I don't like talking about this because hes taken. But I guess I've got to release this somewhere because I don't want to bother my friend about it.
It was that picture. A random photo of all of us two years ago and everyone is falling over or mid motion with random faces. It's the worst photo in the world. I saw someone on the side of the group and immediately felt this tug of attraction, fondness, and longing for them before I realized it was him. I tried to tell myself he was looking ugly but I couldn't see it at all. Instead I saw someone I took comfort in, and I felt myself smile and trying not to laugh with fondness all inside me because I immediately heard his voice, felt his breath, felt the heat from his body, felt his presence nearby me and saw his movements and mannerism as I looked at him. The feeling of friendship and intimacy plumed around me. I couldn't get myself to find anything unattractive about him even tho objectively it would have looked that way, a single pose, and maybe some other person would have seen it but all i saw was his presence and our memories and his persobality. In the photo, I heard his laughter near me.
After that it was hard to get out of my mind. I couldn't really deny it then, that it hadn't been superficial. Over time I'd told myself it must have been silly, or stupid, or I was just lonely or superficial or horny. That it was just a dumb temporary crush I'd escaped, and it could have been any guy. That I was over it. But then I saw the photo, and him in it, in the middle of all my family members. The immediately sharp and strong tug in my gut, the jolt and the flush of warmth, the powerful, immediate chemistry suddenly around me. It hit me at once from that simple glance. I remembered then. What it felt like whenever he was around me. I couldn't control it. I had a distinct visceral reaction to his presence and it was still in effect. It was simply that I had the relief of not being around him anymore but it wasnt actually gone. His presence was warmth. The chemistry bloomed and popped up every time he was there, a pull to him that just never went away.
The way he looked at me and the way our personalities clicked and the way his eyes set on me with that spark in them and that understanding and the way it felt like chemistry crackled around us. the way he got my deadpan jokes and my irony and the way he debated back with me and the way he liked my argumentation and the way he didn't get upset when I was mad and the way he didn't shy away from my emotions and the way he was respectful and quiet and the way he smiled and laughed and the way he was so serious and strict but so quick to smile around me and the way he was kinder than me and had more humor than me at times I would expect the opposite and the way he was gentler with my brother than me and the way he was religious but not judgemental or bigoted and the way he made me laugh just by existing and the way he brought humor into everything without trying and the way he was so funny when he didn't know it and the way he was so serious and the way he lowered his gaze, lowered his gaze, always lowered his gaze around me. The way I understood his looks and the way he understood me even though I never said anything. The way he answered to me like he understood I had expectations and he knew he had to come correct. The way he was quiet with me and the way he was intelligent and could keep up with me. And the look in his eyes sometimes when he saw me. Like he admired me for my strength or something. And the way he seemed to like being checked or roasted by me, like he liked the fire.
And most of all it was the way I was trying not to cry when my baby brother spit in my face and hit me and I was yelling at him unable to take it anymore. I supposed to be watching him but I couldn't take it anymore and I wanted to run off to cry, and then he just stepped in and took over for me and I was able to run away and feel my feelings alone in private in the park in the night. The way he didn't look away from my emotions but he didn't judge them either, and I was so ugly and I was being a horrible parent and getting angry and losing my patience and completely feeling disgusting and angry and worthless, and instead of judging me or leaving me to it, he took care of the kids so I could leave. And the way he was kind to them and patient with them and had good humor with them so sincerely even tho they were being awful to him too. And the way he saw my ugly and kept seeing it because I couldn't get rid of my mood and he didn't say anything or judge me. He just stayed.
The way that he could see my own vulnerabilities despite me trying to be strong. The way he was less angry than me even tho I thought he'd be the more strict one. The way he still liked me and saw me and was open to me even tho I wasn't as religious as him. The way he saw me the same and saw me for real when others didn't. The way he paid attention and knew when my feelings were hurt when others laughed and the way he laughed when I made a joke when others didn't catch it. And the way he observed me. And the way he was the only one who cared about me for real. Who picked up on my emotions.
He took care of things for me when I was weak. And he was considerate to my emotions. And he didnt look away from my ugly and he wasn't put off by it either. He accepted it into himself, as a part of me.
I found this to be love. I received love when I was tired, and when I felt I least deserved it. I felt loved.
