I have problems with being too hard on myself even though I try not to be, it is like I can't help it. I feel like this effects how I see others, I think they see me as a failure or not a good person. I feel like everything i say and do is wrong or not good enough. I want to conquer this. Do you have any advice? I know it won't happen over night but maybe I can gradually improve. Thank you <3
Hi there!
I just want to start by sharing one of my favourite quotes in the world:
“Failure is an event, never a person.” - William D. Brown
While there may be moments that you feel you could have done better or been better, these moments do not define you. It’s also important to remember that we all have these moments! And chances are, everyone is too busy focusing on their own mistakes to judge you for yours. Perfection is simply unachievable, and everyone knows that. I promise you that you are at least ten times harder on yourself than anyone else is on you.
I personally find that focusing on the enjoyment of what you’re doing can help to combat perfectionism. If you’re talking to someone, focus on how much you enjoy talking to them or how interesting what they’re saying is. If you’re working on something, focus on the progress you’ve made and the things you’re learning along the way. If you’re doing a hobby or an activity of some sort, focus on how much fun you’re having rather than how good at it you are. Life isn’t always about being the best or even about trying your best. Sometimes, it’s okay to just have fun in the moment and appreciate what you’re doing just because you’re doing it! When you catch yourself being hard on yourself, try to immediately combat those thoughts. Remind yourself that you are enough, and that what you’re doing doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth doing. You may not believe it at first, but the more you remind yourself of this, the more you’ll realise it’s true.
Remember to invest time and energy in yourself. Make sure you’re taking time every single day to just look after yourself and relax. This could be something as simple as reading a book or having a bath or going for a walk, but whatever it is, do it for no other reason reason than because you want to do it. The kinder you are to yourself, the easier you’ll find it to be kind to yourself in the future when things don’t go according to plan. In fact, this is especially important to do when you feel you’ve done something wrong. Before you even get the chance to start criticising yourself, go and do something to care for yourself. Show yourself that no matter what, you are good enough and you deserve care and kindness.
Always remind yourself that nothing has to happen to make you ‘worthy’. You are already enough, just as you are! Keep telling yourself that until you believe it, and then tell yourself it some more!
You’re completely right, you can gradually improve and you will! I highly recommend speaking to a counsellor or a doctor if you are able to. Having professional support can make this much easier, and having someone to remind you to keep fighting the negative thoughts can be massively helpful. While my biggest recommendation is definitely a professional, even talking to a family member or a friend about it can help. You deserve support through this.
And please remember that we are here for you every step of the way!
All the love,
Ellen x