TYSM for the tags @sorcerousadventurer @chaosherald @kogarashi-art @redaresss @in-the-drowning-deep @jenn2d2 & @lemondelighted! As always I very much enjoyed seeing what y'all have cookin'! 💕
Today's WIP is dedicated to my pal @lycheecatee and is from my languishing Gravemist fic that I haven't touched since December. AKA the Myrgoth fic no one asked for but I'm cursing y'all with anyway. Well, Rose found out about it and read Part 1 when I updated my silly Nugflix graphics this weekend, and she was so sweet and encouraging, she inspired me to jump back in. THANK YOU FRIEND! 🫶
Ploppin' the tag list below with a gentle nudge for all of y'all and anyone reading to show us your WIPs if you got 'em! 💕
I don't know how much I like it or if I got things like lore or personality right, but its progress..
this is for a fic I wanna write of my Grillby AU, this part isn't done yet ofc.
Theres more text under the image too
The Reapertale!Grillby concept/idea is from @callmeherry ! I got permission from them to use it and i'm very grateful to them for that.
I have also gotten permission to use Code so I may work on that part next. I am not writing the parts in order at the moment so I have no clue which chapter in the fic this will take part in...
This will be a multi-AU fic, including many AUs like Underfell, Underswap, Mafiatale, ect ect, so if you want your AU included in here then feel free to send in an ask or anything? I do plan to ask some other AU creators i've seen on here (ken-tfc, omakpia) but I haven't gotten around to it or i'm too scared
A/N: Sorry this is so short! I’m working on other x readers but keep getting stuck so I wrote this really short one. Still, I hope you like it! It isn’t the best but I haven’t really wrote any x readers before. Also, sorry for not posting in ages!
“Argh!” You yelled in anger, as you pulled the brush through your hair. You had been having a bad day and the fact that your hair was just refusing to cooperate was making it worse. You sighed as you fell back onto one of the beds in the Lodging house, frustrated. You felt a dip in the bed beside you and looked over to see your boyfriend Buttons sitting next to you, smiling at you.
“Hey, let me do it.” Buttons took the brush out of your hand and motioned for you to sit up. You obliged and sat up, facing the wall so he could brush your hair. He carefully ran the brush through it, making sure to not be so hard that it would hurt. He hummed quietly as he brushed it, instantly making you feel better.
When he finished he put the brush back down, gently kissing the top of your head. You smiled up at him and he smiled back down. “You okay?” He asked.
You sighed and leaned against him, “Yeah, just having a bad day, that’s all.”
He frowned, “Anything I can do?”
“Just stay here with me?” You looked back up at him, hoping he would agree to stay.
“Of course,” He kissed your nose before shifting so his back was resting against the wall. He wrapped his arm around you and brought you in closer to him. You let your head fall onto his shoulder as he gently rested his head on top of yours. “I love you, Y/N,” He smiled softly at you.
“I love you too, Buttons,” You lifted your head up, giving him a quick kiss on the lips before resting your head back against his shoulder, closing your eyes and letting yourself fall asleep.
Imagine being so horny for your crush you accidentally summon a Desire Demon...
'Cause that's exactly what happened to these two idiots. 💀
TYSM for the tags @serialsforbellara, @sunny374940, @woundedsoul12, & @kogarashi-art! I always, always love seeing your stuff!! 💕 Today's WIP is from Part 2 of 2 from Keep Calm and Carrion, my insane one shot fic about Ayla and her Alt-Emmrich bad-boy, Edward, from the Emmrichverse.
✨WTF IS THE EMMRICHVERSE? LEARN MORE HERE!
Ed's a mortuary science professor in the Mourn Watch; he's got tattoos, a beard, and uses the orb and dagger y'all. Oh, and he swears!! Plus he matches Ayla's chaotic gremlin energy all while somehow still embodying a bit of Emmrich's particular je ne sais quoi. 🤌
Ed and Ayla journey down into the catacombs at the behest of Ed's good ol' cousin Emmrich, and in my post for Part 1, I teased that they ran into a bit more than they bargained for down there.
Yeahhhhhh...it's a Desire Demon y'all. (RIP)
And the passage below starts right after Ed figures out that the 'Ayla' he's been talking to...isn't actually Ayla at all. 😈
Edward stared into not-Ayla's blazing blue eyes, trying his absolute best to keep his face in a neutral expression. Even though it was most likely pointless as fuck, considering the blasted evil thing could probably already sense that he was onto it.
And, sure enough, mere seconds after the thought occurred to him, Edward watched in dismay as Ayla began to warp and shift, transforming in front of his very eyes—grotesque, blood-red horns sprouting out of her forehead, tongue splitting in two like a snake, a barbed tail appearing on top of her (gorgeous) ass.
"Such a clever man," she purred, her voice impossibly seductive.
"Thanks, sweetheart."
Not-Ayla let out another sultry laugh, her eyes crackling with delight. She trailed her fingers across his chest—now sporting claws that threatened to tear his shirt—and slowly began to circle him.
