— cellophane
why won’t you do it for me? when all i do is for you?
pairing: jumin x mc
words: 4.4k
link to read on ao3 [x]
prompt: failures // fights
tags: angst, language, unhealthy relationship, a bit toxic tbh, insecure jumin, emotional manipulation, unhappy marriage
a/n: for: @mysme-events angst week. this piece is inspired by fka twigs song, cellophane!
“Are you mad at me?”
Your voice had come out smaller than you had intended.
“Is there a reason I should be mad at you?”
He replied without meeting your gaze, opting to focus on the rain outside the car window instead. You didn’t quite know what kind of emotion his tone was carrying, but yet you knew it wasn’t good.
“No...”
You became hyperaware of the bad taste beginning to form in the back of your throat. It’s all too familiar, unfortunately.
“Then I shouldn't be mad at you. Should I?”
You didn’t answer him. You just weren’t sure what to say.
Heavy silence filled the car once again, the rain against the roof of the vehicle was the only thing that occupied the small space.
You sighed louder than you meant to, arms crossing over your torso, cheek resting against the foggy glass of the window. The cold felt nice against your skin, helped keep you grounded, calm. You took in a few deep breaths as you thought back on the events of earlier tonight.
The unfamiliar hand grazing the small of your back surprised you to say the least, you wanted to flinch away the moment you felt his hands touch you,, but yet you didn’t move. Why? You’re not exactly sure. Politeness, anxiety, maybe a mix of both. Maybe something else underneath it all.
You recognized the voice as a business partner of Jumins, the owner of the company that’s been occupying most of your husband's time as of late. Late nights, long meetings, hoards and hoards of paperwork.
His reputation was one you knew well, hearing it all secondhand from Jumin. He was quick to drop anyone who disagreed with him, no matter how small. Such a pain for your stubborn husband to work around, but yet as always, he somehow managed.
But one thing your husband made sure you knew about was his stance with women in particular. You weren’t allowed to come to the company dinners anymore. You could only drop things off through Jaehee at the office.
It seems he didn’t even want you to call him after meetings, one thing you two have always done even before you had started dating. Maybe the fear of his colleague overhearing your voice was the reason behind it, you didn’t know, you didn’t ask. You knew he would get upset if you did.
Stay away from him, was all he warned.
And you promised him that you would.
“And you must be the famous Mrs Han, I presume?”
He was in front of you now, his hand lingering on your hip for a moment before pulling away. You inched away ever so slightly.
“Ah, Yes. I am.”
You had to look up to him to reply due to how close he was, the first thing you noticed was just how much he resembled Jumin. The only major difference was his eyes, while your husbands were grey and light, his were brown and deep. The similarities threw you off guard for a moment, however your surprise once you met his gaze seemed to be taken a different way than you had intended.
A slight chuckle escaped his lungs, It was warm and clear, it had a bit more of a higher pitch than Jumin’s did. More character to it.
“I’ve heard such great things about you! Your husband seems like quite the happy man. And I can see why, you’re beautiful. Ah– If I can say that, that is.”
You shied away without thinking, you didn’t particularly like the feeling you had in your stomach right now. You were also painfully aware of how his position was giving him a ‘good view’ of your body from up there, as your husband would sometimes say.
His words seemed innocent, he seemed kind. But Jumin’s warning still flickered within your mind.
“Thanks, I suppose.”
You fully expected him to take advantage of his much taller height, but yet he didn’t seem to. His eyes were trained onto your own as he smiled, never glancing down at your chest even once.
A weird feeling stirred deep within your insides.
He isn’t like how Jumin described at all.
Why would your husband lie?
You entertained his small talk for a few minutes, he introduced himself, as did you.
Fear was the main thing holding you back from leaving, of course. Jumin had been working on this project for months now, the memories of him falling asleep over his laptop, his dark circles, his late night confessions of just how much his head ached were fresh in the back of your mind.
His mood swings, his exhaustion, his late nights.
Be polite.
Be polite for Jumin.
“–But enough about all that! Do you drink?”
“Uhm… Wine, sometimes. But i’m not the biggest fan.”
“Any reason in particular?”
