i don’t know i don’t know i
i feel like everything’s falling apart i don’t know what to do i’m just
i’m starting my third year of uni in a few days but i need to retake two of last year’s classes and everything’s confusing me and i don’t know if i’m supposed to have contacted anyone about it or if it’s automatic and i can’t contact anyone to check because i’m too scared to log into my emails because i’m afraid they’re going to say i’ve been kicked out or something
and i’ve also not been talking to any of my friends because we’ve all got issues about phoning and texting and our only communication is through Skype ehich i’ve been avoiding because i always forget to reply to people and there are conversations with people i want to leave but i can’t because they’ll get a notification about it and i don’t really know how to say ‘hey the last time we spoke was a year ago because i find it too emotionally draining to reply to you even if you did nothing wrong. i mean, i want to talk to my rl friends but i’m also just so tired even though i’ve not spoken to them for so long
because there’s also the fact that my dogs both died and i want them to know why i’m sad but i also don’t want to make it look like i’m begging for pity like it’s something i want to get out of the way soon so it’s not like it seems i’ve been with holding information and i don’t even know i’m just tired and scared
and i’m still grieving for my dogs and i think i’ve been shoving that aside and trying to use humour to cope which is what i do but i alternate from just... feeling nothing and ignoring it to feeling everything and it’s all wrong i just want my puppy back
and i want a hug but i also don’t want to be touched and i’m pulling my hair again
i’m stressed about the foster baby and all of his health problems, i mean, there’s nothing immediately life-threatening any more but there’s still serious problems and i just want him to be okay
and i’m still thinking about uni like, this wasn’t even my first choice course because i wanted to do marine biology and not environmental science and while i like it and enjoy it i don’t really love it and my goal since i was a kid was to be a marine biologist but i’m not sure if i’ll ever really get there because i really just want to work with animals but you need to know so much and that’s not the problem because i like learning but
i quite like living alone but i can’t live alone. i’m sharing a house and while they’re all vaguely friendly, i don’t really know any of them and they all do normal things like drinking and clubbing and i hate that kind of thing because any kind of non-medical drugs including caffiene really worry me and i just want to avoid them because of reasons
i mean, my dad had an addiction to coca cola which really put me off the caffiene thing, and having all of the fosterlings over the year... i’ve seen what happens. we’ve had kids with fetal-alcohol syndrome and one baby had to be weaned off morphine because her mum had been using heroin while pregnant. i mean, i don’t want kids but i also just... have a really really low opinion of anything drug related
like especially cigarettes. most of my housemates smoke and i just? i can’t understand why and i’m also kind of allergic to the smoke so i can’t have my window open to the garden which is a problem in itself because my housmates are always turning the thermostat up to ridiculous levels and i’m sitting in my room in the middle of winter wearing a summer dress with the window open and it’s still too hot
it’s not ‘living alone’. i want to live alone. alone where i’m not scared to actually leave my room because i don’t want to talk to anyone. alone where no one plays loud music that i dislike late into the night. alone where i can play my music all day and dance stupidly around the kitchen as i’m cooking because i can’t cook much in the house because i have to time it so no body is in or awake which is hard when there are six of us. alone where i can sing at the top of my voice and not worry that i’m disturbing anyone because i’ve not got a great voice. alone where i can dictate my own housework schedule without having to wait three days to do my laundry because every time i go to check the machine it’s full
but if i ever want to live alone i’ll need money, and money means i need a job, but i don’t think i’m going to get an exceptional degree and practically all jobs need you to talk to people anyway. i’m not good enough at any sort of applicable freelancing skills. i have tons of stories in my head but i don’t know how to write them and i doubt they’d get a good reception if i did
and then there’s the fact that i don’t want to be alone alone. i get freaked out by bugs and i’m phobic of craneflies specifically and if it’s only me i’ll end up barricading myself in a cupboard and crying for two days if i see one. also what if someone breaks in? it’s only me. but i don’t feel responsible enough for a companion animal/pet, and a relationship???
i’m ace, but what I am romantically? i don’t even know. it’s a big ????? but i think i’m leaning towards ‘none of my crushes ever go away for example i was 12 when that one started and haven’t seen the person for like 5 years or more but if i ever meet them again i wouldn’t want to be in an actual relationship what’. so. i mean, i don’t want a friend living with me either because i don’t want to subject them to all the weird stuff i do that i’m only comfortable doing around my family like you don’t know how dramatic i can really be the more you know me the hammier i get and also wtf are the things i eat please don’t judge my food choices. hey look i’m using humour to cover my insecurities again
ugh and i hate exams because i can’t remember anything? i have all of these problems with ADD and anxiety and probably depression but i’ve never been diagnosed because i’m also too scared to go to the doctors and ask for help.
so then there’s the future and it’s big and scary because i don’t know what i want to do beyond ‘get this degree’ because everything is too competitive and i’m just
sometimes at night when i can’t get to sleep (like now, for instance) i get a lot of... i think they’re intrusive? thoughts? where there’s a little voice saying ‘it would be so much easier if i could just disappear’ but like??? i don’t want to disappear shut up shut up shut up with your existential fear thing
ugh is this like, a delayed panic attack from the cranefly i saw last night? pretty sure i had at least some minor dissociation over that because i can’t really remember between ‘heavy breathing to calm self’ and ‘suddenly part-way through music list ready to sleep’ i just feel... blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
i think that’s most of the stuff swirling around in my brain right now thanks for reading if you did.