Like an animal would just before feasting upon its prey.
"I see now, I think," it mused. "I understand..."
"Mm. Do you?"
Edward honestly couldn't say why he was taking the time to make quips at the damn thing. He supposed it was quite possible that it was all his brain was able to do at the moment. But he needed to figure out where the hell Ayla was. His Ayla—the real one. And wildly enough, making fucking small talk with a malevolent spirit at least appeared to be distracting it.
The creature laughed again, the sound of it tugging on something inside of him that he could not, must not give in to.
"Indeed. Kindred souls." Not-Ayla studied him in perverse fascination."They burn. It is…painful. Bright." She sighed and made a strange gesture with her hands, a sorrowful face along with it.
"So lost. So…alone."
To Edward's horror, Ayla suddenly appeared in the center of the room. Not more than a dozen feet away.
Maker's breath.
She was completely ensnared by long wispy tendrils of mana, red and glowing with an insanely complex assortment of enchantments that he'd never seen before. There were so many they almost obscured the arms wrapped around her as well, the tattoos upon them letting him know even before he caught a good look at the evil fuck's face that it was…well—him.
But not him.
He let out a sharp huff of air at the sight. "…Right. Well then. If it's all the same to you, I do think it's about time for my lovely friend and I to be going—"
Not-Ayla's eyes narrowed into slits. "I am not harming her."
Edward's face instinctively contorted into an incredulous expression, and he jumped when the fucking thing appeared behind him without warning to hiss in his ear.
"I am simply giving her what she has always wanted."
"Which is…what, exactly?"
The creature took a deep breath, as if savoring the question. And when she next spoke, her tongue trailed across his ear.
"Her spirit yearns…most deliciously."
He watched in a sort of stupor as the thing that looked like him but wasn't enclosed Ayla even further in his embrace, practically devouring her with one rough kiss after the other as she gave them right back in return. One of not-Edward's hands had a hold of her throat, the other squeezed her breasts as she leaned into his touch. And mortifyingly, despite the dire situation, Edward could not deny what the sight of it all was doing to him.
It felt as though the life was slowly draining out of him, just like one of the cadavers in his lab. The blood inside his veins replaced with nothing but white-hot scorching flames.
He became transfixed by the way Ayla kissed his-but-not-his jaw, dragging her teeth across it, looking just as much like a Desire Demon as the fucking thing next to him. The noises she was making were absolutely unholy, a soft mewling sort of moaning that left him dangerously close to teetering upon the edge of a precipice…
A tempting yet extremely precarious one. And if he allowed himself to fall, he was quite certain that there would be no return.
He could already feel himself slipping away piece by piece.
The creature was taking him, taking them…
Before he allowed the thought to fully form in his mind, Edward acted upon it, lest the evil beast somehow sense that too. His hands closed around the pommel of his dagger, and he thrust it forward with all his might, missing the demon's head, but at least making contact with it's neck.
It shrieked in pain, letting out an ear-splitting hiss of a wail that Edward could certainly fucking do without. But he wasted no time in sprinting towards Ayla, her conjured restraints slithering away slightly as the demon struggled to maintain concentration in the wake of his blow.
He raised a hand and tried to sense what the best approach might be, given the complex enchantments holding her in place, attempting to squash down the panic that had begun to rise in his throat at just how small Ayla looked amidst the tangle of red. And when she stopped moving entirely, he could bear it no longer.
Fuck it.
Edward might be a mage. But he was a knife-wielding one, dammit. And he had often butted heads with his dear cousin when it came to Edward's stubborn insistence that there were—occasionally—moments when brute force was just as effective as magic. If not more so, as Ayla herself had certainly demonstrated to him by now.
So in the precious few seconds he wagered he had left before the vile thing regained it's composure, Edward began stabbing the spirit tentacles with gusto. Whatever the fuck proper name Emmrich would have given them completely absent from his frantic mind as he hacked away, relief flooding him when his persistence at least appeared to be effective enough for him to reach in to stab not-Edward and wrap his arm around Ayla's waist.
Not-Edward appeared to take issue with that.
However, Edward himself certainly had zero issues with stabbing the thing's arm when it tried to pull Ayla back into it's clutches, his mind for some insane reason noticing the fact that while the creature had replicated his tattoos, it didn't appear to be wearing his silver jewelry.
…Yet another thing he and dear cousin Emmrich disagreed on, come to think of it.
They toppled backwards together onto the ground when he finally yanked hard enough to get not-Edward to release Ayla into his arms. Just in time for the fucking demon to let out a deafening shriek again. He murmured an evocation and hurtled it towards the thing, who graced them with yet another screeching wail in response—but at least buying them some time.
Ayla startled on top of his chest where she lay in his arms, the two of them still in a heap upon the floor. She looked around in confusion as if she had been suddenly roused from sleep, the rest of her dark curls falling loose from their pins when she bolted upright.