And I liked all his qualities too. I could see his pride, it matched mine in a slightly different way. I could see his fire, and his forcefulness and his focused self. I could see his quietness and his solitude. His patience and humor. And most of all, I could see his frailty. I could see that he wasn't everything, not at all. I could see that I admired some parts of him but I didn't look up to him. I could see that he felt like a failure in some parts of life, and that he wasn't enough to change the entire world for his family and he didnt succeed at everything, and I could see the way it weighed down on him. I could see that I had strict expectations for him and he met them and I could see that he might have failed at some before. I could see that he got upset sometimes and that he tried to step out of situations and that he had guilt on him and that he was trying to do better. I could see also that I was harsh and yet he stepped up, and I could see that he was hoping not to piss me off for real, and yet he was happy to spar with me and risk it sometimes, but that he also wanted my approval at times. I could see it all.
I always knew I could walk away because I had perceived power in his mind. He cared for my feelings and considered me. I didnt have to manage my emotions all the time around him. I could be rough and uncut and unfriendly and he still got me. He liked me. He liked me and he thought I was prickly, like I couldn't forgive.
But I could as long as they were honest. His dishonesty upset me so much on a personal level that I realized I expected something from him, something between him and i, personally. I could read him and he could read me and so I couldn't stand it. The lack of trust, except there was trust there and he broke it. I felt like I could speak to him about it once I got past my anger, but it was my sense of betrayal that startled me, and it was his fear of it that startled me. That's when I realized that I must like him. And that's when I realized that he may like me. It's when it hit me that something else was going on. That having a personal relationship and personal expectations for each other wasn't what was supposed to be done.
I forgot that I saw him as a friend and as family, because of our context. but i had difficulty viewing him as a brother because he was handsome and I was deeply attracted to him anyways, and i tried to push it out of my mind but whenever I was around him I would definitely feel my heart beat a little faster, and when he wasn't near me I could still feel the tension and the pull to him. And I remember the way his eyes would flit to me and check whether I wanted to talk, and he would always wait for me to speak first.
I at times wish I hadn't thrown it all away.
I remember leaving and he met my eyes from the stairwell because the bottom floor was completely full with family members. and I gave him a serious nod. I looked away and just before I was pulled out the door, a part of me glanced back at him for one last look. I didn't realize it but his eyes were still trained on me, so he saw it. In that look was despair, helplessness, sorrow, desire, confusion, and a question about his intentions. And it was aimed at myself, because I was wondering it. But he read it all. And I was pulled out the door and I left and our gazes ripped from each other but I knew he'd read it and he'd understood what I was thinking and in that moment my entire heart was to bare. And the jig was up. He knew now why I'd been avoiding him politely and just so happened never to run into him anymore and why I was so quiet now when we were in the same room together and why I looked away when he looked over now. He knew why and I knew he'd been curious and getting a little lonely. But now he knew. And I wasn't going to see him again. And I was sad about leaving them all but I was the most sad about leaving the only one there who gave a crap about me for real, someone who'd become a friend and someone who understood me. Someone who cared about me. Who never made me feel alone.
I was doing my best not to cry but I was going to for sure. And I was crying because I knew it was the last time I'd see him again. In my life. And I was leaving early for something I didn't want. And I was trying to be strong but I was having panic attacks leaving them all knowing I would never be back. I was sad I was leaving family and people who supported me in family. I knew I wasn't likely to get that experience again.
When I got to the airport something changed. Everything inside me got buttoned up tight and sewn together. It was like I made my peace with leaving my heart behind, my emotions and my needs behind, and I focused on adjusting to a reality that had a hole where my heart was supposed to be. I became someone who didnt care and went to a life where I didnt care. It was all made up, and I wasn't that person because my life wasn't that.
I kept in touch with her and they both had my Instagram and whatsapp, and he was tagged in it, but while she and I added each other, he and I notoriously didn't. We had it but we pretended not to know. I knew it was on purpose, and part of me was relieved he didn't try either. If you looked a little closer you'd see the place where people intentionally avoided each other and you'd see what was hidden. We kept lines firm.
He saw me again a few months later, just in passing, and he stayed away from me. He always left and never stood by my side. He was polite and respectful but nervous, and he seemed guilty. And he knew exactly what it was I'd been asking that day when I'd left, and he kept his space. I wondered then if I'd overreacted when I'd created some space between us before leaving. But when I remembered the way he recognized what I did, I knew it wasn't true. And when I thought of how painful it would have been to stay and slowly fall in love with him, because it was coming, and how it felt for me to be around him, I knew I had to get distance for myself at least. I'm not someone to tolerate jealousy within myself and if I can't dismantle it, I need to get rid of the reason.
