Title: Listen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 705 (this chapter)
Summary: Phil is a successful YouTuber, and Dan is a fan desperate for attention. Sounds like 2009, right? Except Phil is Deaf.
Tags: AU, Deaf!Phil, Mute!Dan, Both YouTubers, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Conversion Disorder, Childhood Trauma (no details)
Author’s Note: This epilogue is dedicated to Dani (@blackteelester), for reasons that will be obvious to her. :)
Entire fic also available on AO3 here
[Masterlist of all “Listen” chapters on Tumblr]
Epilogue: PINOF 6
Viewer question: “What kind of pants does Dan wear?”
Phil signed, “Well, I assume you’re talking about the British meaning of ‘pants’”—he fingerspelled the word—“meaning underwear, since you can obviously see his black skinny jeans. So I’m going to let you in on a secret: Dan doesn’t wear briefs or boxers. Actually … Dan wears pantaloons.” He had to fingerspell “pantaloons,” too, because he had no idea if a BSL sign actually existed for the ridiculous word, but he knew viewers would find it funny in the subtitles.
Dan blanched for a moment, then reddened, then gathered his composure. He signed stiffly, “I’ll have you know they are very masculine pantaloons. With only the most laddish of ruffles.”
Phil fell over on the bed, giggling hysterically.
Dan continued, straight-faced, “In fact, right now, I’m wearing very fashion-forward silken pantaloons from the latest Alexander McQueen collection.”
Phil pulled himself upright, but his signing was loose and clumsy from all the laughing. “What color are they today?”
Dan lifted his chin majestically and fingerspelled the word “fuchsia.” He continued stoically, “If a man’s outer clothing is primarily black, he has to express the more colorful, private elements of his personality through his manly pantaloons.”
Phil completely lost control, laughing so hard that he fell off the bed, which finally broke Dan’s composure, and he suddenly burst into unrestrained giggles and collapsed back onto the duvet. Phil peeked his head up to look at Dan and signed, “Are we going to leave that in?”
Dan sat up again and rolled his eyes. “Of course, you spoon. It’s hilarious.” And they grinned at each other.
Another viewer had requested that Dan play something on the piano, but they didn’t want to haul all the camera equipment into the music room, so Phil just used his phone to film it.
This had been one of Phil’s absolute requirements when they were searching for the London flat: it had to have a room they could use as a music room, something big enough for a real piano. Sure, the primary reason for the move might be the trauma specialists and speech therapists here, but the Manchester flat had been far too small for a proper piano, so Phil had considered this supposed London “bonus” non-negotiable. And so here Dan was, playing his very own piano in his simply furnished music room with the sun streaming in through the large windows while Phil filmed him on his phone.
Phil watched Dan’s fingers, but didn’t recognize any of the patterns until suddenly he saw a familiar flow along the keys and bit back a gasp. Dan was actually playing a bit from the piece he’d been composing himself lately, which Phil would have thought too private for him to want to share with fans like this. His perfectionism meant he kept getting frustrated with it because he could never get the music to sound exactly like what he heard in his head.
Phil couldn’t hear it at all, of course, but he often rested his palms on the lid of the piano while Dan played or watched those lovely long fingers move fluidly across the keys. Even now, though, after so many years together, composing seemed like such a private creative process that he always felt honored when Dan invited him to “listen” while he worked on one of his own pieces.
Dan’s lips weren’t moving right now, so he wasn’t telling the viewers that this was his own work, but just the fact that Dan played part of his own composition for the video showed how far he’d come in his self-confidence and willingness to share himself with his audience. Phil thought back on the Dan he’d first met, the Dan he’d rescued from hiding in the corner of the Apple Store, and felt a rush of love and admiration for this beautiful, wonderful man and all he’d accomplished over the years, how comfortable he had become with simply being himself and letting it show to the world.
Of course, they could always edit this part out later if they wanted to, if Dan decided it was too much, but somehow, Phil didn’t think Dan would ask for that. He wasn’t hiding anymore.
Author’s End Note: Yes, it’s finally finished! Writing this story has been so incredibly informative and interesting and fun! I still have another list of info and links about sign language, Deaf culture, and stuff (including a list of d/Deaf YouTubers’ channels with short descriptions of each so you can see which ones you’re interested in checking out), which I will finish up and post sometime soon, since so many people have expressed further interest in those issues as a result of reading this story (which I find incredibly cool). Thank you to everyone who was so supportive while I was writing and posting this, with special thanks again to The Treehouse Mailing List folks, who were the first ones who convinced me this story was worth something and encouraged me to keep going.
Title: Listen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 32K total
Summary: Phil is a successful YouTuber, and Dan is a fan desperate for attention. Sounds like 2009, right? Except Phil is Deaf.
