warnings : angsts. lots and lots of angsts. cheating. slow build up.
a/n : Happy 1k followers to me! I’d like to thank everyone for following me, staying for my content and my writings. I need to improve more and I am sorry that I’ve not been active. I am still overwhelmed by the 1k followers and it is now at 1.2k followers (OMG 1.2K WHAT DO YOU GUYS FOLLOW ME FOR). Also since I wasn’t active, I figured a drabble game will have less participation from my audience so I decided to personally dm the 1000th follower and asked them what kind of fic and who does they want to be the main lead. Sooooooo, my 1000th follower @luvgyeom requested for a Yugyeom angst, then Yugyeom angst it is! It is quite long (this is my first time writing this long lmao). Please enjoy all the heartbreak. Thankyou for following me again! xoxo
Heavy steps resonate through the sidewalk, together with everyone else. Everyone is either walking home from work, probably catching up with friends or going for a movie. What they are going to do is absolutely not something Yugyeom actually cares about. However, with the things running through his head now, he’d rather wonder about a stranger’s plan rather than sort things out.
It has been sunny for a while now. The heat is bearable; at least to Yugyeom. Or probably he has lost the ability to feel because he doesn’t think he can function really well right now. He is getting nearer to the familiar street and for the n-th time of the week, he sucks in a breath to gain some strength.
He passes the first grocery and the roasted chestnut smell from the stall hits him immediately, staggering his step. It rings in his head how you would beg him to stop for some chestnut when he was struggling to hold your groceries. Even if he wanted to say no, the pout on your face will melt him completely. He’d give in, watching you skip steps joyfully towards the stall. Living close to the area has made you a regular, the old grandma will give you extra chestnuts because she thought you’re pretty.
Yugyeom thinks you are, too.
“Oh! You’re here!” like on cue, the said old woman calls him, motioning him to come closer. “I thought you had moved away! You stopped coming for weeks now!”. She quickly gathers some freshly roasted chestnuts because that’s how you like your chestnuts. Fresh.
There are reasons why Yugyeom wanted to say no whenever you stopped for chestnuts. Because he doesn’t eat them. He can’t stand the taste. Until you came. You came and suddenly roasted chestnuts became his favourite. No, actually, you’re his favourite.
He loves you. You love chestnuts. He loves chestnuts.
Yugyeom sighs, now he is adding the smell of chestnut to his ‘dislike’ list. Roasted chestnut now makes him dizzy, clouded by the memory of you. He doesn’t even want to meet someone that reminds him of you, which is why he has avoided the route several times.
However, humans have weaknesses and at times Yugyeom feels like malfunctioning without enough dosage of you. Is this what addiction tastes like? It was pure torture, haunted by countless memories which tastes bitter in his mouth but sweet in his mind. It’s like a combination of life, where Yugyeom thought you’re the one he’d spend his life with forever but it turns out you weren’t meant to be his. He was angry at you, he was trying to deny the fact that you too, have weaknesses. But at times like this, he misses you and he just wants you in his arms.
“Yugyeom?” the old grandma calls. He snaps out of his own thoughts, pulling out his wallet to pay. The grandma holds his hand instead, warmness spreads through the touch. She smiles, shaking her head. “Bring this to her. Fights are common, sweetheart. That’s how love works. But you fight for it, you don’t run away. That’s how you save your relationship.”
If it is that simple, he would have ran to your arms long ago. Where it was just a few days; probably a few hours. But it has been far too late, he has broken countless rules made when he dated you. Nonetheless, on days where he found himself in a stranger’s arms, he knew he won’t find the same love that you’ve provided him with.
You’re perfect and he took you for granted. He knew you were loyal so he went around flirting, cheating behind you. He knew you love him; you will never leave him. He knew sooner or later you’ll find out about him but he didn’t care less. He knew you love him too much to break up with him.
But he never knew what strength can do to a woman.
“Don’t you think it’s time to stop pretending?” your voice was low, Yugyeom didn’t think he had ever heard your tone as cold as that. But he played dumb, asking you what’s wrong. “Why do you think I won’t find you sleeping around behind my back?”
Yugyeom met you when he was still someone who sleeps around. He was in a group of friends who don’t do relationships and only commit one when they’re ready to hold responsibilities. He had warned you before that he is, and will be someone who cheats because he simply can’t leave his old habit. But you stayed nonetheless, trying to get him out of his lifestyle.
And it worked. It worked out and it freaked Yugyeom out when he felt that he started changing for you. He never lingered too long whenever he was out with his friend because he was ready to go home to you. He never realised that until Jinyoung pointed it out. He never drank too much after meeting you, even though his alcohol tolerance is high because he knew you don’t like him reek of alcohol when he came home.
He learnt about you and had your personal preference memorized at the back of his hand. He knew all your likes and dislikes that it scared him when he felt the change. It threw him off the momentum and like a gear, he reversed his life to where before he met you. He never thought he’d fall in love with you and he never thought he’d change for you.
He was mad and he was scared.
The day he gave up messing around was the day you broke up with him. Yugyeom decided that the lifestyle doesn’t suit him anymore; that he loves you too much to sleep with other people. He can’t see other women without thinking about you but as life always works, you sniff things out way before he can explain.
