I'm finding myself stuck in the middle of the night, it's almost 3:00 a.m. here, and I don't manage to sleep. I'm scared because some weeks ago, some thief broke into my mum's house. I'm actually going back and forth on a 2 car hours travel from my city home and her house because she has serious health issues. I can't sleep in the apartment where my brother, my mum's partner and her are living, because there isn't another bed, so I'm forced to sleep in the other apartment, completely alone. And obviously, I can't. I'm anxious, It's fucking freezing here and I'm close in the bathroom with a electric heater. Tomorrow I have to work and I will be a zombie. Fucking amazing.
And yet, I'm here, thinking about my life and what to do with it. So many things have happened lately that have forced me to question what I'm doing. What do I really want from my life? What are my goals? What do I wanna do? And I don't have a clear answer. I recovered drawing thanks to Datv and Emmrich, and for that I am so immensely grateful but as time passed, I found my mind lingering on some ideas, on the thought that I might spend my time doing something that is mine, and at the same time, I fear this perspective.
We try to remember to ourselves that what we are doing is only for us, and just for us, that we don't have to run after glory, likes, and visualisation, but I think that everybody gets stuck in these attractions.
So, I would like to do something for myself but doing so, I might end up being on my own, without support and people liking what I'm doing. I shouldn't care for that, but I did, and I hate this feeling. It's hard to be alone on an artistic journey, I have already had experience of that. And I am also so bad at giving support to others or just following or just cheering up, so what can I pretend? Aaargh, this feeling is so damn annoying. And also, I drew Emmrich so much that he's changed so much that it is not actually him anymore but at the same time is him. He's becoming something else, I have to change him, I want to and also, I don't want to. It's so fucking damn complicated.
Sorry for the venting/ranting, and blethering. I would like to use this space and blog to give me the chance to let out what I feel, I don't want to annoy anyone. It's just for me. So, if you end up finishing these last lines, thank you for the patience, otherwise, you did well to stop before.
(better with the bear or without it?)