Tags: AU, Deaf!Phil, Mute!Dan, Both YouTubers, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Deaf Culture, Sign Language, Conversion Disorder, Childhood Trauma (not described)
Entire fic also available on AO3 here
Chapter 1: The Lonely Boy
Chapter 2: Talk to Me
Chapter 3: What Matters
Chapter 4: Show Me
Chapter 5: First
Chapter 6: Emergence (with art by @pxheart!)
Chapter 7: Communication
Chapter 8: The Definition of “Normal”
Chapter 9: Survivor
Chapter 10: Coming Out (with more art by @pxheart!)
Epilogue: PINOF 6
Also: Some Author’s Notes about deafness, Deaf culture, and this fic
Also: Some more Author’s Notes about those same topics
I’ve been meaning to post this for ages, and so here it finally is: just some final notes about my Deaf!Phil/mute!Dan AU fic “Listen,” about the process of writing it, and about some resources you may want to check out. This is rather long, because I did a lot of research and have a lot of resources to offer, so I’ll put most of it under a cut.
Some General Comments and Thoughts
First, I wanted to point out a couple of statistics. Approximately 90% of deaf children are born to hearing parents, but only about 20% of those children’s parents learn to sign. I think that's incredibly sad. A lot of deaf children are not introduced to language as early as hearing children are, even though (statistically) babies can sign better at a younger age than they can talk. As a result, most deaf babies are denied language for the first few years of their life, which are a crucial period for linguistic learning. The current Deaf culture movement lobbies strongly for deaf children to be taught sign language from birth to give them the same opportunities for learning that hearing children have.
Second, I wanted to point out something that I learned about d/Deafness while researching this story. Many many many d/Deaf people do not consider their lack of hearing a "problem" that needs to be "fixed." Many are proud to be d/Deaf. I try to participate in the movement to raise awareness that deafness is not a disability or a handicap—it's just a different way of interacting with the world—and that Deaf culture is as valid and rich and beautiful as any other culture. They just use a different language.
Third, I wanted to say something about some of the words I used in this fic. While writing this story, I struggled constantly with using words like "say," "talk," "hear," "listen," etc., when I was writing about characters who did not use their voices to communicate. For example, "I don't want to talk about it," "He didn't know what he was going to hear" (before Dan "talks" about his past), etc. It didn't feel natural to always use "sign," when "saying something" isn't actually about producing sounds with your mouth—it's about communicating. In sign language, they have creative ways of dealing with this, so if someone were to sign, "I listened to him tell that story," they might use the ASL or BSL sign for "listen," but make the sign under their eye instead of under their ear ... showing that they “listened” with their eyes. It’s amazing how flexible, expressive, and creative sign language can be! (This example was thanks to Rogan Shannon's response to a question I left in a comment on one of his videos. A link to Rogan’s excellent YouTube channel is below.)
Some Specific Videos and Resources
Some specific videos and resources that I found particularly interesting:
“What is it like to be DEAF?”: a truly phenomenal, moving, very personal video by a man named De'Angelo Brown, talking about his painful experience growing up d/Deaf surrounded by people who did not understand or support him. His positive attitude despite such a difficult past is inspirational. The video is just one man signing, in black-and-white, with no background, but this video is incredible, really. I recommend that everyone watch this.
"Deaf Lens": a TEDTalk by Wayne Betts Jr., an innovative deaf filmmaker. I feel like my Deaf!Phil could totally have ended up being a filmmaker like this later in his life.
"What's It Like Being Deaf In College?": a video about d/Deaf students' experiences in mainstream universities, which made me think about my Deaf!Phil at the University of York.
Camp Mark Seven: a deaf film camp, created entirely for deaf kids who want to become filmmakers. They sometimes make music videos, one of which—Pharrell Williams's "Happy"—went viral on YouTube for a while. Notice that they perform ASL *interpretations* of songs, not word-for-word translations, because word-for-word translation isn't really how sign language works. Facial expression, body language, and other visual cues contribute tremendously to sign language communication, and you can see a lot of that in Camp Mark Seven’s videos. I imagine my Deaf!Phil would have loved this camp when he was a kid!
"My Song": a beautiful, poignant short film about d/Deaf identity. I know I have recommended this film before, but I thought it was worth mentioning again, because it is so beautiful and amazing.
"The Enchanting Music of Sign Language": a fascinating TEDTalk by Christine Sun Kim, a deaf artist who uses sound as part of her art. So incredibly cool!
Wells Fargo’s commercial about sign language: Yes, I’m actually including a commercial here! Wells Fargo made a commercial about a same-sex couple learning sign language in order to adopt a deaf child, and it’s incredibly sweet and short enough that you can watch it without committing too much of your time.
“Opening Our Ears to the Deaf”: a TEDTalk by a hearing woman named Pamela Weisman about the hearing world’s difficulty in understanding, accepting, and interacting with the people who are deaf.