When Yugyeom walked out of the shared apartment, he told himself he won’t regret leaving. He knew he wasn’t worth your love, your loyalty and your dedication. He knew, you can end up with someone better, someone who cherishes your love, someone who isn’t him.
“Are you good?” Youngjae nudges him with a can of beer, Yugyeom smiles in return. Never would he have thought that he would hate drinking. He refuses every drink that came his way and everyone started freaking out when they found out that you broke up with him.
“Are you fucking crazy?” Bam, was the first to curse, fist almost meeting his face. Bam, his own best friend. He was utterly disgusted, refusing to listen to Yugyeom’s explanation. “It’s good she left you. You’re fucking ungrateful, cheating on someone as angelic and as patient as her. I am embarrassed to call you my own friend.”
“Yeah, I’m good.” he replies, eyes lingering on his group of friends talking to each other, being ignorant to how the world revolves. Jinyoung told him that love works in a different way and now he wants to scoff, the elder must be proud if he knows that Yugyeom indeed, acknowledge his words now. “Just feeling empty.”
Yugyeom knows, you’re the only person that fits well in his heart. He knows that you’re the missing piece, the one that is supposed to solve the puzzle. He knows it but he can’t tell them, his friends. They won’t understand and Yugyeom doesn’t have the energy to fight again, hearing things he will just get blamed.
Nights are the most difficult of all for Yugyeom. Climbing on his bed is another story, he loathes himself whenever he starts thinking when you were once in his arms. He would snuggle you to sleep, your head on his chest while you hugged him.
Never had he thought break ups would be this torturous. Never had he thought he would be this affected; going through this phase is absolutely the worst. Never had he, Kim Yugyeom, felt this weak for a woman.
Staring at the ceiling of his bedroom, Yugyeom finds himself drawing the digit 8 with his eyes when his phone buzzes on the side table, bringing him to reality. Three in the morning, probably Jaebeom is texting him to pick them all up since he is the only sober one. So he picks the phone up, opening them to read the texts.
‘Hey.. I miss you. Can we talk?’ had Yugyeom in a panic attack, right after that an incoming call buzzes, ringing for five seconds before he picks it up.
Silence is probably the worst torture Yugyeom could feel now. It is devastating, knowing you’re on the other side, probably crying because of his stupid ass.
“Yugyeom..” your voice falters, awakens the guilt in him. “Oh god I’m so sorry. I can’t- I miss you. I’m sorry.”
Yugyeom smiles, hushing you to calm down.
“I’m sorry too.” Yugyeom replies. “I miss you too.”
“I know I don’t have that kind of right to tell you that.”
“But I really really miss you.”
Yugyeom knows, this will probably be the last conversation before you fully move on, leaving him behind. But he also hopes, you will at least, feel his love before totally erasing him out of your life.
Because for once, he needs you to know that only you can fill these empty spaces.
In Yugyeom’s life, he has never felt as empty as he is now. Mainly he was happy, ‘was’ is the keyword because right now, he feels nothing. Your departure brought along his entire emotion since you’re the person who’s in charge of it. You are the person whom he has dedicated all his life for. You’re the reason why he breathes everyday, looking forward to the rest of his day. Waking up to you is one of the views that sparks the light in his heart.
Cheating on you was his fault.
It was and will forever be his fault. Your departure serves as a reminder to him that he is not worthy of your love and will never be worthy of it. When you were right there by his side, he frequently hesitated to show his love towards you. People say it’s because he’s still young but he knows, he was just too egoistic to show his emotion. He never showed you off in public because he was too proud to have someone loyal by his side. He knew you were grateful enough for his affection, those where he showed them to you behind the closed doors.
However he knows, you deserve more than just being a trophy girlfriend. You are brilliant, excellent and everything he should have been bragging about. But he didn’t do it. He didn’t brag about you and he has lost that chance entirely.
From the moment he saw you smiling with your friend in a dimly lit club, his heart clenched and that’s when he realised, he has lost you.
The night where both of you were vulnerable, Yugyeom still remembers every bit of it. You were crying, sobbing in pain as you vent your frustration on him. He could make out the figure of you clutching your chest, tears streaming down your pink cheeks, dropping down to your wet pillow. The image alone hurts him to the core.
“I’m so sorry.” he says into the receiver. Your heart drops at his apology. A part of you wants him to not apologise, that it makes you more vulnerable and will probably run into his arms again. “I’m sorry for cheating behind you. I have no explanation and I deserve you breaking up with me.”
You want to stop him from talking but all you can do is cry, writhing in silent pain. You know Yugyeom loves you. Or so you thought. Years of your relationship has tricked you into a specific mantra that you have been hypnotised with, the assurance that he loves you. Till that day you keep wanting to believe that you are his everything, the only girl he let into his life and hopefully the last.
Leaving Yugyeom was…painful. It has ripped off your lung, knowing the fact the man you’ve been blindly in love with, was sleeping around behind you. Epiphany hit and the excruciating pain left you speechless. The mantra that kept you together broke, shattering with your future that you have pictured with him. The trust was no longer there, you refused to trust him anymore. For what, really? To make you even more miserable? Knowing that you trusted him too much for him to play your heart like some insignificant thing in his life?
So you leave. You love him and you wanted to hear some explanation of how he messed things up. But you needed to leave. You don’t want him to take your love for granted. You wanted to give him a chance but right now, your heart is in pain. You can’t share your man, you just can’t. You can’t accept him for cheating because never in your life, you would accept a cheater.
