Naruto: *Yapping about hokage bullshit and accidentally bumps into Sakura which makes her fall off the railing she was sitting on and almost into the lake below them*
Sakura: WOAH!-
Sasuke: *Rushes in to stop her from falling and jumps off the railing himself* I’ve got you sweetie!!
I rlly wanna YTP the shit out of Naruto, but rewatching it as an adult I also have a lot of ideas on how to parody the show's plot further.
like the episode the hokage dies, he does some sort of jutsu with mud, but there's a split second scene on the mud falling to the ground around his feet and isolated it looks like he's shitting himself. this and dozens of other moments every single episode give me ideas for dumb and whacky shit.
and while i could sentence mix (orochimaru does call him old man and makes fun of that a lot) the urge to do my own voice overs with my friends is strong, especially since one of them is vocally trained and has several established "voices" he can use. we all have ADHD and come up with hilariously stupid skits all the time. which then begs the question(s)--
at what point does that project become a naruto abridged knockoff? how many of the jokes I have planned were already done in abridged?
I loved abridged when I watched it as a kid but there's probably a lot I didnt get due to being a kid, and all I can remember about it is the gag with Kakashi and his logs.
andd the only reason I remember that is because when my sleep disorder was really bad I involuntarily fell asleep in class and had a freaky hypogognic hallucination that Kakashi took over and summoned a giant log in front of my teachers podium, speaking directly only to me about how the environment is precious and I need to fight to preserve it. it felt so real but the confusion didnt hit until my teacher woke me up. I was like "yes, sensei. what are we going to do about the log?" kill me now
I'm not going to explain you anything. Just know that since here in Breath of the Wild saga are equals of the Tailed Beasts (Divine Beasts) and Jinchuurikis (Champions/Sages), there is also an equivalent of the Ten-Tails and its Jinchuuriki.
A/N: Manga only, canon-ish (no Kaguya, no Hagoromo, no reincarnation thingy, no Zetsu), not considering chapter 700 or anything after that (so Naruto is not Hokage here lol). If you like this one, I encourage you to check other characters "sessions" in AO3. Also, I couldn't bring myself to let Itachi die in this parody, sorry not sorry. Reblogs are deeply appreciated, but please don't repost, thank you.
In some unknown road…
And you are? A therapist? How original. Let me guess, Naruto sent you, didn't he? Of course, the usuratonkachi couldn't take a hint even if it was wrapped around a ramen bowl and thrown at his face.
What's that? Naruto predicted I'd react like this? Well, color me surprised. The village idiot finally learned to predict the obvious. Bravo.
Let me tell you a thing or two about Naruto. When we were kids the guy was always pushing me around to fight. But his fighting skills? Picture this: if there was a Ninja Olympics, Naruto would be the undisputed champion in the Accidental Self-Knockout event.
Me? I had to train like crazy only for Itachi to turn me into a living mop, when he had the time for it of course. Meanwhile, Naruto, with all the advantages of the Nine-Tails, Uzumaki resistance, and the Forth Hokage's genes, somehow managed to be as intimidating as a cloud. A very fluffy, very lost cloud.
Wait, I see what you are doing here. Narrow his eyes. You want me to talk about my feelings and stuff. That is NOT going to happen. I don't have feelings.
But alright. Making fun of Naruto? That's something I can do.
Sits down in the mysteriously materialized therapist chair in the middle of nowhere.
This chair is… somehow comfortable. Better than what I had in the Uchiha compound, for sure. Father was all about "forging strength," "comfort makes you weak," "grind harder," and that kind of stuff. Mother at least snuck in a pillow now and then when Father wasn't looking. She was the sane one, she… Nevermind, we are here to talk about Naruto.
Our genin days? Sure, why not? You should've seen us back then. Kakashi had the patience of a saint, or perhaps he was just too lazy to intervene. Then again, the man reads Make-Out Tactics in public so… Yet, amidst his questionable reading choices, he clearly saw my potential. I mean, who doesn't?
