#message me first

[boowomp]

i literally have like. 2 or 3 friends who ever talk to me without me messaging them first.......

[horriblelovestories]

Snapchat matched my outfit

[fleurladari-a]

gonna do a little addendum/add on to the FANKID mention in my previous post. i LOVE fankids, i think they're very fun, i think they're neat. but i will say that i will be SELECTIVE with it, this is just because. 1. biological children from this man are INCREDIBLY UNLIKELY. it's POSSIBLE.............but very unlikely. and then the only reason he'd be adopting is for a similar reason to what his was for Silva. that being SAID, there is a possibility that he would adopt PRIOR to he lost hope. there are WAYS that a fankid could work, it'd just need some plotting and such. not to mention this guy does sometimes just randomly pick up kids for experimental 'him caring' purposes so who knows.

[sockie-the-fuckingcat]

Randomly decided to check my inbox and found HELLA NUDES💀

[cakethegreatxx]

So. If you want to be on my snap, message me first on here so I know I'm not adding any creepos. Not something I would typically do but I need to make new friends. FRIENDS only, I'm in a dedicated loving relationship.

[csdragon]

I don’t know why but I feel like crud tonight.

It’s the same emotion I feel every sleepless lonely night. But tonight is 10x worse and I don’t know why. This is gonna be a very rambley post. I am very tired and can’t sleep because of this

I usually avoid this post. Cuz it feels half like some kind of political move I’m making on my friends, and half cuz it feels like vagueposting at specific people. But this either of those things.

I just need to talk. Yes if you look too deep, this post has implications at specific people probably. But I'm not trying to make them feel bad. I don’t want to put drama in their lives. That’s not the point. If you’re reading this and thinking this is about you specifically, it’s not.

I just feel like nobody actively wants me. Sure I’ve got a decent number of friends who like me, but that’s a passive want, not an active want. If I dropped off the face of the earth for months at a time (and I have several times), nobody would actively seek me out. Months and months have passed, and I might get a message saying “haven’t heard from you in a while” from one person. Nobody talks to me on a consistent basis.

Being passively wanted is nice, of course, when it’s not all you get. Like, obviously nobody ever says “ah crud, Chris contacted me today”. People are generally happy when I contact them. But with nobody actively wanting me, I feel taken for granted.

Like, is it too much to ask that whenever someone sees something cool they think, “wow, I bet Chris would really like this”? Or even, “wow, I want to gush about how cool this is, I bet Chris would like to hear!” or “I need an opinion on something, I know, I’ll get Chris’s!” Or “I’m doing something today, I bet Chris would like to join me!”. It seems like everyone else has people like that for them. Though maybe that’s because I act as that person for like 4 people. So it just seems like it, but my sample size is me and the people I dote on, and fictional characters.

Am I being too high maintenance? Is it bad to want people to profess their desire for my presence? Is my need for validation too high because I’ve been starved so long?

This is why I avoid self-reflection. It just reminds me how unimportant I am. I don’t leave an impact in people’s lives. I don’t know how. I make giant acts that show how much I care about them. I research things people like, indulge in their interests, do them favors, and yet I fail to be even a presence in their minds when I’m not around.

Time and time again, I join new friendgroups, act as the glue that keeps things rolling, but just get ignored. Do you know how many people from the LA Card Shop have EVER contacted me outside of said card shop? Of the 6 friends I made there? ZERO. Not even once! Not even after I moved away did any of them ask “oh hey, how’s life treating you”. I feel like a character in people’s lives. Not a person.

I have to do all the emotional labor. Because ultimately it just comes down to me bugging them over and over to continue being their friend. And I don’t mind having to do that for 4 or so people. It’s part of my personality to obsess over people. But to have nobody do it for me in return is just crushing.

asdf I’m going in circles. Just kinda wallowing in my misery instead of making anything constructive out of this post. But it’s not something solvable. I can’t say “hey friends. Please contact me first” because that’s not actually contacting me first. It defeats the point. Not only is that me telling them to do it, but they‘d be doing it out of pity. But that’s what turns this from annoying to a constant pit in my stomach. Not only that I’m doomed to repeat this process every time I find new friends or a new crush, but that I can’t call attention to it. The very act of writing this post is just gonna make things awkward with the friends I currently have.

Again, if this sounds like I’m talking at you, I’m not. Not specifically anyway. This just keeps happening, and the story is similar each time.

[robespierreofficiel]

sooooooo how many of yall, my followers, is on fallen london?

[anyhao-archived]

me: wants to be friends with mutuals and message them and have fun

me instead: tags them in one thing and then freaks out about it for a week