I am getting more and more certain I am a system. I do not want this. I don’t want to share my life with others. I don’t want another ‘thing’.
I want to just ignore it and for it to go away, but if I am plural I want to get help. But if I get diagnosed it’s *real*.
I am particularly terrified of having fictives. It feels embarrassing and weird and just I can feel that they are stigmatized.
I thought I was a system once before. I tried to fit what other systems looked like and it was the worst year of my life. Whatever I thought was happening then I was wrong. What if I am wrong now?
I want my life to be mine. I want to be okay.
Hi there anon. It sounds like you're under a lot of stress, that the idea of being plural is worrying to you. I want to validate that feeling. It can be incredibly difficult sharing your life with others as you mentioned. It isn't always positive. There are lots of difficult situations and unique struggles from being a system. I'm glad you have that insight.
Wanting to ignore this is totally understandable as well. I want to encourage you though, as you mentioned, that seeking the help and advice of someone on this topic might be helpful. It might not make it clear if you are plural, but may hopefully ease some of your worries.
There are so many systems who live varied lives, there is no right way or even common way to exist. Even regarding fictives, some systems are mostly fictives, others have some, a few, or none at all. The brain splits as is needed and as it sees fit. It is no one's fault and not in their control who appears. To me, this means there is no shame in having fictives. They can be a helpful member of a system just like any other, regardless of where they come from. That's what really matters, not the surface level name or appearance, but how they work together with others in their system and the support they provide.
People can influence us. We think we should identify or act a certain way. It can be hard to break out of this. I hope you can find yourself outside of who others may want you to be or who they label you as. Finding your own self can bring immense security and confidence, and I really want that for you.
I know things will be ok eventually. You seem to be a very bright and caring person, so I am positive things will work out for you with time!
