CW: Nudity, descriptions of trauma, implied torture, short but toxic trauma response
“Alright,” Ashanti begins, sitting cross-legged like myself and facing me. “Me and you are gonna do this for just 5 minutes, then we can do somethin’ comfortable together.” Her voice is sweet, a little soft, but there’s a slight hint of toughness, not just in her words.
“Um… okay.” I respond. My voice quivers heavily. My hands twiddle each other. I absolutely do not want to think about what that white demon did to me. There’s a strong sickness in my stomach, causing me to breathe slowly but shakily.
Ashanti nods. I stand up, keeping myself focused on her. My legs are shaking, but she looks back with determination. My hands reach towards the top button of my dark fluffy onesie; an item of clothing that has been my protection. Shakily, I unbutton all that are below it, until Ashanti can see the front of my nude figure.
At once, the cold air blows against my front. It immediately reminds me. I know that right now I’m not naked and tied to a tree, a group of white cultists in front of me, and her standing with her hands on her disgusting, fat hips, grinning at me. But it does feel that way.
My stomach churns, and I almost feel light-headed. I keep staring at Ashanti, as I very slowly let the onesie fall off me. My arms are tight, and I breathe quietly but very quickly. A quivering frown had already formed on my mouth, I feel my lips trembling heavily, just as quickly as my body.
Hesitatingly, I let the onesie slip off a little quicker. I desperately want to savour the last few moments of warmth, softness, protection.
Slowly, I take off my onesie. It falls against the floor.
I am now stark naked.
The air hits the rest of my skin harshly, like something heavy being thrown at me. Even though only my love is here, my Ashanti who will protect me from anything, I feel watched by thousands. I can almost see that white devil in my vision. My eyes widen.
“You’re still here,” Ashanti whispers, “don’t panic. You’re doin’ well.” She places a gentle touch against my skin.
Despite her words, all I can think about is the woman who cut my finger off.
I look towards my hand, my left hand. The stump is still a bit bloody, with a bandage wrapped around it. I can’t help but cringe, even though I’m obsessively repeating “I’m safe” in my mind-
SHE’S HERE SHE’S HERE SHE’S HERE SHE’S HERE SHE’S HERE
Suddenly, I look up. She’s not there. I look around the room, expecting to see that woman, smiling at my fear, but she isn’t here.
“It’s alright,” Ashanti coos, “you wanna walk around for a bit?” I nod my head, shakily. “We’ll do that, then how about we cuddle for a bit?” I nod again. I don’t want to speak.
Ashanti puts her hand on my back. My foot slowly steps forward, the cold, hard floor causing a slight shock as I step down again.
“I’m scared,” I whimper, my voice barely hanging on. I breathe out, shakily.
“You will feel scared, but that’s normal. Just keep tellin’ yourself that you’re here and safe.” That’s what I am doing. It works, just a little bit, but I still feel my stomach churning violently, and the sound of that white devil, yelling manically in my ears, even though she isn’t here. I can hear the smile in her voice, how she told me exactly what she was going to do, and exactly why I deserved it.
I try to force my brain to think of Ashanti’s hand on my shoulder as she guides me in circles around the grey room. It works, a little. That, and also focusing on the sound of wind, the cold on my naked body. My chest is still hollow. I want to run. I feel like getting my onesie back on, but at the same time I feel as if I could survive a just a few more moments.
I do, surprisingly. The fear only subsides slightly, but I am able to focus more on the present. The white devil still speaks, but due to Ashanti’s calm words, I am able to realise its just in my head, even though Ashanti doesn’t know.
“I think we should stop now,” she says, looking away. She’s looking towards the onesie that slipped onto the floor moments ago. It’s crumpled against the dirty-ish floor, but I still desperately want to feel it against my skin.
Ashanti’s hand is no longer there. I crunch into myself slightly, still standing. I should know that she’s just getting my coat, but my brain won’t let me think that.
