mmk siz

i have this love-hate relationship with the universe, you'll understand more

[kushandwizdom]

I distanced myself from everything negative and life became beautiful, bright and calm again.

- Meggan Roxanne

[msjdrey]

Man, i just want out.

Honestly kasi di ko na alam gagawin ko???? Lunukin lang lahat ng feelings????

Parang di na ko masaya? Or sumaya ba ko ever? Lol. My life is a joke pota this.

I just. Want to. Maybe get out of this world?

[msjdrey]

Been a while, huh?

New love. Less life.

Too much, too many things to say and feel, I can even process any of them.

I want time for myself but I'm scared that I might do something stupid.

I need time for myself. I think way too much. I feel way too much. I can even understand myself right now.

I just.

[matabangutak]

Miss ko na yung sarili kong lumalaban dahil mahal ko ‘yong tao. Ngayon? Ang bilis ko mapanghinaan ng loob. Makakita lang ako nang onting signs na walang interes umaayaw na agad ako. Wala na kong oras mangulit, alam kong walang napapala ‘yon. Ang hirap din pala kapag natuto.

Ang tagal ng puso kong magpahinga. Sobra yatang napagod kasi lagi na lang niya binibigay lahat. Wala naman kasing masama doon right? Dahil kapag nagmahal ka ang nanaisin mo lang ay ang kaligayahan lagi nila. Kaya nga dumadating sa point na pinapakawalan natin sila kasi parang mas liligaya na sila sa iba or wala tayo sa buhay nila. Kaya tayo nagsasakripisyo at pinaniniwala ang sariling may plano palagi sa atin at mas mapagtitibay tayo ng mga mapait na karanasan na ‘yon. Imagine, naranasan ko lumaban mag-isa. Lumaban hanggang dulo ending up na ako na lang pala ‘yong nasa dulo dahil ibang laban na ‘yong pinuntahan niya. Yung laban na siya ulit yung naghahabol, yung laban na siya ulit yung dehado.

Gusto ko gumising isang araw na sabik magkwento kung ano ang tagumpay na nangyari sa akin sa maghapon. Nasasabik akong ipakitang ginagawa ko ang lahat para maging masaya lang siya. Kahit kailan hindi siya magiging hadlang sa oras ko. Hindi ako mauubusan ng paraan. Kung makikita lang nila ‘yong intensyon na ‘yon. Kung makikita lang nila gaano ko pinaghihirapan lahat ng pinangarap ko. Kung makikita lang nila gaano ako kasabik araw-araw na naalala nila ako.

Man, miss ko na lahat yun. Nothing excites me anymore. Kaya natutuwa ako kapag yung mga tao sa paligid ko masaya para sa akin kasi nakalimutan ko maging masaya para sa sarili ko.

Over the years, nakita ko ang improvement ko sa sarili ko. Naramdaman kong naging better pero hindi pala talaga masaya. Palaging may hinahanap, ramdam na hindi kumpleto. Maling timing ata maging malungkot ngayon dahil busy at mainipin ang lahat ng tao. Kaya bago ka pa makapag desisyong mag open up? Nawawala na agad sila dahil busy din sila sa mga sarili nilang problema.

[msjdrey]

I can't even write anything anymore, which breaks me more

[msjdrey]

Twenty five: Too Long

It's been too long hasn't it?

So much has happened. I don't even know where to start.

I've been feeling shitty lately because I was about to and now on my period. Sucks.

Anyway, life has been undescribable. Lance has been amazing. Yes, we still have fights but nonetheless, we got each other and nothing is short of love and understanding between us. He's taking his last training this week and will be applying for his visa hopefully by the end of this month. Crossed-fingers for my man that this is it because no one deserves this more.

Life, my life, where do I even start? My emotions are bipolar ((well, that's a given because I feel I have bipolar disorder)) every now and then. I have heard news that is my "black swan". A news that changed my entire life and what had been the answers to everything all this time. I won't go into details but sht is real and too real I can't even grasp.

I'll be heading out now. Till next time. I promise to write more often from now on.

[msjdrey]

Twenty four: Mixed feelings

Here comes another familiar feeling. I have been masking this off for days now and its catching up on me. I will be heading out in a while, I said yes just to feel something. 

Maybe Lance and I had a little “fight” ‘cause we’re not talking atm and that sucks because it all started with that. I feel very shitty as a person that I shouldn’t even be here. 

I don’t know how to feel. I am in debt. I am broke. I am sick. I am lonely. I am in love. I am lost. I am sorts of feelings but ‘found’ and ‘happy’ may not be one of those. 

