#mhaemily

[mental-health-advice]

ive been having this problem for abt a year and i never thought it was a major problem but i told my friend about it and they said it could b disassociation but i dont kno much abt that so i cant say anything abt it. what happens is like i space out but my mind isnt wandering, i experience no thoughts or feelings and i have no concept of my surroundings or time or anything. its like all brain activity stops. it used to not happen that often but recently it happens a lot. (part 1)

(part 2)it hardly happens at school bcuz idk maybe i feel safer and more supported in that environment or something but otherwise whenever someone stops talking to me even for like 2 seconds i will be completely out of it, especially in group conversations. i sent in an ask a bit ago tagged whathappenedm8 and i think this could relate to that, idk. i’m going to ask my therapist abt it when i see him again in early february but i’d like more than one perspective on it. thanks! (tag whatm8o)

Hi whatm8o!

Thankyou for reaching out! First of all, I think that talking to your psychologist about it is a fantastic idea!

In my opinion, what you are experiencing does sound like disassociation, but I am not a medical professional and can not diagnose you. However, I do personally experience disassociation occasionally and this sounds similar to it. I often describe my experience as being like watching everything on a screen through a phone camera or like seeing things as if it is a movie.

I read over your last ask that you mentioned (whathappenedm8) and it could potentially be linked. People who disassociate can have difficulty remembering parts of what happened when they disassociated.

This website defines disassociation as ‘disruptions in aspects of consciousness, identity, memory, physical actions and/or the environment’. I think that this definition is pretty accurate.

Disassociation is a coping skill that can develop in times of high stress. It is used to separate yourself from a situation. It is commonly caused by a traumatic experience/memory, but in my experience, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes just high levels of stress and anxiety can be the cause.

As for what you can do about it, there are some super helpful suggestions on our contents page, here.

Otherwise, I’d highly recommend doing the following (this usually works for me):

Pick an object around you, any object. This could be a flower, necklace or even a pet. Now describe the object in great detail. Describe it’s smell, colour, texture and sound. For example; Let’s say you choose a flower. The flower smells sweet but it’s scent is weak. The stem is a medium green with little fine hair-like strands on the sides. The flower is a gold colour that is a mix between a bright yellow and orange. The flower has many tightly-packed petals, it reminds me of a pom pom. The petals are soft and thin. It seems delicate. It is so delicate and soft that it makes no sound.

This usually helps ground me back in the moment. But sometimes it doesn’t work and in those moments, I personally find that it helps to take a moment to go get a drink and then try my best to engage in conversation with someone I feel safe around and just wait out the ‘spacey moment’.

I hope this was helpful! Good luck in the future!

-Emily

[mental-health-advice]

My psychologist made me write letters to my parents about everything I've always wanted to say to them.She said the only way to mature and free myself from anxiety is to tell them what I've written.How the hell do I even open up?I'm scared due to their judgmental nature and my mom's unpredictability

Hi Anon!

I understand that this situation might be causing you some anxiety. It is a difficult thing to do, to open up to parents when you don’t think that they will be accepting. I also had to do this in the earlier weeks of my therapy, and it was very very difficult. I personally was very anxious, but I took the plunge and my therapist supported me by allowing me to tell them in a family session with her present and she helped me explain some of the things I had to say. Instead of a letter, I had little cue cards with sentences written on them so that I could say one thing and at time and we could discuss it slowly. But, I did feel a bit lighter after having said it.

I would suggest talking to your psychologist about talking to your parents in a session with her and perhaps having her help tell them what was in your letter. If you are very anxious and scared, perhaps ask you psychologist if you can tell them in small amounts. Perhaps, one topic from your letter in every session or something similar? This might make the topics in the letter easier for your parents to process and understand.

Also, if you feel more comfortable talking to one parent than the other, you could talk to one parent about the letter first and explain to them that you are nervous and maybe they can support you when telling the other parent.

Otherwise, I’d suggest telling your psychologist about your concerns regarding telling your parents. If you don’t feel like you are ready to tell them, then letting your psychologist know could be helpful. She might have some other suggestions as to what can be done to make it a more comfortable experience.

I hope this was helpful! I hope you telling you parents about the letter goes well!

-Emily

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! I haven't been doing to well lately. Normally I could maintain a semi-cheerful attitude for the sake of my friends (they all have their own problems) but I just don't try anymore. I feel incredibly apathetic. I wanted to try and get in touch with a therapist but really don't want to have to get my parents involve (I'm 16). They have enough problems and I have enough trouble already speaking because I can't seem to find enough energy to voice my thoughts. Any ideas what's wrong? Tag TNG pls.

Hi TNG!

I’m very sorry to hear that you haven’t been doing well lately. But I’m very happy that you decided to reach out!

