to them, it's the first time he hugs her. He looks her in the eye and says "thank you for letting me take care of him. I will be careful."

It's a relief, to know he cares to try. But at the end of the day they JUST met this man. So they cross their fingers and try not to feel the same way they did every time Shane went to somebody's house for a birthday party or a sleepover.

And then they are over at the cottage some night and they decide to order in for dinner. Ilya takes everybody's orders and goes to the kitchen to call it in for them and it's taking *forever* so Yuna goes to see if he needs any help. She finds him sitting with two copies of the list, hers and one translated into Russian for his easy reference. He has the phone on speaker and says "thank you for checking the dressing ingredients, I know is weird request, but sometimes Caesar dressing is safe, sometimes not safe, but he likes it so much is worth checking. Yes, I'll hold again."

They've ordered from this place a dozen times, their recipe for Caesar dressing is safe, YUNA knows that, SHANE knows that, that's why he ordered it. But *Ilya* doesn't. So he's checking. Because Shane wants the dressing and Ilya want him *safe* and *happy*. And isn't that all a parent wants? For their kid to be with someone who is just as invested in their happiness and safety as they are? For somebody who will wait on hold while they check the fry oil and the dressing ingredients and whatever else?

Once Ilya has placed the order and hung up he gets surprised by a hug from behind, thin arms wrapped around him and perfume he's starting to recognize. He's bewildered, but when he asks gently "...Mrs. Hollander?" She just tells him to call her Yuna.

[penandinkprincess]

WEEPING

also cackling about the idea of ilya using the group chat with them to be mad about brands changing their ingredients so things that were SAFE are now NOT 😤 it started just as a "hey, those crackers aren't safe anymore" as a collective fyi thing, but it ends up being ilya just mad about safe things not being safe anymore

significantly shane remains SO unbothered about it all

[penandinkprincess]

also EXTREMELY funny to imagine ilya suddenly being strict about allergens in his house with svetlana, who has done body shots off of strangers with this motherfucker who is suddenly?? confiscating her granola bar??? ilya what the actual FUCK is happening right now??? "no peanuts inside anymore" "...what the fuCK ARE YOU TALKI-"

[parrish-the-thot]

Imaging Ilya bragging about getting sexy pictures from ‘Jane’ and how hot she is but never showing the other guys pics

Marley just trying to be silly and tease his bro takes Ilya phone to find the so called sexy/cute pictures of Jane

Marley seeing was is most definitely cock and balls and some guys way stretched out hole

Marley silently sliding the phone back into Ilya bag and tells no one

[florientius]

omg you r cooking on low heat. lets turn that shit up: ilya begging shane for freckles pics and shane bless his heart just sends a selfie where he cropped it around his freckles. or ilya being a weirdo (like me) and asking for "waist pic pls" and then shane send one in a white t shirt, only his waist is in the pic. hes not holding up the shirt, its not wet. not even very see through like a lot of white shirts. its just a very boring pic. but ilya LOVES it.

and like, ilya is canonically turned on when he imagines shane in matching pjs, so he asks for "pj pic!" and shane sends a picture of the pj on his bed, neatly folded. when ilya sees that hes light headed. shanes folded clothes = sex. hes immediately turned on.

and with all these weird request from ilya, the answer pics from shane are always accompanied by a bunch of question marks, but ilya never says anything but thank you. so when marly finds the pics first hes fucking confused, but then he sees a dildo in hole pic or a def male tits pic, and hes like, ok. actually nvm.