#monsterboards

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Shenanigans

The longer I live, the less patience I have for shenanigans.  For example, last week I was picking up my clothes from the cleaners:

ME:  Oh, it looks like you missed ironing on that sleeve.

CLEANER GUY:

ME:

CLEANER GUY:

ME:

ME:  So would you like me to wait here until you fix that?

  And on my last date (years ago):

DATE:  I was thinking we could go on a hike.

ME:  Oh!  That sounds like fun!  I hope you have a good time.  I’ll just wait here in the car until you’re finished.

DATE:

ME:  And then let’s get something to eat I’m starved

I’ve realized the older I get…the more I’m turning into my mom.  (Which is AWESOME of course!  Right mom??)  I’ve discovered I have less time on this earth for putting up with stupidness.  I guess that’s why you always see old people at the symphony and never on facebook.  They don’t mess around.

I aspire to be like that.

Last week my threshold for tolerating shenanigans was violated when I was driving to work, and I saw a car…

…back into the car behind it.

It didn’t just bump it, it bumped it and then kept on going.

I was a little surprised but was certain they’d pull over and take care of that.

But they didn’t.  They started driving off!

Don’t worry I stopped them!

ME:  Hi you totally just backed into that car back there

HER:  What?  Really?  I didn’t feel it!

ME:  Why don’t we pull over and take care of this?

So we did, though she left her car running (???)

Now, the car was pretty beat up already and it was hard to tell which dents and scrapes were hers.  But I saw she’d hit it pretty hard so some of them had to be from her.

HER:  I didn’t do that!  There was no way I did that!

ME:  Maybe you should go knock on their door and talk to them.

HER: *storms off to the porch*

She began knocking on the door angrily.  In the meantime…I took pics of both license plates.

After a few minutes, it became clear no one would be answering the door.

ME:  Looks like no one’s home.  I guess you should probably leave a note.

HER:  I’m a grownup, you know!  I can take care of this!

ME:

ME:  Well, yeah, except you totally were driving off

ME:  …And that was pretty squirrelly.

(I really did say this.)

By now, the girl looked like she wanted to punch me in the face.  Undeterred, I asked if I could get her name and number, just in case.

HER:  WHY WOULD YOU NEED MY NAME AND NUMBER??!

ME:  Er.  Well, you’d need a witness, right?

HER:  WHY WOULD I NEED A WITNESS IF I WAS THE ONE TELLING THEM I BACKED INTO THEIR CAR??  I CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS!  I’M A GROWN-UP!

ME:

I got in my car and drove off, never knowing if she left a note or got in contact with them.  I’m sure she did. Absolutely sure.

I was so sure, in fact, that when I got to work I emailed the SLC police department with the story and pics of the license plates.

(Told you I didn’t like shenanigans.)

On a side note:  If you live on 200 N in the SLC avenues and your bumper’s been mooshed and no one left a note or anything…you might wanna get in touch.

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Shenanigans was originally published on Story Monster

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(More) Spider Stories

**WARNING**  This blog post features extremely disturbing images, most of which have 8 legs.  Read at your own risk.

I like to think that I’m an independent, strong woman

but obviously I’m not, because every time I see a spider

I about lose my cookies

Spiders are the reason I keep a blowtorch in every room of my house.  You can never be too prepared.

I don’t know what it is about spiders and funny-shaped bugs, but I just…I just can’t.  I know I’m not the only girl who feels this way, either.  I had a friend stationed in the Middle East, and she was tough, knew how to drive over bombs and shoot a rifle but she could not handle the camel spiders.

Camel spiders:

Gak gak gak…I can’t even look at that picture

She said sometimes they’d be taking a shower and discover one in the folds of the curtain.

ME:  EEP!  What did you do???

HER:  Um, we usually got one of the guys to take care of it.

Oh.

Maybe it’s written in our DNA.  I come from tough stock–pioneer stock–and back then, they lived in dugouts.

Actually it was probably closer to this:

Anyway a dugout was a shelter dug out from the hillside.  The women never complained about the dirt, or the cold or ever the bugs.

But they did complain about the spiders.  They hated them.