Love has made you blind and you want to avoid becoming one.
“Maybe it’s not now,” he said. “I’ll court you again in the future. I’ll gain your trust and I’ll make sure I earned it right.”
“I’ll make myself deserve your love.”
Two years and Yugyeom feels like his life is catching up again. He moved on from the break-up almost a year later, where he figured that life is teaching him how to appreciate people. He changed from a young boy to a mature man, finding a permanent job and wearing proper attire. Funny how he almost sees Jinyoung in him. His friends think the same, he starts to look more proper, more presentable. He is no longer the Yugyeom from two years ago. He left everything in the past to be himself now. He wanted a change, a solid reason to become your man again.
Fate, of course, works differently on both of you. While Yugyeom soars up high, you have become more miserable than you can be. Days and nights are a blur to you, save for those times when you’re at work. Two years made you a zombie, clouded by all ‘what ifs’ and ‘whys’. What if you hadn’t left? What if you stayed? What if you give him a chance?
You questioned your every move, of why you never asked him the reason he cheated and of why you chose to run away instead of facing the problem head on.
There is only one reason why.
It’s painful to swallow but you still love him.
A combination of blind and fools, that is what you are. You know this is the hardest pill to swallow, the hardest confession you have yet to make to your friends. Whenever they asked you if you’re interested to start dating again, you pushed them away by saying you’re busy with work. You have seen their side eyes and snickers, you know they knew about the truth.
Kim Yugyeom will always and forever be the only man you’ll set your eyes on.
The first time in two years, your eyes found his. Amidst the crowd, you found him, ash grey and heavy lids. You knew it from the first glance, the way your eyes immediately attracted to that shape of his.You always love those eyes, cheeky and full of enthusiasm.
However that day, you found confident eyes, a little bit tired but still a strong gaze. You know he met yours too because the next second you find his eyes dilated, diverting the contact. A sharp tug in your heart brought you to reality, shaking you from your mindless dream.
Doesn’t he miss you? Doesn’t he suffer the same way as you did? Has he moved on? Has he?
You’re enraged by the thought, a string of curses left your mouth while you walk home in tears. However as you hit the shower, you felt yourself relaxing under the warm rain. Then you realise that you’re relieved to see him. You’re relieved to know he’s alive and healthy without you. It’s a lie if you didn’t feel hurt. A part of you wanted to see him miserable as you are but at the same time you were thankful that he managed to live without you. Between the two of you, you’re the mature one while Yugyeom couldn’t even cook instant noodles with the stove. He is more to hot water instant noodles. So when you find him breathing and alive, you have a tiny jealousy in your heart knowing he is better off without you. You guess this is better, parting ways and not existing in each other’s life.
Unknowingly, you find yourself walking through the same route every other day of the week, looking forward to chances that you could probably meet him, even just a quick glance. On your third day, you realise that this is the old route you used to go shopping with him, the one where you always buy your roasted chestnut.
You went home crying, sobbing into the pillow as it swallowed your tears away.
The next day, you still walk on the same route, stronger than before.
You never stop, holding to that thin rope of hope to meet him again. Each day you walk through the same route at the same time you met him months ago, wishing that he will be there, probably just standing there and quirk a smile.
Just knowing that he acknowledges you is already fine. You just need that.
Yugyeom knows you’re there.
He met your chestnut, tired eyes. You looked like – dare he say – miserable. His stomach churned at the possibilities that you may probably haven’t moved on from him, still trapped in the same heartbreak he caused you two years ago. He saw you first, when you were dragging your feet against the bricked floor not giving any attention to your front. It felt like his eyes were glued to you, your beauty kept him stunned; no really, he just missed you. He felt his heart did a little flip when you swatted your hair away from your face, a gesture whenever you were irritated but still keeping that long hair because Yugyeom loves it. He kept watching you walk until you spotted your favourite roasted chestnut stall, the same old stall. Then your eyes suddenly caught his, making him flustered, flying away from your figure.
For the last two years, Yugyeom kept finding himself in a position where he wanted to have you all to himself, selfishly thinking to end his own suffering. He even went to the extent of calculating a plan to win you over, to kneel and to beg for you.
“You think she’ll take you back?” Yugyeom hated it when Jinyoung questioned his every move. He hated that Jinyoung always sounded right, always taking on your side instead of his. “Why do you think she left you in the first place?”
“Stop trying to bring me down.” he hated when Jinyoung was right.
“You don’t understand!” Jinyoung’s voice thundered, breaking through the silent apartment. “You don’t fucking understand why!”
Jinyoung has no reason to be mad to start with. However Yugyeom’s attempts at winning you over again made him seethed in anger, trying to set the poor boy straight.
“You don’t understand that she didn’t leave because she hated you. She was hurt. You fucking hurt her. You cheated on her and yet you wanted her to accept you back?” Yugyeom ran his eyes from Jinyoung’s, only to land on Bambam’s. That man was no longer his friend the day he revealed how you left him.
“Let’s put it this way, Gyeom-ah.” Apparently Youngjae is the calmer one hence he was with the right mind to put some good words inside Yugyeom’s brain. The other two were still angry, refusing to talk without a string of curse words. “You love one girl. You are crazy about her, you are willing to sacrifice everything for her.”