I understand the keeping up a cheerful attitude for other people but feeling like you can’t do that anymore. This is something I have experienced and still do experience, so you definitely aren’t alone. I think it is important to remember that your friends likely want to support you as much as you want to support them and it is okay to let your cheerful attitude down sometimes. As much as we all don’t want to bring our friends down or worry them, we simply must cut ourselves some slack. It can be incredibly exhausting to keep up a fake cheerful attitude all the time. Which leads me to my next point.

I would suggest that the reason why you are unable to continue maintaining your semi-cheerful attitude and feel apathetic is because you have emotionally exhausted yourself. It takes a lot of energy to keep up that kind of exterior.

I understand not wanting to ask your parents to get in touch with a therapist. It can be difficult especially if you haven’t talked to them about it before and getting the motivation to talk can also add to the difficulty of the situation. I understand that parents can have a lot of problems and seem to be too busy to talk about things such as this sometimes. As long as you feel safe and comfortable, I’d suggest that you try to talk to your parents about seeing a therapist. Perhaps you could say something like ‘I’m not doing too well mentally at the moment and I’d really like to see a therapist. But please understand that I don’t have much energy to explain my feelings at the moment and I will tell you as much as I can at another time’

However, I understand that talking to your parents isn’t always an option, so I’d also suggest that you talk to your school counsellor. Your school counsellor should be able to help a bit and maybe even help you talk to your parents if that is something that you wish to do. Otherwise, depending on where you live, there are often free and paid services that will allow you to use their services without having to let your parents know. I once took a 16 year old friend of mine to see a free community counsellor without letting his parents know and he found it greatly beneficial and helped him feel more comfortable to have a discussion with his parents.

So, consider having a look online and around your town for services you can use. If you can’t find any, send another ask in to me (Emily) with your general location and I will see if any of the various services I am aware of are around your city.

If all else fails, next time you go to the GP, it can be worth mentioning to them how you are feeling and they can often refer you to a therapist and, depending on where you are from, can sometimes also set up a plan that makes therapy sessions cheaper.

I hope that you have someone you feel like you can talk to about your problems with. It sounds like you don’t talk to your friends or your parents? Please know that even if you feel like you can’t talk to anyone, we are here for you and I’m sure that someone (a friend or parent) wants to support you.

Overall, I think that talking to a medical professional is a very good idea and I’m glad that you are seeking help.

In the meantime, take it easy on yourself, you don’t have to be strong for everyone else. Take care of yourself and try to allow yourself to just feel what you feel. Try to talk to someone about how you are feeling. There are plenty of helplines and we counselling services, which you can find on our contents page here and here. I wish you all the best and I hope this helped you.

-Emily

[mental-health-advice]

so I've been disassociating, and it's really more existential, "why am I even here", "you're friends don't care" that kind of thing, and it happens when I'm out with my friends, and it's starting to stress me out like it's not okay. I haven't talked to a counselor yet but I plan to as soon as my uni starts up next week because they offer free counseling sessions, but the only way I can really ground myself is looking at my surroundings, or tell myself that my friends do care. tag as millie

Hi Millie!

I’m very sorry to hear that you have been struggling with disassociating. But, I am very glad that you plan to utilise your University’s free counselling sessions! That is a fantastic idea!

I completely understand feeling like your friends don’t care. It can be difficult to remind ourselves that are friends are there for us when our own inner monologue is saying otherwise. I would suggest talking to one of your friends and telling them how you are feeling. Maybe you can ask them to reassure you from time to time that they do care? You could also challenge that thought with past evidence that they do care. Remind yourself of the times when your friends have listened to your problems or helped you with something they didn’t have to help you with.

When you are disassociating, try this method which has worked for me and will hopefully work for you.

Pick an item around you. This can be anything, a pebble, a scarf or a leaf etc. Look only at the object for a minute. Describe to yourself, in detail, how it looks, smells, feels and sounds. For example, say you picked a pebble. Whilst looking only at the pebble, describe how it is a greyish brown, slightly speckled colour, how it is mostly rounded but with a slight point on one side, how it is smooth and almost reflective, how you can feel tiny grains on the surface of the pebble, how it has a shallow crack over one side with dirt stuck in it and how if you were to let it go, it would make a deep clink sound as it hit the concrete. This will help ground you in the moment and it is also difficult to think of anything else when you are describing something in such detail.

There are some other really helpful grounding techniques on our contents page, here.

I really hope this was helpful! Good luck with the counsellor sessions with your university!

-Emily

[mental-health-advice]

Hello! I'm a 15 year old biologically female. Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of gender dysphoria, and confusion. I'm struggling to know if I'm transgender or genderfluid. I've been thinking I'm transgender, because 99.9% of the time I feel male (or something besides female?), and I'm highly uncomfortable in my body. But, I think I'm also some what genderfluid because that rare 1% I feel female. Whenever I think I feel female, I still feel uncomfortable, and start hating myself. I dont know

Hi love,

Okay!

So what might help you is to think of transgender as a big umbrella term. Genderfluid, bigender, trans male, trans feminine, non-binary - these all fall under that umbrella. I for instance, am both transgender and non-binary.