“Protecting and Interpreting Deaf Culture“: a TEDTalk by a Deaf woman named Glenna Cooper who was raised mainstream by parents who did not accept her deafness and tried to force her to fit into the hearing culture. She talks about her discovery of Deaf culture, language, and pride. She describes very entertainingly some of the difference between Deaf culture and hearing culture, such as the fact that Deaf people apparently tend to be very blunt and honest in comparison to hearing culture. She’s really funny and articulate and well worth watching!
There are a lot of other TEDTalks about d/Deaf issues, and so if you’re interested, I recommend just searching for “deaf TEDTalk,” and you’ll find lots of neat stuff.
YouTube Channels
These are my favorites of the YouTube channels I discovered while researching for this fic. I mentioned some of them in my previous notes post, but here I’ll give you a slightly different list of just my favorites, and with a bit of description of each so you can have a better idea of which ones you might be interested in checking out:
Rogan Shannon: Rogan is my favorite of the YouTube channels I discovered while writing this fic. He makes simple vlogging videos in which he just discusses various topics that interest him (always in ASL but with excellent captions). He talks about d/Deaf issues, LGBTQIA+ issues, books he's been reading, and other random stuff ... but he is always articulate and animated and intelligent and interesting. I can't recommend his channel highly enough. I subscribe to him and watch his videos pretty much immediately when they come out. He doesn’t have nearly as many subscribers as he deserves!
ASL Stew: A lesbian married couple—one Deaf and the other a hearing ASL interpreter—talk about various d/Deaf issues. Notice that though one of the partners is hearing, she usually does not SimCom in the videos & chooses instead to sign in ASL, then add a voiceover translation in editing. (They actually add voiceovers for both of them, though I believe the Deaf woman does not in fact speak orally, so no captions are necessary.) In fact, in one of their later videos the hearing partner discusses the issues with SimCom and expresses regret that she SimCommed in their earlier videos. They also have a side channel, ASL Stew Life, where they make videos about other stuff, mostly just about their lives (such as their current pregnancy), rather than about deafness-related issues.
Rikki Poynter: Rikki is, I think, the youngest of the YouTubers I’m listing here, which may make her more relatable for many readers of my fic. She often has really interesting things to say, and she’s a very active advocate for accessibility (especially good captioning of YouTube videos) and the D/deaf community in general. The two videos of hers that I found most useful in my research and particularly recommend are "From Being An Oral Deaf Adult to Using ASL" and "How I Discovered the Deaf Community.”
Jessica Kellgren-Fozard: Jessica posts a wide variety of content on her channel, including make-up tutorials, hair tutorials, commentary about vintage fashion, disability issues (including videos about accessibility and how to deal with specific disability issues like chronic nausea, because she has significant physical disabilities) as well as deafness related material. She’s absolutely beautiful and charismatic, with an incredible sense of style, and also occasionally posts charming videos that feature her much less fashion-conscious but still incredibly cool hearing wife, who is a dentist. Her channel isn’t ideal if you’re looking for sign language stuff, though, because she’s very oral and uses a very English-language-based version of sign language (called “SEE” or “Signing Exact English”) instead of actual BSL. Even when she signs, she speaks at the same time, so there are no captions needed.
Sign Duo: This is a channel featuring another deaf/hearing couple, but I actually primarily like that their channel because it mostly isn’t about D/deaf issues. When the channel first began, it was mostly about the fact that he’s Deaf and she’s hearing and how that affects their relationship, but now their channel is mostly just about these two young people (in their 20′s) living their normal lives in Southern California ... just the guy happens to be Deaf and the girl happens to be hearing. So they post videos about all kinds of stuff other vloggers post about, including their most recent videos about carving pumpkins for Halloween and doing some kind of spicy ramen challenge. It’s interesting and cool to see a Deaf/hearing relationship normalized. This is just a Deaf guy living his life with his girlfriend, like any other guy. Sometimes the girl translates for her Deaf boyfriend, but I still always turn on captions, because he often signs things she doesn’t translate.
CODA Brothers: CODA stands for "children of deaf adults," and they are a community whose place in the deaf/hearing world is an odd one, since even as hearing children they often grow up with sign language as their first language and continue to use it as their preferred language in adulthood. Many of them identify as part of the Deaf culture/community. The CODA Brothers channel is basically just two brothers in Minnesota, kind of wacky, who are hearing but were raised by deaf parents, and (like many CODA) they prefer to communicate through signing. They make humorous videos about lots of issues around d/Deafness as well as what it's like to be CODA (feeling like you don't really fit in with either the hearing or the Deaf community). They sign almost all of their videos and usually provide their own voiceovers ("for the ASL impaired"), but a lot of their humor is "inside jokes" that you only get if you're at least a little familiar with ASL, Deaf culture, CODA issues, etc. They're also often really sarcastic (such as in their "What Deaf people LOVE about Interpreters" video. I think their channel is primarily intended for a CODA audience, but I really like them. And if you’ve read my fic “Listen,” then you probably know enough about deafness, sign language, and Deaf culture to get a lot of their jokes.
