Apr 23, 2016
Im not allowed to say "I'm sorry" anymore because apparently that's very common among abuse victims, so I'm walking around saying "I'm apologetic!" constantly. Moral of the story: work around things, you can get it done.
seen from United States
seen from Angola
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Türkiye
seen from Yemen
seen from France
seen from Türkiye
seen from Brazil
seen from Italy
Im not allowed to say "I'm sorry" anymore because apparently that's very common among abuse victims, so I'm walking around saying "I'm apologetic!" constantly. Moral of the story: work around things, you can get it done.
Just another day...
Today I was really distressed at an appt. We were standing with my case manager, I was about to have an injection I find difficult mentally. Mum said, it's okay we'll go for a walk afterwards, which calms me. I reminded her about my sore ankle. So she changed it to, it's okay, I'll take you to the cemetery. My case manager bursts out laughing. It sounded really suss, it's true. But we went to the cemetery. And I calmed down. (We didn't find the grave we were looking for though.)
Falling apart at the seams and none of my doctors know needlework.
Rant, medications.
medications suck. I need them but I’m thinking of stopping them because of the horrible side effects.The side effects make me want to do things I know I shouldn’t be thinking about. I’ve gained so much weight, when I eat healthy, when i do eat. And when I do eat my suicidal feelings get so much fucking worse I don’t know how I manage to get through each day.
And I’ve got a friend who really needs me atm so i really need to be ready to be there for him but seriously I just can’t get myself together...
Sitting in my room basically just feeling sorry for myself and the way my life has chosen to go at the moment, when my bff rings with the worst news I can imagine. It could drag me down further and make me totally relapse. But no, it’s going to make me STRONGER because if I want to do anything at the moment, I want to be there for him. For them. For everyone but me.
Doing something for me doesn’t interest me right now. But doing something for those I love, those I adore, that’s a totally different story.
Yeah, everyone’s drinking because they just finished work for the week, I’m drinking because I just survived a bad dissociation and paranoia episode. (Thank you Lorazepam and Calvin.)
fuck you ptsd.
i can’t do this anymore. I have so many plans but they look further and further away. I try to socialize and I just can’t handle it sometimes. “What do you do?” is a loaded question because I answer honestly “nothing right now” (except dominatrix on the weekends for extra cash- LOL @ my bestie Mike) but am thinking “spend all day trying not to cry, self harm or worse, spend all my energy getting up the strength to eat and drink, spend alot of time weighing up whether i should take my meds and deal with the side effects, or not take them and fall into my illness so i become numb, just slowly rot from the inside out.” But yeah, “nothing right now” is my answer, and I’ve got to think that adding RIGHT NOW means something, it means if I have a future it will be filled with all the wonderful things I want to do and I can change my answer to “well, actually”. But at the moment, fuck you ptsd.
I’m sorry for the rant but I haven’t been to neurofeedback in a little while and I think I’m really feeling it, I think this little time without it proves that it’s doing something, that it’s worth the money and the time and the tiredness and the gunk in my hair.
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear." Mark Twain In stressful situations when our life is at threat we have a very powerful mechanism of protection. It is an automated system within our brain that acts even before we are able to take conscious actions. This system has protected…
Goal setting, mental rehearsal (vizualization), positive self talk, arousal control.
Rustam’s latest words of wisdom from today come from the four steps in this article. Trying to remember them more often on my own. And I’ve got to breathe. I’ve got to practice breathing... which sounds stupid but doing it properly really makes a difference, a big difference, on your physiology and when you can see it happening, it’s pretty amazing.
Turns out there may be a medical reason for the hell that has been the last couple of weeks. I’m hoping there is, and we can treat it, and things will get better! There has been a general feeling of relief since I found out yesterday when my bloods came back.
This time next week I will be down the coast with my family for my brothers graduation. So looking forward to it. While I’m comparing things, Rustam and I were thinking about this time last year, and the difference between then and now, and what a change neurofeedback has given to my life already. Sure, there’s still alot of meds and stuff that we’re going to change... but we’ve come SO FAR since we’ve started. My brain had alot of slow activity when we first presented, due to all the ECT and meds and the fog that those things caused that I walked around in for years. Now it’s a bit too fast, we’ve worked on things so much. But we’re going to try a new protocol and slow things down abit. It’s really pretty damn awesome though. I’ve just got to let things happen and not think about them too much, find the equanimity in the moment and get out of this little slump.