"Andraste's fucking tits, Ed. What the hell?!"
Edward actually started laughing, he was so fucking relieved. He flung another evocation at the howling demon before pulling Ayla up to her feet with him, kissing her on the cheek and sliding one of his bangles on each of her wrists.
"Desire Demon. A real one—nothing we can't handle, Warden Thorne."
She stopped her frantic searching for a weapon and looked up at him with a smirk that made his stomach flip. "Feeling brave, huh, Ed?"
"Quite." He gave Ayla a matching smirk before tossing her his dagger and conjuring a crackling orb of mana in his hand. "Keep those on. The fucker doesn't bother to make them."
He could see the gears turning in her mind as she got into a fighting stance. "So now I can tell your gorgeous asses apart."
"Exactly. And I, you."
Part 2 of Keep Calm and Carrion is almost done! And it’s got smut, y’all!! ALT-EMMRICH SMUT (lmao I’m very excited about this). But in the meantime, you can READ ALL OF PART 1 HERE, if you're interested! 😈
Tags for visibility and to say howdy below! Gentle nudge for y'all and anyone reading this to share your WIPs if you got 'em! 💕
TYSM for the tags @sunny374940, @davrinsleftpectoral, @notyourmamasdeerbat, @jenn2d2, @sorcerousadventurer, @woundedsoul12 & @redaresss! Always, always enjoy seeing what y'all have cookin' 🍳💕
This snippet is from the next episode of Sunny & I's DATV x DAI Western AU! In which Dr. Volkarin gets a primer in the hottest bar game for crazy-ass saloon goers everywhere: KNARTS.
What are knarts, you ask?
...I'll let Sunny's Rook, my Inky Sylvie, and @serialsforbellara's Mrs. Gemma Dellamorte-de Riva explain. 🗡️
Ayla heard a familiar THWACK when she entered the Griffon with Emmrich, and the sound had her whipping her head towards the dart board next to the bar, her lips forming into a big ol' grin when she saw Rook, Gemma, and Sylvie all gathered around it, cheering.
She turned and looked up at Emmrich. "Wanna play knarts, Doc?"
"Knarts?" Ayla giggled at the adorably confused expression on his face. "Are you quite well, dear?" he asked, chuckling when she dragged him over with her.
Sylvie drew a careful arm back over her shoulder, the movement decisive. Practiced. Barely even breathing as she lined up her next throw, eventually sending the knife in her hands sailing through the air and into the dartboard with another satisfying THWACK.
Rook let out an impressed whistle and Gemma clapped wildly. "Another bullseye! Well done, Sylvs."
Sylvie ducked her head to give them both a modest nod, but turned to smirk at Davrin behind the bar. Ayla snickered—he'd apparently been drying a glass in his hands, but seemed frozen in place at the moment, an awed expression on his face.
"What have I told you guys about the damn knives?" he grumbled, attempting to snap himself out of it.
Sylvie rolled her eyes. "But babe! We don't miss!!"
Davrin rolled his back. "It's not the wall I'm worried about—that's the third dart board this year! Do you know how long they take to make??"
Unbothered, Sylvie sauntered over to grab her knife, tossing it into the air and catching it several times as she made her way over to him, eventually leaning over the bar to give him a smoldering kiss. "I promise I'll make it up to you," she purred against his lips.
"…Fine," he muttered, clearing his throat. Davrin caught her arm before she could slink away, pulling her back for another kiss.
"But you're painting the next one."
"Deal."
The smirk on Sylvie's face when she made her way back over was triumphant, and she winked at Ayla, who cackled loudly despite Dav's glare.
"Hey, blue eyes," Rook drawled when Ayla kissed him on the cheek. "Hey, handsome." He gave Emmrich a cheeky smirk and tipped his hat to him. Emmrich returned the gesture with a wary smile.
"Good evening." Emmrich eyed the knife in Rook's hand with raised brows. "Ms. Thorne tells me you're playing 'knarts'?"
"Yep!" Rook nodded, gesturing wildly with the blade. "Knife darts. Knarts."
"Hm. Well, I find I can't fault your logic there, Rook," Emmrich replied, snickering. "But…ah. Is it safe? What with so many people around and everything?"
Rook cracked a grin at him and shrugged. "They stay out of the way."
"I see…"
Ayla cackled before turning to Sylvie. "Can I have a go, sugar? I need to stab something."
She nodded and flipped the knife in her hand, offering it to Ayla pommel-first, moving to stand next to Emmrich when she took it readily. Gemma moved to his other side. "She's quite good you know," she murmured to him. "For a Warden."
They all snickered at her expense, then even louder when Ayla paused from lining up her throw to shoot them a glare. Once she felt like they'd been on the receiving end of it long enough, she settled her eyes back on her target. Mac Tir and his evil scalpel flashed across her mind again, and she took a deep breath, trying her damndest to imagine that the dartboard was his stupid fucking face instead, drawing her arm back and flinging the knife towards it in anger.
