Back and To the Future: Castiel
A continuation of episode 15x01 of Supernatural. All characters belong to Eric Kripke. I do not own anything, having to do with the CW, Supernatural, its characters, the WB, etc. Fan Fic. No profit is to be made from this little ism...purely for enjoyment....kind of.
Castiel’s throat catches, the inside of his chest tightenening as Dean coldly turns a shoulder and walks away. Belphegor is saying something, but all sound seems to muffle into a steady hum. Not caring to plead forgiveness on deaf ears, Castiel heads off in the opposite direction, to think...to not think...to attempt one more time, if possible...if God really has left, for good, maybe this time...
With his angel blade resting at his wrist, Castiel finds sanctuary in a nearby stretch of woods. Knowing he won’t be missed for the time it would take the Winchesters to tie loose ends with the locals, the demon in tow not even crossing his mind, Cas goes deeper into the woods not really seeing anything ahead of him, not feeling more than he’d ever allow himself to.
When he reaches a clearing, he suddenly collapses, crushing himself against the dirt. His blade falls out of his right sleeve and lands next to a nearby tree, but Castiel doesn’t notice, distracted from the tears streaming down his face. He struggles to suppress the pain, the anguish....Shaking so hard so he’s unable to stand, to get back up.
Instead, Castiel props himself up against a tree, hoping the spell will pass soon. While he’s never felt to be truly of any use to Dean or Sam, Castiel knows that his absence on the point of their departure from the scene would cause annoyance and frustration. Would hold them back, slow them down...again. He closes his eyes and starts to pray.
Jack...Jack, please...forgive me. If you can hear me, I’m sorry. Everything that you’ve suffered, was because of me, and I’m sorry. Please. I love you, Jack.
Castiel takes deep breaths. His time on earth has been a blessing just as much as a hindrance, over the years. Siding with the Winchesters has meant not being able to access the power an angel could obtain from heaven, while occupying it’s halls. Not absolutely banned from heaven, Naomi has made it clear that a permanent presence would cause unrest amongst the few remaining angels, who proudly call heaven their home. Her believing Castiel would disregard duty and regulations to visit Kelly Kline....or Mary Winchester. Disrupting their heaven.
Mary....I killed you. I failed you and your family. Yet Dean refuses to do what needs to be done. He refuses to do what I’m incapable of......
Castiel’s breathing is labored. Still shaking...Dean. Please...
The tears flowing harder now, Castiel leans back against the tree and finally makes up his mind.
Now, he thinks to himself. Just do it now!
Without hesitating, he attempts to draw his angel blade with his right hand, from his trench coat. It’s not there. Castiel’s eyes fly open. No! He pats himself, sits upright and takes off his coat, searching both sleeves. Where is it!?
NO! he cries. This has to end, now!!! Please!!!! I can't anymore...!
Castiel! Sam’s voice can be heard, nearing. Cas angrily grabs his coat and puts it back on, standing up, just as Sam breaks through the trees and into the clearing.
Sam: Cas! Hey! What are you doing?
Castiel straightens his coat, his back to Sam as he says I thought I heard something. Quickly wiping the tears off his face, he turns around. The look on Sam’s face is pained...He’s been crying, Sam thinks to himself. Trying to sound casual..
Sam: Uh, Dean and I are ready to head out. Are...are you okay?
Castiel:.. I’m fine. Then after several beats. Please don’t ask me what I was really about to do. Don’t tell Dean you found me crying.
Sam looks taken aback, then sighs, knowing that this was coming. Knowing that they were all walking on thin ice. Not saying anything else, both start to head back to the impala.
Cas: I’ve lost my angel blade.
Sam: We have more in the trunk. You can take one of those. And also Cas...he stops walking, a moment. Thank you, for what you did. For saving my... Castiel turns on Sam, abruptly.
Cas: Don’t. Ever. Thank me. For ANYTHING I do.
The sun setting, neither see the glimmer of light shining off of the angel blade, just a few feet away.
