#mouseman rambles

[mouseparker]

soooo i ended up quitting my barista job. my last day is on the 27th.

it's incredibly bittersweet... like i've been at this job for years and i truly do love it, i just don't love how it treats my mind and body. coffee is a huge passion of mine and working in the industry had its highs and lows, but it's time to move on to better things... i start close to full time at the jewellery and pottery store in june. i'm really excited about being there and i've been really pushing myself to learn new things to help me excel at the job. also, i have a smoking quit date - the 29th ! that should be a weight off my shoulders as well...

[mouseparker]

didn't have enough for my coffee at the hospital cafeteria this morning and a security guard bought it for me. it was a small gesture but it meant so, so much to me. i got all teary and he wished me luck with treatment. the world is a kind place sometimes even though it doesn't always seem like it.

[mouseparker]

my time at the coffee shop is officially over

my last day sucked. it was slow so my coworker offered to let me go home early, which i did. then they asked me to come back and i said no because like... it was my last day anyway and i had already settled in at my place, i really didn't feel like going back. they guilted me really hard about it and i felt horrible. call me overly sensitive but i ended up having a really bad anxiety attack after some of the things they said to me to make me feel bad about leaving. i'm just so glad i'm out of such a toxic workplace. for so many reasons, it was not an ideal place to work. like i said before i love coffee and i love being a barista, but the job just doesn't love me back... i've started going to the other coffee shop in town for my morning cup. it's definitely a different vibe and to be completely honest their coffee is nowhere near as good (they don't even weigh their doses, eugh) but i'd rather do that than keep going to the shop where i used to work. also, once i get my home espresso bar up and running again i can just make my coffee at home :D anyway, i start my new hours at the new job on friday and i'm stoked about it. i'm so excited to have energy again and not have the life sucked out of me after every shift. most of all, i'm looking forward to having it in me to do art again !!

[mouseparker]

seriously considering leaving my barista job after 3 years...

at the risk of sounding weak, i just can't continue to handle the massive workload and the rushes alone. it physically and mentally exhausts me and i feel like i have to spend every free moment recovering for the next shift. i'm just so tired after being overworked for years. i'm burnt the hell out.

i have another gig lined up, in retail & jewellery sales. it's still a job and requires work, but it's not physically strenuous or nearly as mentally draining. i talked to the boss there yesterday and i'm going to be put on the schedule frequently starting next month. i'm thinking on kinda "soft quitting" by limiting my availability to one day a week at the coffee shop while i get settled in to my new job.

i love the coffee shop - i've been going there since the day the doors opened in 2015 and been working hard there for 3 solid years. i always dreamed of coffee as my career but there's just no opportunity for upward mobility at the shop. i love being a barista - i love the people and i love coffee, but it's all just becoming too much for me to handle. i'm tired of being tired all the time.

on to bigger and better things i guess.

[mouseparker]

i really want to make friends in the scene... this tiny town is so lonely. can't wait until i can drive so i can go to the city and attend live music and events and meet people who love and value the same things i do.

i was thinking about trying to start a group in my local area for emos my age, maybe put up some flyers or facebook posts or something. i just really want to be involved with other people who are also in the subculture.

[mouseparker]

i love love love music and bands and artists and collecting vinyl and merch and it's a huge part of my life but like... i get completely gut-wrenching anxiety about it ?

i dunno, maybe it's the moral scrupulousness brainrot getting to me but i just. don't know these people. the uncertainty if they're not good people or have done bad things that haven't come to light yet eats me alive. i have this irrational fear that everyone but me knows stuff about the things i like and that they're "secretly bad." there's just too many times band members and artists have turned out to be horrible that i can't feel secure in my interests and being this involved with music as a part of my life makes me feel guilty sometimes.

i want to enjoy the music i like carefree and wear band tees and share my interests with others, but this angst about it all just makes it so hard.

[mouseparker]

i know i kinda just cut my hair but like. i can't wait to grow it back out and get my big ol emo bangs back

[mouseparker]

articulating this is kind of difficult but like.

my heart aches for the times before whatever this is, when i truly loved drawing. when i would draw every day, when i couldn't wait to get home & work on something. when drawing was my everything.

losing myself on the page & entering the flow state.

i can't imagine a more deeply fulfilling experience than that. for whatever reason, it just feels completely inaccessible to me now. the passion and enjoyment have been sucked out of drawing for me leaving nothing but i-want-to-burn-my-sketchbook-and-snap-my-tablet-over-my-knee frustration. and i don't understand how or why this happened.

fuck it, here's some old art of mine.