#misc;neurofeedback

[involuntarytreatment]

fuck you ptsd. 

i can’t do this anymore. I have so many plans but they look further and further away. I try to socialize and I just can’t handle it sometimes. “What do you do?” is a loaded question because I answer honestly “nothing right now” (except dominatrix on the weekends for extra cash- LOL @ my bestie Mike) but am thinking “spend all day trying not to cry, self harm or worse, spend all my energy getting up the strength to eat and drink, spend alot of time weighing up whether i should take my meds and deal with the side effects, or not take them and fall into my illness so i become numb, just slowly rot from the inside out.” But yeah, “nothing right now” is my answer, and I’ve got to think that adding RIGHT NOW means something, it means if I have a future it will be filled with all the wonderful things I want to do and I can change my answer to “well, actually”. But at the moment, fuck you ptsd.

I’m sorry for the rant but I haven’t been to neurofeedback in a little while and I think I’m really feeling it, I think this little time without it proves that it’s doing something, that it’s worth the money and the time and the tiredness and the gunk in my hair.

[involuntarytreatment]

So I've been meaning to update for two days but anyway. I was at tweed on Tuesday (04/08/15) and was looking at the screen and it said first session 04/02/15 which means it's my six month anniversary! I've been doing this for six months and it's changed my life. Amazing. Before the appt with my doctor Rustam for the actual neurofeedback I had an appt with the psychologist that runs the centre and my mum and we did some evaluations and talked about me doing cogmed and talked about my progress and I cried and cried for no reason but Rustam helped with my emotions in our session. Some inter hemispheric training seems to be good for me. We watched the doco "Happy" during treatment and it was pretty interesting and it mentioned karoshi which I find sort of terribly interesting so I've been looking that up. 

After everything at Tweed we drove to the city for an appointment with my psychiatrist which was pretty good, I told her about my four day solo trip into the city (which I could write about forever, it was AMAZING) and she hasn't seen me this well in awhile. (I still struggle everyday- some more than others- but I am learning to deal with things better.) She is going to come down to tweed one day and see what goes on. She's the one that found the centre for me so I'm so grateful. 

Anyway the last couple of days I've done nothing but rest and visit dad in hospital, today we got to bring him home. He's still not well but he's HOME. I love it. Tomorrow I think I'm going to go into the city. Just by myself. Go for a walk. See a movie. IDK.

[involuntarytreatment]

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear." Mark Twain In stressful situations when our life is at threat we have a very powerful mechanism of protection. It is an automated system within our brain that acts even before we are able to take conscious actions. This system has protected…

Goal setting, mental rehearsal (vizualization), positive self talk, arousal control.

Rustam’s latest words of wisdom from today come from the four steps in this article. Trying to remember them more often on my own. And I’ve got to breathe. I’ve got to practice breathing... which sounds stupid but doing it properly really makes a difference, a big difference, on your physiology and when you can see it happening, it’s pretty amazing.

Turns out there may be a medical reason for the hell that has been the last couple of weeks. I’m hoping there is, and we can treat it, and things will get better! There has been a general feeling of relief since I found out yesterday when my bloods came back.

This time next week I will be down the coast with my family for my brothers graduation. So looking forward to it. While I’m comparing things, Rustam and I were thinking about this time last year, and the difference between then and now, and what a change neurofeedback has given to my life already. Sure, there’s still alot of meds and stuff that we’re going to change... but we’ve come SO FAR since we’ve started. My brain had alot of slow activity when we first presented, due to all the ECT and meds and the fog that those things caused that I walked around in for years. Now it’s a bit too fast, we’ve worked on things so much. But we’re going to try a new protocol and slow things down abit. It’s really pretty damn awesome though. I’ve just got to let things happen and not think about them too much, find the equanimity in the moment and get out of this little slump.

[involuntarytreatment]

The result is that we reexperience the trauma that caused the pain and this trauma is continuously reinforced by it. The terror demoralizes us, and as pain-processing areas expand in the brain, we lose our full ability to problem-solve, regulate emotions, resolve conflicts, relate to others, distinguish other sensations from pain, effectively plan, and even remember how to apply our past experience to control pain. Every time the pain worsens, it feels like it is here to stay, and we must avoid it at all costs. The amygdala is not a place of moderation. It is a place of extreme emotions, fight-and-flight and post-traumatic stress disorder. Persistent pain demoralizes most people who have it.

Norman Doidge MD in “The Brain's Way of Healing: REMARKABLE DISCOVERIES and RECOVERIES from the FRONTIERS of NEUROPLASTICITY.”

[involuntarytreatment]

TODAY IS GOING TO BE THE START OF A GOOD WEEK. I demand it. I need it.

This morning I started back with my doctor at Tweed with the neuroplasticity. It was hard, I couldn’t get my psysiology to change until right at the end when he had to stop and walk me through how to breathe and that sucked but it got a result and even though it’s not up to usual standards it was a result. So we were okay. I got into the car crying, but took some meds and got on top of things.

Tomorrow we see my case manager. I’m not looking forward to it. I have to say yes, I’m eating and drinking (even though it’s killing me) and yes, I’ve been safe. And I have to have bloods done and get some scripts I need. Because I haven’t really been sleeping, and I’ve been skimping on my PRN because we’re running out. So that will be good at least.

Tonight’s to-do list: ring the sit down for tickets to thursday. Taking my mum. Really looking forward to it.

I woke up yesterday really physically sick so had to bail on the powerhouse and Darling James. But there is next time, so I’m not giving myself too hard a time over it.

Well my coffee is getting cold, so. 

[involuntarytreatment]

One of my doctors is big on meditation and is constantly mentioning equanimity. It’s become natural for me to think of it multiple times a day and it’s really grounding. This is a good article on the whole concept.