You know what? It's a new day. I've rested, and I'm willing to say that the Cats (2019) fans are right. Cats (2019) is actually a good movie if you just ignore:
The obnoxiously loud "overtune" music that starts off the movie and reminds me of a circus show. It becomes a motif throughout the neverending song that we might call a movie here.
The idea of how frightened Victoria must be in the first scene. She's trapped in this bag, having been forcibly thrown onto rotten wood and other garbage. Then all she can see as she struggles to open- basically- her personalized bodybag, dozens of shadows cloud above you wordlessly
The entire Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats song. It was 5 minutes of hearing the world Jellicle without ever knowing what it means except that Jellicle cats ask wayyyy too many questions
The Fatphobia
The Beatles with human faces scene- we all know why
The cats all drinking milk and then not puking everywhere (thank god) meaning all of the Jellicle cats are actually children so keep that in mind when we get to the:
HORNY CAT RUBBING. And like? It's not even like what real cats do. Real cats actively push parts of their body into your hands if you pet them and stuff but the cats in Cats (2019) just kind of linger with their touches which makes it 100% more sexual than necessary
The music actually never stops. You think a song stops and they'll start talking but nope! It's a song- sucks for you. Even when the songs dip in volume then
The circus music that comes back in whenever there's silence but no circus appears. The circus is actually the theatre itself. You're the clown for attempting to watch this movie
"Did he just get neutered?"
The way the cats eat (?)
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer being kinda trash cat burglars. Like tbh? They didn't even mess up the house that much. Like that's two seconds of picking things up and I didn't even see them leave with anything
The implication of the dog having a human face since all of the other animals do
The way we don't know a single thing about Victoria, who we follow for a large majority of the movie, until half way through the movie.
Ian McKellen (cat form) lapping up liquid in a dark abandoned closet
Old Deuteronomy literally BUSTS open her Ken doll cat pussy to show her approval for Gus's performance
McCavity without his coat. Oh god- please put the coat back on McCavity. I'll make you the jellicle choice- just please don't show me your terrifying fur
Once McCavity takes off his coat every other cat that wasn't wearing a coat before feels noticeably more naked
The fact that none of the cats know that being the jellicle choice actually rebirths you. Like Judi Dench just kinda promises it but there's no proof. For all they know Jennifer Hudson (cat form) just died from asphyxiation and temperature loss
Forcing Mr. Mistofelees to have a weird ship with Victoria instead of letting him be an iconic gay magician cat
Rebel Wilson (cat form) making the unzipping her skin her character quirk
The fact that you have no idea how magic works in this world because uhhhh there was so much singing and "cgi realistic" cats taking up time to set up anything but a single plot point (the jellicle choice) so when Mr. Mistofelees can suddenly teleport things after only doing street magic tricks or when McCavity can suddenly not teleport onto the floating chandelier you have no idea why
"Dogs are not cats"
The whole movie. What I'm saying is that if you just ignore the whole movie- it's uhhhh pretty decent