He leaned into you a bit, tilting his head to the side in curiosity. You naturally smiled in return.
“I’ve tried some wine, but they’re just all so bitter to me.”
You scrunched your nose a little at the memories. Vineyards with Jumin were never your favorite, he just loved such sour wines.
“Bitter? Your husband is an investor in how many wineries exactly, yet only offers his wife bitter wine? Hm. We can’t have that now, can we?”
He spoke with a smile, wrapping his arm around your waist and beginning to guide you towards the bar. Before you even got the chance to protest in return, he was already sweeping you away. His thumb ran circles on your hip that you were painfully aware of.
The pit in your stomach was growing heavier and heavier with every step.
It's been awhile since Jumin’s had even touched you like this, you thought.
It was nice.
He was rambling on about the wines he had lined up for tonight as he led you to a seat, pulling it out for you while still going on and on. You couldn’t even find an opening to interject, ask for a bathroom break, anything.
He ordered you a drink, as well as one for himself.
You desperately scanned the room for Jumin, eyes bouncing off black suit after black suit. You just couldn’t pinpoint him like this, everyone was wearing such similar clothing...
You swallowed thickly and took a sip of the wine in front of you, face cringing a bit as you expected the worst, however pleasantly surprised once the taste had hit your tongue.
It wasn't nearly as bitter as the wines Jumin often offered you.
Jumin’s sudden touch to your knee had caused you to jump a little, breaking you away from your racing thoughts.
“Stop.”
He finally met your gaze, you scrunched your brows in confusion. Two fingers pressed down against your skin, putting a halt to your restless leg.
“You know I don't like when you do that.”
A sigh escaped his lungs as he pulled his hand back, crossing his arms over his torso once again. Back to staring at whatever was so interesting outside the window. Oh yes, you had forgotten. How could you.
You glanced down at your knee after he had already pulled away.
It was red from the pressure that had been placed there.
“Well, sorry for being such an inconvenience then.”
You laughed a little in disbelief as you spoke, pressing your cheek against the window once more.
Maybe it was a childish thing to say, but you truly didn’t care right now. You slumped further into the seat, humming to yourself softly as you stole some glances here and there towards your husband.
His face was void of any readable emotion as of now, but his clenched jaw and narrowed eyes said everything you needed to know. He seemed to be thinking about something, your words perhaps. He suddenly met your eyes without warning. It made you flinch.
“Inconvenience.”
He looked at you as he spoke. It felt so cold. You could feel anxiety beginning to build.
“Inconvenience, is searching all over the venue for my wife when she won’t even bother to pick up her phone for her husband.”
He opened his mouth to continue, but you had cut him off before he got the chance,
“Jumin I told you it was almost dead earlier tonight, I just–“
“Don’t interrupt me while i’m speaking. Please.”
Jumin raised his voice harshly, it was ever so slight, but it still took you by surprise. His eyes were oddly intense with an emotion you couldn’t quite pinpoint, all you knew is that they carried weight behind him. One you weren’t used to seeing.
His gaze made you feel small and slightly embarrassed, you weren’t even sure why. It just did.
You nodded and closed your mouth, letting him go on.
“Inconvenience, is watching my wife entertain another man while I watch from the sidelines. Not just any man, but the one man I so vividly remember telling her to stay away from.”
You opened your mouth to interject once more but his brows furrowed as soon as you did so, his chin tilted forward in silent warning.
He continued on.
“Inconvenience, is seeing my wife share drinks with another man. Flirting with another man. Touching another man.”
“I didn't flirt.”
You raised your voice slightly, not by much, but it was enough to make him raise a brow. It was just... so hard to control yourself when he was being like this sometimes.
“Sharing a few drinks with him, laughing and giggling like some teenage schoolgirl, letting him put his hands all over you. Might as well have.”
Jumin’s tone was still so cold, monotone, and for some reason that hurt more than anything else could have.
It was like this most of the time. He would never yell, he would never shout, barely even show any emotion at all if you’re being honest. It drove you up the wall sometimes. You always left feeling like you were the irrational one because of it, no matter the case.
It seems that’s what was happening again. As it always does.
