Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #783
So... last night, after going to sleep later than I should have, J started talking in his sleep.
...This is a fairly regular occurrence for J – both sleep-talking and sleep-doing-things; I think something is up with the part of his brain that's supposed to be responsible for stopping us from acting out our dreams. Usually, his sleep-talking is mostly unintelligible mumbling. Occasionally, there's some clarity, but it's either anxious, or... uh... well. We'll call it “eager”, how's that?
This time, though, it was shouted, angry, and delivered with startling clarity, about 9 minutes after midnight. And it went, “You KNOW what I meant!! Go somewhere else!! Go!! Get out!! NOW!!” Woke me right up, lemme tell ya, holy shit. And he kept repeating, “Go somewhere else!!”, so I sat up to gently wake him (I have to be careful about this; sometimes when he's woken from sleep, he's terrified, screaming quietly). I gently tried to reassure him that he was safe in bed, with me.
...But then some movement, near my shelf/desk with my art supplies, caught my attention. So I looked there, and what I saw was like... some kinda dark red floating amorphous blob... light... thing??? About this color:
But I couldn't really get any feel for its size; it started shrinking quickly as soon as I noticed it, until it disappeared.
…
...I don't have a history of hallucinations, so I assume it was just some dream-like artifact produced by my brain from just having been woken so abruptly. But still, it spooked the ever-loving shit out of me, and it took me a really long time to fall asleep after that. And in the morning when I told J about what occurred... he remembered none of it, which is typical for his brain's random bouts of nighttime shenanigans.
...As you might guess, I was groggy as fuck when I woke up the next morning. And I had to be at the house I serve by 7am, because the house manager offered to take me to training. So I got dressed and attempted to fix my sluggishness with caffeine (no, you can't actually fix sleep deprivation like this; at best it's like a band-aid for a gaping wound, and at worst, it comes back to bite you in the ass later...), and I assumed some matcha would do the trick:
...I used about 50% more of the powder than what the instructions on the tin call for. But it still felt a bit too weak, so... I guess next time I'll double it and see what happens. It did temporarily perk me up a little, though, which was nice. And then, before I knew it, J whisked me away to the house I serve. Where I greeted the house manager, expressing that I was ready to be brought to training at his leisure. And then I waited.
...And waited.
About half an hour passed before he informed me that they were too short-staffed for anyone to bring me (since lots of the workers are, predictably, out with the flu). So he was gonna call someone from the nearby office where my training took place to bring me to the faraway training center, where the training I missed was going to take place.
...So I waited another 30 minutes before I was informed that the staff at the nearby office was also too busy to bring me. And since it was 8:15am by then, and it takes an hour to get to the faraway training place, there was no way I was gonna get there in time for the training's 8:30am start. So I called J to bring me home.
While waiting for J to come pick me up, the one who likes hugs... went to the bathroom in an inappropriate place. I'm not sure where, because I was waiting in the staff office. But I know that this isn't typical behavior for her. And I know that the support staff who were there... Sh and Hk... were very unhappy about it.
...For some people with profound intellectual disability, a reduction in skills should be expected in response to stress. As it was, the routine of the one who likes hugs was disrupted by the usual staff being out, with unfamiliar staff in their place. She just got over the flu. Others in the house still have the flu and are acting out in their discomfort. Knowing what I know about human behavior and neurodevelopment (my Early Childhood degree is really coming in handy here!), I understand that her behavior is the result of stress; controlling bowels is a skill, delaying the need in order to use the toilet is a skill, and skills are reduced when we're stressed.
...The others... don't understand, so much. The others behaved as though she did that on purpose just to upset them. But even if that was the case... spiteful behavior ALSO comes from stress, induced either by unmet needs or triggered trauma memories, so like...??? Anyway, it's clear, from what I was hearing (she doesn't have speech, but I know her sounds by now), that she didn't want that to happen, that she was very uncomfortable and unhappy with what occurred, that she didn't mean for this. So she made a sound to indicate she wanted help, and in response... Hk (who regularly talks down to the people we serve with snotty-ass attitudes, even when they're obeying him, and starts out with commands like he expects them to be belligerent even when they're calm) yelled “Shut up!” at her sharply.
