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Stupid Things I’ve Regretted Saying Almost Immediately

I’ll come in and finish it on Sunday...or really early on Monday.

I don’t need this job, your money, your love and support, or this house to live in!

If someone would just give me a chance, I’d destroy the stage.

They will never make a Batman movie better than Batman Forever.

I love you too.

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Things That Make Me Feel Good

Exercising for 4 minutes then enjoying a full pint of Ben & Jerry’s

When you touch me there, darlin’

When the hero of a movie chooses to sacrifice his life, but then is surprised that he lives, because I know this will happen to me someday

Watching others succeed when I feel I can take some tangential credit for it

Bustin’

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Can We All Get On The Same Page About These Unisex Uniforms?

Hello, Citizen-Wives and Comrade-Husbands of Last Hope Colony! I’d like to congratulate us all on getting the P.A. system up and running.

First order of business, tonight there will be no kale on the menu as it turned out to be sentient.

Second, let’s try to get on the same page about the new uniforms. Now, I realize amidst the dangers that we face on a daily basis that my next point of business may not be high on everyone’s priorities, but it’s really been stuck in my craw for a while. I think for group unity and a sense of civic pride, we really need to adopt a unisex uniform that, for the good of all, we can all feel good about. The Bugmen have been more aggressive lately and I believe that this show of unity would go a long way to make them feel less bold during their raids.

Plus think of how cool it would be! Like all those all sci-fi shows and movies where in the future everyone dressed the same and lived in perfect, happy societies. And that is what we are! A perfect, happy society. We should accept that it and let the world (such as it is) know. I realize the younger members of our colony don’t remember films and television, but imagine one of the talent shows that we put up in the square, but with well-fed and beautiful people portraying a hopeful and meaningful future.

Now, I’ve heard some criticism of the designs I proposed. Mostly women concerned about losing their femininity and sexual appeal. Where was this attitude when I proposed the gene pool-enhancing orgies? Nobody seemed as sexually voracious when I floated that proposal, but whatever.

And of course, I’ve heard plenty of complaints about the few, sparse modifications I proposed for my uniform. They are really barely worth mentioning, but it seems to have upset some of you. But as Supreme Commander of New Hope, I feel like a little bit of gold piping and two-foot tall ribbed collar are not particularly ostentatious. And the armor plating is just practical. And I would don my uniform with the utmost pride of the awesome responsibility I have taken on as leader of this colony.

I will consider alternative design proposals for the next four days. At the end of the four days, there will be a colony-wide vote and then I will choose a winning design. The uniforms must be completed in seven days in time for Terrence Appreciation Day. I expect to be in full uniform for the parade when I’m carried down the street in the Colony Command Throne. And then I will proudly raise my scepter towards the heavens where the sun once shone and declare for all to hear “I AM TERRENCE! FEAR HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME!” Then you may each kiss my ring finger in turn.

So...that should be a fun day.

Finally, we will be having a service for Tucker at 1400 hours. Jenny, I am so sorry for your loss.

For the Good of All, this has been Terrence: Supreme Commander and Leader of The New Society Trust at Last Hope Colony (and Sovereign Master of our new friends, the Kale-iens). Everyone have a wonderful and safe day. Signing off.

#morehappypeople #myound #lasthopecolony

Bit City Nerd-Off

In which Bit City contributors determine who's nerdiest.

Wonak: In fourth grade, I decided I wanted to design a brand-new haircut. I drew a picture of what I wanted so the hairdresser would know. In retrospect, I've realized I "invented" the mullet. My mom said I looked so much older with that haircut.

Young: When I was seven or so, I stuck a pair scissors in an electrical wall outlet. I wanted to plug into a computer like R2-D2. Sparks immediately started flying out and I swatted it out (if I'd grabbed it, I'd probably be dead). All the power in our house went out. My dad flipped the breaker to get power back on and he could tell that I'd done something but he couldn't figure out what.

Wonak: My senior year of high school, I was drum major of the marching band, co-captain of the forensics team, and president of the thespian society.

Young: In college I made a Robin costume (as in Batman &) and a Speed Racer costume. In college.

Trupe: In high school, I bought black suspenders and painted a white checkerboard pattern on them because I loved ska. I also made matching shoes by painting white patches on a pair of black Payless wingtips. The paint came off immediately.

Wilson: In high school I bought a Star Wars novel in hardback because I just couldn't wait.

Young: I once fell asleep watching a VHS tape that had all three of the original Star Wars movies recorded on them. I fell asleep during Empire and woke up towards the end of Jedi when Luke was taking off Vader's mask. I started to cry a little and thought "That's his dad."

#wonak #morehappypeople #miw #tamalehawk

Watch Doctor Who...Or This Relationship Is Doomed

Jenny, though I suspect it’ll never work, I have to make this one last ditch effort to convince you to watch the new relaunch of Doctor Who. I don’t want to have to break up with you, but I will. A lot of people are nostalgic about the old version and it has some interesting ideas, but I was never into it either! But you have to give the 2005 relaunch a shot. Don’t walk into the kitchen while I’m talking to you! Well, it’s about an alien, he’s a Time Lord. No, that’s the name of his race. They are from the planet Gallifrey, but they...Yeah, that name is dumb, but at its heart it’s about a man who is travelling through space and time and going "This is amazing! Life is amazing and beautiful and magical!" It’s infectious. What? I don’t care what Julie thought! She thinks The Big Bang Theory is hilarious. You have better taste than Julie. Her taste sucks. I mean, she married Frederick. That guy's a dink. You know who isn't a dink? Christopher Eccleston as the 9th Doctor. And Matt Smith as the 11th. It gets a little too cutesy in the last season, but overall it’s still worth watching it all. But the David Tennant run? The Tenth Doctor? Wow. His whole arc is amazing. Oh, they all play The Doctor. Um...because he regenerates. Because he does! Look, it makes sense if you just watch. Any sci-fi or fantasy show is going to sound stupid if I sit here and try to explain it to you. Look, you liked Firefly, right? Remember how you fought watching that? And this show...it’s a huge, epic, romantic adventure. And it’s funny and charming. The world needs characters and stories that inspire us instead of being ugly reminders of... It’s all on Netflix. It’s not like I’m going to spend a bunch of money buying the discs. GOD, I HATE IT WHEN YOU ACT LIKE YOUR MOM. YOU AREN’T YOUR MOTHER. YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS. I’m packing up my PS3 and going to Phil’s. Look, I love you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You want to know the second best thing? Watching The Doctor outsmart The Master. And the Daleks. And the Cybermen. And those creepy stone angels. And watching him save Rose Tyler. And meet Vincent Van Gogh. I cried. I straight up cried, lover. Ugh. Fine. Fine. I’ll watch Friday Night Lights as a trade off. But I won’t like it.

#morehappypeople #mattyoung #monologue

Metamorphoses You’d Like To Experience Just Once Before You Die

Wolf

Multiple Races Of People

Jet That Can Fly In Outer Space

Being Of Pure Energy

Insert Your Name the White

#list #morehappypeople

Top 5 Best Ways To Enrage The Undead

Wafting the tantalizing odor of blood their way

Continuing to regard the laws and mores of society

Listening to Daft Punk at 3 a.m. in your studio apartment