#mercy flashbacks

[mercyshepard]

[ME2: Horizon]

'Commander Shepard…'

Mercy's heart faltered. The voice gripped her, filled her mind and body and possessed her entirely. That voice…

'Captain of the Normandy, First Human Spectre…'

As the figure emerged from the shadows Shepard felt an ache deep inside. He was older. A lot older than the two years that had passed. Grief and loneliness had eroded his once boyish gentleness, his brow was lined with concerns, and his eyes were so much darker. Oh God, the sorrow in those eyes…

Kaidan Alenko walked towards her, the same man and yet not the same. With a sad smile he added softly:

'Savior… of the Citadel…'

His gaze met hers. Mercy knew in an instant that it was not the same way he used to look at her. After a few moments of hallowed silence, Kaidan turned away and said to the colonist:

'You're in the presence of a legend, Delan.' Then, accusingly, once more at Shepard: 'And a ghost.'

Delan regarded Kaidan with utter disgust. Shaking his head, he complained: 'All the good people we lost and you get left behind… Figures.' He threw up his arms in exasperation. 'Screw this! I'm done with you Alliance types.'

The colonist stormed off, but no one even noticed his departure. Miranda and Jacob were silent - deathly so. Shepard was frozen. Kaidan began to walk slowly towards her, and with every step she could see a new and conflicting emotion in his tired eyes. He studied her features like a man not believing what he saw. Confusion. Fear. Regret. Mercy felt his pain in the breath of air between them. It was in silence that they shared this breath, their hearts and souls reaching out in some hopeless attempt to communicate. There was uncertainty in his steps. For a moment it seemed that he was going to turn back.

But then he let go of the chaos in which he was lost, closed his eyes to the pain, and simply took her in his arms.

Mercy sank against him, warmth spreading through her cold bones. She felt his cheek against hers, his sigh on her neck. She smelled his sweat intermingled with her own and was overcome with memories. When he spoke, his voice was husky, strained:

'I thought you were dead, Shepard… We all did.'

She squeezed him tightly. Then, reluctantly, they both let go.

'It's been too long, Kaidan,' she whispered as he pulled away. She gave him a soft smile. 'How have you been?'

He shook his head in disbelief. 'Is that all you have to say?' A choke escaped his lungs as he fought back tears. 'You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened? I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real.' He took hold of her hands and Mercy watched him struggle as he stared down at them. 'I… I loved you.'

The words were like a dagger in her heart. They had never spoken the true meaning of their feelings for each other. The word "love" had never been risked. Shepard had gone to her death without ever telling him that she loved him, and he had lost her without ever knowing it. As momentous as his words were at this moment, Mercy noticed with deep sorrow that he had said "loved".

'Thinking you were dead tore me apart,' Kaidan hissed, his voice rising. 'How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?!'

Shepard was stunned. 'You're angry?' She could not believe it. 'Kaidan, I didn't fake my death so I could drop off the grid! I was clinically dead!' Hurt and rage pulsed in her blood. 'It took two years for Cerberus to bring me back! I was-'

'You're with Cerberus…' Kaidan immediately let go of her hands. The betrayal in his eyes made her stop mid-sentence. He was stepping back from her, shaking his head, looking at her like she was some kind of monster. 'We heard rumors, but… I never thought…'

'Rumors?' said Miranda, who had previously remained quiet. 'So much for security…'

Kaidan gave her a glance. 'Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies,' he said quietly. 'I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but I had heard the rumours. That you weren't dead…' His sad gaze passed from Miranda to Jacob and then back to Mercy. 'And you were working for the enemy.'

'No,' Shepard told him vehemently. 'Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them!'

'Do you really believe that? Or is that just want Cerberus wants you to think?'

Frustration was igniting into anger. 'The Alliance sent you here to investigate me, didn't they?' she accused him.

'I was here for Cerberus. You were just a rumor. I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this.' He regarded her with disgust, brow furrowed and lips curling angrily. 'You turned your back on everything we believed in!' he burst out. 'You betrayed the Alliance! You betrayed me…'

'Stop it!' It was almost a plea. 'You need to focus on what's happening now. You saw it yourself - the Collectors are targeting human colonies, and they're working with the Reapers!' She was losing the battle and the desperation to convince Kaidan was threatening to shatter her strong exterior.

'I wanna believe you, Shepard,' he said. 'But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?'

Miranda snorted behind her. 'Typical Alliance attitude. You're so focused on Cerberus that you're blind to the real threat.'

'You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts,' Mercy told Kaidan urgently. 'You have to listen to reason!'

