#my ln notes

[xiaonme]

the more i reread the light novels the more I think that everything maomao hates about lakan are her own desires and character traits shown back to her in a mirror..... maybe not everything but:

she hates his missing shame and missing propriety, while at the same time she foregoes social cues and does not care about propriety, except for when she is not in immediate danger, i.e. in contact with her higher ups.

maomao cannot be open about her feelings unless pushed towards a breaking point. meanwhile lakan easily voices what he feels and wants, much to the dismay of others. maomao would rather do anything than cause trouble for other people, not considering herself someone worth being cared about.

lakan is also open about his care and affection for her, which she detests. partially for sure because early on she feared he would take her away from Luomon, but as we know it's also because she is envious of him. I introduce another factor. shame. she is ashamed of what she needs and how little she can give back to the people who care about her. so this grown man who hovers over his own daughter is an embarassment, another clutz to make herself even more of a stinker to be around. it does not help that he is considered an actual nuisance people should stay away from - constantly signaling to maomao that if she shows these traits, and potentially an allegiance to this man - she too will be ostracized. which leads me to my final point.

maomao's incredibly low self-worth. sure, Lakans "instinct" to sniff out the truth, good people and good subordinates can be a la-clan "quirk" that can't be explained by logic, but to me it is also his trust in his own abilities. he may hate himself, but he sees behavior, judges it, and believes that his judgement is sound. in tactical situations he is correct more often than not, while his inability to think about how another person might judge a situation leads to him being a lost cause in social situations. maomao on the other hand wants solid proof so that she will not be wrong. she wants certainty, to save her own head, other peoples heads, and to reassure herself that she knows the rational truth. uncertainty is something she detests early on and still does not love later on, though she has come to know that she can handle difficult situations, even if theres not a 100% guarantee that things will go well. if things go south, she will have back-up-plans to make sure she is prepared (and! people to lean on). her avoidance becomes action, and maomao is happier for it.

its a lot of shame. its a lot of envy. and i wonder how things will end up for the two of them.........

[xiaonme]

LN5 Arts! I had a lot of fun with the phrase "One of Jinshi's Alter Egos." How many does he have....We just don't know. Perhaps some are more elaborate than others.

[xiaonme]

LN14, After The Visit

official translation:

it has a jinmao line so u know i have to investigate.

so so many womens requests to sleep with jinshi are rejected. but even maomao was rejected. even maomao had been turned down........even the one jinshi truly does want to sleep with is rejected, showing how much he respects her.......AND: maomao joins the guild of women who were rejected by jinshi. hm. its "natural" to be rejected, if jinshi rejects everyone, but she is also a little upset by it ............

more. SHES NERVOUSSS......she wants to see him but she knows itll be awkward........shes trying to calm herself down...........goddd

hello hi. interesting. is this a feeling of exhaustion finally hitting her once shes here or a tiredness, recognizing that they have work to do

[xiaonme]

i love her. i love her so much. im so happy she has friends and people in her life who care for her. its so fun how "dangerous" she could be. AND IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when did she do that? for example: just now to zulins sister as she was trying to sniff out the culprit. god. and everyone acknowledges what a solid tactic it is

[xiaonme]

LN12 Clarifications

(I put some LN12 Chunks into Google Translate because I can't take more of Kevins butchering): Maomao is coming to understand her feelings. Chue's words...

...are an appeal for Maomao to follow her heart, even if she does not wish to be swept up by emotions.

The Reunion:

He tells her to shake him off then but she can't do it despite his hand not pinning her down. Miss Maomao when i getchu........

She does not know what to do with this degree of sacrifice and ambition - to marry her of all people? Why? (He should choose someone else, LN5. Why did that man choose a haggard husk of a woman with not much longer to live, and not one of the current reigning three princesses who deserves it?, LN2) She feels like, compared to him, beautiful cunning prince of a nation, she has little to give. She has nothing of this grandeur to sacrifice. There can be no tit for tat. She is nothing and no one. But in truth she knows what she wants, even if she cannot say it out loud just yet.

