#my garbage writing

[damnassgayassali]

big things happening… wrote retextured madhel fanfic for my creative writing course and then had it discussed in workshop

so peer-reviewed post college, early adulthood madhel fic coming to an ao3 account near you 😭

[countrylessman]

TANNER HEADCANONS PT. 2!!! yeah it only took me about 2 years to make and compile. i think about this funne cop man every day, yet i haven't made a hc post in a couple of years

tanner nearly drank a lethal dose of caffeine once. we don't talk about that time.

i believe it was mentioned somewhere in the driver novel, but still. tanner just can't cook. every time he tries, he nearly starts a fire. the best thing he can cook is just a plain fried egg. john just lives off of chinese takeouts next to his home (canon in the novel). yeah, everyone around questions how is he still alive

another thing mentioned in the novel is that tanner has a bass guitar. it was said that he wasn't good at it as he only played it once he got really hammered, but in my fanon he picked up the bass again when he was sitting at home, recovering from the coma. and he's gotten pretty good at it ever since!

i've mentioned in the first part that he really loves his car. i think tanner is the type of person who truly believes that all vehicles have a soul - and treats them like people because of that. for example, john loves to treat his challenger with a nice wash or an oil change, and feels guilty when he messes her up. he might be a bit weird about it, but he's just a hardcore car guy, it's not surprising. jones doesn't get it, but he doesn't mind either

john has punched a hole in the wall at some point in his life. maybe even twice.

he nearly knocks people over when he hugs them. he's so used to manhandling everything, i bet when you ask him to shake your hand he would accidentally nearly rip it off

i'm just gonna say it. the moldy waffles incident wasn't the only time tanner ate expired food and hallucinated nonsense while vomiting. there were more weird tuesdays, knowing john...

when tanner plays video games, he cheats or hacks very often. i mean, if he's a really determined man, and ubisoft themselves say he often gets on the other side of the law to achieve what he wants (and what he wants is justice, which isn't really relevant to this hc, but anyway...), why can't he break the rules in games too? his cheating gets worse when he plays multiplayer competetive games. the man just can't accept it if he loses

speaking of video games, he's a bad driver in racing games. sorry not sorry but i just find it funny to imagine that he's such a good driver in real life, and in video games he can't get used to the controls and handling. he still loves them though! he just cannot not love racing games, i mean, it's tanner after all

i know it's basically canon, but let me remind you: john can survive anything. he survived hundreds of gunshots (if we imagine he got more behind the scenes of the games), a major accident, woke up from the coma, you name it. you could put him in an apocalypse and he'll manage to live through it

he actually has a good sense of humor, but he loves to sometimes tell dad jokes just to annoy people

in the dsf teaser, you can see a part tanner's driver's license and on it, you can see that he was born in october (exact day and year is unknown because the license was cut off). i headcanon him as a scorpio because of that

[wintersongstress]

WIP Day

@shallow-gravy​ made me get off my ass and look at my wip 😭 I’ve been working on this story forever and I’m so terribly slow, I don’t think I qualify as a writer anymore. Who knows if I’ll ever finish anything ever again! I sure don’t! BUT THANK YOU FOR THE TAG AND CONTINUING TO SUPPORT ME! Anyone who has ever read my writing and remembers any of it, you are my sunshine ☀

You had a hangnail on your thumb. You discovered this while squeezing your fist tight, tethering yourself to the present. It was a welcome, soft twinge of pain for you to focus on and you picked at it, fixing your eyes on the window. The candle before it illuminated the glass, and you watched the sapphire heart of the flame waver, heard the little hiss of it, and glanced beyond. A sky wistful with waning blue, a sunset throwing gold on all that was green, a hush of wind passing through the leaves, and your reflection blending in between. To take it all in brought you forward in time, to a crackling fire and a bubbling soup, and a purpose hanging over your heart. 

It is not happening again, you reflected. And it will never happen again. 