“I wasn't given a choice, Jumin! He wouldn’t let me–”
The car came to a sudden stop, you groaned a bit, nearly biting your tongue due to the stop. It interrupted you just as you had begun to raise your voice.
Jumin gave you an heavy look before rolling down the partition, Driver Kim gave him the confirmation that you two were back home.
He got out first, offering you a hand that you had refused to take.
The elevator ride was so uncomfortable.
His posture was relaxed as it usually was, hands messing with his cufflinks absentmindedly, his expression nearly blank while he stared at the panel of buttons on the wall, as if it was the most interesting thing in the world or something. The only indicator he has when he’s upset would be a clenched jaw.
It was something you had become oh so familiar with these past couple of months.
Anxiety was building up inside of your body, it felt itchy, it nearly burned. It was almost always there and had no issues made itself well known. But there was something deeper building behind it, not just from the argument. Something unfamiliar, bitter, ugly.
It frightened you.
You weren’t sure what it was yet.
And you weren’t sure if you wanted to know.
The two of you entered the penthouse in heavy silence, it felt like even breathing was much too loud for the atmosphere around the both of you. Elizabeth the Third had come running over as soon as the door opened, but it seems even she was able to sense the tension. You weren’t surprised, she usually can.
She opted to climb up on the couch instead, tail twitching back and forth as she watched her parents carefully from afar. You vaguely wondered if she knew something you didn’t.
Jumin went straight to the kitchen as soon as his jacket and shoes were off, not a word was spoken while he left. He went for a glass of wine you could only presume, he usually did once he got home. Normally you would get on his case about it, his more unhealthy drinking habits had been increasing as of late, but tonight wasn’t the time to nag him for it. You didn’t have the energy to fuel the fire more than you already had.
You walked over to the living-room with a sigh, giving Elizabeth a slight pat before sprawling out on the couch. Your feet ached due to the heels from earlier tonight, but the relief of home was a welcomed feeling. You let your body sink into the cushions as you relaxed, at least the best you could for now.
You stared outside the window for a few moments, admiring the beauty of the city below. Your mind wandered just a bit. So many different types of people, most you’ll never meet, never see. But yet you wondered if maybe anyone out there knew how you felt right now. Maybe they could offer advice, a shoulder to cry on, something. Anything.
You closed your eyes, suddenly aware of how heavy they were getting, allowing your head fall back against the couch. It felt nice for a moment.
You drew in a deep breath, your lungs stung as you pushed their limits.
It was peaceful.
Jumin popping open a wine bottle in the kitchen caused you to flinch as you were brought back down to reality. The anxiety of the situation flooded back all at once, enough to make your stomach churn.
The gentle still of before was gone in an instant.
You knew how all of this would play out. It truly felt rehearsed at this point.
He would press your buttons.
You would get angry.
He would give you the silent treatment as soon as you lost your cool.
You would apologize.
He would forgive you.
The two of you make up until the next time, then the cycle repeats.
You were almost numb to it at this point.
It used to be fun fighting with Jumin at first, if you could even call it that. It never lasted for too long, never too harsh either. You both would talk it out, laugh a little, then of course the make up afterwards was always amazing.
But now? There was nothing. No heated passion afterwards. No talking. No laughing.
Nothing.
Now you two could stay angry at each other for days on end until eventually one of you got tired of it, usually you. And someone halfheartedly apologizes, again, usually you. There was no communication either, you two just… go on like it never happened.
But it did happen.
It does happen.
And it’s getting harder and harder to pretend it doesn’t.
You heard footsteps coming from the kitchen, getting louder every second that passed. A soft sigh left your chest as you kept your eyes closed, maybe he would go away if you closed them tight enough, you could only hope.
It's Jumin. That’s your husband. You should never feel that way about him. But yet, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t.
You opened your eyes slowly and watched as he sat on the chair across from you, crossing his ankles in a somewhat sophisticated manner before slowly looking you up and down. The position you had wasn’t ladylike if you were being frank, your legs spread out despite the smaller dress you wore, arms sprawled out across the back of the couch, your posture slouched deep into the cushions. It felt a bit judgemental the way he observed you, maybe not, but right now you genuinely couldn’t tell.
