I’d Be Terrible in a Haunted House Movie
I always thought that because I grew up on horror films, I’d be OK if my house was haunted.I now realize, that’s completely false. I’d be absolutely terrible living in a haunted house or even in a haunted house movie.
I know this, because of our mouse problem.
For those who haven’t been playing the home game, Saturday night, Aimee spotted a mouse on the first floor. We’ve never seen a mouse in our house before. This sort of thing throws me off, because I like order and predictability in my home - and I want to know that I can relax and not have to worry that a mouse is going to run across my feet while doing so. Think of that as the first ghost sighting. Enough to make your hair stand up on end, and it has you flustered as you don’t know what to do. Do you just sell the damn house? Burn it to the ground? Move into a Tiny Home since you’ve never seen ghosts or mice in a tiny home?
So on Sunday we went and bought a bunch of live mouse traps (we are humane people) and began placing them out in the basement and first floor. Because Mogwai is a middle aged house cat who hasn’t had her shots in a long time, we decided to start having Mogwai sleep in our bedroom with the door closed during this in case she decided to go after one. I don’t need her catching anything if she, well, caught a mouse. So on Sunday, we double checked our live traps, grabbed Mogwai, and went up to bed.
Monday morning, we checked all of our traps. Three of them were set. We were pretty sure two of them were false alarms (the doors close kinda easily when there are vibrations) but the third one - the one from the first floor - was pretty heavy. We were pretty sure there was another ghost sighting. Our first potential capture.I drove to work that morning, two miles away, and released the mouse into the wild. Yes, it was a mouse as we suspected. But we were feeling pretty good. Maybe we only had one ghost.We reset the traps. Bring Mogwai back into the bedroom to be safe. And we go to bed.
The next morning is Tuesday morning. This time, only two traps are set. One, we’re pretty sure is a false alarm. But the other one - this time in the basement - feels like there’s a mouse. Sigh.Once again, I drive to work, get to work, open the trap, and there’s a bashful mouse in it that doesn’t want to come out. That’s two ghosts we’ve captured and gotten rid of.
Our house is now haunted. We’re sure of it. We have a haunted house.We set the traps again last night, gather Mogwai into the bedroom, and go back to sleep, sure that our house is haunted.
We wake up this morning, check the traps, and only one trap has been set. But it feels empty. Just to be safe, I bring it with me when I go to work. I open the trap outside, and realize I was right - there was nothing in there. WE HAVE EXORCIZED THE DEMONS! The mice always come out at night. Like the ghosts. Now I feel like we may have turned the corner - our house is actually ghost-free. Insert overly happy, wistful music here.I come home for a quick lunch, set the trap back, and go back to work. I hit the gym and even Snapchat a mouse emoji-filled post about being a gym rat. I can make that joke because our house is mouse-free.
Get home tonight after the gym, check the basement traps and learn that ... well, I’m living in a haunted house movie. And I was just in Act II. Because Act II is when things look like they may have turned the corner and everything’s going to be all right. Until Act III. When you realize you STILL HAVE FUCKING GHOSTS AND THIS TIME THEY’RE PISSED.
Somewhere between lunch time and when I got back from the gym, another mouse went into the live trap in the basement. During the day. THEY NO LONGER STICK TO THE DARKNESS. THEY TRAVEL BY LIGHT. DEAR GOD, THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I wasn’t prepared for that. I felt pretty dejected. Because now that means we have had at least 3 mice. And that means they’ve come in ... or are coming in from somewhere, and our house didn’t seem like the kind of house to have holes where mice could come in. How many are there? How do I get it taken care of humanely while also making sure we find any and all ways they’re getting in so it stops? When will I be able to comfortably lie around without the fear of these things deciding it’s time to scurry past me?
I went all montage sequence and reset the live traps, Aimee and I also installed under door draft catchers to also block space underneath any doors to try to limit them from coming and going as they please through bedrooms, and I even plugged in a sonar thing that’s supposed to humanely annoy the fucking fuck out of rodents (channeling my inner Negan, there). So we’ll see how that works tonight as once again, we gather Mogwai and prepare to head up to bed for the night ... unsure of what ghost stories await us in the morning.
I will never go to Disney (eff you Mickey Mouse!) and if I did, I definitely wouldn’t go to the Haunted Mansion exhibit at Disney, after this.