“Then one day, you came home to know that she’s been cheating behind your back. She had another man behind you, god knows how many men she has been sleeping with.”
“I didn’t sleep with them-”
Jinyoung beat him to it, punctuating each word. “Does she know?”
“Doesn’t it hurt you when the one that holds your trusts, betrays you?” Youngjae sat in front of him, patting his shoulder. “Doesn’t it hurt you?”
From that day he vowed to be better, to stop playing around and to start all over again.
“How could I make her love me again, hyung?” was one of frequent questions that he’s thrown to his friends. “How could I make her fall for me all over again?”
Mark was definitely the most sane of all, scooting closer to calm the broken boy. “Be a man, Yugyeom. Fix yourself. Fix the old you. Man up and explain yourself. Don’t hope for her to accept you back. Explain yourself and let the time decide.”
That was the reason he changed. He has long given up trying to make you fall into his arms again, however he wanted you to know what happened. You deserve an explanation. You deserve to know what happened and what should have happened. Each day the guilt weighed him to no end. At times he felt suffocated, being chased by the old memories, fragments of that day haunted him over and over again.
Yugyeom had never wanted to hug someone so much after he made eye contact with you that day.
He went home to Bambam, crying over the sadness bottling up his lungs. His fear came to reality, seeing you completely lost in the sea of people. He has totally broken you into pieces and he shall be the one putting you up again.
“Why are you avoiding her?” Jaebeom asks, watching Yugyeom lost in his own thought, his eyes staring into space. “What harm would you bring if you meet her?”
It has been known to his group of friends that Yugyeom met you again at the crosswalk and you are waiting for him every day. You hadn’t realised but his friends were there too, each day when you peered to see his shadow at the same spot like last time. His friends saw you whipped your head left and right, then when you can’t see him, your shoulder would slump and you would walk home like how you usually do.
“Go fix her, Gyeom-ah.” Jackson advises. “Things are getting worse for her. You need to be responsible for this. Don’t run from the problem. Face it. You’re a man.”
Yugyeom looks away from the mindless stare, focusing his vision on his hyungs. “What if I fuck up again? What if I made her fall for me and I fuck up again?”
“I never told you to make her fall again.” Jaebeom bent closer, patting the younger man on his head. “Fix her. Then let her decide. Don’t take advantage of her. Fix her. She’s broken. Help her realise that her life isn’t worth being pathetic for you.”
“Ouch.” Jaebeom smiles, rubbing circles on Yugyeom’s shoulder. “I’m proud of how far you have come. You have us but she has no one, Gyeom-ah. Help her fix herself as strong as you are. Then let her decide if you are worth accepting again.”
“Can I have it like usual?” the old grandma smiles, her hand is busy packing you a bag of roasted chestnut and honey coated chestnut. Your inside jumps at the delicious smell of your food, giddy to go home and devour them. Months ago you passed the route for Yugyeom. Today you passed the route for your old chestnut stall.
Securing the package, the old grandma proceeds to hand you the food with the change. While you busy yourself keeping the change, she clears her throat. “You look happy today.”
The statement makes you exclaim a small oh! before giving her a curious look.
Instead of replying, she laughs and starts cleaning her station. “It has been quite long since you stopped buying my chestnuts.”
“I guess the young man and you have parted ways?” she asks.
The question punches your gut, causing your bottle of emotion to shake and start making a mess inside you. It has been known to your circle about your break-up but to a stranger like the old grandma? Of course this hits you hard, knowing that a stranger managed to sniff your relationship like that.
She looks up when you don’t respond, offering a sweet apologetic smile. “I’m sorry if I offended you sweetheart. I saw you happy today, so I thought you’d move on from the young man.”
You didn’t actually blame her, she used to be fond of Yugyeom. Every time you stopped to buy, she would squeal at how nice and handsome Yugyeom is, much to Yugyeom’s liking. You guess that is a common thing to ask, since it has been two years and now you came alone.
“I guess we are not meant together, grandma.” you force a reply out of you, knowing that it probably hurt the old woman if you stayed silent. “We parted ways long ago.”
She hums, watching you dearly. “Do you love him, sweetheart?”
A mere question bursts a thousand emotions, that’s how your tears broke. You nod furiously, unable to contain the sadness anymore. You feel like a useless fool, you have no idea how Yugyeom has so much control in your life that once he’s out of your sight you’ve become this fragile.
She pulls you into her arms, giving you a comforting, motherly-hug. You don’t know if it helps because you feel so small in her arms and you cry your heart out, tired of bottling everything in. You wanted someone to talk to, but your friends won’t understand. They will continue to call you a weak person, someone who still loves a cheater like Yugyeom. You wanted to tell them that you are indeed a fool but you need them to stand back up again.
“Stop crying sweetheart.” she says softly. “I can see you love him so much. Why don’t you fight for your relationship?”
To that you cry even harder, countless ‘what ifs’ hits you again full force. Are you the one to be blamed in this situation? Are you the one who stopped fighting for your relationship? Why would you hold him back if he went around cheating while having you by his side? You are a human too, you can’t share what is yours.
“I don’t know the problem between you two, sweetheart. But what holds you from moving on is because you still have regrets.” she strokes your hair, calming you down. “Talk to him. Vent out your frustration. Let him know that you are not okay with this.”
