I'm driving back at 1:47 AM, just trying to get home. It feels like I've been on this road for an hour - but that can't be right. I JUST left my destination. 2 minutes haven't even gone by. I swear for a moment I am lost, looking around at all the houses and signs and the trash cans. Nothing looks familiar. Which doesn't make sense because I have been down this road hundreds of times and at least 3 times today - I even recall these times to steady my nerves. I drove up once to get to work, then from work to the old house to get some boxes, then to my parents house to drop those off, and back to the old house for the last few.
Every time I have been on this road today, the trip was short. Why does it feel like I've been on the road so long? I even had several hours in between each drive so I can't just be mentally putting them together and forgetting the middle bits. I feel like I just fell into my body. Where have I been the last few hours?
It's 1:49 AM when I realize I am driving past one of my usual stop lights and a usual park. Where have I been? Did I slip into a false reality or is my brain just panicking again? I've been seeing shadows for days and have felt extra aware of the space around me. It feels awful to have someone hear this and joke "what, you think you're slipping into madness? Get real." It fees worse to worry if they're not joking.
A few nights ago, I couldn't sleep. I had walked into the kitchen, and it felt like I had just blinked when I filled a glass of water. But then the sink spilled forth all over my hand. I had missed the cup. I couldn't process how - that's not something I do. I always park inside the lines; I always remember to close water bottle lids tight; I always turn pills to the labels face outward - even the diet pills I used to buy. How could I just missalign a cup with a stream of water?
As I park the car, I stare at the steering wheel for a minute, trying to recollect myself. It has to be my overactive imagination. Like the shadow thats been following me lately. Like the staring into space as stories both new and old suddenly harness my full attention. Like how my tenitous (I guess that's what it is, my ears ring all the time) was acting up all day and I had to keep asking customers to repeat themselves, even when I turned off the radio and tried to read their lips, but felt so nervous I forgot to listen when they spoke. Like how all it takes to make my body ache is to remember what all I did today. I have to get my brain under control or my reality will burst into flames.
Or perhaps realities ebb away more slowly - like ink that ages in journals after they're buried or washed away. I still don't know what happened on that last drive, but I lost time somewhere. I do not know where I went or for how long, but I was gone for a while.
I'd love to give you, reader, a neat little conclusion and explanation, but I'm not sure I have one I like. I don't think I've lost it yet, I hope I won't, but something is different in my minds right now. I feel like a needle that keeps skipping on a vinyl someone knows by heart. I feel like an error in a code that hasn't been debugged yet. I hope I'm more than that, but I'm the grand scheme of things, I guess it doesn't matter to destiny if her pawns notice what moves them.
