My current life situation
Had a good grip on my life. Did an internship at a hospital and planned to start my apprenticeship as a geriatric nurse this autumn. Finished trauma therapy in March. Stopped abusing substances. Moved forward with my transition. Established a stable social environment with friends who support me (and who are mostly like 30 years older than me because I tend to get along better with older people 🤷🏻♂️).
And then the next level of trauma came. Not in that I remembered more traumatic incidents. But that now, that I processed the incidents, I can see their impacts more fully. Their consequences - and there's one thing in particular that I can't live with. I think about it 24/7 when I'm not distracted. As it is now, I can't just leave it like that so I'm waiting to get an appointment at an advice center for victims of violence to maybe start the whole process of going to court for what I witnessed (or find a different way to live with the Thing).
On the other hand I doubt my "memories". I got told my doubt is more like denial. A mechanism to protect myself. But who knows. So maybe no court after all. But. I need. To do. Something. Because if I can trust my memories, I have to shine some light on what happened. Couple of days ago I realized that I've been obsessed with this "memory" since 2019.
But speaking about what I saw and experienced could end in me losing my entire family (at least that's what I think, fear). Dramatic. Pretty sure they would doubt me too. And maybe rightfully so, who knows.
But anyway. That's where I'm at atm. Not knowing whether to go left or right. What to believe and not to believe. If I can trust myself. Oh wow, more drama, Mika. There's more tension in me than I can cope with in a healthy way. Strength training works. Other than that I manage by getting drunk in the evenings to fall asleep and getting drunk during the day to avoid my thoughts and get shit done. But I haven't been doing this for long. (It always comes and goes in phases.)
I know I'll find a way, though. I always do. And although all of this sounds difficult to me, I'm still fine somehow. I'm chilling. But maybe I'm just numb.