It hit the center of the bullseye so hard, almost a third of the blade sunk into it…definitely leaving a mark on the wall underneath.
"Dammit, Ayla!" Dav cursed at her from the bar.
🐴 Yeehaw Peepaw Masterpost
🩺 Latest Episode: An Arm & A Leg
These Nugflix Exclusive Minisodes are not required viewing to enjoy the main plot of the fic! They just add a little something extra 🤌
📺 Minisodes
Tal Loses His Arm
Tal Meets Dr. Mac Tir
Add Yeehaw Peepaw to your Nugflix queue: Watch the trailer here, or read now on AO3!
Gentle tags below: all of y'all and those readin' should consider yourselves gently nudged to share your stuff if you'd like! 💕
TYSM for the tags @kogarashi-art @sandcastlekings @redaresss @serialsforbellara @jenn2d2 & @wickedadaar! I always love to see what y'all have cookin', and today was no exception! 💕
For once, I'm going to post a short WIP. And, also for once, I'm going to provide zero context ('cause it's a secret). But I like this little beat I wrote recently and wanted to share it, even if I can't say just what it's for yet. Hopefully it's intriguing regardless? 😂
Fern??? Being MYSTERIOUS?!? And BRIEF?! Lmao who is she???
✧ Emmrich, kissing the love of his life on the forest floor for some reason...
Black lace, raven hair, and combat boots.
The crumbling sweetness of elephant ear cookies.
…Or were they snails?
A loud ringing laugh rising above the din of a crowded bar.
Orange blossoms, the delicate floral scent lingering in the air.
Cool hands wrap around his middle from behind as he prepares the evening's dinner. A soft kiss is planted on his back before he feels a head rest against it.
An impossibly beautiful woman with skin like the moon is lying in his bed, looking at him like he is the only thing in the entire world.
"Ayla?!"
You know the drill, I'm ploppin' the tag list below! For all of y'all and anyone reading: consider this a gentle tag to show us your WIPs if you got 'em!! ✨
Yessss, that's right! Ed x Ayla are BACK, and BOY, are they PISSSED!!
They didn't earn the moniker of 'Nevarra's Pissiest Power Couple' for nothin', y'all. Although this time it miiiiiight have something to do with that damn Desire Demon that's messing with them...😈
Who's Ed? Just imagine a slightly younger, gruffer Emmrich who swears, wears all black, is snarky as hell, has a bunch of tattoos, and uses the orb and dagger.
Are you picturing it?
Good. 'Cause that's exactly what you're getting with Ed, Emmrich's cousin, and Ayla's rough-around-the-edges 'Alternate Emmrich'. Ed pops out of his coffin whenever Ayla guest stars in a friend's Emmrook fic just to make sure she doesn't get too lonely. 😂
He originally appeared in @onelooseskull's fic New Bloom, and my brain spun out after their meet-cute, where Ayla teases she's gonna visit Ed and his cute little beetles. So I wrote this standalone fic where she does exactly that. 🪲
I've been working on Ed x Ayla's adventure since January, and I'm very excited about this final installment. There's action! Even PLOT TWISTS y'all!! It was originally only supposed to be 2 Parts, but of course, these two just kept Doing Stuff, and in classic Fern fashion, I wrote enough that I decided to split the final part for easier reading.
I've posted Parts 2 and 3 at once, so the whole fic is now available on AO3 for anyone interested, but as always there's no pressure to read!
KEEP CALM & CARRION | A SILLY SUMMARY
🪲PART 1: FANCY SEEING YOU HERE
A Horny 'Hello, again!'
🪲PART 2: A DANCE WITH DESIRE
A Horny Demon Fight
🪲PART 3: CHEESE TOASTIE
A nice helping of horny grilled cheese (& SMUT!!)
...What can I say? They're two incredibly pissy, horny idiots lmao. This is also the 2nd multi-part fic I've ever managed to finish!! 🎉
🪲 YOU CAN READ THE FIC HERE IF YOU WANNA
Sneak peeks at Parts 1, 2, & 3 below!
“Incorrect!”
His stern admonishment towards another student briefly snapped Ayla out of her drooling over the man, a hint of those harsh Nevarran consonants bleeding into the Trade he spoke in his annoyance.
…Making him somehow even fucking hotter.
“Forgive me—but a single slip of the tongue today becomes a thousand tomorrow, Watcher Pentaghast.” Ed leaned back against the operating table and tented his hands, his tone once again becoming warm. Inquisitive. “We do not call the bodies we honor with our preparations ‘corpses.’ Why?”
“It is too clinical, sir,” the man replied. “It calls attention to the physical remains only, rather than honoring the individual who has passed.”
A ghost of a smile twitched across Ed’s face. “And what shall we use instead?”
“The deceased, the departed, or the individual’s name.”
Ed’s lips settled into a satisfied smirk. “Well done, Pentaghast. It appears you won’t be sponsoring my evening pint after all…” He crossed his gorgeous forearms across his chest and leaned farther back against the table, eyes narrowing at his student.