It’s a popular mantra to say that if women ruled the world, we’d have World Peace™, but everyone leaves out this disturbing fact: if women ruled the world, the enemy would probably engage in spider warfare.

And let’s be honest is that really worth it.

Storytime.

I live next to the Great Salt Lake, and there’s a giant, barren island in the middle of it, connected by a 7-mile causeway.

It’s name is “Spider Island”

Ok on the map it’s name is actually Antelope Island but as far as I’m aware antelopes don’t actually live there.

But spiders do.  So, so many spiders.Giant spiders.  I make this not up.  Back when I was young and innocent, I visited it.  Once.  Once was enough.

The reason:  Spiders were EVERYWHERE.  We went to the visitors center, and it was encased in spiderwebs.

See, and that might be ok if it was just the outside that had spiders, but the inside of the place was even more spiderific.

Webs stretched from the ceiling to the floor all down the hall.  Several giant spiders perched on each, staring hungrily at me with each of their 8 eyes.  It was like entering into a Halloween cocoon of nightmares.  But worse because this was real.

The guy who worked in the gift shop tried to make me feel better about this.

HIM:  Don’t you worry, they’re harmless, they won’t hurt you.

ME:

HIM:  We just cup them in our hands and let them free outside.

ME:

HIM:  They come back in, of course.  The birds won’t eat them, so mmmfmffmm–

Conclusion:  I never went back.

I was telling my friend Kristin about this experience, and she had a Spider Island story too!

She was out hiking the island with a friend

And she walked by a bush, and the bush moved.

Upon closer inspection she saw that the bush was moving.  Moving

BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY SPIDERS INSIDE IT

Then she looked out over the landscape

And in the glimmer of the setting sun over the Great Salt Lake, swaths of web glistened over all the sagebrush, a glittering expanse of silver sheen.

And then she looked down at the trail

And she saw this:

I am sorry, guys.  I am so, so sorry.

Obviously she couldn’t go ahead or go back, but thankfully…her friend came to the rescue.

HIM:  Ok, how about I run down the trail and scare them all away and then you run right after!

And that’s just what they did.

That’s how you know you have a true friend.

Addendum:  Please don’t let these horrible stories stop you from visiting  ̷S̷p̷i̷d̷e̷r̷ ̷I̷s̷l̷a̷n̷d̷  Antelope Island, A Fun Vacation Place For The Family, Much Hiking, Biking, Sagebrush, Buffalo, Fragrant Salt Lake Smell, And Don’t Forget To Bring A Boiled Egg For Some Exciting Science Experiments™

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(More) Spider Stories was originally published on Story Monster

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#ParentFail

Last week, a few of my buddies were talking about their #ParentFails.

#ParentFails are when you totally blow it as a parent.  Not in a bad way; not like you’re leaving your kids to become a tennis pro or anything.  Just in tiny little ways.  Like leaving the mayo out overnight and your kid eats a sandwich the next day and gets sick.  Or you leave the bathroom door open and your 18-month old starts playing the toilet.  You know, death by a thousand paper cuts that your kids will probably blame you for years later.

Heh heh heh.

I think #ParentFails are hilarious.  Probably because I’m not a parent.

Here’s Travis’s story:

Travis went on a scouting trip with his son a couple of years ago.

They don’t go camping often because it’s camping, but he at least knew how to set up camp so when they got to the campground, he began building the tent and putting his son to work.

His son had the job of lighting the fire.  Travis gave him a box of matches of let him at it.

For a minute, his son just stared at the box.

Then he took a match out, and touched it, very gently, to the sandpaper on the side.

When that didn’t work, he s-l-o-w-l-y stroked the sandpaper with the head of the match, almost caressing it.

That didn’t work either.

It was getting kind of cold out and Travis was like

And his son broke down.

That was when Travis realized that he was a terrible parent.

He had never let his son play with matches.

I have this awesome get-rich-quick idea (another one!) that would totally solve this kind of situation.    Call it a “Real Life” playground, if you will.  Put kids in a supervised open area with grown-up things like appliances, boxes of snakes, inflatable pools full of broken glass, and let them have at it.  Important lessons Will Be Learned. The moment one of them loses an eye or realizes drain-o actually *isn’t* safe to drink, they’ll be safely on the way to the hospital.