She wipes away your tears-stained face, giving you an encouraging smile. “Then you can be at ease. You will feel better. You will, sweetheart.”
Words can’t describe how nervous you are, sitting in front of Yugyeom after two years. He looks equally nervous, a different kind of nervous. He looks like he’s afraid that you might break down - which you probably would - and he doesn’t know what to do. So after gulping your saliva for the nth time, you clear your throat, attempting to sort everything out.
If you guys are going to stay silent like this then this meeting won’t ease your mind.
“I’m sorry.” left you gaping, heart drumming at an intense rate. You watch Yugyeom’s Adam Apple bobs, arranging his words. “I am sorry for everything I did to you.”
You can’t say no, because indeed, he was the one to blame. “It wasn’t my intention.” he darts his panic eyes to you, licking his lips to continue, “to cheat. It was never an intention to cheat.”
You inwardly scoff, unbelievably irritated by his explanation. It wasn’t intentional? So like- what, he lost control of himself and suddenly made out with some random woman? It makes no sense and because it doesn’t; your irritation becomes more visible.
“What? You mean ‘oh I lost control of my limbs and suddenly a woman was riding me’? Disgusting.” you spat out words without thinking, your heart aches more than you can ever give him your empathy. You are disgusted with him.
As bad as your words come out, he stays collected; even more surprising to you. He shakes his head, leaning closer to the table that separates both of you. “No, I don’t mean it that way.”
“I never intended to cheat. Not because I got bored of you nor because I feel like cheating. I didn’t-” he doesn’t miss how your eyes narrow at his explanation, still feeling disgusted as he refused to come clean. “I didn’t sleep with anyone.”
“Think what you want to, but I never slept with anyone when and after we dated. I admit I went clubbing and made out with some women,” he grimaces as he remembers the vague image in his head, “But I never bed them.”
“I can’t. You are everywhere and I felt like I was committing a huge sin.”
“Technically, you were.” you can’t help but blurt it out.
“Yes. The worst sin I had ever committed.”
You feel your throat dries, knowing this is the time for you to ask him. This is the time for you to find out the truth. This is where your future lies. His answer will determine how your misery ends. This is where your curiosity will be answered and you feel yourself chickening out from this conversation. What if he breaks your heart again, reminding you how dumb you were, breaking things between you two without listening to him first?
However there is no way you’re running out of this restaurant. You’re here and you need to admit that no matter how dumb you were, you and him were over. A broken glass can’t be put back again so you decide to screw it. Timidly, you hang your head low and manage to let out a small but clear word. “Then..why?”
In return you heard Yugyeom scoffing, laughing to himself and stopped. That’s it. He’s about to make fun of you, saying how you are so clouded with your own conclusion and emotion, how you are always the one that overthinks, that you’re the reason why you break up.
Amidst your inner banter, you tip your head curiously and instantaneously your heart stops at how his face changes. You can see right through him, his pain and his misery. His face holds so much regret that you can almost feel the pain in his heart.
You can see the real Yugyeom, broken and in pain.
“I was stupid, y/n.” he says.
“I was stupid, I was scared. God I was so so stupid.” he repeats again, one after another. “I was scared because I started changing into someone I don’t know.”
“I dated you for just one year and I changed from a free boy to a committed boy. I was committed to our relationship and it scared me how I changed in a split second because of you.” he pauses to inhale a suffocating breath, painfully stabbing him through his lungs. “I was pathetic. I was so scared seeing how dependent I’ve been to you and I feel like you could control me with just a snap of your finger.”
You fall into silence, shaken by his confession.
However, silence was never Yugyeom’s favourite; yours top everything. He was scared to explain because he knows it will look unreasonable and pathetic in your eyes. He knows it is, judging by how ridiculous you’re looking at him now.
“So..you slept around because you were scared of changing?” the tone of your voice changes, exactly as cold as Yugyeom could remember, just the exact tone from the day things fall apart between you.
His head drops again, voice coming out with hesitation. “It sounds ridiculous, yes it does. But you don’t understand how scared I was. I was becoming someone under your control. It was weird because I usually have everything under my control. I wasn’t used to being under someone’s spell and it blinded me to the point where I don’t feel as happy as I was when hanging out with my friend just because you weren’t there.”
“Then I thought that’s probably because I hang out with you too much. I’ve become dependent on you, I thought that was totally ridiculous when Bambam told me that’s because I’m in love with you.”
His shoulder jolts when he lets out a forced laugh. “Me? Capable of loving? Love wasn’t in my dictionary back then, y/n. I was messing around and it threw me off guard when Bam mentioned that. Love? What kind of love would I be able to give you? I was a boy, I have nothing but a simple life. I wasn’t ready for commitment but you made me fall deeper for you.”
“So I messed up. Like how Kim Yugyeom would, I messed up.” for the first time since he spoke, he looked you straight in the eyes. “It took me two weeks to realise that ‘shit, I’m in love with y/n’ and another one week to get my shit together, thinking of how I should break it to you.”
You’ve been listening attentively to his explanation, the gears in your head moved rapidly, overlapping one issue with another.
‘So for one year he didn’t love me?’
‘But he did. Just he didn’t realise.’
‘But he needed three weeks to realise when he’s been with me for one year?’