“But mark my words. Should you call the deceased such a name again within my classroom, you’ll find yourself doing just that.”
🪲READ PART 1 HERE
Ayla ran over and tossed him his knife back for some unfathomable reason, leaving the madwoman herself utterly defenseless. Edward caught it but leveled a glare at her.
"What the fuck are you doing!?"
"Trust me!" she yelled before making moves to scurry away.
Edward huffed a sigh and rolled his eyes in annoyance, and not just at her foolishness, but also at the extremely frustrating way his heart leapt into his throat at the idea of her attempting to face a fucking demon with nothing but her bare hands. He dodged another crackling bolt of lightning and managed to hit the thing with his orb again, giving him the chance to hiss after her.
"You're insane!"
Ayla looked back over her shoulder and gave him a ridiculous smirk.
"Aw, come on, Ed—you said you were feeling brave!"
She let out a cackle, and then he watched in disbelief as she hoisted her gorgeous ass on top of a tomb and began climbing up the nearest statue.
…Maker's breath, she was a fucking lunatic.
🪲READ PART 2 HERE
"Whatcha makin', handsome?"
Edward chuckled. "Cheese toasties." He let out another soft laugh when his response made her gasp, then cackle.
"Are you serious!? Ed! Grilled cheese is my favorite." She squealed and squeezed him even tighter, doing some stupidly cute little dance against his back, reaching up to kiss him right in the middle of his tattoo. "Pfft, cheese toasties," she snickered.
"What??"
"I just can't believe you call them that." She swung around his middle and looked up into his face, her beautiful eyes holding a shocking amount of fondness. "It's fucking adorable."
Edward grumbled something noncommittal under his breath, actually strangely pleased by her conclusion. She released him and hopped up on the counter next to the stove, perching on it with a cheeky look.
"Can I help?"
He scoffed, momentarily distracted by the sight of her swinging her wonderfully bare legs, wearing nothing but one of his shirts. "Absolutely not." Edward snickered when she gasped again. "I've heard stories about your cooking, Warden Thorne. And it sounds like your talents are much better suited elsewhere."
Ayla smacked him. "What, like fucking!?" she asked, biting her lip and wiggling her eyebrows.
Edward sputtered out a laugh, then made a thoughtful face. "…I was actually going to say breadmaking."
"Shut up, you were not."
"Mm, Watcher's honor." He met her narrowed eyes with his own, folding immediately at the cute look on her face. "But I will admit you possess immeasurable talent in that area as well."
"What a charmer you are, professor," she snickered.
Edward leaned down to bring his face to hers. "We've been over this, sweetheart. I teach mortuary practices—not charms."
"Fucking hilarious, Ed," she huffed, rolling her eyes with a grin. He audibly sighed when she trailed her hands up his chest and shoulders, looping them around his neck to pull him down into a kiss.
"Could've fooled me."
🪲READ PART 3 HERE
*THE SMUTTY CHAPTER (BUT ALSO THE MOST ROMANTIC!!)
🌿Writing Masterpost
👉 Ed x Ayla also feature in these silly OC text graphics!
Ploppin' the tag list below! As always there is zero pressure to read, just sharing 'cause I'm really proud of this story (and the smut lol) and of my 2nd fully finished fic baby. Plus ofc you know I love sayin' howdy! I hope y'all are having a good week so far. 🫶
I also want to give a big thank you to onelooseskull @serialsforbellara @redaresss @lycheecatee & @sunny374940 for supporting me in my insane Alt-Emmrich madness, and for shipping Ed x my gal. 🪲💕
And thank you to any of y'all who have already read any bits of these two idiots of mine, whether through my silly posts or on AO3! I know this is niche as hell and it means a lot y'all are kind enough to humor me. I almost didn't post this fic publicly at all, so truly from the bottom of my little mushroom heart - thank you! 🥹
Thank you so much for the tags @chaosherald, @kogarashi-art, @redaresss, and ofc the lovely @woundedsoul12 for kicking off Tell Me Tuesday. I've never participated before, and it's been very cool to get an inside look at y'all's process! 💕
I've been wanting to make a post that explained the insane origins of Yeehaw Peepaw! for a while now, so I'm using this an an excuse. And yepppp, that graphic is a big-ass hint lol!!
YP is the DAI x DATV Western AU @sunny374940 & I are hard at work cooking up new episodes for in the lab, but before it came to be, it was just a wee little brain worm that popped into my head after finishing my Emmrook Nugflix holiday special. I was all hopped up on the holiday spirit (and yeah, okay, possibly some eggnog and a tipple of rum), when I decided that I wanted Emmrich and Ayla to 'Weekend-at-Bernie's' a dead guy together. Also, this exchange from the aforementioned holiday special miiight have had something to do with it. 😅
"I'm so sorry, Ayla—what a wretched man." He eyed her nervously as she got ready to leave. "What are you going to do? And how can I help?"