(Kids pretty much do this anyway so this is actually *less* dangerous than otherwise.)

I’m totally starting a gofundme.

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#ParentFail was originally published on Story Monster

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PDG Christmas

Boy am I ready for this year to be over.

2016 has been lame.  Real lame.  Everyone I know agrees that this year has been a PDC* year.

*PDC = Pretty Darn Crummy

G’bye, stupid year.

For me, I lost my job which is fine but I also lost my sister, which was not fine.

(Last week I was visiting a friend, and her husband mentioned):

And I was like:

Poor guy.

Frankly I don’t know how old people do it.  Everybody they know is dying all the time.  That has to be the worst.  How do you do it, old people???!?!?

I think it’s because old people have had really hard lives.  They essentially grew up selling matches in alleyways like this:

And that gives you GRIT.

If you don’t believe me…ask your grandma or grandpa what their Christmas was like.  They’ll tell you.  Oh, they will tell you, and suddenly you’ll feel like a PBW*.

*Pretty Big Whiner

All I had to do was ask my coworkers about their grandparents’ Christmas.  Bryan told me his.

So Bryan’s grandpa grew up in New York, poor.  Real poor.  They were in fact so poor, they couldn’t afford a Christmas tree one year.

But they did have a green chair.

So they put the chair in a corner and decorated it.

Merry Christmas.

(This kind of puts the Charlie Brown Christmas tree to shame, right?  Not even a little love is going to make this less pathetic.)

My other coworker (also named Bryan, we call him “Other Bryan”) had a story about his grandpa, too.

This isn’t even a joke.

Bryan’s great-grandfather worked in East Tennessee, in the coal railyards.  In the late ’30s/early ’40s, work was pretty scarce because a lot of the coal miners were on strike, so money was super tight for their family.

But then the war happened and coal was in high demand, and his great-grandfather worked extra shifts and overtime, getting the coal moving.

Now his great-grandfather had been a warm, kind man until his 12-year-old daughter had died of meningitis, and that kind of changed him.  He was cranky and mean for the rest of his life.  His kids used to climb trees to avoid him.

But that year, 1942, Bryan’s grandpa wouldn’t let his dad’s crabbiness get to him because he knew that his dad had been working extra, and had $50 dollars.  A fortune back then!  He knew this Christmas was going to be…swell.

…Until he discovered that his father spent the entire $50 dollars on garden fertilizer from a man named B.S. Bradley.

(I’ll let you guess what the B.S. stands for.  Heh heh.)

For the rest of his life, Bryan’s grandpa would tell everyone how he only got a giant pile of poo for Christmas.

Sad.

(Kinda.)

That’s not exactly the whole story.

After asking other relatives, and even looking up the East Tennessee census, Bryan discovered that B.S. Bradley had been unemployed for a while.  He and his five little kids lived in a tiny home with broken windows, which they boarded up every winter to keep the freezing wind out.  His great-grandfather was adamant about getting the fertilizer before Christmas.

So I guess his great-grandfather still did have a warm heart.

(Apparently their garden that next year was pretty awesome, too.)

Here’s one from my own family.

My mom grew up PDP*.  Her dad had type I diabetes and was often sick.  Her mom–who had never graduated high school–raised 9 kids while working any job she could to support a family.

*Pretty Darn Poor

(And my grandma is a HARD WORKER.  She does not slow down…I want to be like her one day.)

My mom said it would get so cold in the house, she would sometimes lie in bed and blow out to see her breath.

She also remembered how my grandma would cry, after collectors called.  (And they were always calling.)

They had it rough.

But there was a family who lived up Spanish Fork canyon, the Pratt’s, who had it even rougher than my mom’s family.

They had thirteen kids and the dad had been out of work for a while, and they had nothing.  There was no way they’d be able to have Christmas that year.

Until…

My mom’s family, the Boekweg’s, showed up at their door.  Each of their kids had a small wrapped present for every one of the Pratt kids.

Somehow my grandma had manage to scrape together enough money to give a Christmas to the Pratt’s.  It probably meant her own family would be without Christmas.  But they gave it anyway.

I only know this story because when I lived in Orem, I ended up in the same ward as Sister Pratt!  She told me–with tears in her eyes–how much that meant to her, even years later.