I feel sometimes like I lost someone who really understood me and made me laugh and was unintentionally hilarious and who I got and who I liked being silly with and fighting with and making family memories with. It was a week of taking care of everyone as family and so inevitably we had a lot of moments where our patience and character and abilities were tested in pursuit of a need for the family. It was a different kind of bonding, especially late and sleepy or tired and cranky and yet heavy with responsibilities. It makes sense that you could get feelings in 2 weeks that it usually takes 5 months to get. It makes sense that I bonded and felt attached or deeply emotionally and sincerely affected by that connection in a way that I couldn't after weeks of playing soccer with someone. It's a different dynamic and different exposure, as Z says. At times I wish I hadn't pushed him away and set a hard line and stopped interacting with him and his kid without her, but I did so out of respect and out of the knowledge that my feelings would only grow, and it would become painful for me and toxic, and that there wouldn't be much stopping it because it was just his presence that sparked it. I knew I'd have to see him again and it wouldnt do to have feelings. I also knew I'd never have him and it wouldn't do to fall in love. My only fear was whether it became dead and stale and empty and then became toxic and weird and poisonous due to that. But he had good character, and it would happen regardless if I hadn't put a stop to it. But he had good character.
And ultimately, you're either in a relationship with me or you're not, and you're either in a relationship with someone else or you're not, and those are mutually exclusive.
If I had to spend more time with him and we interacted happily with him again, I would feel pain from those good moments with him, knowing I couldn't have him. The best friend vibe, the personality fit, the laughter, the life lessons, the bonding, the care, the family adventures, all those moments now, as good as they are, will just also be painful. Experiencing anything good with him will come alongside the pain of knowing he can't ever be mine and I can't ever actually pursue him further or want him or have him. I had to get rid of the good moments and goodness between us in order to also get rid of the what was coming. It's painful enough as it is, I cant make it worse by letting myself fall in love.
And I knew I could. There was a certain fire to him, a passion he brought out of me and a curiosity and interest, and I knew I could eventually or rather quickly start to love him. I didn't yet and that was my lifeline. I had to leave before I did.
And I would feel anger that he already committed to someone else instead of waiting for a real connection like I did, and leaving me bereft when he finally did meet me, even if he never knew me then. I don't care. I waited and he couldn't. So now we both suffer. And it felt like my waiting and life itself was pointless. If I had to spend more time with him intimately and personally, I know a certain sort of unfair anger would come out, a resentment, and I know he would accept it and take it, because in a way he knows he did fail me. He didn't really have a responsibility to me then but he did with me here and now, and he failed it. He was taken. And I know he looks at me with guilt knowing that. I don't put it on him and I try to stay away because he doesn't deserve it, but at the same time if he gets close then he does, and I know he will feel it from me.
He was always communicating with me. We felt safe emotionally with each other and we'd figure stuff out together. Now it's not the case since I pushed him away.
It's better to be angry at him and resent him for it than to have hope and feel loss over him. It feels a lot more freeing and less hopeless and despairing because I am not stuck on something that will never happen and yet I feel a bitterness at having met him and felt something for him when he already committed elsewhere. I feel a bitterness I somewhat blame him for because he recognizes his connection with me and our fit and the way we make each other happy, but he was impatient with his life 5 years ago and already settled with someone. I blame him for not waiting and I blame him for making me wish life were different. And yet this is it. And we are ourselves and technically I wouldn't have it any other way. But it hurts that life itself is sometimes painful and empty where fulfilled hopes should be.
If I had to be around him again i know i would still feel it. That longing, that want for him. I would want him and it would hurt not to have him, it would hurt to know that I could never have him. And as a result I would become toxic and jealous and unrecognizable from myself. so it's best I created this distance too. It would hurt me to look at him and see him having moved on and no longer care for me, no longer have feelings for me. It would hurt me to see him looking at another woman with desire in his eyes. It would hurt me to see him succeed with someone else, to see him happy with someone else, to see him make it work with someone else. It would hurt me to see that he's someone else's. It would hurt me that it isn't me he's with. So its best that I skedaddled. And he can deal with his loneliness on his own. But it was his own making. And I won't further my own pain.
I told him he wasn't allowed to love me. And I rejected it even tho I could use more love in my life. But it was irresponsible because I could love him back and he was taken. And so I feel an anger I shouldn't be feeling. And if he took the lesson from that and focused on his own relationship and committed twice as hard since then, as he should, then I'd feel heartbroken. And I know I shouldn't take it personally but it does hurt and I wish he hadn't met me or he'd met me before settling down. I wish he'd been responsible by waiting til he met someone he matched with. And if I see he's turned his unhappy marriage into a happy and content one, I'm going to be in deep pain, even tho that's exactly what I told him to go do. It still hurts.
And so I blame him for putting us in this position. Having to do the right thing hurts but I had to deny him. And I know I shouldn't fault him but it's easier to be angry at him than go through these feelings alone. At the end of the day tho I know I have to take responsibility for my own feelings, alone, with or without him, especially if I am requesting him to be separate from me and that we not approach things as a unit.