She shrugged her shoulders and threw up her hands. "I'm going to go make a fuck ton of cookies, I guess!!" she said with an insane laugh. Ayla flashed him a smirk and teased, "But if that doesn't work, will you help me hide his body?"
To her delight, a devious expression that rivaled her own spread across Emmrich's handsome face. "It's a date."
I'd also been huntin' for a way to give Ayla a gun, 'cause the idea is as hilarious as it is terrifying to me, and I started thinking about what other sorts of shows would be on Nugflix. The idea of modern guns doesn't really appeal to me, so a Western was the obvious choice.
And thus, Yeehaw Peepaw! was born.
I chose two scenes for this post - part of the set up, and then the one I'd been dreaming of, the 'Weekend-at-Bernie's'-ing that was so satisfying to finally get down in writing, I madwoman-cackled just like Ayla while doing it.
I'm adding the taglist below in case anyone would like to listen to me yap about these partners-in-crime, but as always my tags are gentle and there is never any pressure to read!! 💕
This is the very first scene of Yeehaw Peepaw! A Murder Most Rootin' Tootin'
𐚁 Dr. Emmrich Volkarin, searching hopelessly for his bed
Emmrich loosened his bolo tie with a weary sigh.
Em's swapped his trademark skull collar pin for a skull bolo tie, immediately signaling to the reader that This Is A Western. 😂
The lengthy week-long journey to Lavendel had already worn him out well before he was strong-armed by a few locals into joining the evening's revelries at the Golden Griffon's bar. And while the fine company and even finer brandy managed to lift his spirits somewhat, he wanted nothing more than to finally escape to the silence of his room and collapse upon the rather comfortable-looking feather bed he'd been dreaming of ever since he arrived in town earlier that afternoon.
He stumbled up the stairs before letting out another sigh. This time in annoyance.
Oh, for goodness sake.
So now we have a pretty good idea of Em's headspace. And y'all, he's not in the best mood is he? He's had a long-ass day, he's tired, it's well past his bedtime - the man is DONE. I wanted to set up the fact that Emmrich is already nearing his limit before the true bullshit even starts (sorry Em). Maybe even making you feel a bit sorry for him. Which imo makes what happens next even funnier.
As Emmrich reached the landing, it became apparent that he hadn't the faintest clue where his room even was. He had been so embarrassingly distracted by the fetching young lady who led him to it that there was no recollection of its location at all in his empty, lecherous mind.
He snickered softly to himself. While his room number remained a mystery, of course, he had somehow managed to remember her name. But even the delightful vision of the buxom, raven-haired Ms. Thorne couldn't erase his growing frustration in the present moment.
Emmrich is a gentleman and a scholar, but even he is not immune to the power of a great rack (much to his own annoyance). A common thread in every universe is that Em's always instantly besotted with Ayla. Very much against his will & better judgement.
Desperate for his bed, he made a calculated guess and swung open the door.
Unfortunately for Emmrich, it wasn't his.
…It was also decidedly occupied.
And by none other than Ms. Ayla Thorne herself.
"Andraste's fucking tits!"
An Ayla classic. I was hoping this would help give unfamiliar folks a pretty strong idea of what she's like right from the jump. 🤣
Emmrich felt his cheeks grow hot as he took in the risqué scene. Ms. Thorne wasn't alone—a rather large gentleman was wrestling about on top of her, his tall frame practically swallowing the small woman entirely.
He wasn't naive. Emmrich was well aware that brandy wasn't the only indulgence offered up at the Griffon. But he at least hoped to be spared the indignities of witnessing the act first-hand himself. And Maker have mercy, the thought of using a bed for anything other than sleeping at such a late hour seemed positively ludicrous.
Even with someone as lovely as Ms. Thorne.
Emmrich moved to shut the door, but despite his flustered state, something about the gentleman's movements gave him pause. His agitation didn't appear to be from…er…doing the deed (Emmrich was very hesitant to call such a passionless act 'lovemaking').
But rather, from violence.
It kills me that even the power of Ayla's boobs wouldn't be enough to tempt Em away from sleeping rn. I like to think that Emmrich is a very sex-positive guy, and I thought it would be very funny and true to form that he'd be much more scandalized by the fact that they're still awake at this hour vs. 'the deed' itself. Well, and also at the idea of lackluster sex lmao.
In fact, the two of them really seemed to be going at it. In the brief moment's pause before his brain whirred into action, he noticed Ms. Thorne's legs kicking furiously as she struggled, and suddenly the man let out a yelp, leaning back slightly.
"Did you just bite me?! You fucking bitch!"
In his shock, Emmrich gasped, and Ms. Thorne's response only surprised him further.
She started laughing.
Ayla's still only said one line at this point, but I feel like this bit really does a lot of the heavy lifting, introduction-wise. I was trying to immediately illustrate that this woman is fucking crazy.
And that's when he realized she really must be in terrible distress, for surely any sane woman wouldn't find such a harrowing situation funny? Certainly not enough to laugh?!
