#mental crap

[theactionkat]

*puts glitter on my anxiety* now it’s cute right

[ravynfyre]

stupid shit

I have a hard time getting started. I have an even worse time finishing. when I was a kid, perfection was expected... and punished when it wasn't achieved. but at the same time, when it *was* achieved, i'd be told that they "never expected me to actually manage it." add in the executive dysfunction that i didn't learn was even a thing that *wasn't* "laziness" until basically last year, and the adhd that i am only now beginning to accept might be a real thing with me... it all equals a crippling fear of failure, which, of course, i am one and always have been and any any success is just a fluke. so...

i have always tried to break things down into smaller "projects" to give myself distinct end goals toward the whole. it makes it easier to get things done, because if I don't finish something in one shot? i rarely return to it. generally, the only times i reliably finish big tasks is when i manage to trigger myself into what i used to call a "theta state", which i have come to realize is probably a manic episode, where i can truly hyperfocus on the project to the exclusion of everything else. it worked better when i was married, because if things needed to be done - like feeding the dogs, for example - the partner would handle it while i was "in the zone". i can't afford to do that now that i live alone... so i try to break my tasks into even smaller "projects" so that there's an end point to it. a chapter in a bigger book, if you will. the problem is... starting the next "chapter", knowing that it has to end up being perfect, or i will scrap the *entire idea.*

all why trying to fight the feeling of "just being a lazy piece of shit".

what discipline i had in my life, i feel like i used up while trying to achieve my childhood dreams of joining emergency services. and then i lost that, so i have a huge feeling of "what's the fucking point, then, if it can all be taken away, even though you did, for once, everything right?"

all this to say that i haven't written anything on my fics for... months now, i haven't even started the mari lwyd project i promised i'd have finished last friday, i have three major house organization projects that i am stalling on, no yule decorating done at all, a new custom pop to work on that i haven't even opened, cleaning and chores, and all i really *want* to do is crawl into my chair and sleep. i'm cold. i'm hot. i'm tired. i'm bored. i'm overwhelmed. i'm in pain. i'm exhausted. i'm sick of struggling. and i'm angry because i haven't even done anything *worthy* of being tired or exhausted or overwhelmed.

that's basically it. i just needed to vent for a bit. sorry.

[doilooklikeiknowwhatimdoing]

I've been stuck in my head all day - while my brain's telling me I deserve these feelings

[codexargentum-archive]

//not gonna be around for long. but in the meantime i’ll try do that one certain reply i promised and hopefully get the 1 big starter i owe up. <3

[windydesert]

When you go soul searching, trying to understand the roots of your problems, and you find some roots, but some problems are still unresolved and you can't find roots of these problems because there must be a rational explanation for everything and in this case there is none. And then you remember that you have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Ah yes. This is it. And suddenly everything is crystal fucking clear.

[404witchnotfound]

ahhhhhhh it’s one of those days where I’m listening to the same three songs on repeat all day 

[stardustednymph]

I could use all the positive thoughts y'all can spare today... My first therapy session since May is this afternoon I'm very nervous

[stardustednymph]

I did it.

I left a message at a therapist’s office.