I guess that explains why my mom is the most selfless person I know!

We’re pretty spoiled.

I guess I can’t be too down on 2016.  I sit in my warm house and look at my tree, think about my cupboards full of food, the clothes I have, my friends and family, and I feel PDG.

(Pretty Darn Grateful)

Congratulations to the Nutcracker winners!  (And thank you, everyone, for your kind comments!  I know I’m lame at responding, but I read every single one of them and feel honored :)

The winners are:  Charissa, Bill Giles, and Janet!  WOOOO!!  Congratulations, guys!  I’ll be sending you your Nutcracker prints right away!

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PDG Christmas was originally published on Story Monster

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Mad about Moana

Have you guys seen Moana yet?  Did you love it??

I did.  I watched it and I BAWLED.  Wasn’t it so good?

(Admittedly, I’m biased.  I was story lead on the Disney Infinity Moana playset!)

Aren’t they so cute?  AREN’T THEY???

They are.

There were a lot of great experiences I had while working on the playset, but one of them was flying out to Burbank and working with Ron Clements and John Musker, the directors of the movie.

(That’s them.)

The cool thing about this–for me–was that when I was a kid the movie “Hercules” came out and I loved it so much I became obsessed which some of you jr. high & high school friends reading this might have remembered and is a detail we don’t need to go into

Except to say that my parents gave me an “Art of Hercules” book and in there I learned all about the directors Ron Clements and John Musker and found out what storyboarding was…and I resolved then and there I’d become a storyboard artist when I grew up and one day work with these directors (and I’m not just saying that–I really did.)

So when they walked into our first meeting I was like

I played it “cool” though and I’m sure they didn’t even notice me

Well…maybe not.

Anyway, that was the first of a series of meetings and story development on a great, fun game.

You might be wondering, “I haven’t seen any of the Moana game figures or anything!”

You’d be right.  Just when we were about to record the cinematics audio…everyone in the studio was brought together, and told that we were shutting down and to pack up our stuff and move on.  Disney Infinity was cancelled.

Bummer.

It wasn’t a great moment but

✧･: *✧･:* That’s the Biz! *:･✧*･:✧

Even though the game was cancelled (and it was an AWESOME game, StudioGobo (the studio we were contracting with) was really making some beautiful stuff)…I’m still really grateful I had a chance to work on it.  On to the next big adventure ^_^

Here’s the intro animatic I created for the game, which was a fun challenge–we had to keep it short & low on assets for live render purposes.  We had the idea of telling the intro narration on a tapa cloth tapestry, which would then be created in 3D to look flat and textured.  Needless to say, it was gnarly fun and I’m glad I can now share it.

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Mad about Moana was originally published on Story Monster

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How to Sell a TV Stand

A few weeks ago, I ordered furniture online.

This was a really stupid idea, because I can’t put things together.  Unfortunately that didn’t stop me and the box arrived on my porch.  There were so many pieces inside, it sounded like a giant box of legos.  I was a little disappointed it wasn’t.  Haha.

Because misery loves company, I invited my little sister over (the Taylor Swift one) to help.  She knows as much about assembling furniture as I do, which was:

STEP 1:  Get a screwdriver.  (THE POWER!!)

STEP 2:  Read the instructions.

STEP 3:  Cry.

By the end of 3 (frustrating) hours, it was pretty clear we would never get this TV stand together.  I still have no idea how to get those glass doors in.

I also (stupidly) did not measure the space I wanted to put it in…so imagine my surprise when it turned out to be half as big as I expected.  My face was:  |:-{

Hours of banging a hammer against it produced no results (it remained the same size), so I did what any sane person would do:  I decided the sell the stupid thing and get it out of my life.

I posted it on KSL.com.

I knew that not a lot of people would be in the market for a badly-put-together TV stand, so I…*cough cough*…jazzed it up a little.

Here it is.

Hahaha.  It was dumb and silly and a lot of fun, and took about as long to write as it sounds.  My family got a big kick out of it and my sister shared it on facebook.

…and then other people started sharing it on facebook…

And before I knew it, the thing had thousands of views!  It went viral!  Both my alma mater’s newspaper (good o’ BYU!) and KSL picked up on the ad and after some quick interviews, my TV stand was in the papers!

