Over dramatic, overreacting, overthinking, drama, have you been told by someone those words?, or have you ever said those words to others?
Anxiety, depression, trauma from the past, of the present, and of the future. Are you familiar with those? You haven't? Oh I envy you so much. To those who are not familiar with it, let me do the honor to introduce it to you. Those are the thoughts that keep a person like me all night. If the monster under your bed keeps you from sleeping peacefully, well those are the thoughts that keeps me from living freely. Yeah? Still not ringing any bells? Oh and there's more. It's like the trigger of the gun that can be pulled any moment and… goodbye. To be clear, it's like Satan's whisper.
Doubts, worries, fear, and uncertainty. We as humans inevitably can't avoid those horror realities. Yes, I can't say anything about these emotions anymore. We've been through that hell many times, and still. The word is terrifying enough to speak for itself.
A lot of people have experienced these kinds of emotions since this Covid-19 pandemic started. Who would've thought that staying inside our so-called "home" could give us such torment. A torture if you ask me.
Let me share this with you.
Way back in 2019, everything was fine and normal. I'm enjoying my blossoming youth and building myself to be who I wanted to be in the future. Knowing me, knowing my friends, creating the right circle, and going to places. I still wanna do it. Exploring my potential and discovering myself.
My sanity is still intact.
December 31, 2019 the sun shines brightly as it sets for the last moment of the year, 2019. Sending farewell to the year with a beautiful crimson sky.
As I watched the sunset from our terrace, I was stunned. It's so beautiful. I felt peace as I stared at it until its bright was gone. I can still remember the words I've said minutes before the surroundings completely turned dark. I said in a very calm whisper, "Salamat sa taon na ito. Ang ganda ng paglubog mo. Ito pala ibig sabihin ng payapa. Ang ganda mo tingnan, I appreciate you. Ang tingnan ka sa huling pagkakataon ng paglubog mo ngayong taon ay isang pahinga." I teared a little as I felt joy and gratitude for how exciting and fun that year was. Without knowing that it would be the last time I will feel that sanctuary.
Morning of January 1st 2020 already felt tiring. Well, me and my family partied last night during the New Year celebration. Who would have thought that the year 2020 would give me a new stage in my life. It will change me as a person and as "me". I prayed that this year would be kind to me and hopefully favor me, but God answered my prayer differently.
It was already night and we're eating dinner with my family while watching TV. The news was all about the flu or that virus that came all the way from China. The news warned us to be careful and to stay healthy. More nights and more news about the virus. And it's getting worse as many people are getting infected. The World Health Organization declared the outbreak a Public Health Emergency of International Concern on 30 January 2020, and a pandemic on 11 March 2020.
First Week of the month of March when our school declares not to go to school until the third week of March. At first, we were so happy because we thought it's only a break. We spent our days going outside hanging out. There is no strict restriction yet. I stayed late at night playing online games and overslept in the morning. I felt free because there's no school work to worry about. I enjoyed the days without classes and I admit at the very beginning it was happy and fun.
Days and weeks have passed and we're still not allowed to go to school yet. We haven't started our fourth quarter yet. I asked myself "what is happening? Can we still graduate at this rate?" My friends are worried too, we miss each other and we wanna go back inside our silid where we feel we belong. We don't have a choice but to obey the order. They said it's for our safety.
The news everyday is all about Covid-19. I listened attentively to it as it broadcast the alarming number of deaths of the infected people. As I listened to the news, I felt like I was transported to another dimension. That other dimension I was talking about my inner self where I hid all of my fear. I've been brought there with my own thoughts and the only emotion I can feel at that time was fear. I'm scared. I got paranoid. So many "what ifs" running through my mind.
What if my parents would get infected? What if my grandparents get infected too?
What if I get infected and die?
Will I be able to live without my parents? Can I stand on my own?
Where can we get our financial support? How can we eat?
Before I knew it, I found myself lost. Drowned in thoughts and hanging. What just happened?
Days gone by but I'm still trying to sink in on what's really happening.
Unlike before, I stayed inside my room all day scrolling through social media, playing online games, reading manga and doing anything that can shake my fear and boredom. Until I realized that, although I'm doing many things, I am not genuinely happy.
The height of the pandemic brought a lot of realization to me. I've realized that among all the certain, death is absolute. Once you're gone, you're done. It taught me that each one of us aren't equal in terms of life standing. I've seen my family suffer financially, and so have some of my friends. But it also showed me that some fortunate people don't do as much as we do to have financial support that can support their living. That harsh reality made me wanna do more to achieve the ideal life that I want to have. But how? I can't even go outside due to some restrictions. For a moment, I felt useless. The fact that I can't do anything yet frustrates me.
The nothingness that we have during the pandemic really gave me emotional damage. Don't get me wrong, God doesn't fail to provide our daily needs. But in order for those needs to be provided and attained we need to work hard, and my mother is the one who struggled a lot. None of us wants to see our mother getting exhausted and tired. If I can only switch places with her, I would be the one to work hard for us.
That's not all of it, I also had anxiety and overthink about what might happen to me in the future? Will I be able to find a job? Will I be useful to my family? As the eldest daughter, all the pressure is on me. My parents don't pressure me, to be clear. It's my own urge to want to help my parents provide for our daily needs.
Before I knew it, I was completely drowned by my own thoughts. Consumed by the fear and uncertainty of what ahead me. The emotional state that I am in got me paralyzed, unable to do anything, but to cry. It prevents me from thinking straight and living freely. Sire it's nice having a good heart that wants to help, but a good heart is not enough, and it hurts. I'm sure some of you completely understand me.
Up until now I'm still fighting for survival, not just for my living but I am fighting for my dreams. Although this pandemic hazed my vision in life, it won't stop me from having my ideal life.
For now, all I can do is to pray and trust in his process. Take some actions towards my dream and to at least survive everyday. I know someone truly loves me and it is enough foundation to make me stand up at my pedestal.
To those teenagers that are currently experiencing and feeling what I'm feeling right now, we got this!
Padayon para sa atong mga PUHON!