Sakura? She was… tolerable, I suppose. But she had this look in her eyes like she was expecting me to propose marriage on the spot. Ridiculous, right? I mean, we were barely past puberty. Strange woman…
Sakura spilled the beans on the Haku fiasco, huh? Look, everyone hits a fashion low at some point. Mine just happened to be when I mistook myself for a ninja pincushion. And yes, if Naruto had been a notch less, shall we say, "strategically challenged," we might've wrapped that up in no time. But no, I had to play the role of a very spiky damsel in distress. Oh, the joy of being the living embodiment of a hedgehog's nightmare.
But talking about fashion disasters, the Chunin Exams were essentially what you'd get if Fashion Week collided head-on with a first aid course. I'll concede, though, amidst the endless parade of bandages and questionable outfit choices, there were moments of sheer brilliance. Like when my Sharingan decided to play copycat with everyone's techniques. Seriously, Doc, it's like having the ultimate cheat code etched into your eyeballs. Life before these eyes? Practically prehistoric.
And then things got complicated.
As if my life's plot wasn't twisted enough, with Itachi not exactly being the brother of the year. Enters Orochimaru. And what's his grand entrance? A bite. Yes, a literal bite. There I was, thinking we were about to engage in some high-level shinobi showdown, and the guy goes full vampire on me. Suddenly, I'm not just a brooding teen with family issues; I'm a brooding teen with a cursed seal. Thanks to him, I'm basically carrying around magical rabies. Honestly, if there was a Yelp for evil mentors, Orochimaru's review would just be a string of question marks.
Power is nice, Doc, but having it is like walking around with a "Handle With Care" sign taped to your back. Everyone's on edge, whispering, "Is today the day he loses it?" The curse seal? Sure, it was like being handed the keys to a fancy, demonic, sports car: thrilling, but you're constantly worried it might just drive you off a cliff.
The problem was I had to go to Orochimaru to learn how to control it. I tried not to. I mean, have you seen that guy? He doesn't just looks creepy; he IS creepy.
Kakashi helped a bit, but it wasn't enough. When we faced that raccoon-thing, I had to let Naruto use his talk-no-jutsu on it. It was terrible for my self-esteem. Luckily, I'm an expert in the brooding-no-jutsu. But even that wasn't enough when Itachi dared to show his face back in Konoha.
Itachi… what to say about my beloved brother? Itachi is a walking, talking enigma wrapped in a mystery, and then shrouded in about a dozen layers of secrets. Every time I think I've figured him out, he reveals another layer, and suddenly, it's back to square one. And let's not forget, he's got a flair for the dramatic and that's an understatement. He's like the ninja version of a soap opera star, always ready with a plot twist, just when you think the storyline is getting predictable.
Talking about unpredictability, my dear brother wasn't looking for me. No heartfelt reunion after of years of abandoning me after… No, he was after the usuratonkachi.
Sighs.
Not brother of the year…
But with Itachi hunting Naruto… it's not like I had many options to choose from.
Training with Orochimaru was my way of leveling the playing field. I mean, facing off against Itachi without that would be like bringing a kunai to a Susano'o fight. And yes, Orochimaru has the bedside manner of a gremling and the moral compass of a tornado, but the man knows power. Creepy, snake-themed power, but power nonetheless.
And through it all, Naruto remained blissfully unaware of the lengths I'd go to protect him… But if you breathe a word of this fondness, remember, these eyes aren't just for show. Gives a menacing glance with his Sharingan They're quite effective at making problems disappear. And by problems, I mean talking therapists.
Anyway…
After what felt like centuries of training with Orochimaru, guess who shows up to "save me"? Your everyday orange menace.
He shows up with that look in his eyes, the one that says, "I'm going to give you an emotionally charged speech whether you like it or not." And boy, did he deliver. He's got this hero complex. It's like he thinks he’s the main character or something. Please..! We all know I'm the main character.
But I won't lie to you, Doc. I had so much fun mopping the floor with Naruto then, showing him my new skills and improved outfit. This was an ensemble chosen specifically to say, "I am edgy and mysterious now." Because nothing screams "I’ve been through stuff" quite like open shirts and a sword.
After that, I killed Orochimaru. Frankly, the world owes me a thank-you card for that. Maybe even a holiday in my honor. "Sasuke Uchiha Day" has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? The day when I saved humanity… But you're right. I did drop the ball on one thing: Kabuto.
I should've seen it coming, honestly. Kabuto was always lingering around like the last person at a party who can't take a hint. But brewing Orochimaru and injecting himself with it? That was… creative.