The ad really went viral then!  My phone rang crazy off the hook.  This was the dumb thing I hadn’t thought of…my actual phone number was listed on the ad.

Here’s a sample of some of the calls:

###-####:  Oh my gosh, that was the funniest ad!  We’re totally reading it at the office over here!  Hilarious! Me:  Hahah!  Thanks!  Would you like to buy it? ###-####:  Hahaha!  No!  No one buys TV stands anymore, lol!

  Overstock called.

OVERSTOCK:  Oh my gosh, we are so, so so sorry…

They offered a partial refund, which of course I didn’t take.  It’s not their fault I’m a dummy.

  And another:

###-####:  (gruff voice)  Hi.  I saw your ad on KSL! ME:  Aw yesss! ###-####:  I’m not actually interested in buying it, but…I am single. ME:  Oh.  Oh my.  Um.  Oh my!  *cough cough*

Most of the calls were this, which makes sense, as it reads like a huge, desperate singles ad, because I’m a huge, desperate, lonely spinster so…go figure.  I got a lot of creepy calls lol.

The correct answer is: Peppered.  Because I like REAL MEN!

Oddly enough, even though I soundly made fun of all the candidates, only the angry Bernie Sanders people got in touch.

BERNIE SANDERS FAN:  You are totally wrong about Bernie Sanders and I thought your ad was immature and stupid.  I hope you enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, you immature child. ME:  Oh yeah???!?  Well you’re just a poopy head!

(I didn’t actually respond with that…I just really, really wanted to.)

    In 1 hour, the ad had gotten over 300,000 views, and I was overwhelmed with all the attention, so  I marked the ad as “sold”…which removed the picture.  It immediately quit going viral…but I was ok with that.  The views tapered off, and I think the final count was around 330k.

One thing I didn’t expect at all was how many companies called.  I had several furniture companies call, including RC Willey, and offer a free already-put-together TV stand (which was very sweet of them!)  Also, (lololol) a beef jerky company hahaha.  I knew they were thinking of a mention on this blog (which was awesome and flattering!) but as I don’t have a huge readership and I’m conflicted about monetizing anything, I was just grateful for their kindness ^_^

In the meantime, my sweet neighbor saw the ad on Facebook and bought it.  The TV-Stand Drama had a happy ending :)

I still haven’t bought another TV stand, so I spend my evenings staring at a blank wall.

Which is almost just as entertaining ^_^

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How to Sell a TV Stand was originally published on Story Monster

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Spider Season

Mother’s Day is good every year, but this year it was especially good because we got to Skype my little brother.  Adam is serving an LDS mission in Iquitos, Peru, teaching the gospel, helping the people there, cleaning houses with machetes…(this really did happen.)  We don’t get to chat with him much–just one email a week–but on Christmas and Mother’s Day, we get an hour to talk and he tells us how he’s doing and goes on about how awesome Mom is and, on the whole, makes the rest of us look bad.

This is a picture of him, burning a shirt on his halfway-through-the-mission day. (This is a missionary tradition.)

This is a picture of the fire quickly getting out of control.

He looks a little creepy in those, so here is a better picture of him.  Or at least, a picture of him where he’s not the creeper.

On a sad note, Adam’s been pretty sick lately with a mysterious fever.

They thought it was the dengue (jungle fever) but the tests came back negative.  Then they thought it was a disease spread by a feral cat.  (Adam has a thing for cute little animals…he was in the middle of digging a ditch, and stopped to play with a nearby kitten.)

The kitten was, actually, diseased.  And feral.

But the sickness wasn’t from the cat, either.

They finally found out what it was…

…it was…

TYPHOID FEVER.

Thankfully, antibiotics cure this (he’s feeling better already!).

I’m totally getting this t-shirt for him for his birthday:

He was pretty much better by the time we chatted on Mom’s Day.

We also got to talk to my sister, who’s just started a mission in Holland!  Here’s a picture of her with a stroopwaffle (whatever that is):

She had interesting things to say, too…

I guess spiders are a problem there.

She says the spiders are so bad there, they have something called “Spider Season.” (September-October.)  Millions of spiders come out and spin webs EVERYWHERE.