And of course, poor Emmrich is so damn sweet, his immediate conclusion from Ayla's behavior is that she's in distress. Instead of allowing it to clue him into the fact that she actually is just insane.
But laugh she did. Loud and wild. At least, until the man wrapped his large hands around her throat, squeezing them tight, and she began gasping for air, her fists pounding desperately against the villain's back.
The sight finally triggered Emmrich's mind to snap to attention.
And then, with a single flick of the wrist, he snapped the scoundrel's neck.
I'm very proud of this beat, it's probably my favorite in YP so far. I really wanted to shock the reader. Especially if you're already familiar with these two. But even if you're not, my hope was that the set up thus far along with the title of this chapter (A Murder Most Rootin' Tootin') would lead you to make the assumption that of course it would be Ayla doing the murderin'. NOPE. 😂
Her body relaxed in relief as she once again filled her lungs with air, but Ms. Thorne's ridiculously blue eyes remained wide open in surprise, and grew wider still when they finally settled on his, just now noticing him for the first time.
…Oh, dear.
Looking back, Emmrich honestly wasn't quite sure what came over him. He wasn't oft prone to violence. Sure, he might occasionally have a temper—and perhaps there had seemed to be quite a few bodies dropping around him lately—but as a scholarly, gentle sort, his ire was typically directed towards infractions that were much more frivolous in nature.
Like pairing red wine with a cream sauce.
Or when that fellow in Minrathous had the audacity to sell him imitation charms.
But murder?!
In general, even the mere idea of shedding blood outside a sanitized surgery was absolutely abhorrent to him.
Of course…there'd been no bloodshed. But he was a physician after all.
And that man was as dead as a damnable doornail.
Lots going on here lol, but I wanted to cement the fact that while Emmrich is still the kind man we know and love, this version of him is a bit quick to escalate to violence. Does he like it? No. But I wanted to establish that Western!Emmrich has a bit of an edge to him. Along with some mystery too. 'Cause wydm 'quite a few bodies' have been dropping around you lately Em?? 🧐
Also ofc have to shout out the infamous Minrathous charm banter with Em and Neve from the game, where Emmrich curses someone for selling him counterfeit charms. My hope was that referencing this canon event would help drive home the point I'm trying to make here, while also still making it believable. Emmrich might be one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet, but he's not a pushover. And if you fuck with him, he will fuck with you.
Ms. Thorne grunted as the full weight of Emmrich's victim fell upon her, and he rushed forward to pull her out from underneath him. "Ms. Thorne! Are you quite all right?!"
The poor thing clutched onto his arms in shock, her chest heaving, still attempting to catch her breath.
"FUCK!!!"
Emmrich flinched at her use of such vulgar language, but he could hardly blame the woman after such a terrifying ordeal. She was still staring at the dead man, practically trembling in his arms. "Not to worry, dear. You're safe now." His voice seemed to rouse her from her stupor. She fixed her eyes upon him, and to his utter bewilderment, Emmrich watched them narrow.
"What the fuck did you do that for?!?"
Emmrich froze. "Pardon?" He watched her put her face into her hands and let out a hushed, yet still somehow extraordinarily loud grumble.
"SHITTTTT!!! NOW what am I going to do?!?" she wailed. "I am absolutely, totally, COMPLETELY FUCKED!!"
Heavens. Poor Ms. Thorne had lost her mind.
Emmrich is a hilariously unreliable narrator atm, and unfortunately he's prescribing typical 'Western' lady norms to a woman they very much do not apply to. I was tickled by the idea of Ayla immediately subverting Emmrich's expectations in such a wild way.
I referred to this scene as 'the murder meet-cute' the entire time I was writing it btw lol.
**LATER**
𐚁 Emmrich, watching an incredibly lovely, yet equally insane woman fuss over a corpse
"There!"
Ms. Thorne stood back and proudly admired her handiwork. "You better watch out, Doc," she said, using that ridiculous nickname for him again with a mischievous wink. "He's almost as handsome as you now."
Emmrich took in the preposterous sight. Ms. Thorne had dolled up the not-so-dearly departed Dr. Mac Tir in a ridiculous ensemble, consisting of a rather large, wide-brimmed hat and poncho.
"Isn't that outfit rather…loud?" he asked tentatively, afraid to set off that temper of hers again.
She let out a delighted cackle, the sound very much at odds with the seriousness of the situation they found themselves in. But despite that, Emmrich found it awfully enchanting. So much so, he was almost tempted to join in.
"What're you, a fashion expert or something, Doc?" she snorted.
Almost.
Any other time I've written them, Em x Ayla are hilariously gooey over each other whenever they meet. And I thought it would be really fun to give them a meet-cute that was not just insane, but a first encounter where they don't really get along all that well to start.
Of course they're still drooling over each other though. 😏
Ms. Thorne fiddled with the hat one last time before declaring, "He's ready."