Moving on, I did what anyone in their right mind would do: I got myself a new crew. Because let's face it, team 7? Naruto and Sakura constantly need to be saved and Kakashi somehow always ends up in the hospital. And I needed some real support to face Itachi. That's if I wanted to stop being his favorite living mop.
At the time, I thought Itachi was evil. Not Orochimaru-creepy evil, but dark-brooding evil, which is the worst kind since there can only be one brooding character in the story and that is me. But dear nii-san had me completely fooled! He should receive a Shinobi Oscar for that performance. I'm not even going to ask how he is still alive. Family is important, Doc. That's all that matters.
But enough about him. I need to focus on keeping my image intact here in this chair that smells faintly of ramen… which is oddly comforting now that I think about it… Well played, Doc.
The next part is not so important. Let's just say I was angry, and I wanted to avenge my family because it turns out Itachi was not the mastermind behind it all. Well, he kind of was, but not really. It's complicated. My whole life is. Blame the writers, that's what I do.
So, I got rid of Danzo. And still not "Sasuke Uchiha Day". Can you believe it? Clearly, the villagers are just slow to recognize true greatness. I mean, who wouldn't want to celebrate the guy who single-handedly took down a walking horror movie trope? Not fair at all.
I suppose it's worth mentioning that Danzo had a handy collection that would make any horror movie villain green with envy. The man was practically an arm-ory of stolen Uchiha eyes. Tsk… you lack sense of humor, Doc, even for me.
What it's important is that I had to keep my mysterious facade, leave the story to some unimportant secondary characters before making my grand entrance.
You see, Doc, I've always had an impeccable sense of timing. Call it "Sasuke Standard Time." When everything seems lost is precisely when you drop in unannounced and flip the script. If my friends think they can "save me", I turn up the brooding switch. But when they expect me to do something "evil", I get there and save them. No one can tell me what to do.
So let’s talk about Naruto's face on that fateful battlefield day, shall we? You’d think he’d seen a ghost—which wasn’t far from the truth, considering how many times we've both cheated death. His eyes were so wide. If shock had a picture in the encyclopedia, that would be it.
The world ending was inconvenient but provided excellent lighting for my arrival.
Redemption arc? Oh, please, like I need redemption. Well, maybe just a smidge. But hey, Karin forgave me, so I must be doing something right, right?
Anyway, after all the drama, the bijuus, the giant life-sucking tree, and battles so intense they'd make seasoned shinobi change careers… there I am, standing toe-to-toe with Naruto once again.
Our final showdown had more emotional baggage than all of Ino’s shopping trips combined and boy did we unpack it all over each other's faces… with our fists because words would have filled too many chapters, and let's be honest: people were there for the blood.
And when it was all over? There we were: two exhausted ninjas lying side by side, contemplating life choices under an open sky, bleeding out with a little chit-chat here and there because nothing says "bonding" like mutual near-death experiences. At the end, it turns out Sakura pulled a 180 and saved us. Chuckles.
In hindsight, perhaps I was too harsh on dear Naruto. He may be like a stubborn weed that keeps growing back no matter how many times you pull it out, but he is MY stubborn weed, a brother from another mother who just refuses to give up on me.
But speaking about brothers, I'm late to see mine, so… Shall we schedule another session or should I anticipate another unexpected meeting in some equally random location? Because, between you and me, I'm starting to enjoy these little chats almost as much as beating Naruto at… well, anything really. And you should really talk to Itachi. I'm sure he'd love that…
Sasuke smirks enigmatically as he fades away into shadows that were not there before.
Final note: Thank you for reading. If you have some character request you can leave a comment :)
(( One thing I miss about Sakura was that inner sakura thingie,. XDD i was like, "hey i've got one of those" like your inner thoughts that you don't wanna be heard by anyone. XDD i think we all have those. ))
(( OH YES, anime here is gender switched as well. para aligned sila lahat, o di ba //slapped ))
#sidebau
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Did someone ask for a dark haired avenger with red eyes, fire abilities, powers fueled by hate, and an annihilated bloodline...seeking 1 of 3 legendary people (specifically the one with a snake motif who also placed a cursed seal on her) and a group of overpowered assassins?