“Here, it’s done now.” The sound is beautiful to me. Peaceful, at last. I quickly put the onesie on, sighing in relief. My body feels a lot warmer, and a lot looser and softer. It’s finally done.
“You were so brave,” she whispers. She places a gentle hand on my face. But I… Just this moment, I felt my body fly in relief, but now I’m beginning to burn in anger. I push her hand away, hesitantly backing up.
“Dimaq?”
“D-Don’t talk to me!” Why did she make me feel this? This fear that gripped and suffocated my chest, made my body quiver. Even now, my hands are up to my chest, shakily twiddling, seemingly out of fear even though my body is beginning to burn in anger. “You don’t get how hard this is. That was so hard for me! I was- this- this is-!” I don’t know what I’m saying.
“Dimaq, calm down.” She says, firmly.
“No!” My arms straighten behind me. “You made me feel so vulnerable just then. I shouldn’t be feeling this, I should be moving on. Taking care of our 2 children. But instead, y-you’re making me feel terrified!” My voice breaks, tears suddenly coming in my eyes.
“Dimaq, calm down.” She says, firmly.
“You want me to calm down?!” She flinches. I grit my teeth. “You will get on your fucking knees, and beg me.” I say these words slowly, but my voice aches with anger. “Down, lady!”
Ashanti doesn’t get down. She stares at me, her eyes narrow with disgust. She begins to breathe harshly. Her body towers over me, like a giant. My body jolts in fear, and I look away. “Um, uh, I’m sorry, I- I-“
“Dimaq, it’s okay.” She says bluntly. I cannot look back at her, not after what I’ve just said. My hand quickly rubs my fist, and I breathe quickly. Suddenly, 2 large hands wrap around my fist, as well as the hand rubbing it. “Sit down, with me.” Her voice is a lot sweeter now.
I sit down, whimpering a little. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t, I really didn’t.” My hands squeeze my head, my left hand pulling a little on my locs. My palm smacks on my forehead a couple of times.
“Hey, hey,” she coos, “it’s alright.” She brings me into a hug, her large, chubby body comforting me a little. I still whimper feebly. “Getting’ angry is completely normal. I’ll… tell you somethin’.”
“I’m listening.” My voice cracks, and I rub a tear from my eye. She brings me a little closer into the hug.
“Not long after I gave birth to our twins, my mama had me do this. She’d do it whilst you were takin’ care of them with your mama or father. She used to kneel right on my stomach, and say things that she said whilst I were givin’ birth. It was terrifyin’. I would scream and shout, but it got that out of my system.
“I’m tellin’ you this because… after we were done, the first few times, I’d scream at her way worse than this. I was so angry at her. But she forgives and understands. She’s a healer.”
Normally that thought would be so outlandish, to me, for so many reasons. However, the fact that we know they’ve hung out with his sister on more than one occasion in secret (I think she’s the wingman/third wheel 😂) his birthday/appreciation post (for Ann@), the way he was blushing during CC about them being “allowed to do things” followed up by his story turned highlight post about Titans on IG I’m just like 👀 Let me find out Ann@ is in 🇦🇺 😂 😂 😂 A friend of mine thinks she may actually be in a relationship with his sister 🤔 Either way the Thw@!3$ siblings are truly “lucky” 😉 😉 Ann@ is a gem!
yeah same. I don’t ship irl people, as far as I go is saying “oh they’d make a cute couple”, mainly when they don’t share their relationship(however that may be) to fans.
ugh. I wish Brenton and Anna would share just a small fraction of their friendship w/us 😭
naw Brenton was doing all that cheesing and blushing at CC like Kory and Dick got down and dirty, they just KISSED! And it rocked his world 🤭
He gagged me w/his story turned highlight basically praising Anna. “In particular my alien titan how lucky I was”.
HIS SISTER!?!?! what made your friend come to that conclusion. No judgment but I don’t see it.
I forgot to post this but his is a messy drawing of my Fursona I guess. Her fur is apple colors (except yellow cause if I used it she’d look exactly like her bf)
