Number 44 for the writing prompt thing?
Okay, so I didn’t expect this to get to this level of…well everything. So here it is!
Lowkey warning: Panic Attack
#44; I’ll Keep You Safe
Everything was moving in slow motion. The sounds of the world were amplified by a thousand and his senses were on fire. He felt his lungs as they filled with cement, and his vision became a dark cloudy day.
Am I dying?
Somehow he pinched himself and the jolt of pain travelled through his nerves to tell his brain that he was, in fact, still alive.No, I’m alive. I can’t..what’s…where’s Ga…Am I dying?He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. Nothing made sense, nothing seemed to work anymore. He felt his body turn numb and his legs turn to jelly.His instincts told him small. He needed to be in a small space. Dark. Quiet. He couldn’t think.The people. They moved as if motion blur had been turned up to 100. That wasn’t normal.I’m dying.His neck hurt. His eyes hurt. Why?He was looking all over the place frantically. He couldn’t feel his feet. Why were his feet gone? Was he floating? Was he going to heaven?Mom will be proud. She’ll be sad I’m dying but happy I’m in heaven.I need help. Why can’t I scream? What is going on?His face felt wet, so he touched it with his cold shaky fingers. He looked at his hand and saw water. Water. Why is there water? Am I crying? I’m crying.He needed to leave but he didn’t know where to go.He felt like he was drowning.The voice in his head repeated everything he could hear around him but screamed it all instead. That wasn’t normal.None of this was normal.What was he doing? What happened? Where was he? He felt like he’d been walking in circles. He needed small. What did that mean? He needed to do something but he didn’t know what. He was dying. That’s the only thing it could be. His heart was in his ears. His breathing was frantic and few. His vision was tunnelled and cloudy, his hearing was…was…“Breathe.”Michael’s eyes snapped open and he found himself face to face with someone. Green eyes. Big nose. Worried eyes. Moppy hair. That smell…“Breathe, Michael. You’re okay.”Michael searched the man’s face and listened to the words being told to him. The guy had his hands on either side of Michael’s head. He was sitting. The guy was crouching.That smell…“Deep breaths, count in your head. Remember? One…Two…Three…come on, love.”Michael watched the guy’s mouth. The hint of red to his lips and the perfect teeth that lined his mouth. He had facial hair. Lots of it. No, not a lot. Yet still enough. He knew him. He knew him.That smell…“Michael, you’re okay. You are here on earth, you’re with me, can you feel me?” The guy grabbed Michael’s hand that was grasping a black and grey beanie with white turned knuckles. The guy managed to loosen his grip and held Michael’s hands between his own. He then lifted one so it was flat against his chest.“Do you feel me? I’m here. You’re here. Can you feel my heart?” The man pressed Michael’s hand harder against his chest and then there was a very faint thumping beneath the clothes and flesh of the man that was crouched before him.That smell…“Love, look at me.” Michael looked at him. What is that smell?“Can you hear me?” Michael nodded. What is that…Cinnamon.“Gavin,” Michael said, although his voice was cracked and his mouth felt like it was filled with sand. Gavin smiled warmly and cupped Michael’s face with his free hand.“There we are, you’re coming back to me.”Michael’s senses flooded his body all at once. His hearing went to normal, his vision had become clear. He felt like he could breathe decently again, and his all-around awareness was settling back in. It was then that he fully realized he was sitting on the floor. A garbage can was to his right and a wall was to his left. They were in a hallway that seemed to have no one in it but them. He could hear the hustle and bustle of people not that far away.“Sorry…” Michael whispers. His eyes closed and he forced the tears to stay at bay because he when he knows what happened. He can’t see it but Gavin’s face falls to a frown and a hint of tears appeared at the corners of his eyes. He shook his head, though, and collected himself before Michael could see.Gavin used a finger to lift up Michael’s chin so he could look at him again.Michael looked up and blinked. Despite his attempt tears had formed and started to fall down his freckled red cheeks. Gavin carefully removed Michael’s glasses and wiped away the tears for him. He said nothing about it knowing it would do neither of them any good. So instead he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Michael’s forehead.“Don’t be sorry, okay? You did nothing wrong.” Gavin said. He adjusted the way he was crouching, the pain in his ankles had started to scream at him to move.“I’m a fucking freak. Don’t even deny it.” Michael snapped. The anger was setting in. It always did, especially in public. It wasn’t his fault or his intention to do so. Gavin deduced it as a coping mechanism a while back. It was a way for Michael to protect himself.“You’re not a freak. I know you don’t believe me. You don’t have to. Just take my word for it. You’re not a freak.” Gavin tried to reassure. Michael said nothing. He was starting to shut down.“Do you trust me?” Gavin asked. Michael didn’t say anything for several beats but eventually nodded.“You had a panic attack, it’s not the first time this has happened. But you’re okay now! I promise you that you’re okay.” Gavin cupped Michael’s face again and brushed his cheek with his thumb.“Where did you go?” Michael asked, his voice cracked again and he felt the tug in his chest. The one that happened every time before tears came.Gavin looked down at his hand that had fallen with Michael’s down into his lap. He looked back up and his expression was apologetic.“I got lost in the crowd. I stopped to check my phone and when I looked up you were gone and the sea of people had swarmed me.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. He had stopped to check his phone and he did lose Michael in the crowd. The part he didn’t share was how he got distracted by an advertisement in a store window.