“What,” you inhale, composing yourself. “happened the day we broke up?”
You found out about him a few days before you broke up. One of your acquaintances kept hinting to you about your relationship. When she got unbearable that you can’t hold it anymore, you confronted her for the issue. To say that you were surprised, you weren’t entirely surprised. You were more disappointed than surprised. You don’t understand why.
“I guess I wasn’t careful. I don’t care for what if someone saw me because like I said, I thought I should take a break from you and back to my life before I met you.”
“Probably she was one of the women I danced with or I kissed-” he grimaces again. “I don’t know. I was ready to come home to you and make up for what I did.”
Silence falls between both of you again, unsure of what to say. It’s too much to absorb; at least to you. You have a lot to ask him but they disappear the moment Yugyeom shows you the whole picture. Now that you heard his explanation, your brain starts working more questions but unrelated to previous questions.
What now? What do you do? You heard his confession, you resolved your frustration. It turns out Yugyeom was a big idiot and it costs your relationship to make him realise that life isn’t all simple.
Your eyes dart to the man before you, hesitating to ask the real question. You know how much he broke you. You weren’t ready to hear that he moved on, but you wanted to know if you were to make a stupid move, you need to know what he feels about you.
“Do you…” you trail off, unsure how to put it. Yugyeom’s attention perks at your halt, watching you slowly shifting into panic mode. “Have you ever once..”
“Love me?” you feel small, you feel rejected. You always feel that when you’re with Yugyeom, you know how insecure you were when it comes to him. His view meant a lot to you and you guess after years, you haven’t changed. You still seek for his validation and that’s when you realise you have very little self-confidence.
Instead of scoffing like how you thought, Yugyeom offers a sweet smile, his eyes however, don’t shine as sweet as his smile. “I do, y/n.”
“I never stopped loving you, if that’s what you were wondering.”
He stops at that, making you wonder what’s wrong. He never stopped loving you. So? No continuation?
He laughs, leaning back to sip his chocolate drink. “I can hear your thoughts, y/n. I know you’re overthinking and you are irritated.”
“I never stopped loving you. But I don’t know if I’m worth your love again.”
“I have done a lot of damage to you, one of which is destroying your future without properly explaining what happened. I saw your shoulder slumped and I never saw that smile again.”
He grins, however it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I think I shall no longer exist in your life, y/n.”
You almost wanted to argue but he stops you with his next sentence. “I don’t want me to influence your life. You’re beautiful, y/n. You’re beautiful and you’re a confident woman once upon a time ago. That’s why I was attracted to you before. However dating me changed you into an insecure woman; I am sorry about that.”
“I don’t want you to consider accepting me again because you love me. No, I don’t want you to do that. I need you to remember that this man has broken you once and probably will break you again in the future. I want you to build yourself again, no not for me but for you. For your own sake. I know you always seek my validation which I enjoyed when we dated but I realised it has degraded your worth.”
Sincerity keeps pouring out of him and you feel your eyes become teary, then the next second you feel them running down your cheeks. “You are worth much more than my validation. You don’t need my validation nor me. You need yourself, you need to love yourself for you to be able to build yourself stronger.”
“Please don’t cry,” Yugyeom’s hand moves to hold yours, only to retreat back to his side. “I love you, y/n. Please remember that. But I can’t let myself stop you from finding yourself back. I don’t want you to be my slave because you love me. You need to build yourself again. I don’t want to be a distraction to you.”
“But I want you back in my life.” you choke on a sob, excruciating pain shoots through you. Yes you’re being dumb because he is right, you need to find yourself. You lost yourself right when you dated Yugyeom so you do need to rebuild yourself. However, losing Yugyeom for the second time, you don’t know if you’re ready for that.
For once he reached over to hold your hand in his, covering your tiny fist with his huge palm. “One day, y/n. If fate wants us to stay together, we’ll stay together. I’ll make myself worthy of your love again.”
“Just not now, sweetheart.” your eyes shut tight, releasing more and more tears. He’s right. He’s right and you hate how right he sounds. “I’ll wait patiently for you. I’ll wait for you to mend yourself, I’ll wait for you to accept me back.”
“But when?” you’re not going to give up. You want assurance, you want to know that Yugyeom will be there when you succeed in finding yourself.
“Soon, sweetheart. When you are ready, when your heart is ready. When fate is ready, I’ll be there to prove my worth.”
Soon, is an indefinite promise. Soon changes from weeks to months, months to years.
You stopped counting days after the sixth month, seeing you gained no difference in yourself, only looking forward to running into Yugyeom’s arms back again. You lied to yourself, saying you’ll find yourself when you’re with him. For months, you lied, desperately holding to that promise Yugyeom did during your last meeting. You assured yourself that you’ll change and he’ll come back sooner than you think.
On one random day, the string inside you snapped and suddenly everything hit you that Yugyeom was saying goodbye to you, he was ready to leave you. You cried for hours, angry and mad at how he played you. He coaxed you into believing that he’ll take you back when you change but deep down he knew that you won’t change. He knew that you will stubbornly lie to yourself because that’s how you did two years back. That’s how you lived after he walked out of your life, lying to yourself since that’s what you know the best.