Transgender people are people who's gender differs from the ones they are assigned at birth. You were assigned female at birth, but are not female - hence, transgender is a word you can use if you want to.

I think both the identifiers of transgender and genderfluid are words you could use if you wanted to. They both seem to fit your description of how you feel about your gender. It's not an either/or thing - you can use both if you want!

I'm wondering if more of your problem is deciding if you're a trans man/trans masculine/completely not female, or genderfluid? And for that I'd say, well, it's up to you. Gender is a tricky thing. Your feelings of being female may be so rare that it's easier for you to identify as completely not female than it is to make the distinction, I don't know. Alternatively, you might really dislike the idea of ignoring the part of yourself that does, occasionally, feel female.

When you feel female, you still feel uncomfortable, and maybe it's worth exploring what about that makes you feel uncomfortable and what you can do to help alleviate that feeling?

Gender dysphoria is a pain in the butt, and we do have some techniques to help deal with that in this post.

You'll get through this. It does start to get less confusing with time. I was 15 when I started questioning my gender and figuring some things out. I went through a few identities to get to where I am now, but it's a lot clearer now. It does take a bit of time and a bit of thinking about, but there's a whole massive community of people going through or who have been through the same thing who are willing to stick with you through it and beyond.

Love and hope,Emily

[mental-health-advice]

I think I may be aromantic and I feel broken.

Hi love,

The first thing I can do is promise you that, whether you’re aromantic or not, you’re not broken.

It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you for not experiencing romantic attraction, or only experiencing a little of it. (Or experiencing it differently in some way!) It doesn’t make you a bad or unlovable person, it doesn’t mean you’re worth any less.

There are so many different forms of love and attraction, and no one form is any more important than another. Your love for your friends, your family, your partners and your loved ones, this is not bad or broken or somehow worth less because it is not romantic.

It’s okay to feel broken, and it’s understandable that you do. We’re raised on the idea of true love, soulmates, and Disney-esque happy ever afters with that special someone. It can take a while to realise that that’s not true or right for everybody, and longer to be comfortable with that.

I’d really advise getting in touch with the aromantic community - through tumblr or other online sites/forums perhaps, or maybe through a local LGBTQIA+ group. Even contact with other LGBTQIA+ people who don’t fit into the ‘normal’ ideas that society has about romance and relationships can help you feel less alone and less broken.

You can be just as happy as an alloromantic person, and have just as meaningful and important relationships. There’s nothing wrong with you for being who you are.

Love and hope,Emily

Note: I very recently replied to another anon from an aromantic person who felt broken. My reply there might also be relevant to you.

[mental-health-advice]

Hii I was wondering if you needed or would accept a co owner?? I'd love to help out :)

Hi love,

You're more than welcome to apply to be an admin! Everything you need to know can be found here. Good luck!

Love and hope,Emily

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, so im a 15 year old female closeted pansexual, and ive been seeing this person who just realized they'd rather be a girl than a boy, and I fully support her and everything. But the thing is, I'm terrified to come out. I feel like I have to now so I don't make her uncomfortable when talking to friends or family. I know both my parents will be fine with it, I don't know if my friends will... but I'm seriously terrified to come out, I'm not ready. Please help me.. -Alex

Hi Alex,

My main advice for you would be to talk to your partner about it. Explain how you feel, and ask her what she would like you to do and what she's comfortable with you doing. From what you've said here, I'm a little unsure of the situation - are you just personally uncomfortable with misgendering her in front of family and friends? Does she want to or is she ready to come out to everyone, and you're not?

It's okay not to be comfortable with coming out. Coming out is freaking terrifying, and I'm not sure you ever feel completely ready for it. But right now might seriously not be your time, and that's okay. Talk it through with your partner, and explain how you feel. Listen to how she feels.

Unfortunately, it may be that she needs to come out - that keeping it to herself is too painful, that dysphoria is too intense, that she wants to begin transitioning and thus would prefer to be out. In this case, it really is up to you, but it might be that you need to - if not to everyone, maybe to a few people, such as your parents. You may however be able to negotiate her being out and you not for a little longer.

I came out when I wasn't ready to come out. It wasn't great for my mental health, and I wouldn't recommend it, but it's not going to be the end of the world either. You will survive it, you will come out the other side.

We do have advice concerning coming out on our gender and sexuality page if that is a route you choose to go down, now or at a later date. Don't push yourself if this seriously isn't something you can do right now. That's okay. You might want to negotiate a time - I gave myself six months, or begin dropping hints rather than outright stating it, so by the time you come out most people have already guessed. With you friends around, call a female actor cute, maybe? That sort of thing is a sort of slower, softer way of coming out which can make it a lot easier if you're feeling terrified of it.

Good luck to the both of you, and I'm so happy that you're supporting each other in this.

Love and hope,Emily