“Please hold me tight, I think I’m going to break”
Ok, this is kind of sucky, but Dazai is bae. If you feel you are going through a tough time, please feel free to send us a dm!
TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF SELF HARM, SUICIDE, DEATH, DEPRESSION .
The crimson hue of the Yokohama sky heralded that the dusk of night was about to make its appearance
Your fragile eyes stared as the clouds grew increasingly darker, that sensation came back up throughout your body, you called it grief, and lately you had no idea how to keep it under control. You wore out your tears many moons ago.
You inhaled the air around you, trying to find a way to ease the anxiety that this feeling made you feel.
To be honest, you weren't happy, at night you cried until your eyelids were exhausted and sleep invaded your entire body, in the mornings and in the afternoons, you displayed a carefree face; the agency was a workplace where work abounded, and you really didn't want to worry or 'bother' anyone with your problems.
Your figure began to shake gently, sobs decorated the walls of your room. Your hands were covering your face.
You can' t seem to remember the last time a razor was pressed against your flesh, but in that moment, there was a strong urge to feel that sensation.
This way, you thought, you wouldn't have to think about the real agony you were experiencing.
Your steps were directed to the bathroom, the cabinet was opened and a punctured element was found, you sat down on the edge of the tub, pulling up the bottom of your skirt to gain more access to your thigh, you took the object and pressed it against your epidermis, tears streamed from your face landing directly on your s/c skin.
Your sobs turned into desperate cries; how could a human being feel so much pain?
Your mind wandered around the corners of the tiles, until you reached the ceiling "WHY? Give me an Answer to this!" your throat screamed until your voice was slightly shutting off.
Your sight penetrated the bathroom ceiling, as you waited for an answer which you knew would never arrive.
A knock on your apartment door woke you up from this trance, it wasn't like you to have visitors, and you thought you weren't psychologically well enough to answer and pretend anymore. At least, not tonight.
You let the knocking stop, but to your agony, that noise never ceased, the thud was still present, and you didn't understand why. Sighing as you got up from the floor, you washed your face, fixed your skirt and headed towards the wooden material.
" Yes?" was the first thing you said as you opened the door, there before your eyes was Osamu, his bright smile shaped on his handsome face, you were confused, why would he come over to your house?
"Y/n-chan, I decided to stop by your house to have a nice tea with these wonderful little cakes that I bought!" You always wondered how he managed to keep up such an exhausting act, but in him, it looked charming.
"Osamu, I think this is not a good t-" without being able to even finish your sentence, he walked through the door and thus entering your apartment
"Nonsense Y/n-chan, you're just saying that because you've never tasted these little cakes!" You were more than confident that they were either a discount cake or an expiration promotion.
He took off his shoes and made his way over to your kitchen, grabbing the kettle in his hand and pouring in enough water for both of you. Your figure leaned against the door frame, watching his movements, a surprising smile graced your lips.
His eyes directed themselves to yours, both glances met and for a moment you felt how your cheeks were decorated with a light rosy shade. You never managed to confess to anybody the feelings you felt towards Osamu, because you knew that not even, he himself would take them seriously.
Suddenly his gaze became inexpressive, as if he were angry, surprised you asked him
"Osamu, is everything all right?" he approached your body and grabbed your wrist somewhat firmly. Jolting to the sudden movement, your e/c orbs analyzed his face "What's the matter?!"
"I knew you were hiding something, I felt it every time you faked a smile, but I never knew you were dealing with this too, why?
"I... I don't know what you're talking about"
You didn't know what kind of illusions you believed if you thought that Osamu hadn't discovered you way before and pretending to be incredulous wasn't going to work, not this time, not with him.
He lifted up your skirt, a small squeal made his attention focus on you for a few seconds "This needs to be treated before it gets infected".
You didn't know how to react, you were about to generate some kind of sentence, but Osamu grabbed your hand and took you to the bathroom. You sat on the edge of the bathtub, the surface was cold; meanwhile Osamu checked your medicine cabinet, in search of some kind of disinfectant and some gauze.
Your eyes simply observed his figure, as soon as he found what he required, he took the necessary materials to disinfect your wounds.
He bowed down before your physique, Osamu's knees touched the surface of the ceramics, he took a moment to analyze the wounds, which in total were three shallow cuts.
He picked up some of the saline solution, and poured it over the wound. The cold contact of the liquid on your skin caused you to jolt.
"Does it hurt?" his coffee-colored orbs, which were the loveliest shade of coffee you'd ever witnessed, all you wanted to do was get lost in them and never leave.
"A little, but it's nothing unbearable" a smile spread over your face.
"Osamu dried the wound with a gauze and applied a lotion so that the skin wouldn't get infected.
Once he finished healing you, he only remained silent, staring straight into your eyes, trying to find something, you don't know what, but by the sigh that came out of his lips, you could tell he couldn't find an anwser to what he was searching for .
"Y/n, please take care of yourself, I don't want you to injure yourself anymore" you felt that all that performance he always maintained was not present at that moment.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want you to know, nor did I want you to worry about me... it's not worth it"
Osamu took your hand, they were cold, empty, but when they met yours, they brought life to it, they complemented each other.
"Don't say that, believe me I care, I knew there was something going on"
There at that moment, you felt a knot form in your throat, as the tears were making their appearance in your eyeballs. All you managed to do was to hold him, to cling to him as tightly as if he would never disappear again.
"Osamu, please hold me tight, I think I'm going to break" the words came out broken, as silent as a whisper, you were afraid the air would carry them away without ever reaching his ears.
"Sh... easy y/n, I am here" his arms tightly wrapped around your form.
"I don't want you to leave me, I don't want you to go, I don't want to forget you, I want to see your face every day, I want to feel your cologne whenever you walk near me, I want to listen to those bad jokes you make all the time, I want to hear your laughter, I need it to keep going"
His body tensed as he heard your words, his arms lost strength as he embraced you, he gazed straight at your visage.
" I' m here, I won't leave, and you won't leave either, do you hear me?" with his fingertips he wiped away every tear that fell out of your eyes.
"Oh, and by the way, my jokes aren't bad," he said confidently.
You laughed, and sat down on the floor, wrapping your arms around Osamu's chest, as you sank your face into the crook of his neck, closing up your eyes as he gently stroked your hair, leading you into the dream land.
--------- Morning ---------
The alarm on your cell phone rumbled on the walls, your eyes slowly cracked open, your head was spinning, you felt a headache - it must have been caused by all the crying that went on the night before.
You looked around; you fell asleep leaning against the bathtub's back.
Osamu... there that feeling came up again, your chest was trembling due to the sorrow, you didn't want to get up, you didn't even want to keep on going. But you promised him you would do your best to keep living.
It has been six months since his death, and yet you still feel his presence near you every day. You believe this is due to all the feelings you had for him, all the love that you once wished to demonstrate towards him, but couldn’t manage to do so.
You stood up from the ground, approaching the sink to freshen up your face and then you headed towards the kitchen, there were two cups of coffee sitting on the counter, and next to them inside a bag, two little cakes.
Another day without Dazai.