I need my people but at the same time, I can’t because I don’t even know what to say. I don’t even know if this post still makes sense. I just need someone to talk to, and I can’t seem to talk to anyone but myself.

[msjdrey]

ako ay di hamang isang "abala" lamang sa paningin ng aking "a m a"

[msjdrey]

Twenty three: Caffeine

I’ve been having a rough couple of days and I don’t know if I could still take another day. For the past week, I’ve only slept for not more than a few hours. I’ve been so weak and just letting my thoughts eat me up. I couldn’t bare to tell people this because they may thought that I’m just saying them, and that it’ll go away, and I just keep thinking to myself that I wish I could just go away.

Yes, the #NationalMentalHealthAwareness thing is very timely, yet this does just makes everything worse. People keep acting different around you making ypu feel more different or sick as you already are, and it seems that you can’t do anything about the situation. I also feel obligated to accept all the pity things that people do because if I don’t, I’d be labeled as someone who is already sick, who is being offered help but refuses it. THAT IS NOT IT. Yeah, I need to talk to people and yeah, it fucking helps but the people who I need and should talk to should know what to say. I mean, you keep talking to people but these people keep shrugging off everything you say to them, like the filipino saying goes, “pasok sa isang tenga, labas sa kabila.” And I can’t take anymore bullshit.

I am one of the lucky fews to have real people who really care for me (s/o to my bestfriend, my main hoe and to the love of my life). They are my support and without them, surely, I wouldn’t be here.

They keep saying that our own families could help us more than anyone, but that is not true for everyone. Some have the opposite situation. Like me, most of the time. You just gotta find those people or that person who would also show you their soul and reach that out so that you would feel the life that they feel, and I have found that from the three persons I mentioned earlier.

To my bestfriend who I have known since the 5th grade, I hate you, but I love you more.

To my main hoe, I love you, bitch and we got this!!!

To the love of my life, this past year that we have been together was not short of amazing and thank you for not only holding me when I cry but for also giving me your heart and soul so I could be who I could be for us and for myself.

Caffeine has been running through my blood and this is one of the reasons that makes my heart skip a beat, literally.

[msjdrey]

Twenty two: Maybe

Maybe we were meant to be together after all. Well, it may not be for forever, but as of now, maybe we were.

Yes, we are back together, and I’d like to believe that we are better persons than we were for the past month. I think we have grew and learned a lot from what we had went through the past month. I couldn’t imagine what could have become if we hadn’t talk things out.

A lot of my friends do not want me to get back with him but they couldn’t stop me. And besides, they weren’t the one who is in the relationship, so they couldn’t tell as well.

Maybe this is just another phase. We’ll be going on our 11 month together this week. Maybe this is what they would could a 1-year itch. I don’t know because this is the first time that I have an actual person who had been the most consistent for this long.

I would always be thankful for him eventhough there are a lot of rough roads we went through. I could not have grown to the person I am now if it weren’t for him. He was surely the light of my life when I was in the dark. I do and will always love him, no matter what.

Maybe, he’s the one. Well, I’d like to think that he is.

09052017

[msjdrey]

Twenty one: Lost

Honestly, I just want to end my life right now because of all the pain that I am feeling and will still be feeling for a very long time. I don't know anymore. I am lost. Please come find me.

[msjdrey]

"Walang hanggan"

Well, here we are. At the end. I never thought such place existed. I couldn't say that we're perfect for each other but we made it work. We were supposed to make it work. But we didn't. You didn't. I'd like to put all the blame on you but I can't, and even if I could, I wouldn't, because it has always been me. I was the one who finds fights. I was the one who always makes small arguements bigger. I was the one who never got tired which made you more tired. I was the one who always makes it hard for the two of us. And maybe, I was the only one who was willing to hold on when times get rough that's why you had to leave. Always. My. Fault. I know I had my lapses, I know I made mistakes, a lot of them, I know I'm a handful most of the time, I know I'm hard-headed, I know I don't usually listen, but what I do know is that my love was always enough and you, you will never be the wrong choice I made. You were the light when I was at my darkest. You were the sun that made me look forward to tomorrow. You were the rock that held me. You were the best decission I made my whole life. You were my life. You are my life. You were home. You are home. You will always be home. But you think I wasn't. I wasn't enough with anything. Not even another chance. You left me in space for stars to get me. You left me in the middle of the ocean for sharks to taste. You left me in the clouds where I thought I would love, but instead I dreaded. You left. You left me. We were supposed to be unseperable. We were the power couple in our group. We were infinite. We were everything others wanted to be. We were best friends and lovers and we could not have asked for more. Always. A l w a y s. All the things we've been through. All the hardships we've faced. All the joy we've shared. All the memories we made. Leaving. Was that the only choice? Leaving. Was that what had to be done? Leaving. Was that the only solution? Leaving. That was what you are doing. Assuming you held on. Assuming I was enough. Assuming you loved me enough. Assuming love was enough. You would never do such thing. You would never have left me. You could just have thought of a solution. You could have made any other decission because I know you, and I know that you would have done things differently if you have just wanted it bad enough. Saying those words you did, was it easy? Saying you were tired, did it made you less tired than you were before? Saying you want to be alone, would that make you more of a person? Saying you would never leave me? What happened to that? I want to be mad at you. But I can't. You know that we could have done things differently. But you chose not to. But know this: YOU were my everything. YOU will always be my everything. YOU were my life. YOU will always be my life. I will love you as long as I live. And maybe, that would not be for long. 07012017

