#mind mush

[pinof]

dan...pretty...

[akintoterrifyingactsofchivarly]

Does anyone ever just get ridiculously stupid around cute girls and you just seem to forget basic things?

[solitary-cutie]

When I purchased premium Telegram (xoxo to CIS countries), I got the opportunity to put emoji statuses next to my name. Without too much thought, I put the face of Lucifer from the painting "The Fallen Angel" by Alexandre Cabanel. Wallpaper on my phone, by the way, also has an image of Lucifer, only by a different artist - Roberto Ferri. I've always been drawn to this dramatic character, even in «Paradise Lost» I was saddened to face a cunning serpent instead of a crippled former angel.

I always wanted to be an educator writer that is to bring people new knowledge. To be a guiding star for them, to help them realize that they are not lost, that they are not alone, that there is always a way out. And what was my surprise when I started studying occultism I learned that the name Lucifer means "Bringer of Light". If you peel away the top layer of beautiful tinsel of allegories, you could see the parallel with the shining beacon of knowledge. Lucifer patronizes science. He is the luminous lamp of knowledge.

What was my surprise when today, feeling as if the last honor of something alive was being ripped out of me - my allegorical wings, thanks to which reality seemed less torturous - I abruptly realized why I was so frighteningly drawn to this character. Only when my Eden in my soul was trampled by the last man behaving as sweetly righteous as the angels represented in "Hazbin Hotel" did I realize that this was my destiny too. This is the destiny of anyone who seeks to break the rules rather than follow them. It is their destiny to carry the light that will eventually burn them, starting with the palms of their hands with which they labor for a purpose. And it's so hard and frustrating.

I realize that life is a series of trials, consisting of rise and fall, of losing wings and regrowing them. However, it is worth remembering that Lucifer is the master of Hell, who kept his spark and carries it to this day, despite outside attempts to extinguish his fire.

[sombody-toucha-ma-spaget]

ah yes the simple english word ocean

starts with an O, ends with an E and the second letter is also an E

[jeanbean16]

Y'all ever get too tired to sleep?

[legit-min-yoongi-trash-tho]

it occurs to me that i have weird requests of people and odd expectations... yet i never really ask ppl the things i want to...like, do you like the morning or night, how do you feel about pigeons, do you believe that everything has emotions and feelings - even furniture, birds, and grass - , do you stay up late or go to bed early, how many cashews is too many cashews, animals or people, do you see colours how i see colours, do you hear music the way i hear music, whats your favourite wood, how do you feel about existence itself, when confronted do you scream, run away, or fight, would you stay up all night with me simply because i dont always like being alone, would you go anywhere with me if i called it an adventure, because that works on me, would you come over to mine at 3 am just because i need to sit with someone, not always talk, but just sit, when you touch someone do you think about the fact that under your fingertips is blood and flesh and tendons and a person and how weird that is, do you ever think about how weird sex is, would you sit and watch the sun rise and set with me because ive always wanted to do that, would you prefer a soulmate in a romantic partner or in a friend, would you watch the stars with me because i wanna do that to, like - these are things i need to know....there are more too but like... ¿ ¿ ¿ .... i see these as essential things i need to know about friends, crushes, ppl id be in a relationship with...ya know...like...idk man...i forget where i was going with this

[infused-muse]

Sorting Things Out

From here to there and back again, finding myself is beginning to look awfully similar to losing myself. However, I am being cautious to not let myself get hooked by such ridiculous thoughts of failure or fiery self-doubt. There is no way I could be going backwards with all that I know now.

So many dark and gloomy thoughts or reminders have made a little resting spot in my mind-mush but I know I just have to take them for they are and not let them manifest into anymore detrimental patterns. I’m terrified to add up the amount of time I’ve spent in physio, massage and the doctors in the past 8 months… Not to mention regular therapy and the possibility of joining chronic pain support groups. On top of that and how much valuable work time I’ve lost, I can’t help think of all the time I could have spent dancing or at the gym if it weren’t for the fucking pain and discomfort I’m in every day. It feels like there is a big trade off with everything I try to do to take care of myself and even now that I’ve begun swimming my skin has started breaking out and drying up like crazy.

The last little while I have been struggling with the realization that I have been investing a lot of mental energy trying to keep someone on a pedestal and maintain respect and find comfort in them in attempt to not feel like I wasted my time or heart on something that may not have ever meant much of anything when all is said and done. I know that this was coming from a place of me that wanted to take the high road but I cannot deny that I use this as a way to go without accepting loss. I’m honestly rattled by the way things are playing out and I am so far on the outside that I don’t even know if its worth confronting this hurt.

Work and business have been causing that all too familiar whirlwind inside of me to flare up as I become critical of my own abilities to keep my head above water. Just the fact that I took an entire day off with friends without touching work stuff had me in a full panic once I finally came back to it because I couldn’t figure out where to start again. All of that being said, I just had an extremely magical night and if it wasn’t for the amount of pain I had to take as a trade off for it I would call it perfection. But these kinds of cathartic experiences deserve their own post really - in my little interweb journal something like tonight’s experiences shouldn’t get muddled together with all of this negativity. 

[infused-muse]

Got sum weird feels all up in my head n shit