Hey, I was wondering if you could maybe help me with this, because I am incredibly now at polyamory, I have no onw around me that I could talk to and I don't know how to act.
Okay so basically, i have been with my partner for almost 3 years now. We were completly monogamous until a few months ago, when they went to study abroad. We have a huge time difference (9h) and we have never been apart for more than 1 month, so long distance has been hard on us. Not even 2 weeks of being aborad they met someone and started to develop a crush.
I had no worries and said it would be okay for me if they would try something out, but I also said that i don't know if I would be comfortable with them developing feelings for each other. Fast forward a few weeks, they actually developed feelings for each other and I stopped feeling comfortable with them kissing or having sex. My partner and I talked about it and we came to the conclusion that we want to try to actually open our relationship.
See the problem isn't with my partner or the guy they found, because both of them are 100% okay with everything. I am the only one who feels terrible about my partner having romantic feelings for someone other than me. But I really want to try for my partner. (I dont know if a non-monogamous relationship is for me, right now it doesn't feel like I can do this, but like I said I really want to try for them).
I feel jealous and anxious and sometimes angry. I don't want to feel this way. We talked about things that could help me get over these feelings, including my partner spending more time with me and me actually getting to know the other person.
(I also thought that it could maybe help if I also had someone else, but I don't know if I actually want that. Also it hurts when my partner says that they don't care if I have someone else.)
Moreover we made the "rule" that we should take it slow and that I am currently not comfortable with them sharing bodily affection, like kissing or having sex. We're hoping that as time passes my bad feelings would go away and they can slowly start doing these things again.
Now coming to my question: Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? How can I figure out where my bad feelings are coming from? What else can we do to reduce my bad feelings? I would appreciate your help soo much. Thank you!
To me, it sounds like you love your partner very much, but the two of you aren't romantically compatible.
It absolutely sucks when this happens, for everyone involved. But do not compromise your own comfort just to appease your partner. Don't hide your feelings of jealousy and blame yourself for not "trying hard enough" to be poly "for them" if it's genuinely something you're not comfortable with.
It's okay if this is a dealbreaker for you. If you would be happier with just one person, and they would be happier with more than one, it's okay to end the relationship and wish each other the best. You can still love each other, still root for the other's happiness in life, and date separately. You both deserve to have the types of connections that you want. If this isn't what you want, the best you will be able to do is learn to tolerate it. Being actually happy with it may not ever happen.
It's so, so hard. And I'm sorry you're going through this. But I hope both of you can take a look at your relationship together and determine whether it's something you still want or not. It's okay if it isn't. But don't force yourself to change for them. <3
