Living with madd
So I'm 20 years old, I am a mother, and a girlfriend and i have madd. Among other things, depression etc.
So to start my madd is something I still do all the time. It's really hard having a regular relationship when you live like this. I had never had a full long term relationship before the man I'm with and I only recently discovered madd as a real thing. I told this man I had imaginary friends, and he just kinda went with it, cause I also never talk about it. But what I'm getting to is that he has helped me in ways I have no idea to explain to him. I used to daydream through every social interaction and it always put me out in groups of people where I'd fall away from the conversation and I wouldn't know how to Come Back In but at 16 I had started working on that because I realized it was really hurting me and I had got new friends and I wanted to be a part of things well after I got my boyfriend he helped a lot with that because I felt terrible for not paying attention to him, and and now when he's awake and home I don't really daydream because I need to be invested and involved in my life. And he had done a good job of unknowingly taking up my, main para, Ander, his mantle. Ander has been with me for a long time he isnt the first para but he is the one that is always there, he is the para that took up the place as a soulmate role in my life, as a lover and a protector. And im now not leaning on him during every moment, Ander isnt just always there next to me now. Because I'm often not alone and honestly I feel like I'm cheating on my Boyfriend sometimes with him, and I feel so so terrible to have ander with me when my Boyfriend is around. And now ander also has started to change some to look like him in the face. But being loved and supported by someone I love and also want to support has made slowing down my madd even at all possible.
Furthermore being a mother is hard, I have a 11 month old little girl, and she relies on me for everything and I have to be active and apart of her development, not just active I have to push it along and find new and creative ways to help her grow and become a person. But madd is very intrusive. I feel like a terrible mom, I feel like I dont spend enough time doing active play with her. And its true I dont. ( on a side note my daughter is excelling and ahead on her milestones and I love her soooooooo much) but having my paras do things with me is something I have done for a while so it helps that in small ways i just include the daydreaming in with being a mom. But having a kid terrifies me, what if she falls behind because I'm not doing good, or if her speach isn't progressing right because I listen to earbuds and dont talk much. Or when she gets older how will I hide this. For now I just try not to think about it and anxiety over doing the wrong thing pushes me to be the mom she needs me to be, maybe not to the best of my ability but I try. Also thet i dont want my animals to watch me be a freak thing wayyy worse with a kid then a pet.
Having madd has made my life hard, probably in equal or greater amounts then it ever helped. I dont know how or if I ever will stop. But its getting easier and knowing really is half the battle. I'm not saying go get a Boyfriend to stop daydreaming, it totally dose not work. I have to stop myself from holding mine to ander's standard as far as comforting me or how he says things goes and that's so far from fair. But I am saying to find a good friend or a roommate someone you really trust, like talking to and being around ALOT. ( remember kids 72 hours non stop at least before moving in with someone.) And try to just be apart of being with them as.much as possible. Tell your paras being hydrated is important offer them some water and drink some yourself. Your paras are your coping mechanism and you should use them to help you move around interact with your world.
I know this is super long, but I never see anyone talk about relationships or being a parent and it's hard. If anyone wants to talk or had questions about whether or not I figured out how to get over something feel free to message me. I'm a stay at home mom and a homemaker, my whole life is self driven apparently I figure something out lol. Or if you want to know more about madd or my paras. I hope this helps show that there is hope for regular things in life like love and success even for people with madd. ( this was super hard for me to write hope it's not to bad)
@valiantlyfuturisticbarbarian thank you you have come to mean so much to me, and I could never quite thank you for being there for me.