Well, I think those are the last of my lingering notes from the writing of “Listen” that I’ve been meaning to share. I hope some of you find the information interesting and check out some of these videos and YouTube channels. Deaf culture is very interesting and unique, completely separate from hearing culture, and I think we could all be better informed and prepared to interact sensitively and respectfully with d/Deaf people we may encounter in our lives.
Thank you to everyone who expressed their growing interest in Deaf culture and learning sign language as a result of reading this fic. It meant a lot to me that my story impacted people’s awareness, acceptance, and understanding.
Title: Listen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2.5K (this chapter)
Summary: Phil is a successful YouTuber, and Dan is a fan desperate for attention. Sounds like 2009, right? Except Phil is Deaf.
Tags: AU, Deaf!Phil, Mute!Dan, Both YouTubers, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Conversion Disorder
Fic also available on AO3 here
[Masterlist of all “Listen” chapters on Tumblr]
Chapter 5: First
Dan evaporated like mist, as if he’d never existed. One moment, Phil felt a constant frisson of awareness of that delicious warmth along his side, only inches away, and then suddenly … nothing.
Well, not nothing: a couple of very enthusiastic teenage girls, obviously subscribers, mouths moving excitedly, probably not really thinking about the fact that he couldn’t hear a word they were saying, though his lip reading had improved a lot since he'd first left the Deaf school. But then the girls were miming requests to take selfies with him, and Phil happily obliged, as always. But his mind was elsewhere. Where had Dan gone? Phil hugged the girls goodbye, trying to smile warmly as he waved at them, attempting to shoo them off without being rude. They clutched their phones, giggling, as he turned away to look frantically up and down the street.
His phone vibrated in his pocket.
Dan: i’m in the apple store. come get me when theyre gone
The girls were still watching him with obvious fascination, so Phil strolled away from them and ducked into a nearby bookstore.
Phil: I’m in the WHSmith. I’ll wait until I’m sure they’re gone. Don’t you ever get fans stopping you in the street?
Dan: no
Phil: How is that possible? You have more subscribers than I do!
Dan: i don’t go out much & i keep my head down. maybe i dont have many subscribers in wokingham
Phil: I know you don’t go to the conventions, but surely you’ve met some of your fans sometime?
Dan: no
Dan: i mean then theyd know i can’t talk
Phil stood staring at his phone, not knowing what to say in response to that. He went to the front of the store and cautiously peered out. No sign of the excited girls. The Apple Store was about a block away, so he started walking in that direction.
Dan had never met a subscriber? At least all Phil’s viewers knew he was Deaf, and so he could be himself if he met them on the street and they wouldn’t be surprised. He had nothing to hide. But Dan let everyone believe that the “silent movie” theme was just his signature video style. He interacted with his audience enthusiastically on social media, but … he never interacted with anyone in person. He’d never even done any collabs with other YouTubers, as far as Phil knew.
Phil suddenly wondered if he was the only one Dan had told. He’d never thought about it, but now that he did, it seemed obvious.
He’d seen Dan interact frequently not only with fans but also with various other YouTubers on social media over the past couple years, and he seemed very friendly with many of them, especially the ones he knew Phil was personal friends with. Dan was always joking and supportive and self-deprecatingly funny with them all. But … Phil was probably the only one he’d trusted with the truth.
In the crowded Apple Store, Phil spotted Dan huddled in a corner with his hoodie pulled up to cover his hair and much of his face. He was staring down at his phone, his shoulders hunched as if braced for a blow. Phil stopped a couple feet away, not wanting to startle him.
Phil: I’m right behind you.
Dan turned immediately, and the pinched look on his face hurt Phil’s heart. His brown eyes were wide and frightened, his mouth tight and drawn. He looked back down at his phone, typing.
Dan: they didn’t see me did they?
Phil shook his head, smiling sadly, and then couldn’t help but take Dan in his arms for the first time. He was so much larger than the girls Phil had hugged only moments ago, but so much dearer and more precious, because this was Dan. His Dan. And he was hiding in an Apple Store because he was afraid.
Dan’s body went completely rigid for a moment, but then he suddenly relaxed into Phil’s hold as if deflating. His head sank down so that his forehead rested on Phil’s shoulder and he wrapped his long arms around Phil’s waist, squeezing as if clinging to a life raft in stormy seas. Phil raised a hand to brush aside the hoodie so he could stroke Dan’s hair slowly, over and over again. And maybe they were making a bit of a spectacle of themselves in the corner of the Apple Store, but Phil didn’t care.
But Dan might.