Last Spider Season, two missionaries were knocking on doors.

One guy didn’t want them around.

So he

(rip)

THREW SPIDERS AT THEM!!!!

WHY??  WHY??  WHY WOULD ANYONE DO SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE???

Let me warn you, you people in Europe who are reading this blog.  I am a mostly nice person.  But if you throw spiders at my sister, I will find you.

I MEAN THIS.

Anyway, why would you want to throw spiders at missionaries?  Most spiders aren’t even deadly.  If you really don’t like missionaries…there are way more effective things to throw at them.

*looks both ways*

 Listen.  I’m gonna clue you in on a few Mormon secrets.   But you have to PROMISE that what you read on this blog stays on this blog.  Ok?

Ok.  Here goes.  THINGS YOU SHOULD THROW AT MORMON MISSIONARIES.

Thing #1:  $20 bills.

Take a few thousand out of your bank account and keep it by your door, just in case you hear them knock.  Then, THROW.  It may look like they’re grinning big and stuffing them into their pockets, but $20 bills are made of filthy lucre.

It will slowly melt the flesh offa those squeaky clean missionaries.  Trust me, you throw $20 bills at them, and the next morning, they will look like this:

(Side note:  Mormons always sleep with their Sunday clothes on, no exceptions.  If you see a Mormon sleeping in pajamas, you’ll know that they’re a BAD MORMON.)

Thing #2: Fudge.

Fudge is especially toxic to missionaries.  Is it not written “He who defileth his flesh with the tender goodness of fudge shall surely not entereth into heaven?  Especially rocky roadeth flavors and raspberry sea salteth?”  There’s a special place in outer darkness for missionaries who eat raspberry sea salt fudge, it’s a theological no-no.  Just so you’re aware.

(Be sure to cut them up into bite-sized cubes (about 2″ x 2″ though 1″ x 1″ is acceptable as well, I suppose.)

Thing #3:  Pillow Pets.

Because Pillow Pets are not good for anyone.

Thing #4:  Rocks.

But only if the rocks look like this:

Of course, you’ll be able to throw them much further if they’re set in 24 carat gold or possibly platinum.  It makes them quite a bit more aerodynamic.  Here is a scientific graph to illustrate what I mean.

This isn’t just effective on missionaries, you can also throw them at regular Mormons.  Like me.  Mostly me.  Only me.  Feel free to throw this stuff at me anytime.

(I like pearls.)

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Spider Season was originally published on Story Monster

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Kids Do the Darndest Things (+ coloring contest results!)

My mom read last week’s blog post, and reminisced upon a tale of a teeter totter, giant cacti, and my older brother Tom (3 years old at the time).

When I was 2, we lived in Tucson, Arizona.  I don’t remember much except that the spiders were HUGE.  (You don’t forget things like that.)  But mom said there was a teeter-totter in the backyard, which I imagine looked like this:

One day Tom was playing on the teeter-totter

and got his leg twisted beneath it.

He had a good cry, and then refused to walk after that.  Mom had to carry him everywhere.

For a week she carried him, and then worried that he might have actually broken his leg, she took him to the doctor.

The doctor looked at Tom’s leg, then went to his drawer

where he pulled out an uninflated balloon.  (Hahaha.  Those were the days.)

He said:

You guessed it.

I hear kids will do this to you your WHOLE LIFE.

  Thank you so much, everyone, for entering the Mary Poppins coloring contest!  There were some beautiful (and very creative) entries.  My coworkers here at Disney Interactive were kind enough to make a decision:

Ages 0-11: 1st place –  Leong Ton Yan Honorable Mentions –  Lucy S. & Anna Stein

Ages 12-19: 1st Place – Annie Anderson Honorable Mentions – Vivian Vriend & Ruth

Ages 20+: 1st Place – Dale McCarthy Honorable Mentions – Elizabeth Muennich & Patrice

We have a bonus honorable mention at the end for Chad Jemmett, everyone loved the Tim Burton-esque Mary Poppins.

I loved seeing so many different takes on Mary Poppins…we MUST do this again soon!

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Kids Do the Darndest Things (+ coloring contest results!) was originally published on Story Monster