Eight months and you saw a pattern changed in your lifestyle. You started sleeping early, giving your body enough sleep for the day. You started eating breakfast, something you’ve considered a few times but you always wake up late and rush to work. You started going out for a walk in the evening, tired of being trapped in the same apartment.
Walking alone was so cold, so boring and reminded you of old times. On impulse you detoured to a shelter one day, adopting a dog.
She is a small golden retriever, around 3 months old, active and very clingy. Adopting her helps you relax, focusing every single problem only on her, no other things. She, after weeks living with you, is finally called Chestnut. You laugh at yourself after you named her, so much for the originality.
Living with Chessy is everything you’ve needed. She helps you discipline, soon you fall into a routine that you yourself didn’t realise. Chessy is easy to take care, though quite fussy and picky with people. She doesn’t particularly like strangers and only warming up to people she’s chosen to warm up to, which is now, only three people. You, your mom and your dad. You never take it as a problem since you don’t really associate with other people anyways. Chessy’s behaviour also helps you at times where you want your co-workers out of your sight, she will bark at them immediately to chase them away.
Chessy becomes a part of you, someone who makes you look forward to coming home.
Soon has turned into three years, you changed into a more independent woman, leaving your old self behind. In the span of three years, you resigned, leaving your toxic coworkers and friends to a new workplace. You enjoy yourself, surrounded with a new and positive environment. Your current boss is everything you wanted, keep giving his employees chances to grow and soar high.
You, driven by the new environment, escalated your self esteem pretty quick, making you braver and stronger day by day. Your colleagues help in building your confidence, always there to guide you to be better. In short, you feel your life falling into the right places.
Perhaps this was what Yugyeom said.
Finding yourself is the best thing you’d ever achieve in your life. You never feel so happy than right now, where you feel that you can breathe easily without something weighing you down. Perhaps this was what Yugyeom wanted you to feel, before finding him again. This new version of you is unbreakable, built with much self-love and respect.
This version of you indeed, feels alive.
Fifth year and you’re living as a completely new person, someone easy-going and social. You’re still you, but a better version. Your fashion changes, your lifestyle changes and your mindset changes. You believe that everything happens for a reason, that you probably know what it is sooner or later. You believe that every decision and every step you take, you must be held accountable. You should not regret and dwell on that decision if it turns out wrong, but you’ll improve yourself to be better. And that includes making a wise decision.
You never have to ask for someone’s validation anymore. Your work, your decision, your mind. What you plan is what you’ll do. You’ve changed your working style and you have to admit, it is easier right now. You’re confident and always ready, it lessens the stress in you.
You never thought you’d arrive at this point.
After years being mad at him for standing you up, you finally agree that what he did was right.
It will be impossible for you to be at this point if he’s by your side, clouding your every decision. You’ll fall into the same routine again, you will never get to build yourself and act as your own person.
Sky decides that it’s a perfect time to cry and here you are, sitting with Chessy in your lap, nuzzling into your warmth. Your new apartment gives you a window with a ledge, a perfect place for you when you need your thoughts to run wild. You always use it to your fullest, especially on rainy days where you stay indoor, enjoying the warmth of your apartment.
Running your hand through her fur, you wonder.
‘Where are you at, Yugyeom-ah?’
The smell of coffee has always made you calm. You don’t know why but there are two smells that calm you. Coffee and Yugyeom. You smile, shaking your thoughts away as the cashier hands you your change. Your attention shifts to Chessy, who’s waiting outside of the coffee shop since she can’t come in. You’re on your usual evening walk with Chessy, a routine you won’t miss whenever weekend comes. Chessy enjoys a walk and so do you.
When your buzzer vibrates, you quickly get your coffee and that’s when your attention falls again on Chessy, sniffing a stranger’s hand outside the shop. Your heart thumps at the possibility that the person would kidnap Chessy; not that it would be possible since Chessy can bark really loud but you can’t be so sure, so you quicken your step outside, only to see Chessy shaking hands with a man in a checkered shirt.
“Chessy!” instantaneously, you exclaim, wondering how weird Chessy is, being kind to strangers.
Both your dog and the man jolt in surprise, you realise how he stiffens after you call out Chessy’s name. His outline seems familiar, a rush of cold air passes and you’re stunned at how easily your mind can recognise him.
The broad shoulders, the baseball cap, the checkered shirt, the worn-out jeans.
“Chessy.” he repeats, cooing and patting your dog. “A sweet name for a cute dog like you, right sweetheart?”
“Your mom must be good at picking names.” he smiles, standing up from Chessy to face you.
“Yugyeom.” Just like that, memories from five years ago hit you, playing scenes after scenes in your head.
“Y/n.” he breathes out your name and your heart skips a beat, knowing how much you miss him. “I’m sorry. I don’t know she’s your dog. She’s so cute, obediently waiting outside the shop so I wanted to greet her.”
He grins at Chessy, who’s now by your side, wagging her tail happily.
You’re still stunned but you shall not show that you are, so you swallow your overwhelmness to respond.
“It’s okay. She likes you.”
His face lightens up, darting his eyes to Chessy. “Really? You like me?”
His whole behaviour screams your old Yugyeom but deep down you know, he’s not yours. You are still overwhelmed to meet him but as he said, fate will decide on it. You don’t search for him and you think he doesn’t search for you too. You think that’s just how fate wants you to meet. You have a lot to ask him.