So Phil pulled away gently and waited for Dan’s head to come up. Phil gestured questioningly toward the door, and Dan nodded. Phil mimed putting his hood up, and Dan did, glancing around nervously. They left the store and walked to the bus stop more quickly than they’d been walking when they first left the Starbucks.
They didn’t talk at the stop, or even on the bus. They just stared at their individual phones, not even texting each other. Dan just followed Phil like a shadow.
When they arrived at the flat, Dan hovered near the front door, clearly nervous, as Phil removed his coat and hung it on the peg in the entryway. Dan’s eyes flitted here and there, trying to take in the whole room at once. He’d seemed skittish ever since the fans in the high street.
“Want a tour?” Phil signed, using his facial expression and inviting gesture to make his meaning clear. Dan nodded, pulling his hoodie sleeves down to mostly cover his hands in a move Phil had seen on Skype a hundred times, but which he found utterly adorable nonetheless.
Phil led him to the lounge and signed, “The lounge,” before identifying the signs for “table,” “sofa,” and “Playstation.” Well, okay, he fingerspelled “Playstation,” mostly just to see Dan smile. Phil pulled out his phone again.
Phil: How did you learn fingerspelling?
Dan pressed his palms together and then pulled them apart as if opening a book, which seemed clear enough. Phil nodded in understanding: Dan had actually gone looking for a book to learn the BSL alphabet. Phil’s heart swelled.
Dan held up a hand, and Phil stopped, watching him. Then Dan repeated the signs for “lounge,” “table,” and “sofa,” before laboriously fingerspelling “Playstation.”
“That’s great!” Phil signed with a broad smile. “Good memory!” He knew Dan would be able to figure out some of the signs just from context and from what they looked like, since BSL was fairly visually intuitive. So he led him through the flat, pointing things out and slowly signing their names, watching fondly when Dan copied him.
When he’d finished the tour, they wound up standing in the kitchen, just glancing around, avoiding each other’s eyes, not sure what to do next.
In the back of his mind, he kept remembering Dan’s intent eyes back at the Starbucks, Dan signing, “I want to kiss you.” Dan signing, “I love you.” But the Dan here with him in his flat in the present moment seemed comparatively distant and uncomfortable, shoulders hunched as tight as they’d been in the Apple Store, hands shoved nervously in his jeans pockets. He looked young and uncertain and self-conscious.
Resorting to the manners his mum had taught him, Phil picked up the kettle and signed, “Tea?” Then he held up the can of instant coffee and signed, “Or coffee?”
Dan’s shoulders lowered an inch or so and he nodded, clearly relieved. “Coffee,” he signed. Phil wondered if the caffeine might just make them both more jittery and nervous, but at least it would give them something to do. And the only other thing he could think about doing was basically leaping on Dan and claiming some of those promised kisses … and Dan didn’t look remotely ready for that right now.
They ended up playing several games of Mario Kart and Crash Bandicoot, letting their coffees go cold on the side table as they sat side-by-side on Phil’s sofa. Dan was a Mario Kart master, utterly destroying Phil every race and pretending no false modesty as he performed a shameless victory dance after every win. Phil pretended to pout about it, but really he was just happy to see Dan laughing and bouncing up and down. He was also pleased that Dan seemed to finally be making himself at home, running through the game menus himself instead of deferring to Phil like some kind of polite guest.
They slouched down on the sofa when they’d decided they’d had enough gaming, both relaxed and smiling. Neither of them said anything for a long moment, and Phil just savored the presence of Dan in his flat. Finally. After all this time! Dan was actually here!
He turned his head to look at this boy, this young man he’d been longing for, dreaming of, for so long. Years of long-distance courting through DMs and texts and Skype calls. And somehow, for some reason, Dan had finally decided to fully trust him, had bought a ticket and gotten on a train and ridden for hours, had braved the wild subscribers of Manchester’s high street … all for Phil. He could feel his heart beating, feel his own pulse in his fingertips and in his throat and on his tongue and … Dan turned to meet his gaze. Phil held his breath. Then Dan’s eyes dropped to Phil’s lips, then back up to meet Phil’s eyes. Phil licked his lips, not trying to be seductive but just not wanting to have dry lips for their first kiss … because that’s what was about to happen, right? He could see the reciprocated longing on Dan’s face, the slight parting of his lips, the intensity in his gaze.
And then Dan looked away, running a hand through his fringe, trying to straighten it, then fluff it, all movements Phil had seen him make on Skype, but in this case Dan had no image of himself to look at, so it was obviously just nervous habit.
Phil wondered if Dan wanted him to take the lead. Maybe Dan was too nervous to initiate a kiss? But that didn’t feel right. It felt like if this was going to happen—and Phil was pretty darn certain it would happen eventually, even if it wasn’t today, even if it wasn’t this weekend at all—it needed to happen on Dan’s schedule. When Dan was ready.
When their lips first met, Dan would be the one to close that last tiny distance between them.