He touched his fingertips to his temple, the lines of migraine pain drawing at his face. 'You show up after two years and tell me you're working with Cerberus. Where does reason figure into any of this?' He sighed. 'You've changed.'

'Kaidan…'

'But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be.' With that statement his countenance was renewed, and Kaidan drew himself up proudly. She could see it in his expression now. This was the end. He had made his choice. 'I've gotta report back to the Citadel,' he said. 'They can decide if they believe your story or not.'

Without waiting for her response, Commander Kaidan Alenko turned away and started to walk. Mercy wanted to go after him. She wanted to fight him. She wanted to convince him.

You can't leave like this! There's something you don't know - something I have to tell you. Would it even make any difference now? His faith in her had died the moment she stepped foot on that damned Cerberus station. His love for her was gone. But he had lost more than he knew that day when the Normandy went down. More than he would ever know.

Please turn around, she begged, reaching out to him in wordless prayer. Please, Kaidan… I need you…

He stopped. Perhaps he had heard her silent cries. Shepard held her breath.

Not even allowing himself to look back at her, he said in a quiet voice:

'Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful.'

And when he walked away he took the last piece of her broken heart with him.

[mercyshepard]

Dead. All of them. Their tiny bodies crammed into shipping crates the way you wouldn't even transport animals. There was a stench of urine and feces, scratch marks on the walls - horrific signs that those children had been alive in there not long ago. Stood at the entrance of one of the crates, Shepard felt her stomach lurch as she saw two of the limp figures tangled together in fearful embrace. The smallest could have been no older than seven. Revulsion and rage battled within Shepard, bringing tears to her eyes. She could not look away.

The chase ended here on Torfan. The slavers had surrendered. Their cargo was worthless. Their lives were all they had left, and they begged for them like dogs. In the darkness of her mind Shepard heard the voice of the man back on Mindoir: "You have to find them. Please…" The light dying from his eyes as he clutched desperately at Shepard's hand.

Down the barrel of her rifle she looked from the grey corpses to the throng of disarmed batarian captives. Behind her the soldiers awaited orders to gather the prisoners. It took Shepard only a few moments to make a decision.

"Do you have the slavers?" she heard Major Kyle call over the comm. "Where are they?"

Dead, her mind whispered. All of them.

[Flashback: Torfan, 2178]

[mercyshepard]

"Thanks To Cerberus"

[Flashback: ME2]

Of all the people who could have found her body. Cerberus. The thought had crossed Shepard's mind that she might have preferred to stay dead.

Fact is: you're not dead, she told herself, as she scowled at a massive Cerberus logo emblazoned on the wall of the CIC. She didn't trust The Illusive Man for one second, and her ship was full of goddamn Cerberus, but she was alive. And the arrangement was only temporary. Think of it as using them for their funds and resources in order to get to the Collectors. She didn't care what that slippery bastard's true agenda was, because hers was the only one that mattered.

The data completed its transfer from the terminal to her data pad and there was a sound of confirmation. Having been slouched lazily over the terminal, Mercy pushed herself up from her elbows and moved away. She avoided the intense stare of the Yeoman (that woman creeps the hell out of me…) and headed for the cockpit.

Shepard smiled a little as she spotted Joker. So good to have a familiar face amid all this madness. She came up behind him and gave him a friendly swipe of his hat.

'Hey!' the young pilot protested as the beak of his hat fell in front of his eyes. 'Oh, yeah, real smart idea, Shepard: obscure the vision of the guy driving the ship…'

Mercy laughed and dropped down into the co-pilot seat beside him, data pad in hand. 'Aww, you can't stay mad at me, Joker,' she mocked. 'I know you missed me when I was dead.'

'You can only play the "I was dead" card so many times…'

She took a look at the data pad. There were three more dossiers after the salarian. Picking up a squaddie from a plague quarantine area wasn't exactly a picnic, but if he was as useful as The Illusive Man said he was, it would be worth the effort. Mercy gave a huff of displeasure at the thought of following Cerberus recommendations.

'If only you were fit to join the ground team,' she said to Joker. 'I'd much rather have you at my back than that… lab-constructed catsuit and the gun for hire.'

'Uh, for the record: I'm a big fan of the catsuit… Person inside it, not so much.' He shrugged. 'But Jacob's an okay guy.'

'Yeah, maybe… I just…'

'Might I suggest,' chimed an electronic voice, 'that you spend some time getting to know Miss Lawson, Shepard, in order to improve colleague relations and increase efficiency?'

Shepard shot Joker a look. Joker nodded and touched a control. A bleep sounded from EDI's display and flashed up the word: "MUTED". They both leaned back in their chairs smugly.