“Feeling better?”
“Oh fuck off.”
You spat in return with a bitter laugh, god how you hated when he said shit like that during times like these. You knew that he knew you hated it too. Enter the pushing of buttons.
“I was simply asking a question. No need to get so worked up, my dear.”
He focused his attention on the dark liquid swirling within his glass while he spoke, putting emphasis on the pet name, feigning fondness. You narrowed your eyes in return.
“I feel great, especially good knowing that i’m not the one in the wrong here.”
While you beamed, he tensed.
You shouldn’t have said that. You knew you shouldn’t have the second it came out of your mouth.
“A lot of confidence coming from a woman who was acting like a little whore less than an hour ago.”
He suddenly met your gaze, your eyes widened as you felt anger begin to flood your chest. Jumin had never called you something like that before.
“Excuse me? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Your voice was laced with offense, rage, maybe a bit of hurt if he cared to listen closely enough. But inside you knew he didn’t. You had gotten up from your place on the couch so quickly it had made you light headed for a few moments.
“Apparently something since you feel the need to flirt with any man you can get you hands on whenever I'm not around.”
Jumin looked up at you, you looked back down at him.
You were silent for a moment.
Processing things, taking it all in. Trying your hardest not to lose your cool, you just knew once you lost it he would have the upper hand. Don't lose your cool MC, please, you mentally chided. You inhaled deeply, exhaling even deeper as you took a quick breather.
“Look. I know how hard you’ve been working on this project okay, I didn’t want to fuck it up by saying something wrong to the guy or anything, I didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, Jumin.”
You pleaded almost pathetically. Here it goes. This is the part where you usually start to apologize.
“Please, dont pretend like you’ve ever had my best interest in mind.” He said with a bitter laugh.
His laugh stung.
It was the thing to finally push you over the edge.
“You know what, I really, really wish I didn’t. If you cared enough to pay attention you’d see i’m always putting your best interest first and it makes my life miserable, absolutely fucking miserable Jumin! I can't even speak to another man without you getting all insecure and pissed off about it, and guess what happens after that? You make me feel fucking insane when i’ve done nothing wrong!”
You shouted, vented, spilt things you’d never even said out loud before.
“I don't even want to go outside anymore because I just know i’m going to do something that’ll make you mad, and you know what? I’m the person who has to apologize for it. Every single time. I’m the person who ends up comforting you even after you spend hours making me feel like i’m some whore or a broken fucking toy you only keep around because you’re scared of being alone again. It’s always me, me! It’s never you! I am so, so fucking tired of yo- this.”
He met your eyes, they were wide with surprise, shock, maybe even anger, but honestly you didn’t have the energy to care about his feelings right now. You couldn’t. It’s all you ever do, and it’s taking its toll on you. It’s too much.
Your slip up felt heavy in your throat. An apology almost spilt from your lips, but you stopped yourself before it had.
“This. I am so tired of this.”
You corrected yourself much quieter this time. It sounded so desperate, so empty.
The both of you sat in heavy silence once more. Exhaustion was slowly creeping its way into your body, mentally and physically.
You regretted all of your words almost instantly.
They weren’t false. But that only made you feel worse.
“MC.”
He spoke up after a few moments.
“Jumin.”
You replied calmly.
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
He genuinely seemed confused as he spoke, nervous, scared. On the inside you knew that he knew. He just wanted clarity, confirmation on what your words truly meant. It annoyed you, you had just explained exactly what you meant. But with a sigh, you held back your frustrations.
“Jumin. I am tired of this.”
You put emphasis on it, weakly pointing between the two of you. Eyes beginning to well with tears that you tried your hardest to shove away, your voice sounded so raw from yelling before, It hurt your own ears to listen to it.
A flash of guilt rapidly spread across his features, the glass in his hand shook slightly as he soaked in the true meaning behind your words. You were starting to feel guilty, he looked… scared. Your heart hurt looking at him in such a state right now.
His features softened as he met your eyes, he swallowed thickly. He looked like the old Jumin for a second again.
“MC, I’m–“
You cut him off with a shake of your head, a sad smile tugging at the corners of your mouth,
“You’re so sorry. I know. You always do that. You put me through all of this only to apologize the second I say something that makes you even the slightest bit nervous.”