You were safe, you reminded yourself, safe in the present, grounded, and irrevocably turned to face the man who hurt you in a way no one ever had. You looked at him without seeing him, a dish towel in hand. 

“Come on in, I have some dinner on the stove. It'll be ready in a jiff if you want to hang up your things.” 

“I would be delighted,” was his reply. 

He took off his Stetson, hung it on the hook. The sound of his coat being tugged down his arms and his gun belt unbuckling made your heart beat fast and your fingers curl into your palms again. Shaking, you gripped the edge of the counter. Steam from the bubbling pot kissed your cheeks.  

A chair scraped across the floor. “It smells delicious, sweetness. I’m downright famished.” 

You breathed in and out slowly. He folded his leather gloves beside his table settings and you prepared a dish for him. Spoonful after spoonful, you dipped the ladle deep and unearthed the chunks of vegetables, pouring them artfully into a bowl.

“Any luck tracking down that gang?”

He sighed, deep and tired. His elbows knocked on the table as he reached for the loaded bread basket. 

“They slipped through our fingers last night, but we almost had ‘em.” Pulling the loaf apart, he ripped a piece and tucked it into his mouth.

You rounded the table and laid the baleful meal on his place setting, in a daze as he happily snatched up his spoon. 

“Oh my,” he marveled. The polished silver of the utensil disappeared in the broth and came back up replete with the softened wild bulbs. 

“These onions are quaint,” he commented. 

The lie came to your tongue easily. “They’re called pearl onions. I have them growing in the back.” 

And with a pleased grin, he feasted. You sat across from him with your own bowl, your spoon a special porous one so you could pretend to eat alongside him. He dipped his bread in the soup and drained his glass greedily, refilling it himself from the pitcher you set on the table earlier. Before long he scraped the bottom of the bowl and you replenished it. 

You tried not to pay attention to his sordid aspect. The way he sniffed loudly and chewed openly, the dirtiness of his face from riding, the grease slicking his unwashed hair and the matted tips of his mustache, his eyebrows also unkempt and overgrown. You fixed your eyes to the grain of the wood instead, ate your bread with a slice of cheese and a handful of walnuts, munched on the salad of spring greens you prepared, all the while waiting for time to take its natural course as the toxins of the ostensible pearl onions invaded his system. 

tagging: @a-shakespearean-in-paris // @pagonyban // @uhlunaro // @rivetingrosie4 and anyone who feels like sharing what they’re working on 💗

[rainbowchip2003]

AQUABATS! SENTENCE PROMPTS🍕🦇👾

*change pronouns as needed*

the return of the aquabats!

“where has all my fun gone?”

“ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!”

“IT’S TIME TO PARTY!!”

“you’re ignorant, it’s knowledge you lack!”

“check yourself before you wreck yourself”

“don't you think it'd be so lame to get all crazy drunk and start a fight?”

“you’re such a beautiful girl, but go brush your teeth!”

“i'll be real busy, but maybe i'll call you later”

the fury of the aquabats!

“we're so good together”

“will you marry me and be my wife?”

“we'll travel 'round the world to see this love through.”

“if you ever went away from me, i would cry.”

“i would fall down on one knee, and i would pray that you’d come back to me someday!”

“she went so far away, but i still see her everyday.”

“let's talk about something else before i cry”

“it's like she waved her magic wand and somehow turned me into nothing!”

“it's friday night, i wanted to go out”

“i just wanted you to come over, sit on the couch, and hold me tight”

“i saw you sitting in his truck; you were making out with him in the dark!”

“why'd you go and change your mind?”

the aquabats! vs the floating eye of death! 

“does it get much better than this?”

“don't talk, just watch the world go by”

“i can't walk, can't move, ‘cause i'm paralyzed... by your love”

“it's so hip to give you a kiss and taste cherry chapstick”

“the earth is tired of humankind, and i think this world is gonna wash up in hell.”

