⋆˚꩜｡ I CAN'T BE YOUR LOVER (on a leash)
⋆˚࿔ pairing. park jihyo x hirai momo
synopsis. momo doesn’t care what happens, as long as she has jihyo.
⋆˚࿔ content. angst. miscommunications. unintentional leading on. situationships. slightly internalized homophobia. sneaking around. based off of "the cut that always bleeds" by conan gray.
notes. toxic wlw age gap yuri </3
slow tracing.
momo's woken slowly by the soft touch of the woman in her bed. freshly tanned skin, a warm look in her eyes. home. for a moment, at least. she breathes out slowly, giving a small blink up at her leader. jihyo looks down quietly, the pads of her fingers continuing their slow journey across momo's jaw line. it makes the older's breath just barely hitch, as she leans into the touch. the corner of jihyo's lips lift.
those damned lips. the ones that had charted across momo's skin just hours before, kissing and parting so that whispers of claiming could escape. pressing the older down onto her mattress as she shot euphoria throughout her body. now they laid in the afterglow of both their encounter and the rising sun. jihyo had woken up first, and stared down at momo as if she were a damned goddess.
momo breathes out slowly, as her thumb skids over the older's bottom lip. she whispers against her finger. "you stayed?"
and just like that, the environment switches. jihyo's brows furrow briefly before her face relaxes, and she forces a slow nod. her eyes fall from momo's to her lips and then away - as she pulls away. momo's arm tugs around her, desperately trying to tug her back into the moment, and sympathetically jihyo squeezes her arm, but reluctantly slips out of it.
"do you want to shower?" the younger speaks slowly, disregarding momo's words and soft noises of protest. the warmth leaves the bed along with her, and momo watches as she goes, popping into the bathroom. the sound of running water falls.
momo leans back against her bed, reaching her hand up and rubbing her forehead slowly. a decently sized sigh escapes. jihyo was always like this. ebbing away like the flow of water, making decisions that she ultimately ended up regretting. the only issue was - momo was one of those decisions.
she wasn't stupid, despite the beliefs of others, she knew jihyo was... the way that she was. but someone the Japanese just kept getting tugged back into the situation...ship. it had it's moments of relationship, where jihyo would bring her gifts and cuddle her in bed, meet her eyes during practice and send her that cute, shy little expression she always did. and then it had moments of situation, wherein at some points momo felt more like an after thought. like now.
"love," jihyo poked her head out, her face soft and bare. momo's heart surged, she answered with a gentle raise of her brows, and jihyo murmured. "waters hot. whenever you're ready."
and the older would drag herself out of bed, watching jihyo disappear back into the bathroom. she's briefly glance down at her bare form littered in soft hickeys and the indents of jihyo's teeth on her inner thighs. a part of her would swell with pride at the sight, but a majority would ache, knowing that in a few weeks? they'd be back to how they always were. awkward. distant. jihyo would make comments online about how out of all the members - momo was the one she felt so awkward with. but did she not press the olders body against a wall days prior? did her lips not whisper of love?
momo pushes into the bathroom, finding her silhouette shrouded in the steam of the shower. she swallows at the sight and glances in the mirror. the night last night was over too late, making her under eyes droop with tiredness. that always happened when she was with jihyo. stepping forward, she slipped into the shower, and couldn't help the way her arms automatically went around the shorter girl, dragging her body in close. her chin rest against her head, and for the briefest of moments, jihyo tensed.
momo almosted panicked. almost. but by now she was too used to it. to the push and pull of being with but also not being with jihyo. of knowing her body by heart, but not her mind.
"our schedule is packed today," after a while, jihyo relaxes, rubbing her lover's hand slowly. "will you stay the night?"
momo sighs into her hair. "I don't know, nayeon mentioned-"
"stay." jihyo cut her off, turning around. she looked up slightly into momo's eyes, her hand reaching to trace her jaw again. momo pressed into the touch, and jihyo's voice came softly. "I love when you do that, baby. you're so cute...won't you stay the night?"
momo felt compelled.
her head slowly nodded, hands tracing over jihyo's bare hips. she pressed their forms together, leaning and kissing the youngers neck slowly. and jihyo's breath hitched, as she pressed deeper into momo. warm water hit her back like gentle pellets, so momo shifted them to be turned away from the shower head. jihyo melts in her hold, and shifts momp's head to face her.
"you know I love you, right?"
she speaks softer. momo releases a slow breath. "I love you too."
they both knew only one of them actually meant it. momo wouldn't get any better anticipating jihyo's inevitable departure, feeling her slip the moment they moved in the shower to actually bathe. and in the coming days that followed; sleepovers would be less frequent as jihyo drifted off, construed in her own emotions and feelings and not quite placing any of them at the same standard as momo. and momo would cry, and cry. all she knew was crying sometimes.
crying, and holding onto nayeon, or sana, or anyone else who'd hear her sorrows. she couldn't articulate well, but she recognized the pain. relationships had never been good for her, anyway.
jihyo would become a lover, a friend, and then a coworker easily. and momo would remain the constant she always was. she knew her feelings and knew them well. knew that she loved jihyo. loved her touch. craved it, actively. craved her. but she also knew jihyo.
and as blunt as the woman could be?
she never understood her own feelings enough to tell momo how she truly felt, let alone herself.
and so the rhythm would pick back up, with sorrow and with doubt. and weeks could at any point turn into months or maybe even a years worth of time. something could change during a show, and the next moment momo would wake up in her lover's bed, feeling the gentle strokes of her fingers against her back. jihyo's lips - those damned things - would pepper her like a canvas, marking up her territory. momo would feel, again, as if the world finally valued her.
because her own world was back with her.
jihyo's body would remain empty of marks, but her words would carry on.
"I love you, momo."
"do you know how much I love you?"
"come over tonight, please."
"I miss you."
fights could result in the lasting situation fizzling to bones again - but in tandem, momo would wind back up at jihyo's apartment the next day. in her bed. in her life. but still? never quite in her heart. the one awkward member of twice that jihyo just couldn't remain consistent with. and even if momo knew it was bad for her, as nayeon had stated multiple times, she needed jihyo. part of her cherished jihyo as if she were her idol. hers.
she needed her there in her life for stability, for care. even if it meant losing herself.
even if it meant never really having her.
she'd be willing to reopen the wound each time.
because one day?
jihyo would change.
she just didn't know when.