#msjdrey

[xxammie]

[msjdrey]

Twenty five: Too Long

It's been too long hasn't it?

So much has happened. I don't even know where to start.

I've been feeling shitty lately because I was about to and now on my period. Sucks.

Anyway, life has been undescribable. Lance has been amazing. Yes, we still have fights but nonetheless, we got each other and nothing is short of love and understanding between us. He's taking his last training this week and will be applying for his visa hopefully by the end of this month. Crossed-fingers for my man that this is it because no one deserves this more.

Life, my life, where do I even start? My emotions are bipolar ((well, that's a given because I feel I have bipolar disorder)) every now and then. I have heard news that is my "black swan". A news that changed my entire life and what had been the answers to everything all this time. I won't go into details but sht is real and too real I can't even grasp.

I'll be heading out now. Till next time. I promise to write more often from now on.

[msjdrey]

Twenty four: Mixed feelings

Here comes another familiar feeling. I have been masking this off for days now and its catching up on me. I will be heading out in a while, I said yes just to feel something. 

Maybe Lance and I had a little “fight” ‘cause we’re not talking atm and that sucks because it all started with that. I feel very shitty as a person that I shouldn’t even be here. 

I don’t know how to feel. I am in debt. I am broke. I am sick. I am lonely. I am in love. I am lost. I am sorts of feelings but ‘found’ and ‘happy’ may not be one of those. 

I need my people but at the same time, I can’t because I don’t even know what to say. I don’t even know if this post still makes sense. I just need someone to talk to, and I can’t seem to talk to anyone but myself.

[msjdrey]

Twenty three: Caffeine

I’ve been having a rough couple of days and I don’t know if I could still take another day. For the past week, I’ve only slept for not more than a few hours. I’ve been so weak and just letting my thoughts eat me up. I couldn’t bare to tell people this because they may thought that I’m just saying them, and that it’ll go away, and I just keep thinking to myself that I wish I could just go away.

Yes, the #NationalMentalHealthAwareness thing is very timely, yet this does just makes everything worse. People keep acting different around you making ypu feel more different or sick as you already are, and it seems that you can’t do anything about the situation. I also feel obligated to accept all the pity things that people do because if I don’t, I’d be labeled as someone who is already sick, who is being offered help but refuses it. THAT IS NOT IT. Yeah, I need to talk to people and yeah, it fucking helps but the people who I need and should talk to should know what to say. I mean, you keep talking to people but these people keep shrugging off everything you say to them, like the filipino saying goes, “pasok sa isang tenga, labas sa kabila.” And I can’t take anymore bullshit.

I am one of the lucky fews to have real people who really care for me (s/o to my bestfriend, my main hoe and to the love of my life). They are my support and without them, surely, I wouldn’t be here.

They keep saying that our own families could help us more than anyone, but that is not true for everyone. Some have the opposite situation. Like me, most of the time. You just gotta find those people or that person who would also show you their soul and reach that out so that you would feel the life that they feel, and I have found that from the three persons I mentioned earlier.

To my bestfriend who I have known since the 5th grade, I hate you, but I love you more.

To my main hoe, I love you, bitch and we got this!!!

To the love of my life, this past year that we have been together was not short of amazing and thank you for not only holding me when I cry but for also giving me your heart and soul so I could be who I could be for us and for myself.

Caffeine has been running through my blood and this is one of the reasons that makes my heart skip a beat, literally.

[msjdrey]

Twenty two: Maybe

Maybe we were meant to be together after all. Well, it may not be for forever, but as of now, maybe we were.

Yes, we are back together, and I’d like to believe that we are better persons than we were for the past month. I think we have grew and learned a lot from what we had went through the past month. I couldn’t imagine what could have become if we hadn’t talk things out.

A lot of my friends do not want me to get back with him but they couldn’t stop me. And besides, they weren’t the one who is in the relationship, so they couldn’t tell as well.

Maybe this is just another phase. We’ll be going on our 11 month together this week. Maybe this is what they would could a 1-year itch. I don’t know because this is the first time that I have an actual person who had been the most consistent for this long.

I would always be thankful for him eventhough there are a lot of rough roads we went through. I could not have grown to the person I am now if it weren’t for him. He was surely the light of my life when I was in the dark. I do and will always love him, no matter what.

Maybe, he’s the one. Well, I’d like to think that he is.

09052017

[msjdrey]

Twenty one: Lost

Honestly, I just want to end my life right now because of all the pain that I am feeling and will still be feeling for a very long time. I don't know anymore. I am lost. Please come find me.

[msjdrey]

"Walang hanggan"

Well, here we are. At the end. I never thought such place existed. I couldn't say that we're perfect for each other but we made it work. We were supposed to make it work. But we didn't. You didn't. I'd like to put all the blame on you but I can't, and even if I could, I wouldn't, because it has always been me. I was the one who finds fights. I was the one who always makes small arguements bigger. I was the one who never got tired which made you more tired. I was the one who always makes it hard for the two of us. And maybe, I was the only one who was willing to hold on when times get rough that's why you had to leave. Always. My. Fault. I know I had my lapses, I know I made mistakes, a lot of them, I know I'm a handful most of the time, I know I'm hard-headed, I know I don't usually listen, but what I do know is that my love was always enough and you, you will never be the wrong choice I made. You were the light when I was at my darkest. You were the sun that made me look forward to tomorrow. You were the rock that held me. You were the best decission I made my whole life. You were my life. You are my life. You were home. You are home. You will always be home. But you think I wasn't. I wasn't enough with anything. Not even another chance. You left me in space for stars to get me. You left me in the middle of the ocean for sharks to taste. You left me in the clouds where I thought I would love, but instead I dreaded. You left. You left me. We were supposed to be unseperable. We were the power couple in our group. We were infinite. We were everything others wanted to be. We were best friends and lovers and we could not have asked for more. Always. A l w a y s. All the things we've been through. All the hardships we've faced. All the joy we've shared. All the memories we made. Leaving. Was that the only choice? Leaving. Was that what had to be done? Leaving. Was that the only solution? Leaving. That was what you are doing. Assuming you held on. Assuming I was enough. Assuming you loved me enough. Assuming love was enough. You would never do such thing. You would never have left me. You could just have thought of a solution. You could have made any other decission because I know you, and I know that you would have done things differently if you have just wanted it bad enough. Saying those words you did, was it easy? Saying you were tired, did it made you less tired than you were before? Saying you want to be alone, would that make you more of a person? Saying you would never leave me? What happened to that? I want to be mad at you. But I can't. You know that we could have done things differently. But you chose not to. But know this: YOU were my everything. YOU will always be my everything. YOU were my life. YOU will always be my life. I will love you as long as I live. And maybe, that would not be for long. 07012017

[msjdrey]

Nineteen: Fast forward

This post skips all the wonderful memories we’ve made over the past two month. Don’t worry, I’ll write about that too, after this.

Yes, my love is stronger than any of his mistakes but is that enough? I feel like I’ve been torn to hundred million pieces and he doesn’t even know. I know he loves me, but is his love enough as well? 

I would like to think that is is. Our love is enough. As long we have each other, we can get through anything. This one would be remembered. I don’t know for how long but I hope soon. Every second I think about it, the more my insides want to burst out of my body. I know I should not have looked through his stuff, and I regret it. I just hope that my heart won’t fail me this time.

Heart, please hold on. My brain would not function properly without him. And brain, please process this information and give it another chance. Yes, I know it’s painful for both of you but we got this. We just have to believe.

01052016