“i think we've already lost our minds”

“you and me: always together like honey and bees”

“being alone is not for me”

myths, creatures, and other amazing creatures, vol 2

“pool party, my house, eight o'clock.”

“there's gonna be food, and girls, and more food, and *character*'s coming!”

“i’m just thinking ‘bout where it all went wrong”

“i guess i miss the simple things in life”

“i just wanna let you know how grateful i am to you”

“i’m so glad to know you didn’t forget me”

“it’s just one of those days…”

“can we remember what we’ve got before we open our big mouths to complain?”

charge!!

“please keep quiet, don’t spoil the ending!”

“we're fat, young, and hungry, but we don't care”

“like mexican candy, we got some complex flavor running up in here”

“i've been pushed around like a jailbird”

“i’m gonna miss you so much.”

“those hot summer nights won’t last forever”

“i’m so alone, but i’ll never forget about you.”

“someone told me you can’t lose them all, and that someone was you!”

hi-five soup!

“i like your face and you like mine too!”

“you wanna dance, baby?”

“is there anybody out there?”

“why am i so glad to be alive?”

“everyone that sees me wants to be me”

“you don't call me on the phone anymore, but i don't care!”

“you got some money, and POOF!! it's gone again”

“you know that the world loves to spin around me”

spooky kooky… in stereo!

“i've got a plan which includes a knuckle sandwich”

“why am i alone on a saturday night?”

“maybe i should care, but i don't”

“get away from me!”

“please be there for me”

“heaven knows what i need””

“i just want to stay home and never work again”

“she’s not going to break her own heart to be with me”

“now i see why this can’t be… obviously”

“it's so fun to watch you freak out!”

[matriarchcomputer]

Silly AU where Illya gets lost in a Costco.

ThAnKs A LoT, anon!!! This is not what I was planning on writing this evening!!!!! can you sense my annoyance!? I can’t believe i spent 30 minutes writing this.

His mission was simple: to buy everything he needed for the barbecue in under 30 minutes. That would be simple enough, right? He was trained by the KGB—how hard could shopping at Costco be? Cowboy said Costco was the best and fastest place to shop after all. The team was counting on him!

He planned to start methodically, going from one part of the store to the next without doubling back and only picking up items he intended on buying. He vowed not to go to the electronics section and check out the latest gadgets. And he wouldn’t peruse the assorted chocolates. He knew buying chocolates was his weakness.

When he arrived at the Costco parking lot, he encountered his first problem: finding a parking spot! There was a sea of families loading their vehicles with more items than Illya had ever seen from a store, but none of them seemed in a hurry to leave. He would wait for a vehicle to finally leave after being loaded, but it remained stationary. Eventually an elderly woman in her sedan would honk from behind him and he would move on to another part of the lot.  And when he saw hope in sight, an empty parking spot, someone would swoop in and take it! Eventually he gave up and resorted to parking several parking lots away from Costco. Getting some extra exercise wouldn’t hurt, he thought.

After politely waiting his turn to grab a shopping cart despite the crowds pushiness, he finally made it inside. He couldn’t believe how large the place was, and the amount of food and supplies that were stocked. He had to stay focused. Only buy what’s needed. He thought he was doing pretty well until a nice employee offered him a sample of a new salted chocolate bar. The employee skillfully convinced him he needed the chocolate, and so, thinking it would help the mission, he added it to the cart. He made it to the next section of the store and there was yet another sample stand. He tried the sample, loved it, and moved on to the next section. There was another sample stand, and then another, and then another. Eventually he had finished his shopping and had acquired everything he needed, and perhaps even wanted, for the barbecue. He kept his vow and didn’t enter the electronics section, but oh how temping it was to check out the latest drones.

He waited for what felt like an eternity in the line for the cashier. When he finally arrived at the cashier counter, the employee asked for his membership card… Illya didn’t have one. The cashier said he couldn’t buy things at Costco unless he had a card, but convinced Illya that a membership with be worth it. So, Illya acquiesced. This was proving to be a far more challenging and expensive task than he expected, but the discounts seemed worth it.