Dan stood up and prowled restlessly around the lounge, inspecting the movies, games, books, and knick-knacks on the various shelves, occasionally casting a nervous glance at Phil on the sofa. Eventually, he held up a DVD case for the horror film Cube and raised an eyebrow, eyes darting toward the tv then back at Phil. Phil shrugged and nodded, gesturing toward the DVD player in invitation. Dan put the disc in and hovered in front of the tv, using the remote to start the film. The subtitles started automatically with Phil’s default settings. Dan went to turn off the overhead lamp, which surprised Phil, since they’d talked about Dan’s fear of the dark. They’d also talked about his ironic preference for full immersion when he watched horror films, though, so maybe it shouldn’t have been surprising.
It definitely made the room feel more intimate, though.
And when Dan returned to the sofa, he sat a little closer to Phil this time.
In fact, their arms were touching slightly. Phil found himself painfully aware of the gooseflesh rising everywhere Dan’s skin innocently brushed his. He stared fixedly at the television screen, though he paid no attention to what he was actually watching. He’d seen the film before, of course, but right now his brain was a blank, all his senses attuned to the warm body so close beside him, so near after they’d been so far apart for so long. His hands begged to reach for Dan, but Phil twined his fingers together in his lap to control himself.
When he felt Dan’s eyes on him again, he turned his head. The flickering light from the telly made it difficult to read Dan’s expression, but the body language couldn’t have been clearer as Dan leaned slightly closer, then hesitated again. Wanting to help alleviate some of the built-up tension and awkwardness, Phil smiled softly and signed again, for the first time since the Starbucks, “I love you, Dan.” He wasn’t sure how well Dan would be able to see his hands in the dim lighting, but the change in Dan’s facial expression said it had been enough.
A moment later, Phil’s eyes closed as a soft mouth touched his, the barest brush at first, just a hint of contact, uncertain, questioning. Phil kept his lips pliant, parting them very slightly beneath Dan’s to show his interest without pressing for anything more. A warm hand reached up to cradle the side of his face, and Phil could feel a slight tremble in Dan’s fingers as he scooted closer to Phil on the sofa and leaned more fully into the kiss. Phil tilted his head slightly to improve the angle, and this aligned their mouths perfectly, Dan’s hand sliding up into Phil’s hair and a timid tongue darting quickly across the sensitive skin of his bottom lip.
Then Dan slid away again, and the brief kiss was over. Dan’s eyes watched him nervously from the distance he’d put between them until he eventually signed anxiously, “Was that okay?”
Phil closed his eyes again for a moment, just savoring the memory of that gentle intimacy, and then opened his eyes to gaze fondly at Dan as he signed, “The best.” In case Dan didn’t understand the sign, Phil raised a hand to press two fingers softly to his own lips and smiled, letting his eyes close again.
When he opened them, Dan was smiling too, glancing down shyly and then back up at Phil through his lashes. He licked his lips, probably unconsciously, and copied Phil’s sign. “The best,” Dan signed, and Phil knew a bewitching blush probably suffused that beautiful face undetected in the darkened lounge.
The film continued to play, ignored, a few feet away, but Phil just admired how its light emphasized the shadow of dimple in Dan’s cheek as they gazed at each other with a sort of blissful, tender joy he’d never experienced before in his entire life.
“I love you,” Dan signed quickly, and then he scooted close to cuddle against Phil’s side, nestling his head onto Phil’s shoulder so that his hair tickled Phil’s cheek, and they pretended to turn their attention back to watching the film, actually just breathing together and feeling closer than any two people had ever been.
Author’s Note: Feed your local fanfic author! Likes, comments, reblogs, reblogs with lovely tags ... go ahead, make my day!
Title: Listen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2K (this chapter)
Summary: Phil is a successful YouTuber, and Dan is a fan desperate for attention. Sounds like 2009, right? Except Phil is Deaf.
Tags: AU, Deaf!Phil, Mute!Dan, Both YouTubers, Strangers to Friends to Lovers
Author’s Note: Strangely enough, Phil’s traditional wave of the hand when he says, “Hi guys,” at the start of his videos irl is pretty much the British Sign Language sign for “hello.”
Fic also available on AO3 here
[Masterlist of all “Listen” chapters on Tumblr]
Chapter 4: Show Me
People rushed all around Phil, sometimes bumping into him, probably muttering unheard politely British words of apology. Phil ignored them, keeping his eyes on Dan’s train as it pulled into the station and the doors opened, emitting more hurried people. Phil watched for a tall, dark head and a familiar face, scanning the crowd eagerly.
