I feel like i’m a horrible person..
I think maybe i’m just really fucked up in the head. it’s been a year since i broke up with my long term boyfriend and found myself to be single. since that time i’ve had a lot of physical experiences with men, emotional epxirnces. i feel like i learned a lot about myself and what i need and want out of a person, at least right now.
it’s been a struggle , especially when i’ve come to a conclusion about what i want out of life and it matches like 1% of human population, apparently. but it’s fine, i really enjoy just being with my friends and it’s funny, ‘hiking up’ hasn’t been a whirlwind of positive experiences but it’s been an adventure
i’m real proud of myself as someone who was agoraphobic and someone who was sexually abused, that having other stories and meeting lots of guys is a thing. i’ve been surprised at the response too, because i’m really not cute or anything. and i know i shouldn't say it, but ideally don't think i am and so it’s shooing how many strangers wanna have a laff.
though i don't want to have a laff with strangers. actually I've found a lot of the time i dont even want sex, i just occasionally get lonely when other parts of my life are stressful and i want a friend i can talk to intimately about that. but i don't want the responsibility of a boyfriend.
and i thought maybe i just wasn't finding the right guys or that most guys i came across are just jerks who took the ‘i don't responsibility part’ as ‘you want lots and lots of sex’ , i just thought because of my enjoyable but lack of emotional experiences that just wasn't ready for emotional commitment, or that iwas shallow or something , i don't know. anyway it didn't matter too much to me
and then i met this fucking guy and we are friends; but we re like really really good friends. and for a while we alllllmost hooked up. and made out. and for the first time in like over a year there was a guy who kissed really fucking well, so there’s that
but beyond that, he changed his mind about that. so we just hung out and talked. we talk a lot so far, online, and every time i met up with him before and after developing feelings, it was a blast.
and last night i decided to give him some space and stop bothering him with messages- which is good for me too. but in that space mannnn
i realise, mannn.. i have such strng fucking feelings for this guy. like the more and more i talk to him the more i develop squishy feelings. i’m not going to reveal it to anyone but it’s safe to say i probably have a crush on him
and it’s like, do have a crush on you because you’re fucking, unattainable? or is it genuine, because you really like me too but are just going through some fucked up stuff?? do you really like me though?or are you just saying that shit?
sometimes i think he’s saying some of the shit he says to be nice, and he’s just an overly- nice man who is trying to give me other reasons to leave- but on the other hand we get on so incredibly well, and i don't think anyone can fake that. and he spontaneously kissed me when he shouldn’tve last week
this dude has a girlfriend who he claimed was fine with open relationship, then wasn’t, now he wants to sort it out first before anything else i appreciate his dead on honesty- i hate how much i connect with him- the guy hasn't ben done anything that special, except for making out really well when we both thoughtall was well.
i hate how much i have a crush on someone, and it has to be someone sooooo not healthy or going through a lot of stuff. is that my brain fucking me over? I guess i cannot help how i feel, either way. it’s there. it’s definateyl there, i really like this dude and there’s nothing i can do about it.
I've kept my distance and i’ve not,played it cool and i haven’t, none of it is working in helping me feel better. i’m being selfish as fuck. idk what to do now i’m gonna meditate the fuck out of myself until i no longer care about this person or my own feelings,
i’m gonna change one thing though, and swear off dating for a while just be very singular and go back to just being me and feeling occasionally lonely.
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