Also he kisses her forehead not her cheek. I'm getting my gun

Next up, on the Lookout:

She's a little nervous. She is not quite sure for how long she should hold his hand. She starts blurting things out <333

Don't worry Jinshi. She won't beat you at the game she's superior in this time. UNLESS YOU'D LIKE HER TO? (This reads as much more nervous to me than before. God.) It reads very: I'll do anything you order me to. anything. HAHA!

Otherwise, she would not have done it herself. This confused me so i checked a translation with furigana -

If she didn't like kissing she wouldn't do it, she would not have done it, and she would not keep doing it. But she cant voice that at the moment!!!! That she does not mind it !!!! She has heard Chue's words, keeps recalling them anytime she is in front of JInshi - for whom she has not allowed herself to have emotions for, and she is working towards realizing what Chue said. Of course she has not internalized Chue's words yet, but. All in due time.

[xiaonme]

got punched by the emperor. inflicted a deep burn on himself. invites maomao to have sex with him while freshly injured. jinshi is not just nuts. he's walnuts. maomao wants to kick him in the nuts.

[xiaonme]

Maomao's Denial at the Banquet

Despite the deliberate hairstick, despite being made up and several people remarking on both the hair stick and her being made up like the other contenders, Maomao does not consider herself as a candidate for marriage to Jinshi. Or does she?

Rikuson asks her to consider why perhaps she is here, and to consider herself being representative of the La Clan. He comments on how nice of a hair stick it is. Perhaps him asking her to dance is him trying to signal to the moon prince that he has to stop being subtle, because Maomao is not figuring things out on her own.

Lishu's sister makes fun of her in an attempt at showing superiority to the Princes favorite. And Maomao makes a biting remark that she's not one to care for the value of objects. She says to herself that she can always sell the hair stick - the very hair stick that she is very fond of.

I'd put the emphasis here on "later.", as in. She can always get rid of it. It might make her happy at the moment. It may ground her in this unfamiliar situation. But she can always rid herself of it and be better for it. That's for the best. She won't become attached to it. (A Metaphor for who gifted it to her? Just Mayhaps.)

Maomao can put two and two together. She knows she is in the running. The possibility of being a candidate and this being the banquet where the moon prince is to find a wife has probably been giving her stomach aches since she found out. But to herself Maomao is no viable candidate, so she is no candidate at all.

Maomao thinks that whoever put her in the running must be stupid. She cannot compare to the young women here with her. She is not pretty enough despite all the effort put into her. The only thing she is is useful, but of course not useful enough to be made his wife.

She spends the evenings eating and drinking and taking notes on Lishu's father, eventually finding that Lishu is not Jinshi's close relative - which to Maomao, is a somber win. Finally, someone else can marry Jinshi. Jinshi, who is desirable to her physically, whom she cares for and who cares for her - but who brings so much trouble with him. Trouble that she is tasting at this very party, as mentioned above: Marriage to Jinshi means attacks by other women. It means facing up to her heritage or being the La Clan "Princess". It means, to Maomao, a loveless union where her only job is to pop out babies, and Lahan's comments for sure do not help: him asking for her to let the moon prince plant his seeds comes off as humourous to the reader but also, perhaps, gross - and him saying that perhaps turns Maomao off the possibility even more. Maomao may like Jinshi the person. But she does not want to be Ka Zuigetsus wife.

With Lishu no longer perhaps being Jinshi's "niece" Maomao can sell the hair stick she is so fond of. Maomao can finally get rid of Jinshi and his affections for her, making her much less liable to the trouble he brings and the vulnerability she might have to expose if she keeps that damn hair stick.

[xiaonme]

notes as maomao re-applies the scar makeup:

Her. feeling bad for her semi-sadistic tendencies. Her stroking his hair.What a load of trouble he could be. His hair is soft and his voice is alluring and he smells good. I'm gonna get rabies.

[ vine boom] DOES HE NOW????

man. this is so sweet. she wasn't even comforting him. she just saw an opportunity and took it. to make him laugh as much as she could.

AND OF COURSE!!

Man. Man. Maomao seeing his circumstances as a nuisance and maybe him a little. But recognizing that he's working hard. He's doing what he can. Wanting to make things nicer for him. And this whole time he's not telling her why they are in the paper village and where they were heading. Perhaps because he knows she'll try to run from the truth once more. Perhaps he's in denial that by then, she'll somehow be plaint and play along.