When he didn’t see Dan right away, he pulled out his phone to give it a quick look, wondering if he should text something. They weren’t going to be able to talk, after all, so they’d almost certainly rely on texting as they had on Skype. Writing on paper and white boards had been dismal failures, since Dan’s handwriting was not only nearly illegible but inevitably smeared by his left-handedness. So they’d fallen into the habit of hanging out on Skype and texting each other, looking up to see each other’s reactions. Now they’d finally be able to do the same thing in person.
He fiddled with his phone a second, then decided that he didn’t need to text quite yet. He was tall enough that Dan should be able to spot him pretty easily. So he put his phone back in his pocket for the moment.
When he looked up, Dan had appeared in front of him as if by magic, looking young and beautiful and nervous. Phil smiled, and Dan waved his left hand in an exaggerated gesture, almost as if he was mocking Phil’s intro to his videos. Phil felt his smile slip a bit. But then Dan bit his lip shyly and gestured with his hands what looked a lot like BSL for “Not right?”
Phil’s eyes widened and his smiled broadened with excited surprise. Phil’s intro to his videos was the BSL sign for “hello,” after all, and that was what Dan had been doing, not mocking him.
Phil signed in awe, “You learned BSL for me?”
Dan ducked his head, scuffing his sneaker against the concrete of the platform, then looked up to meet Phil’s eyes again. He smiled and shrugged awkwardly, then signed, “A little. Not good.” His blush was adorable.
Phil swooped in and wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, laughing aloud and swinging him around in a circle. Dan grabbed his shoulders tightly at the unexpected sensation of leaving the ground, but grinned broadly when Phil planted him back on his feet.
Their eyes met and Phil desperately wanted to lean forward and finally kiss the lips he’d been fantasizing about for years, but he remembered how hesitant Dan had been when admitting his degree of inexperience, how Dan had texted him during one of their Skype calls that “nobody ever wanted to date a dummy.” He’d looked so vulnerable there on Phil’s computer screen, gazing down into his own lap so that he wouldn’t have to see Phil’s reaction.
Phil might have had a supportive social network and understanding friends at the Deaf school in Manchester, but Dan had always been alone in his muteness, surrounded by a world that didn’t accept or understand him, a world that instead mocked and belittled and judged. So Phil tried to keep in mind that this would all be very new to Dan, having someone really listening to him in person and not just over the Internet.
Dan might not speak orally, but—like Phil—he still spoke to thousands of YouTube viewers on a regular basis. Unlike Phil, though, he wasn’t used to speaking to someone in real life who understood him … especially not someone who had been pretty clear about his romantic and sexual attraction. From what little Dan had said, Phil figured he’d had probably never even flirted with anyone in person.
So Phil restrained himself from even reaching for Dan’s hand and instead just signed, “I’m so happy to see you!”
Dan nodded, his eyes roaming Phil’s face eagerly. Then he signed, “Coffee?”
Phil signed the letters to spell “Starbucks” and raised his eyebrows questioningly. When Dan nodded again, Phil picked up Dan’s bag and slung it over his own shoulder and gestured to Dan to follow.
Dan went to find them a table while Phil placed their orders. As usual, he just typed the order into his phone, then held it up for the cashier to read. He always set the font to be nice and large so he didn’t actually have to hand his phone over to strangers. The cashier smiled at him and he smiled back, then he turned to look for Dan.
He’d found a table near the large windows, and Phil went to join him. He pointed at his ear, then at Dan, then toward the counter, hoping that Dan would understand that he should listen for their names to be called when their drinks were ready, and Dan nodded.
The thick condensation on the windows made the world outside hazy and indistinct. Dan lifted a finger and drew a happy face in the moisture, then turned to beam at Phil. Phil lifted his own finger and drew a heart, making Dan blush and look away. But then a foot hooked around his ankle under the table and Phil knew that he hadn’t overstepped.
Suddenly the foot was gone and Dan jumped up to walk to the counter. He came back with their drinks and sat down again, looking into his coffee and stirring it in an obviously nervous manner. Phil reached out to touch his wrist to get his attention, and Dan looked up. “How was your trip?” Phil signed.
Dan frowned slightly, his brows drawing together in apparent confusion. He reddened and looked down again, then pulled out his phone. Phil watched him, puzzled, but then his own phone buzzed.
Dan: i didn’t actually learn that much sign language. just what I could find on youtube and from watching you
Phil looked up, but Dan still wasn’t meeting his eyes.
Phil: I think it’s incredible that you learned any at all! Now would you please at least look at me????
Dan looked up, and they smiled at each other. They sipped from their mugs and just looked at each other for a while. Phil nudged Dan’s foot under the table and they both grinned. Phil picked up his phone again.
Phil: So what signs do you know?
Dan shrugged, looking embarrassed. Then he was typing.