[msjdrey]

i just don't feel appreciated some times and it sucks because i care a lot

[msjdrey]

Nineteen: Fast forward

This post skips all the wonderful memories we’ve made over the past two month. Don’t worry, I’ll write about that too, after this.

Yes, my love is stronger than any of his mistakes but is that enough? I feel like I’ve been torn to hundred million pieces and he doesn’t even know. I know he loves me, but is his love enough as well? 

I would like to think that is is. Our love is enough. As long we have each other, we can get through anything. This one would be remembered. I don’t know for how long but I hope soon. Every second I think about it, the more my insides want to burst out of my body. I know I should not have looked through his stuff, and I regret it. I just hope that my heart won’t fail me this time.

Heart, please hold on. My brain would not function properly without him. And brain, please process this information and give it another chance. Yes, I know it’s painful for both of you but we got this. We just have to believe.

01052016

[msjdrey]

Eighteen: Home

My man and I had a date here in my home town which was an hour and a half from where he stays. We ate ramen and watched indie movies at an open field cinema, then ate some more. I had him walk from campus to our house, which he said he really liked. I never thought I’d like dates like those where its just the two of you surrounded by unfamiliar people in a (somewhat) new place. I’ve always felt awkward, but whenever I’m with him, it seems like everything is normal. Nothing to be ashamed of, or be embarrassed about. I also bought him here in our house where everyone was present. He got to meet my mom and dad, my grandparents, my sisters and some of my cousins. It was really nice that all my stories here made more sense to him. 

Actually, he was the first guy I brought here which my parents knew (I think) that was my boyfriend. He was so cute when he was sitting in our couch. He wasn’t breathing and he was having cold sweats from his nerves. He was too precious. 

We got to talk a lot more random things than we usually do, which was always my favorite. 

I know there will be a next date, and I’m looking forward where our curiosity will take us next.

PS. If you’ll be reading this: Lance, I love you so much! Thank you for all the things you’ve done, and do for me everyday! I could never ask for a better person to be with everyday and call mine! 

11112016

[msjdrey]

Seventeen: Something cheesy

I feel brand new. The kid I was talking about? He’s now my boyfriend. Can you believe it? Well, I can’t either. He’s more than anything I have ever expected. This is a different one. I just know it. The other guys still drop messages every now and then but I don’t usually reply since I don’t see the need for it. My boyfriend’s giving me overflowing attention, so I don’t need some more from other guys. Hihi

He might be the one, but who knows. He’ll be gone soon for his ojt so we’re making the most of our time together now. We still haven’t figure out what we’re gonna do when he’s in sea, but I know for sure that we’ll work it out.

Anyway, this post might be too cheesy already. Surviving this term because of my rock. Can’t imagine it in any other way.

10172016

[msjdrey]

Sixteen: Fast

So one term had already passed. I think I’m better here, maybe than anywhere else. I learn more, yes, the commute is a real hassle, but aside from that, it’s kinda nice here. I miss my friends in UP but I could always see them anytime. I’ve made friends here which I know would last. I mean, you know, when you become friends with them, your weirdness and theirs just instantly clicks. Yes, we’ll have misunderstanding in the end, but hell, we’ll be inseparable.

There’s this guy I really like, but has a long distance thing with another girl. Oh well, might as stay friends than strangers. Then there’s this younger guy that likes me a lot, not to brag. This kid is really nice, and I might be catching feelings for him. But who knows what's in store for us. I’m not in a hurry anyway.

What I have to do is to focus and go by this school as fast as I can, like lightning.

I am currently seating in the cafeteria here at school, waiting for the kid and one of my friends. I feel really tired, I don’t know why. Plus! I have a burn from my frying this morning’s breakfast. Way to go to start the day. So fun.

09272016