"I'm glad someone is," Emmrich quipped, causing her to let out another one of those charming laughs. "So, what's the plan?"
"You take one arm, and I'll take the other. We'll pop open the door and wait until we hear a commotion. When we do, we walk him down real slow and casual-like. Then we're out the front, and Bob's your uncle!"
"THAT'S your plan?!?"
Emmrich pinched his nose and shook his head.
Oh, their goose was positively cooked.
"I'm sorry—do you have a better idea?!" she argued, saucily putting her hands on her hips. "You are the one who killed him after all…"
"For goodness sake, lower your voice!" he aggressively whispered for some reason, despite the fact that they had both been conversing at quite a normal volume until now.
Really got a kick out of picturing them bickering like an old married couple while trying to hide a dead body. So that's exactly what I decided to do.
He made another exasperated sigh. It was very possible that the woman was overconfident due to an excess of beauty and charm. Emmrich readily believed Ms. Thorne's generous laughs and dangerous good looks most likely had led any number of similarly ill-planned schemes of hers to work out in the past. For who amongst them would have the strength to resist that alluring figure? Or the rather provocative way she had with words?
One of my favorite parts about writing Emmrich's POV is figuring out how he would describe things. A favorite of mine is from my silly Eggplant oneshot where he calls Ayla's sexy emojis 'erotic hieroglyphs.' But calling her ridiculously filthy mouth 'a rather provocative way with words' is definitely up there too lmao.
Certainly not Emmrich. As he barely knew the woman and he was already most assuredly preparing to dance the gallows waltz by conceding to go along with her half-baked plan. In fact, it made him feel like a bit of a fool, but when Ms. Thorne directed another sweet smile his way, he found his bed was well and truly made. And he might as well lie in it.
Just like Dr. Mac Tir.
As I said earlier, Emmrich is doomed to fall in love with Ayla's crazy ass in every universe. It's why I use siren metaphors for her so much in his POVs. Because he knows she's insane, reckless, and is going to eat him alive, but Maker help him he's going to enjoy it.
We love a self-aware king.
A sudden crash rang out from below, and Ms. Thorne grumbled another vulgar curse under her breath.
"That's our cue! Let's get a wiggle on."
She grabbed the dead man by the legs and pulled, grunting with the effort, managing to situate him enough to one side of the bed for the two of them to grab an arm each.
"Maker's breath! He's heavier than I thought," she muttered, slinging an arm around her shoulders.
Emmrich had to agree. Mac Tir was quite a large man, tall, but much stouter than himself, and he already felt beads of sweat gathering upon his brow as he and Ms. Thorne situated themselves. She was so much shorter than him, even his gentlemanly attempts at stooping couldn't make up for their wild differences in height, causing the body to slump awkwardly at an angle.
Re: how much I love writing Em's POV - he just sincerely described stooping while carrying his murder victim 'gentlemanly'. 🤣
As soon as they took the first hesitant step forward, the man's head flung backwards, unblinking eyes staring straight at the ceiling.
"Well, this looks suspicious as fuck!" Ms. Thorne wailed.
Once again, Emmrich readily agreed with her assessment. The corpse's head was dangling in admittedly quite a comical fashion, as limp as a dead fish. And if it weren't for Ms. Thorne's lucky stroke of ingenuity to tie the awful thing onto his head, the hat she so carefully adorned him with would have fallen off immediately.
Emmrich's deadpan, clinical narration of them dressing up his murder victim so they can carry him through a busy saloon will never not be funny to me.
When I write Emmrich, I tend to have him do this when he's in stressful situations. He sort of removes himself from what is going on and looks at it through an observational lens. My belief is that this is due to his anxious nature. And while his coping mechanism is obviously not funny, I made the decision for this scene to be an Emmrich POV because I knew his style of thinking would make it much funnier than Ayla's.
"Ooh! I know just the thing," Ms. Thorne exclaimed, before rushing off somewhere without warning, Mac Tir's heavy corpse nearly tumbling to the floor and taking him along with it.
"Maker have mercy," Emmrich huffed, struggling to hold the man on his own. He could hear rustling about in the adjacent room. "Quickly, now!" he urged her, impatiently. "You said it yourself, we don't want to miss our chance!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming, hold your horses," she grumbled. She appeared back into view with a triumphant look on her face and something in her hands. After fiddling about for a second, she thankfully grabbed Mac Tir's other arm, but Emmrich almost dropped the one he held himself when he saw what she added.
"Much better, no?" she asked him, giggles bubbling up out of her when she got a good look at his face.
Emmrich glanced away from her unhinged expression and back at the corpse, which, thanks to Ms. Thorne, was now wearing a jaunty pair of sunglasses, and promptly felt himself edge closer to hysterics himself.
"…Well, it's certainly not any worse," he conceded with a sigh.
If you want to know how these two idiots get on while they bury a body (coyotes are involved, y'all) you can read the full episode here:
🤠 Episode 1: A Murder Most Rootin' Tootin'
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