He broke away from your gaze like it had burned, instead staring down at the red liquid resting within his glass. His jaw was clenched again.
When you first entered a relationship with Jumin, you knew the kind of person he was. And at the time, you really thought you were okay with that.
He had a lot to work through, you knew.
You could help, you told yourself, you told him. You’d be there for him while he figured things out, it would get better, as long as you were there for him, he would get better.
And he did. For the first year at least.
But now, things were different. So different.
You would start to laugh at the cashier's jokes too loudly for his liking. He would grab your arm a little tighter than usual, a silent warning, and you would quickly stop.
If you entertained Zen’s antics a few times too many, he would give you the silent treatment. Eventually your relationship with Zen had suffered in the long run, it was just better for Jumin’s sake if you two didn’t talk anymore.
Is it better for your sake, MC?
You remember Zen asking, but you couldn’t answer him.
Now it’s gotten to the point where you can’t even look at another man for a few seconds too long or else it turns into another argument.
Sorry didn’t feel comforting anymore.
After all, nothing changed afterwards, so did he ever really mean it?
They were just empty words to you now.
He’ll grow out of it, right?
That’s what you wanted to believe at the beginning. But how long would it take before he did? If he ever did? You didn’t know if you’d be able to stick around long enough to find that out.
“Jumin I’m not sure… if this is…”
working anymore.
The words just wouldn’t leave your throat. But still, he knew. And you knew that he knew.
You took a few steps back with a sigh.
Something had triggered within your husband as he grasped the gravity of the situation, the implication behind your words, the consequences of his actions. He dropped the wine glass to the floor, making you jump from the awful sound it made as it shattered against the hardwood.
“You can’t leave.”
His eyes were wide as his head shook frantically, his expression took you by surprise, you could see panic claw their way into his features.
“Jumin.”
“No. Don’t– Don't leave. I’m sorry, I'm so sorry.”
He was on you in an instant, you knew he stepped on the glass judging by the sound it made, but yet he didn’t even flinch. You didn’t have time to process anything before he was holding you tightly against his chest, you couldn’t go anywhere even if you tried to, the pressure hurt a little.
“We’re fine.”
His voice was shaky as he comforted himself more than anyone, it had an uncertain edge to it, painfully reminding you back to the first time you had stayed in his apartment. It made you more than a little nervous.
“This won’t happen again. Just don't leave. Don't leave me.”
Jumin rambled uncharacteristically, apologizing relentlessly as he buried his face into the top of your hair, his hands coming to hold the back of your head softly, pulling you into his chest. The sudden shift in his mood was enough to give you whiplash, you felt so much, too fast. Confused, guilty, scared, numb. Surprise wasn’t one of them though, no. It’s always like this.
You could hear him swallow thickly while he shakily ran his fingers through your hair, his racing heartbeat filling all your senses. You couldn’t help but notice his embrace didn’t feel as comfortable as it once did, it was unfamiliar to you.
Your silence only made him even more nervous.
He leaned down to kiss your cheek, your jawline, your temple, your forehead. You felt his tears press against your skin. He kissed your lips next, it was sloppy, panicked, filled with emotion. A sharp contrast to the Jumin you’ve been used to these past few months. Past few hours.
You didn’t react.
You didn’t kiss him back.
There was no spark to his touch like there should be. Like there used to be.
Your stomach was reeling, your ears were ringing. You suddenly buried your face into Jumin’s chest without warning, sobbing so hard that your head felt like it was about to burst from the pressure of your tears, your husband instead took this as a good sign. He hushed you with more of his frantic apologizes, but to be honest you weren’t really listening to him right now. Your mind only focused on one realization as you broke down within your husband's cold embrace.
“I love you.”
He whispered into your hair, you could tell by his tone that he really did mean it too. He cried with you even. Something he’d only done a few times in the relationship before.
You knew he did. You knew deep down, he loved you.
All you could offer in return was a nod. You couldn’t speak, you couldn’t move. Just nod.
You realized something in that moment.
You weren’t able to say I love you back to your husband anymore.
