I wish someone was here
Like I'm seriously debating on either texting one of my guy friends or someone else to come over and just hug me. I feel like I'm too emotional to be alone right now.
Talking to my sister about our family problems reminds me why I lean more towards a friends with benefits than trying to find an actual relationship. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m awkward as shit, so I don’t have tons of guys I hook up with or rotate. I actually only have one guy I’ve been back & forth with for like two years or so, C.
But I’d rather think about running to him and picturing us hooking up because I invited him over vs. me actually having a boyfriend to call during times like these.
Now I know I’ve touched on my parents before, but seriously, their marriage fucked me up. So I learned later in life, that they both cheated and lied and abused each other the entire time they were together.
And I know that most marriages end in divorce or that they’re ridiculously common or whatever, but I hide my emotions and I suppress everything. So I am currently blogging and crying about my feelings instead of running downstairs in my underwear to get a wine bottle, like I really want to, but that would be me trying to suppress my feelings. And I’m working slowly on being more outspoken, especially about my feelings and what I want.
So anyways, I just really want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me things are going to be okay. And I know I post that a lot, but I’m being serious. I’m to the point in my life where I’m covered by a fog because I can’t figure anything out, and I just want some sort of reassurance that I’m doing okay in life. That I mean something to someone. That someone cares and wants me to be okay. And I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward with their life and I’m stuck at a standstill because I’m too scared to move forward and let go of the past.
A big part of me wants to quit everything and rent a shack in the forest and wake up and drink coffee and write until I can figure stuff out. But I’m too scared as o right now, so I’m putting that to the side. Plus it would get lonely and I would probably starve, but that’s besides the point.
Actually, this post doesn’t really have a purpose other than trying to get my emotions on the table instead of drinking wine in bed.
I do have a minor update for my life though, I did start looking at my local community college and looking up degrees in writing because I’ve always really liked writing. So if I’m going to be single forever, I might as well be successful, or do something I’m really happy with doing every single day.
Alright I feel much better but I do need to run and get some Oreos while I watch my favorite movie at the moment (Stuck in Love, and seriously, watch it if you haven’t)
Goodbye for today,
-D