He finally made it out of the store and took a breath of fresh air. His stomach rumbled… he was hungry from all that shopping. The smell of cheap, American hotdogs caught his attention. He looked over and saw a line of people getting food with their families… he could spare getting a bite, right?

He finally made it to the front of the line and ordered a hotdog. The smiling cashier asked if he wanted a smoothie added on… he said sure. He’d never had a smoothie before. It would be an experience. The cashier asked if he also wanted a churro, he didn’t know what that was but thought to give it a shot. The cashier rung him up and handed him his hotdog which included a drink as well as his churro and smoothie.

After enjoying his quick meal, he made his trek back to his vehicle and loaded it up with everything he bought. When he finally sat in the driver’s seat he glanced at his watch. Dread filled him. He was an hour and a half late!

There was no way he could make up for being so late.

He had failed his mission.

After contemplating his failure for a moment, he merely shrugged, got out of the vehicle and grabbed from the drunk of the vehicle the chocolate bar he had purchased.

The employee was right, he did need that chocolate bar.

[lupienne]

Me @ my shit.

[damnassgayassali]

I’m saying this because I don’t have the power to make it happen yet… madhel beaches au. Spoilers for the beaches musical (I got rush tickets and was center of first row, center orchestra. A religious experience to see Jessica Vosk that closely omg)

And tiny note: in the movie, one character is named Hillary… and hearing “Hill” as a nickname?????? I felt like I was going mad. I see them everywhere I look 😭

Rich girl befriends ‘trashy’ show girl from Jersey and they admire each other sosososoSO much that they’re jealous of each other and end up hurting each other because of it. But then come together when they need each other the most?

Also Helen having a daughter whose favorite thing in the world is making fun of Madeline is so cute and funny. Helen learns how to stick up for herself from Madeline and live the life she wants, Madeline learns how to be responsible and put other’s feelings first from Helen.

Madeline telling Helen’s daughter stories about her mother and one day, walking her down the aisle, just breaks with the weight of the loss again because Hel should’ve been there. She keeps a sea shell in her pocket at all times, missing the weight of the ring on the chain on her neck, knowing it was never hers.

Eventually, the daughter realizing that saying “you aren’t my real aunt” to her ‘aunt Maddie’ all the time as a kid was true because she clearly had feelings for her mother 💀

Anyways, this proves I could win the damn lottery and become a millionaire and I’d still just be thinking about madhel and somehow make it about them 😭😭😭

[damnassgayassali]

Im too excited to wait for ao3 to come back online to start posting my fic (it's not even done yet???)

imagine post-canon (before the 50-years-later lol) Helen decides to rewrite Hollywood Ending and it goes So Well and doesn't bring up any trauma or repressed feelings at all!!!!! Also, Madeline gets a new role and everyone on the project is so interesting (gay)!

here's a bit from chapter one:

Their first week of joint immortality ended with watching a movie on Madeline’s couch. Helen had slept on it the first night, the night everything changed forever (slept was a generous interpretation; she was up all night mapping out every curve of the ornate ceiling carvings.) She didn’t want to sleep in the spare room; it was practically Ernest’s and she couldn’t stomach being surrounded by it all. The next morning, when Madeline found out, she got it all moved to a storage unit and helped move Helen’s stuff in from her apartment. For the few days it took, she shared Madeline’s bed at her insistence. ‘It’s big enough for two, not that it’s had two in it for a long time.’ 

Madeline seemed very keen on pretending everything was resolved, waking up bright and early in the mornings and talking strategy with her agent. Helen appreciated it, to an extent; she had no clue where to begin to fully discuss it all, so she accepted the fragile peace for as long as it lasted.

It turned out one week and an hour into The First Wives Club was what it took to finally break.