I won’t see him/her for a while
I’m only 23 years of age. I never expected getting pregnant would be so easy, or even an unexpected surprise. Growing up, I had very irregular periods. So I figured, my body would need more help to get pregnant than normal. My fiancé thought that he was sterile. It was all quite a shock when we found out we were expecting. Of course, we feared that it was a possibility and before knowing we weighed are options about the major “ifs”. But the moment I found out I was pregnant, my mind was made up. It was my child and we were going to do everything we could to prepare for our baby. My fiancé was on the same page when I gave him the amazing news.
I was nervous and anxious about how we were going to make the money to care for another human life. As a unit we decided that a few months before the baby was due, we would go live with my parents. But, naturally, our lives couldn’t be that simple. The next day my fiancé went to work, he was laid off and we were forced to move in with my parents ASAP. I was seven and a half weeks into my pregnancy. I hadn’t had a check up yet but had one scheduled.
We arrive at my parent’s house safely and with all of our possessions. We settled in quickly. At this point I was eight and a half weeks and the day before my ultrasound; the day before I get to hear my baby’s heartbeat, I cramp all day. Way more than normal. I felt like something was a little wrong but brushed it off until I went to the bathroom and there was spotting. Mom and I immediately call my OBGYN’s office; we’re directed to an on call doctor. She tells us to wait and if it gets worse to come in. Spotting during pregnancy wasn’t uncommon, which I knew. But I also felt in my gut that something wasn’t right. But since it was my first pregnancy, I chose to listen to the doctor. I then decided to lay down and relax. I also made the decision not to tell my fiancé because I didn’t want to stress him out if it was nothing.
But a few hours later I got up to go pee again and this time there was a lot of blood. Period-like blood. I ran to my mother and all I could say through a clogged throat and tears “Mom, we have to go.” She jumped up and with no questions said “Okay.” I stumbled downstairs to let my fiancé know what was happening. He went into go-time mode and got ready faster than I’ve ever witnessed.
We all rushed to the OB-ER w and got called back very quickly. They would only allow one person at a time so my fiancé came with me. The nurse was very sweet as she took all of my vitals. Nick and I waited exchanging worried looks as we waited for a doctor. Finally, one emerged from the curtains and introduced himself. He asked me questions about my symptoms, I listed them trying to be calm and pretend like I didn’t know what was happening.
He opened my cervix and casually said “And you miscarried.” Like my baby wasn’t a human, like it was something that was obvious and inevitable. Nick was furious and emotionally destroyed. Tears streamed from my face as the doctor plucked away the rest of the pieces of my child. Pieces of my heart. He then began explaining that it wasn’t my fault and the reasons that this could have happened. He also explained that this didn’t mean that I can’t have a successful pregnancy.
I was so grieved that I didn’t know what to do or say to the doctor who was a complete asshat.
After other standard procedures, I was released. Leaving the place was so much harder than I thought it was going to be for both of us. We walked in thinking that we were going to have a baby in a few months, but walked out knowing that we won’t be able to see our child until we get to heaven.
It’s been just few days since my miscarriage. Since my uterus; my body failed to grow my baby. I understand mentally that this probably isn’t true, but I’m still a mother that could help her baby. I don’t know what to do. I’m just trying to take it one day at a time and continue to smile and laugh at jokes. But it’s so hard. It’s so hard knowing that you’re not going to have a bundle of joy at the end of the nine months.
I’m still bleeding and will probably continue to bleed for days. It’s like it never happened. Like my period has come back with vengeance. I just.
I’m sure that I will grow from this, but I know for a fact that I’ll never be the same.
Disclaimer: I didn’t write this for sympathy, I promise. I wrote this so that I can begin to heal. Writing has always been something that helps me to sort out my feelings and thoughts. Thank you for listening and reading. 🙂
P.S. feel free to message me or comment. My fiancé and I could use some words of encouragement if you feel the need to give them. ❤️
P.P.S. Hopefully this blog won’t be depressing for long. I hope to bring hope to other who are this situation or a similar one.
