#missing everything

[theembarrassmentofthecentury]

[belleswiftss17]

Who did she come to the game with?! Who’s in the suite??

[oloeopia]

I want to go to dinner with my family

[sibyllebair]

i honestly knew that 2019 was too good of a year like 2020 had to be bad because 2019 was just too good

[franchufeuillassier]

.

[scifuuck-blog]

Tell me to fall in love with the West, that this is the time for my arms to become Pelican-mouth open—I still eat fish, and I still know all of the ways a thing can be gutted. When I ask you what I should yell into the Pacific, you remind me I do not need to be angry, and I don’t get it. How should I know any other way to show my love, but split open, wide and gaping—a wound, a mouth. The sister of my sister, which is to say my home, which is to say not family, but open arms and closed liquor stores on Sundays, is not a liar to me. Speaks to me adrenaline, covers everything in dust, doesn’t care if I eat at all. I dissociate when I travel often, mostly because I do not trust myself to exist as someone looking out for myself. I crack my neck, though I will never become an owl. If I ask you to count the freckles on my back, I am asking you to become a home. In Oakland before sleeping you show me a bird skeleton in a vial. In Portland I find multiple decaying birds on streets named after other streets. No one asks your name in the same way they do not lock their doors at night, which is to say they have never felt unsafe. You tell me to say nice things to the Pacific and I still don’t know how to say that I miss you without bleeding, even if its on the inside, even if I do not know all the ways that I am loved quietly, softly, without fright. When I ask you why I will fall in love with the west and you tell me it is because it is beautiful out there I know I will never get it. The same way when someone I get lost in tells me that I am cute in Oakland, I hide. The same way that I see an abandoned car on the side of a field on my way to Olympia, and I feel home in it’s chassis

[unstressessary]

Shit & Cobwebs

After being down for a couple weeks, I think I’ve bounced back a little. The sun is out, the sky is clear, and I’ve joined my best friend on a trip through sober-town. Today, I’m going to go on a run and start a painting. There, it’s in writing. It has to happen. 

A dream I had last night set me in the right direction, I think. It wasn’t like.. an eye-opening, mind altering kind of shocker dream.. it was just a positive thought. In the dream, I was travelling to Canada with someone I used to be close with. This person and I have tried off and on to talk (it’s usually me who instigates) and we were, in the dream, as we are in real life. Distant and hurt and pretty angry. In the dream, we took this trip together to reconcile. We were with his whole family, but none of them remembered who I was. I was a new person to them and we didn’t bother correcting them. We were all riding in this huge bus/van thing and after a while, I panicked and realized that this wasn’t a situation I should be in, I felt very vulnerable. I didn’t think the whole thing would work. He just looked at me and said “We’re stronger than that and you know it.”

I’ve been thinking about this person for a while now and while I’m unhappy about a lot of things, I keep trying to “fix” it. Or at least make it better. We had a very close relationship at a pretty developmental stage in life and it ended in us hurting each other in a lot different ways. And at first I thought it was guilt that was fueling my desire to make things better but after this last attempt, I realized it’s all about connectivity. I feel like I’m missing a part of myself. I’ve said it before, I’m not trying to mess up my current relationship, there’s just this part of me that I haven’t been able to figure out. Anyway.. this dream may not really have anything to do with what reality is now, but it made me realize.. if we were as close as we thought, and if whatever connection I can’t seem to shake is real.. It’ll come back around or something. I’m not hoping to be best friends again or anything like that, I don’t think that’s a realistic goal. It’s just one of those one-of-a-kind connections that I’ll never find again. And I understand that every connection with every person is different, that’s what makes them so special. What I have right now, I’ll never have with another person and it’s a beautiful thing. But what I had almost 10 years ago (sheesh) was something special too. And I can tell by the way we talk, that it’s still there.. it’s just covered in shit and cobwebs now, I guess. Things suck right now, and I’m having a hard time finding comfort, but maybe someday it’ll be better. And if not, then there’s still no point in pushing and panicking. (How d’you think you got in this mess in the first place?) 

I think this dream was about a specific topic, for sure.. but I woke up this morning feeling overall a little relieved. The same idea applies to a lot. You’re stronger than this, start helping yourself. Yeah, I’m in a slump but I really just need to stop waiting for it to go away. I’m not particularly happy now, and I might not be happy forcing myself to go on a run, but I know I’ll feel better afterwards. I don’t particularly feel the creative juices flowing but.. I know that once I get my canvas set up, I’ll feel so ready to make something beautiful. It’s a tough love thing. Gonna have to beat myself up to feel any better.