Selfish
College ex Miyaji x Reader
The winter breeze nipped at your face. Cheeks red from the cold you looked down. You focused on the ground below you. Mind running.
Usually when you walked along the river side back to your apartment. you would gaze out at the water, even in snowy days like this when the water froze to ice.
You couldn’t bring yourself to look, not with him there. The towering figure of the man you once said you loved. The man you left in fall, and the man you walk beside in winter.
The only difference was now you didn’t have the right to say you loved him. You lost that right when you sat across from him in that small cafe, a corner table out of the way of others.
He took that break up with Grace. Simply giving you a smile and thanking you for your time. And it hurt that it was just like him.
Miyaji was your first love, the man you met in college, and now the walking embodiment of how much you could love someone.
But no matter what you could never make him love you. As it appeared to you, your efforts to deepen your connection seemed to be more of a nuisance than anything.
Always displaying that polite smile he wore, he kept his feelings close to his chest, never even letting you have any idea how he really felt.
Glancing to your side you couldn’t stop the frustration building in you. He looked fine, he always looked fine. He looked fine when you broke up with him, he looked fine while you were together, and he looked fine tonight. Always just fine and never anything else.
Before you knew it your eyes were filled with tears. The frustration was evident, and so was the hurt. He don’t even look sad when you two broke up, and now he insists on walking you home like you two were just ever friends.
“[name]?” That same voice called out, and you hadn’t even noticed that you stopped walking. Miyaji stood a few feet away, eyes worried, but expression fine.
“I don’t understand you,” you blurted out shaking, you tears flowing down, burning your face in the cold.
Your words were heavy, each one coming from the back of your throat, sounding scratchy and miserable.
Not even a beat later.
“Please don’t cry,” he was right in front of with within a few steps, his long legs closing the gap almost instantly. His large hands cradled your face, comforting you like he had before.
Miyaji was anything if not careful. Even while you were together he made sure to not do anything you didn’t initiate. That was one thing you both loved in hated. You loved feeling like he cared so much, but hated him not doing more and waiting on you.
Always an arms reach away, but seemingly slipping through your fingers every time.
The frustration only made you cry harder and you wiggled his hand off of you. “I can’t understand you Miyaji, why do you care now? Did you even date me because you liked me?”
You didn’t mean to let that last bit slip, the insecurity you had been holding onto the entirety of your relationship. Miyaji had never once said he loved you, never even said he liked you. You still remember the smile and nod he gave you when you asked him out on a date. The insecurity ate at you every day you were together, and even after it was over. You had convinced yourself that Miyaji only dated you because of he was too polite to turn you down.
“Please don’t say that.” Miyaji’s voice broke through your thought, pulling back to reality. And for the first time Miyaji sounded sad, so sad.
“I… I really loved you [Name],” he said after a moment, “but I… I I couldn’t imagine it.” Miyaji’s words came out rough, and immediately your thoughts jumped to the worsts. ‘He couldn’t imagine the two of you being together’. Your subconscious whispered in the back of your head, making your stomach drop. Suddenly you felt nauseous and sick.
“I thought if you saw the more selfish sides of me, you’d change your mind…” his voice trailed off and you realized then that this was more emotion and true feelings you had gotten from Miyaji than your entire relationship. You suddenly didn’t know what to say. You were expecting the worst and got the most unexpected.
“What are you talking about about,” you said, no tears lingering, only yearning.
Yearning for him. Miyaji. Selfish and all.
Miyaji looked at you, his expression unreadable, “[Name], can you accept the… more rugged parts of me?” He asked, “I never wanted you to see those parts of me. The angry, insecure, and even the selfish. I am far from the man you thought I was—“
“Who cares!” You huffed, your voice traveling through his ears, and suddenly he was scared. Scared of your accepting him. Because Miyaji had never imagined someone as wonderful as you could ever accept someone like him.
“Who cares if you’re not the man I thought you were!” You replayed his words, because it was now or never. “I dont! Miyaji you are the man I chose, and even now I-i…..”. Your words ripped through your throat, the icy air chipping away at your comfort slowly, and if you did feel the burning in your throat you wouldn’t have cared. Tears once again pooled at the corners of your eyes, stinging your already red eyes.
Miyaji felt his breath hitch and he too realized that this moment would be everything. So slowly, with calculated moments he took your hand, pressing it firm against his chest. The beating of his head vibrated through his thick winter coat. “[Name]… one last time, could u choose me?”
“Is that even a question? You idiot of course!”
You were both sick the next day.