He’d been looking for the perfect Christmas gift for Michael for weeks and as soon as he saw the ad he knew he had to go for it. The store was offering special orders for rare and vintage video games. He wanted to get all of Michael’s favoured childhood games, and possibly a vintage Nintendo console. He had a plan that would take five minutes tops but when he got in the store he saw that the line was wrapped around a long display of action figures and only growing as time passed. He could have left and returned another day but when he overheard a couple leaving the store he panicked. The man was excited because he had just scored the last order for an old street fighter game. Gavin decided to wait in line. If there were limited quantities for each game then he needed to get the ones on his list as soon as possible. He didn’t think it would take that long, and he thought Michael would be okay.He knew large crowds heightened Michael’s anxiety. It was a new development they had been trying to deal with for several weeks. It had happened quite fast. One day Michael was fine and the next he was in the fetal position in the cereal aisle. Gavin had rushed him to the Emergency Room and the doctors concluded that Michael had experienced a panic attack. Since then Michael had only two other major attacks and a handful of small ones. Gavin had done research on what could help Michael come back from them. He’d tried many but the ones that helped the most were counting slowly to ten, deep breathing, and grounding which included reassurance that they were both there with their feet planted on the earth.Michael wasn’t sure how to process the attacks. He didn’t know what to say to Gavin when he helped him, or what to do after they passed. He hadn’t figured out how to manage them on his own yet, which was reason enough for why his most recent had gotten so out of hand so quickly.Michael looked at Gavin and searched his eyes. He knew there was something else that Gavin wasn’t telling him but he didn’t have the energy to press any further.“I’m sorry.” He said again. Gavin leaned forward and pressed his lips against Michael’s forehead once more and lingered for a second longer than the first time.When he fell back flat on his feet he took both of Michael’s hands in his own and held them both. The warmth of his own bled into Michael’s freezing fingers. Gavin smiled, but his eyes held a seriousness they hadn’t before.“What did I tell you? You have nothing to be sorry for.” Gavin licked his lips and gave a gentle squeeze to Michael’s hands.“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, No matter where you are, no matter where I am…I will always find my way back to you. Because I have and continue to promise to always keep you safe.”Michael bit his lip and nodded. Gavin leaned close so their foreheads brushed against each other.“I love you, Michael. Even if I have to lift you off the floor every once and a while. You’re my boi, and my love.”Michael looked into Gavin’s eyes and licked his lips.“I love you too.” Gavin smiled bright and pressed a kiss to Michael’s nose.“Good, now do you want to get up or sit here for a little longer?” Michael took a moment to think and glanced towards the direction the sound of everyone was coming from.“Maybe sit a little longer.” He said. Gavin said nothing in return, he just swivelled his body so he could sit beside Michael between the wall and the garbage can. He took Michael’s hand in his and entwined their fingers.“It’s kind of homey down here, maybe we should move in.” Gavin joked. Michael smiled and nodded.“If we bust down this wall we could add in a second bedroom.” Gavin Laughed, “Works for me.”
FIN.