How have you been? Did you do well? Do you know that I moved? Did you know that I changed my workplace? Have you been healthy?
All that stuff. You just want to catch a conversation, to be updated about him.
Your cheeks lift up, stretching a smile on your face. However it lasts shortly before you remember that he’s not supposed to touch Chessy.
“Wait. You shook hands with her just now?”
“You’re not supposed to!” you fuss, panicking. “You have allergies, remember? Oh my god why would you touch her?”
At that Yugyeom laughs. He laughs and your entire body stops functioning. It’s been too long since you heard him laughing and you want to capture his laugh in your mind in case fate decides that you shall no longer cross path after this.
“Why are you laughing?” you’re breathless but you are still worried. Why would he laugh? This is a serious situation. Yugyeom’s allergies hit quite hard before and he could be bedridden if he didn’t take his meds quickly.
“I’m okay with her fur. I am allergic but only to a certain type of fur.” he bends down to pat her again, before giving you an apologetic smile. “I need to go.”
“Oh.” you don’t intend your gasp to be that obvious but probably you wanted him to stay longer. It’s too short for five years. “I’m sorry for taking your time.”
He smiles and shakes his head. “No, y/n. I’m glad I met you.”
“Perhaps we can catch up again.”
He starts walking backward, eyes promising another meeting. “Like how today happens.”
Funny how five years you’ve been in the neighbourhood, you had never once met Yugyeom, coincidentally or accidentally. Probably you’ve been busy with work, with the newest project that kept you at work even on weekends. However since it was submitted last week, you have some free time to yourself and are able to take a walk during the weekend.
And then you met Yugyeom again the next two weeks.
He was out for a jog and you were on your routine, bringing Chessy for a walk. Days passed and you felt your schedules synchronised, every time you’re out for a walk, he’s out for a jog too. It feels too real to be true that you start making all sorts of assumptions in your head.
“I think you’re stalking me.” was the first thing you said to Yugyeom after you met him for the fourth time. “It’s impossible that I met you every time I am out with Chessy!”
He laughed as you kept accusing him for stalking you, before replying “Maybe I’m just interested in Chessy. Right, sweetheart?”
Chessy barked happily, siding with Yugyeom even more.
Fourth becomes fifth, and fifth becomes tenth.
You decided that you don’t have an issue with your schedules synchronised so you start adjusting to the change, to the extent of having coffee with him after your walk.
“I think it’s just useless if I were to have chocolate every time after I went for a jog.” Yugyeom sips on his drink, almost spluttering his chocolate drink when he meets your judging eyes. He cracks up as you try not to stab him with your straw.
“Is it my fault then? I never forced you to drink with me!”
“You did.” he points out. “You asked me ‘do you want to have some drink?’”
“I asked if you want to, not that you are obligated too.” you roll your eyes, sipping your own coffee. “Chessy, your admirer is so annoying.”
Yugyeom chuckles, setting down his drink on the table. “You don’t force me. I just want to.”
That statement skips your heart a beat, however you did not press on it. You let it flow, savoring your friendship. You decide that it is the best if you stay as friends first, there is no need to get into a relationship where both of you might screw up again. You need to build a strong foundation first, before taking the responsibility.
Your weekend meetings continue, both of you start updating on your life. You with your work and Yugyeom about the guys and his life. It becomes a routine between you two, now you are sure that your schedules aren’t synchronised, it is more to you actually serving an empty slot just for him.
After months, you meet his friend circle again, just him inviting you to their gathering. You never thought that you’ll miss them; well you don’t have time to think about them before. You never thought you’d feel complete when you saw Jaebeom and Bambam bicker or Jackson and Jinyoung dissing each other. You just feel like a misplaced puzzle inside you finally fits, finally relocates and completes.
“What are you thinking?” Yugyeom asks as he walks you home from the gathering. You choose to walk rather than drive, just in case they decide to drink so you’ll take a cab home. But Yugyeom offers to walk with you, Bambam taking his car home instead.
He stops in his tracks, watching you still walking forward. You know that he’s afraid of mentioning it first. You saw his curious eyes and you can’t blame him for not bringing this up. He still fears that he’ll make the same mistake and will break you again.
So you turn around, smiling as bright as you can, determined to make him see that you are ready.
“Are you sure, y/n?” he licks his lip nervously. “I can wait. I don’t want you to feel burdened. If you don’t want me then I’m good with it.”
“Yugyeom.” you reach to hold his hands, gripping it tight. “I am sure with my decision.”
“I’ve thought of it over and over again and if I want someone else I should already have them now. But I don’t want someone else. I want you.”
“But what if,” his voice falters, fear starts clouding his mind. “What if I hurt you again? What if I make a mistake again?”
His voice comes out like a squeak, like he’s too vulnerable and scared.
“Gyeom-ah.” you call him, still caressing his hand. “We can make this right. We’ll talk about what is working and what’s not. We need to be honest to each other.”
“We’ll be rational and sort things out. We will, Yugyeom. We will.”
You nod, etching a smile. “We will.”
Winter has never been warmer than that night. Yugyeom finds you in his arms again, stronger and unbreakable. He’s relieved, though worried what the future has for both of you.
For now he’ll focus on you, the one that fills his empty space.
Copyright © 2020 jinyoungmoans. All rights reserved