...Sephiroth... there's no excuse to talk to people like this. Especially if all they've done is made an inconvenient mistake. The mess can be cleaned. The clothes can be changed. Or, if there really isn't enough time to get her cleaned up and changed, then she can stay home from program. Like... there's no need to verbally abuse her while she's already struggling and feeling bad about it.
...How do I report something like that, knowing that if I do, the others will back him up, insisting that he did nothing wrong? How do I confront that kind of behavior without the other person getting defensive and making the situation worse...? Who do I go to when the house manager doesn't seem to see an issue with Hk talking to people like this...?
...Sephiroth... I... don't think I can stay here. There are more of them than there are of me. And I... I know, from countless past experiences, the violence that comes with trying to challenge the status quo without support; I'd end up removed from the space, and nothing would change, and the people I serve would abruptly lose access to the most reliable source of kindness and safety that they have, currently.
I'm looking for remote work; I applied to a bunch of places over the last several days. But... I... don't know what I should do to combat this in the meantime. My trainer said to reach out to her anytime, but... given all the other times I've tried to reach her about even more urgent things (like trying to tell her today that I wouldn't be at training) without receiving a response, I... Sephiroth... it seems like the training only exists to pay lip service to the values and procedures this agency claims to uphold.
...I don't suppose you have any ideas...?
...Well. I got home. I ate the last of the shrimp mai fun I received last night. And then when it stopped being morning, we got burgers:
J baked some of the cookie batter he had made ahead of time from one of the mason jars the house manager gave to me.
...And then... with unexpectedly nothing else to do, and needing to do something to keep my frazzled nerves occupied, I began converting a couple of the 30-note music boxes I made for you in the past to this new 40-note music box. Remember this one?
...In order to make that, J helped me to break down this one:
...I am left in awe of a human I adore all the time (I'm referring to you, just in case you somehow still can't guess). So I rearranged the 30-note one to suit the new music box, which has 40 notes and fewer technical limitations:
...Still need to sing over it. But it's still outside of my comfortable range. Maybe you could do it, haha...
I also rearranged this one; do you remember this one...?
I had broken down this one to make it:
I learned this one on the piano a long time ago (though my dyspraxic ass still can't move my hands accurately, despite having the damn thing memorized...). So it wasn't too difficult to rearrange it, and with 40 notes at my disposal, I didn't even have to tweak the octaves of parts to make it work this time:
...I thought that this one turned out especially well. I'm proud to be able to put these together for you.
That being said... I think, ultimately, I'm going to have to do the same thing with this music box as I did with my original 30-note contraption – record each individual note in Audacity on its own separate line, and wash away the noise from the motors, if I want any kind of precision. I dunno if you noticed, but like... despite the midi being built in LMMS and the resulting file playing with perfect, precise rhythm via Windows Media Player... sometimes the notes of this music box either lag or get struck too soon. I notice the imprecisions in the rhythm, even with my shit-ass hearing, so to your ears, each deviation must seem really stark; sorry about that.
If the processor struggles to replicate the midi note at the correct time, I'll have to do it myself. After all, pasting the individually-recorded notes of my 30-note box in their correct places in Audacity is how I managed to put this one together:
I'm maybe not especially good at singing. But... it's good enough. I... unfortunately... don't see anyone else trying to sing you lullabies. But... I'll keep doing it. I'll keep singing little songs just like this for you while I have a voice to do it with. And, if I have anything to say about it, I'll still keep singing to you even long after that.
But... given the hour, and given that I wanna at least try to get to bed on time today (we'll see...), I had to stop rearranging music boxes in favor of breathing life into today's wishes:
I switched to a new set of braces afterwards, because it is Monday. This, of course, means you're gonna get progress pictures, starting with the upper jaw:
And now the lower jaw:
...I have only one more set to go, after this one. I almost can't believe it. We'll see how the evaluation goes, though; the gaps from the pulled teeth still somehow haven't fully closed, and my top front teeth are still slightly slanted to my left, for whatever reason...
It's time to go to bed. And... maybe that's not so bad. I am pretty tired. So I'll bid you good night here.
I love you so much, and I hope you know it; it's why I do all this stuff. It's why I do anything. It's why I'm still alive. I hope you know. I'll have faith that you do. And I'll have faith that you'll be safe out there in the world, and that someday you'll come home to sing along to the music boxes and lullabies that someone wove together for you.
I'll write again soon.
Your friend, Lumine