Dan: i’m not very good with sentences, mostly just words you say a lot in your videos
Phil raised his eyebrows, suddenly curious. Dan smirked mischievously, then signed, “Sweets.” Phil giggled. “Lion.” They both laughed. “Christmas. Anyway. Hugs. Adventure Time. Oh my god. To be honest. Best thing ever.” They were both snickering uncontrollably now. Then, with a flourish, Dan signed, “Today’s draw Phil naked is…” and they both laughed so loud that several people turned to look. Phil didn’t care a bit. Dan had watched his videos enough to learn some signs! He’d actually watched Phil’s hands and read the subtitles and purposely taught himself some BSL … just to surprise Phil when they met.
It was probably the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him.
He looked at Dan’s lips and thought again about what it would be like to kiss him. When he raised his eyes to meet Dan’s gaze, he’d clearly been caught, because Dan was blushing again. He hooked his foot around Dan’s ankle and Dan’s smile brightened.
Phil: THANK YOU!!!! :)))))
He didn’t type, “I love you,” even though he wanted to, because suddenly that felt awkward, now that they were together in person, even though they’d been saying it for ages online. Telling someone you love them when you’ve just met felt kind of weird. Even though his heart was nearly bursting with it.
His phone buzzed in his hand.
Dan: if i text you some stuff can you show me how to sign it?
Phil nodded eagerly. Here he’d expected that they would have to communicate exclusively through texts during the whole visit, and instead Dan wanted to learn more BSL? This was better than anything he’d even dared imagine.
Dan: the train ride was really boring
Phil signed the sentence, and Dan copied him carefully, if a bit awkwardly.
Dan: i kept thinking about you
Phil’s smile grew while he signed that one. Then he signed, “I was thinking about you, too,” before typing the same sentence into a text.
Dan: dan is going to learn sign language
Dan frowned slightly in apparent confusion when Phil signed the statement, then clarified what had confused him in a text.
Dan: what was that sign you used?
Phil: which sign?
Dan held the letterspelling sign for “D” to his heart, head cocked with curiosity.
Phil: That’s my sign for your name.
Dan’s smile somehow became even sweeter as he glanced shyly down at the table, dimples clearly visible, then picked up his phone again.
Dan: then my sign for your name is
and he held the letterspelling sign for “P” to his own heart. His eyes met Phil’s and they didn’t look away. Phil still didn’t sign or text, “I love you,” but he felt like they both said it with their eyes. His friends and family had other signs for his name, but this would always be his favorite one now. He looked at Dan’s hand, still held to his heart, and then looked back into Dan’s eyes. After a moment, his phone buzzed.
Dan: you’re my favorite person
Phil: You’re mine, too.
Dan: no, show me how to sign it doofus!
They both chuckled, and Phil signed, “You’re my favorite person.” Dan mimicked him, signing the same thing back at him. Then Dan barraged him with a series of requests for signs, and Phil complied, modeling how to say each of the requested words and sentences in BSL, then watching Dan sign the same things back to him.
Dan: this is the best day of my life
Dan: i feel like the luckiest person ever
Dan: boyfriend
Dan: kiss
Dan: i want to kiss you
Surprised, almost shocked, Phil decided to make a joke to lighten the atmosphere, not wanting to risk Dan getting uncomfortable with how quickly things were moving.
Phil: Right here in the Starbucks?
But Dan’s face was serious. He glanced at Phil’s lips, then down at his phone.
Dan: just show me how to sign it. i want to see you sign it
Phil bit his lip, his heart pounding, then decided that he could be as brave as Dan was being. Dan was watching him again as Phil texted his reply.
Phil: Sure. It’s true, anyway.
When Dan looked up from his phone, Phil signed, “I want to kiss you.” Dan looked him directly in the eyes as he copied the signs in return.
Dan: phil has his own flat
Raising his eyebrows, Phil signed it, using Dan’s sign for his name.
Dan: we could be there right now
Phil signed the sentence, then shook his head in admiration. He’d expected Dan to be hesitant, but instead the boy was displaying an openness and honesty and courage that only made Phil fall even harder than he had already. “I love you,” he signed, not holding himself back anymore. Dan’s eyes widened, so apparently he had seen that one somewhere on YouTube, or maybe Phil had signed it to his viewers in one of his videos? In any case, Dan obviously understood what Phil had signed. After a slight hesitation, he signed the same in return, the movements of his hands and fingers slow and deliberate as he held Phil’s gaze.
They both stilled, just breathing in the private moment that surrounded them despite the busy strangers bustling around them in the coffee shop.
“I love you, Phil,” Dan signed again, adding on the sign he’d created for Phil’s name.
“I love you, too, Dan,” Phil signed, and then he reached his hand across the table, relieved when Dan took it and squeezed his fingers. They stayed that way until Phil couldn’t stand it anymore. He pulled his hand away and signed slowly, “Phil has his own flat. We could be there right now. Kissing.” And Dan smiled.
Dan: i’m pretty sure i understood that. let’s go
He stood up, smiling the loveliest smile Phil had ever seen, and pocketed his phone.
